Emotional Attachment Syndrome

[RogerBoner]

I found what ukeros wrote very interesting. He could be sharing for the thrill of humiliation or as an online diary. UKP can be used as a private journal to record one's state of mind and to reminisce. If there's a cocaine binge scenario I would only have sex before or within half an hour because of cockdeath. Girls get the horn but for myself I want to fully enjoy sex without any intoxicants.

Do people on here have sex under  the internet of cocaine?

[ukeros]

I found what ukeros wrote very interesting. He could be sharing for the thrill of humiliation or as an online diary.

Neither, I am open to others opinions on my situation - which before the trip was a clear case of emotional attachment syndrome to a Pro Dominatrix who I feel I'm more than just a client too.

People doubted whether she had any genuine feelings towards me, the fact she let me go down on her whilst admittedly during an unplanned/spontaneous gangbang/after party and under the influence of drugs suggests otherwise surely?

[B4bcock]

Do people on here have sex under  the internet of cocaine?

The nearest I've got to that, Roger, is wanking to Pornhub whilst drinking a beer.   

[Bonker]

I watched the weather forecast whilst drinking Pepsi.

[cotton]

Neither, I am open to others opinions on my situation - which before the trip was a clear case of emotional attachment syndrome to a Pro Dominatrix who I feel I'm more than just a client too.

People doubted whether she had any genuine feelings towards me, the fact she let me go down on her whilst admittedly during an unplanned/spontaneous gangbang/after party and under the influence of drugs suggests otherwise surely?

In these situations i always think is it the lifestyle and the excitement that you are addicted to or is it the actual person.  Like would you still be so attracted to her if she lived in a seedy flat on the 11th floor of some drab EE tower block and it was just you are her watching telly and ordering a pizza.

Id say , just let it run its course , and hopefully sooner or later the mist will clear from your eyes.

[Payyourwaymate]

I have posted about it on other sites, yeah


I've had submissive urges since I first saw Lena Headey playing a Dominatrix on Band of Gold, and I can actually remember being attracted to powerful female figures like Catwoman as a child.  I've been seeing Dominatrixes and TS escorts on and off my entire adult life.



I paid for 2 nights in hotel and offered to pay for her flights too but she paid me back.  I never paid any money to her for her "time" and the hours of filming we did together, or the two nights out. 

The "gangbang" was totally spontaneous and unplanned, as said it was 3 random girls, none of whom spoke English that I invited back for an afterparty. - and yes it was unpaid


The fact she paid for her own flights suggests otherwise. 

And as explained, I've always felt there was a mutual attraction chemistry and she has stated numerous times to me that "there was an instant chemistry in our first session", that her BF was "worried I'll get carried away because he knows I like you" and she told me of the three regular subs/slaves that she has a connection too that I was her favourite - the other two both live in her home Country, one apparently is very loyal but not very intelligent, and the other is fat, ugly and has a micro-penis

The fact that she let me go down on her, despite it being in the heat of an alcohol/drug fuelled spontaneous "gangbang" just further reinforces my belief that there is some degree of mutual attraction - what else am I meant to read into that?


 
She's super hot, 13 years younger than me, is super kinky, we look amazing together and despite being a pro Dominatrix and having a BF is willing to suggest and travel trips abroad to spend time with me "to film and to have fun"

The "red flags and proceeding" refers to any potential romantic relationship.  Currently I'm proceeding with being a regular client/trusted film slave/friend that gets to party and film with her for free.

Pre this trip I was obsessing about a relationship with her despite the red flags of her being an emotional volcano/roller coaster.  During this trip I've seen how demanding she can be and I'm not sure I could put up with it full time.

There was one moment where she wanted me to do her trainers up and as I was knelt down she stepped on my toes and dirtied a brand new pair of Nikes, that pissed me off tbh



EDIT: why is this message waiting pre-approval?

