Author Topic: The Joke Thread  (Read 392576 times)

Offline catweazle

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 2,054
  • Likes: 62
  •  
  • Reviews: 108
Milk Hucknall is in trouble with the police for allegedly shagging a rabbit. A police spokesperson said:" He was holding back the ears, and singing ' bunny's too tight to mention' "


Offline WARSZAWA16

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 2,743
  • Likes: 118
  •  
  • Reviews: 68
It's been 1 year, 12 days, 9 hours, 42 minutes and 10 seconds since the doctor cured my OCD.

Offline standardpostage

It's been 1 year, 12 days, 9 hours, 42 minutes and 10 seconds since the doctor cured my OCD.
:)

Offline timsussex

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 1,344
  • Likes: 94
  •  
  • Reviews: 33
It's been 1 year, 12 days, 9 hours, 42 minutes and 10 seconds since the doctor cured my OCD.
no its 11 seconds
no its 12
no 13
14 ....


Offline timsussex

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 1,344
  • Likes: 94
  •  
  • Reviews: 33
Last night I went out dressed as a chicken and met up with a girl who was dressed as an egg.

The life long question was answered shortly afterwards.

It was the chicken.  :yahoo:


Offline WARSZAWA16

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 2,743
  • Likes: 118
  •  
  • Reviews: 68
The King's shoe makers have had their sign taken down by the police.
Apparently, 'Cobblers to the King' isn't acceptable.

Offline WARSZAWA16

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 2,743
  • Likes: 118
  •  
  • Reviews: 68
What's the difference between a set of bagpipes and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up bagpipes.


Offline WASA38


Offline mr.bluesky

Am guessing you don't bother reading the Politics thread.
 :D

Nah,  no interest to me  :D

Offline JontyR

It's been 1 year, 12 days, 9 hours, 42 minutes and 10 seconds since the doctor cured my OCD.
I've got CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in the right order.



Offline mr.bluesky

I've got CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in the right order.

I've got DCO and dyslexia


Offline WARSZAWA16

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 2,743
  • Likes: 118
  •  
  • Reviews: 68
I said "no comment" all the way through my interview at the police station.
I didn't get the job.

Offline Jonestown

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 4,782
  • Likes: 136
  •  
  • Reviews: 55
I’ve opened a workshop to make small statues, it’s a niche market.

Offline timsussex

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 1,344
  • Likes: 94
  •  
  • Reviews: 33
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as if you were running eight miles.

Who the hell can run eight miles in 30 seconds?

Offline mr.bluesky

A young camel goes up to his father and says
" dad why do we have a hump ?"
his Dad replies " so we can store water when we make long treks cross the desert"
A few minutes later the son asks
" Dad why do we have such strange hooves ? "
His father replies  "so our body weight is spread when we walk across the desert sand"
A few minutes later the son asks
" Dad why do we have such big eye lashes ? "
His Dad replies " to help keep the sand out of our eyes when we cross the desert"
A few minutes later the son asks
" Dad if we have a hump to store water, hooves to help us walk on sand and eylashes to keep the sand out of our eyes then why  the fuck are we in London zoo  "
« Last Edit: June 04, 2026, 08:45:15 am by mr.bluesky »



Offline sadolddeejay

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from barking to tooting in less than an hour.

Offline Doormatt

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from barking to tooting in less than an hour.
Wonderful  :D

Offline Doormatt

I had an argument with a bloke in an eastend pub the other day. He accused me of not being a real cockney....so I pushed him down the apples and oranges.

Offline Doormatt

I bought some lamb chops
On the packet it said "reared in Wales"
And I thought that was just a racist stereotype.

Gary Delaney.

Offline Bustydusty

I bought some lamb chops
On the packet it said "reared in Wales"
And I thought that was just a racist stereotype.

Gary Delaney.
Gary Delaney is brilliant

Offline WARSZAWA16

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 2,743
  • Likes: 118
  •  
  • Reviews: 68
My Nan died on her 96th birthday.
So sad.
We were only half way through giving her the bumps.



Offline Jonestown

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 4,782
  • Likes: 136
  •  
  • Reviews: 55
They say that hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the risk ?

Offline catweazle

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 2,054
  • Likes: 62
  •  
  • Reviews: 108
Gary Delaney is brilliant

TIL that he's married to Sarah Millican


Offline timsussex

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 1,344
  • Likes: 94
  •  
  • Reviews: 33
 A man and his new girlfriend undress together for the first time. The man reveals deformed toes, explaining: "I had a childhood disease called Tolio." The girl asks, "Don't you mean Polio?" He replies, "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

He takes off his trousers, revealing a discoloured pair of knees. "I also had Kneesles," he says."Don't you mean Measles?" she asks."No, Kneesles, it only affects the knees."


