Author Topic: The Joke Thread (Read 370669 times)

catweazle · « **Reply #5700 on:** May 28, 2026, 11:34:49 am »

Milk Hucknall is in trouble with the police for allegedly shagging a rabbit. A police spokesperson said:" He was holding back the ears, and singing ' bunny's too tight to mention' "

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #5701 on:** May 28, 2026, 04:15:26 pm »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #5702 on:** May 28, 2026, 11:43:29 pm »

It's been 1 year, 12 days, 9 hours, 42 minutes and 10 seconds since the doctor cured my OCD.

standardpostage · « **Reply #5703 on:** May 29, 2026, 06:42:11 am »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on May 28, 2026, 11:43:29 pm

It's been 1 year, 12 days, 9 hours, 42 minutes and 10 seconds since the doctor cured my OCD.

timsussex · « **Reply #5704 on:** May 29, 2026, 10:38:13 am »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on May 28, 2026, 11:43:29 pm

It's been 1 year, 12 days, 9 hours, 42 minutes and 10 seconds since the doctor cured my OCD.

no its 11 seconds
no its 12
no 13
14 ....

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #5705 on:** May 30, 2026, 07:48:01 pm »

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timsussex · « **Reply #5706 on:** May 30, 2026, 10:49:35 pm »

Last night I went out dressed as a chicken and met up with a girl who was dressed as an egg.

The life long question was answered shortly afterwards.

It was the chicken.

Davey Dykes · « **Reply #5707 on:** June 01, 2026, 12:02:39 pm »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #5708 on:** June 01, 2026, 02:33:35 pm »

The King's shoe makers have had their sign taken down by the police.
Apparently, 'Cobblers to the King' isn't acceptable.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #5709 on:** June 01, 2026, 05:54:21 pm »

What's the difference between a set of bagpipes and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up bagpipes.

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #5710 on:** June 01, 2026, 09:49:43 pm »

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WASA38 · « **Reply #5711 on:** June 02, 2026, 08:35:40 am »

Quote from: mr.bluesky on June 01, 2026, 09:49:43 pm

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Am guessing you don't bother reading the Politics thread.

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #5712 on:** June 02, 2026, 08:40:20 am »

Quote from: WASA38 on June 02, 2026, 08:35:40 am

Am guessing you don't bother reading the Politics thread.

Nah, no interest to me

JontyR · « **Reply #5713 on:** June 02, 2026, 11:16:52 pm »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on May 28, 2026, 11:43:29 pm

It's been 1 year, 12 days, 9 hours, 42 minutes and 10 seconds since the doctor cured my OCD.

I've got CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in the right order.

badsin · « **Reply #5714 on:** June 02, 2026, 11:49:55 pm »

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Steve2 · « **Reply #5715 on:** June 03, 2026, 04:38:25 am »

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mr.bluesky · « **Reply #5716 on:** June 03, 2026, 04:51:44 am »

Quote from: JontyR on June 02, 2026, 11:16:52 pm

I've got CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in the right order.

I've got DCO and dyslexia

Steve2 · « **Reply #5717 on:** June 03, 2026, 04:56:14 am »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #5718 on:** June 03, 2026, 12:26:15 pm »

I said "no comment" all the way through my interview at the police station.
I didn't get the job.

Jonestown · « **Reply #5719 on:** June 03, 2026, 12:42:11 pm »

I’ve opened a workshop to make small statues, it’s a niche market.

timsussex · « **Reply #5720 on:** June 03, 2026, 11:58:55 pm »

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as if you were running eight miles.

Who the hell can run eight miles in 30 seconds?

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #5721 on:** June 04, 2026, 08:29:10 am »

A young camel goes up to his father and says
" dad why do we have a hump ?"
his Dad replies " so we can store water when we make long treks cross the desert"
A few minutes later the son asks
" Dad why do we have such strange hooves ? "
His father replies "so our body weight is spread when we walk across the desert sand"
A few minutes later the son asks
" Dad why do we have such big eye lashes ? "
His Dad replies " to help keep the sand out of our eyes when we cross the desert"
A few minutes later the son asks
" Dad if we have a hump to store water, hooves to help us walk on sand and eylashes to keep the sand out of our eyes then why the fuck are we in London zoo "

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #5722 on:** June 04, 2026, 04:26:48 pm »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #5723 on:** June 04, 2026, 07:18:34 pm »

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sadolddeejay · « **Reply #5724 on:** June 05, 2026, 12:27:35 am »

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from barking to tooting in less than an hour.

Doormatt · « **Reply #5725 on:** June 05, 2026, 09:51:37 pm »

Quote from: sadolddeejay on June 05, 2026, 12:27:35 am

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from barking to tooting in less than an hour.

Wonderful

Doormatt · « **Reply #5726 on:** June 09, 2026, 05:52:56 pm »

I had an argument with a bloke in an eastend pub the other day. He accused me of not being a real cockney....so I pushed him down the apples and oranges.

Doormatt · « **Reply #5727 on:** June 10, 2026, 07:10:38 pm »

I bought some lamb chops
On the packet it said "reared in Wales"
And I thought that was just a racist stereotype.

Gary Delaney.

Bustydusty · « **Reply #5728 on:** June 10, 2026, 11:12:28 pm »

Quote from: Doormatt on June 10, 2026, 07:10:38 pm

I bought some lamb chops
On the packet it said "reared in Wales"
And I thought that was just a racist stereotype.

Gary Delaney.

Gary Delaney is brilliant

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #5729 on:** June 11, 2026, 09:52:50 am »

My Nan died on her 96th birthday.
So sad.
We were only half way through giving her the bumps.

Thephoenix · « **Reply #5730 on:** June 11, 2026, 11:13:03 am »

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Punterperson1971 · « **Reply #5731 on:** June 11, 2026, 11:36:13 am »

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Jonestown · « **Reply #5732 on:** June 11, 2026, 03:12:58 pm »

They say that hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the risk ?

catweazle · « **Reply #5733 on:** **Yesterday** at 01:14:08 pm »

Quote from: Bustydusty on June 10, 2026, 11:12:28 pm

Gary Delaney is brilliant

TIL that he's married to Sarah Millican

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #5734 on:** **Yesterday** at 05:21:25 pm »

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timsussex · « **Reply #5735 on:** **Yesterday** at 10:32:44 pm »

A man and his new girlfriend undress together for the first time. The man reveals deformed toes, explaining: "I had a childhood disease called Tolio." The girl asks, "Don't you mean Polio?" He replies, "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

He takes off his trousers, revealing a discoloured pair of knees. "I also had Kneesles," he says."Don't you mean Measles?" she asks."No, Kneesles, it only affects the knees."

Not wanting to ruin the mood, she pulls down his boxers, bursts out laughing, and says: "Wait, let me guess... Smallcox?"

Waterhouse · « **Reply #5736 on:** **Today** at 12:58:59 am »

Quote from: timsussex on Yesterday at 10:32:44 pm

A man and his new girlfriend undress together for the first time. The man reveals deformed toes, explaining: "I had a childhood disease called Tolio." The girl asks, "Don't you mean Polio?" He replies, "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

He takes off his trousers, revealing a discoloured pair of knees. "I also had Kneesles," he says."Don't you mean Measles?" she asks."No, Kneesles, it only affects the knees."

Not wanting to ruin the mood, she pulls down his boxers, bursts out laughing, and says: "Wait, let me guess... Smallcox?"

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Author Topic: The Joke Thread (Read 370669 times)