Ok I see, so it's safe to say she's not using you financially but she is still getting some kind of psychological fufillment from this dom/sub relationship that keeps her coming back. However, her actual "boyfriend" from your description does not seem to be a "sub" as he seems to have more of a say in her behaviour than you do. To be honest I am not sure how you see yourself transitioning from a sub to her boyfriend. I think it's likely In her mind it's that she will only ever see you as a sub and although there is good chemistry, that is good for your dom/sub relationship but who knows if that can convert over to a normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

Your best bet is to just enjoy it for what it is and not take it too seriously. Also, seek a therapist specialised in such cases; pretty sure they can help explore why you indulge in such behaviour and be of more help than any of us here.

[Colston36]

I found what ukeros wrote very interesting. He could be sharing for the thrill of humiliation or as an online diary. UKP can be used as a private journal to record one's state of mind and to reminisce. If there's a cocaine binge scenario I would only have sex before or within half an hour because of cockdeath. Girls get the horn but for myself I want to fully enjoy sex without any intoxicants.

Do people on here have sex under  the internet of cocaine?

Wow! Where is the internet of cocaine?

[tesla]

People doubted whether she had any genuine feelings towards me, the fact she let me go down on her whilst admittedly during an unplanned/spontaneous gangbang/after party and under the influence of drugs suggests otherwise surely?

no all it suggests is that she wanted to get off or receive some pleasure

[workinallweek]

Just got back from 2 nights away with the Pro Dominatrix I've written about previously.  And this is only place I can really write about fully with regards to what happened

Hadn't seen her since February due to lockdown and my emotions were all over the place - basically wanting/fantasising about a relationship with her despite the fact she lives in Poland and currently has a boyfriend, thinking that if she were single she'd be interested in me.

Anyway, as soon as EU opened its borders I was ready to fly to her.  She said she wanted to go away together "to film (for her onlyfans) and to have fun".

She arrived on Wednesday evening and we went out for dinner/drinks, then she pegged me in the toilet of a nightclub (she likes filming public clips with me), we danced and drank a little bit, did some coke then went back to hotel.  Plan was to wake up early on Thursday for more filming but we stayed out later than normal so got up a few hours later.

Filmed more strapon clips in hotel room and on hotel room terrace despite the outdoor pool area being directly above us.  Then went to the beach to film a strapon scene there, somehow pulled that off.

Got ready for dinner, plan was to party properly tonight.  Ended up back at the same club as the first night, on the way out she was chatting to 3 random birds and I invited them back to our hotel suite for an afterparty.  Was a Spanish bird, a Portugese and a Cuban - none of them spoke English.

They get back to our room, and saw the various dildos laying around.  My friend isn't shy about telling people she's a Domme or that I'm her sub, it quickly turned rowdy with them stripping me and taking it in turns to peg me.  I went down on the Spanish chick whilst I was getting pegged, I also went down on my Domme which is the most intimate we've been.  Then the Cuban bird turned out to be a transsexual and I ended up giving her oral. (I've seen many TS escorts and I know my Domme likes the idea of watching me suck actual dick)

Two of the random girls went to find their car, the TS stayed and I sucked her off some more and let her peg me.

By this time it was 7am-ish, she left and it was just me and my Domme.  She went to bed and I slept as normal on the sofa.

Looking back it was obviously a totally crazy, wild and spontaneous 5-some which happened, there was lots of alcohol and drugs and I was totally in the moment - but I do feel some regret that I never took the initiative to try and get my cock in any of them, or went down on my Domme for longer.  I think the Spanish bird I was going down on came, but I am not sure if my Domme did.  If I could replay it then I'd have given her more attention to try and take things further.  But I guess looking back I shouldn't dwell on what didn't happen - because I basically had an unplanned spontaneous 5-some

 ANYWAY, having been on lockdown for 5 months without her and just with my thoughts/feelings/emotions I wanted to ask her something along the lines of "what am I to you" or "am i an idiot for thinking if you were single and we lived in same city something could develop further"

Over dinner she told me that her BF was no longer her slave, she previously spoke about him and her previousl relationships being 24/7 femdom led relationships.  She had told me that in December that she broke up with him for a few months because he wasn't submissive enough and didn't look after himself, so he went away and became more submissive and was now the "perfect slave and partner"