Not wanting to ruin the mood, she pulls down his boxers, bursts out laughing, and says: "Wait, let me guess... Smallcox?"



Offline Waterhouse

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 4,375
  • Likes: 70
  •  
  • Reviews: 23
A man and his new girlfriend undress together for the first time. The man reveals deformed toes, explaining: "I had a childhood disease called Tolio." The girl asks, "Don't you mean Polio?" He replies, "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

He takes off his trousers, revealing a discoloured pair of knees. "I also had Kneesles," he says."Don't you mean Measles?" she asks."No, Kneesles, it only affects the knees."


Not wanting to ruin the mood, she pulls down his boxers, bursts out laughing, and says: "Wait, let me guess... Smallcox?"

 :lol: :lol:  :drinks:


Offline WARSZAWA16

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 2,743
  • Likes: 118
  •  
  • Reviews: 68
I'm wearing my Argentinian socks this morning, but my feet are still cold.
Maybe I should put more than Juan Perón.

Offline nwluvit

I'm wearing my Argentinian socks this morning, but my feet are still cold.
Maybe I should put more than Juan Perón.
Very clever! :hi:

Offline george r

last nights tommy fury boxing match , just watched on YouTube what a joke  :rolleyes:

Offline WARSZAWA16

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 2,743
  • Likes: 118
  •  
  • Reviews: 68
My house was broken into last niight.
Three eggs were stolen and a saucepan of boiling water was left on the cooker.. 
Police are saying it could be the work of poachers.

Offline JontyR


Offline WARSZAWA16

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 2,743
  • Likes: 118
  •  
  • Reviews: 68
I went to my local Sealife centre yesterday morning, gutted it was closed for training porpoises.

Offline timsussex

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 1,344
  • Likes: 94
  •  
  • Reviews: 33
Lone Ranger and Silver are riding through the desert. Suddenly they are surrounded by Indians. The Indians captured the Lone Ranger and told him he was to be executed at dawn. "But", the Ranger says, "I have always been a friend to the Indian." The Chief acknowledged that, but protocol you know, so execution it was to be. "Fine" said the Ranger, "But could I at least say goodbye to my horse?" Lone Ranger goes to Silver, strokes his nose and pulls his head close to whisper in his ear.

When he let's go, Silver runs off into the desert.

Later, as the sun is setting and the Ranger has been tied to the obligatory post, Silver returns pulling a wagon full of saloon girls along with barrels of whiskey, even a piano and piano player. The Indians have a raucous party: dancing with the women, drinking the whiskey and singing until the sun comes up. As the sun breaks the horizon, the chief goes to the Ranger and says, "Great party, Ranger. You indeed are a true friend and brave man to do that on your last night, but unfortunately we still have to kill you"

The Ranger says, "Fine, but can I talk to the horse one more time? "

The Ranger walks over to Silver, jerks his ear down and says
"Posse, you idiot. I said go back to town and bring back the posse! "

Offline mr.bluesky

Lone Ranger and Silver are riding through the desert. Suddenly they are surrounded by Indians. The Indians captured the Lone Ranger and told him he was to be executed at dawn. "But", the Ranger says, "I have always been a friend to the Indian." The Chief acknowledged that, but protocol you know, so execution it was to be. "Fine" said the Ranger, "But could I at least say goodbye to my horse?" Lone Ranger goes to Silver, strokes his nose and pulls his head close to whisper in his ear.

When he let's go, Silver runs off into the desert.

Later, as the sun is setting and the Ranger has been tied to the obligatory post, Silver returns pulling a wagon full of saloon girls along with barrels of whiskey, even a piano and piano player. The Indians have a raucous party: dancing with the women, drinking the whiskey and singing until the sun comes up. As the sun breaks the horizon, the chief goes to the Ranger and says, "Great party, Ranger. You indeed are a true friend and brave man to do that on your last night, but unfortunately we still have to kill you"

The Ranger says, "Fine, but can I talk to the horse one more time? "

The Ranger walks over to Silver, jerks his ear down and says
"Posse, you idiot. I said go back to town and bring back the posse! "

 :lol: very good  :thumbsup:

Offline WARSZAWA16

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 2,743
  • Likes: 118
  •  
  • Reviews: 68
My neighbour accused me of stealing his thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked I was aghast, appalled, dismayed.

My favourite book is the dictionary.
Not much of a plot but it explains each word as it goes along.


Offline sadolddeejay

I'll never forget my grandad's last words.

 "Are you still holding the bottom of the feckin' ladder?!"

Offline WARSZAWA16

  • Age Check : 18+
  • Forum Helper
  • ****
  • Posts: 2,743
  • Likes: 118
  •  
  • Reviews: 68