Now she told me that he wasn't really submissive to begin with, he just pretended to be to win her and now that she had some feelings for him she was ok with that.  But she also told me she didn't really love him, or was expecting after 12 months to have had more moments were she felt in love with him.  Despite telling me in February that she loved him

I'm not sure of my feelings to her, we obviously have chemistry - she described me as charismatic and fun.  I even told her I'm an introvert that needs alcohol/drugs to feel social and she disagreed with that.  (although I guess considering that she knows my deepest/darkest fanatasies there's no point being repressed/shy/anxious around her)

She has previously told me that her BF was "very jealous about you, because he knows I like you and is worried I will get carried away" - well that did happen

I'm honestly not sure of my feelings towards her.  Yes she's super hot, yes we film great content together but she's exceptionally demanding  -it was a bit of a struggle to find suitable restaurants that met all her requirements - food, location, view, distance and it was never long before she was moaning about it being too far to walk, or she decides on one restaurant, book a table, take taxi there and she decides she doesn't like menu anyway

I've previously said to her I don't know if I could handle it, it being a 24/7 femdom relationship and now I'm especially not sure I could put up with her on a full time basis. 

I can't remember exactly what caused it, but after we came out the restaurant she said "if we were in relationship I was already thinking about betraying you because of that argument".

I've previously said online and to her on this trip that she is a volcano, a roller-coaster and that nobody rides roller-coasters every day.  I've also said I'm aware of the multiple red flags and nothings changed since the trip.

She wants me to visit her next month for more filming and a fetish party, and I'll go for sure.

I guess my current headspace is "is she really the girl for me" and "did I miss my opportunity"

As ever outside perspective welcomed

are you paying her or is she paying you ?

[workinallweek]

 sorry i see your not paying 

 treat it as friends with benifits  although she sells on the filming so really you are being used   but if its our bag  crack on 

 been down the eas path a few times and probably will again 

[Colston36]

sorry i see your not paying 

 treat it as friends with benifits  although she sells on the filming so really you are being used   but if its our bag  crack on 

 been down the eas path a few times and probably will again 

I would hardly call that being used. It's rather like having the perfect job.

I find it hard to be that interested unless I'm emotionally attached. The trick is to make sure you're not exploited. I don't mean financially - that comes with marriage, or partnership anyhow. I mean emotionally.

[RogerBoner]

Wow! Where is the internet of cocaine?

Do people on here have sex under  the influence of cocaine? 

[Home Alone]

I would hardly call that being used. It's rather like having the perfect job.

I find it hard to be that interested unless I'm emotionally attached. The trick is to make sure you're not exploited. I don't mean financially - that comes with marriage, or partnership anyhow. I mean emotionally.

Sage words again, Colston. There can be a fine line in the attitudes SPs project; if I feel that she likes me - whether or not she actually does - I'll enjoy my time on top of her bed more than if she made me feel like the next bloke handing over cash for sex.

[ukeros]

Ok I see, so it's safe to say she's not using you financially but she is still getting some kind of psychological fufillment from this dom/sub relationship that keeps her coming back.

I'm one of two regular film slaves and she's making $10k a month just from Onlyfans.  This week she said she wanted me to come for a 3 days a month to her new dungeon for filming and looked disappointed when I said "well I'm hopefully starting a new job finally in September so that won't be possible, only at weekends"

This morning on one of her sites she commented on the latest clip that because of Covid we haven't seen each other for a while and "wanted to spend more time together" hence the trip overseas.  So her original suggestion of "going abroad to film and to have fun" was legitimate

She described me this week as "charismatic" and "extroverted", I am actually more of an introvert/loner without many friends and reliant on alcohol (and drugs when with her) to let loose.  So I think she genuinely does have fun with me.

One of the things I wanted to say to her this week but didn't is "it feels like I'm a substitute BF for all the things your BF doesn't like, eg fetish parties or can't do e.g filming".  But she told me her BF does like fetish parties, even though she told me in February that he doesn't!

However, her actual "boyfriend" from your description does not seem to be a "sub" as he seems to have more of a say in her behaviour than you do. To be honest I am not sure how you see yourself transitioning from a sub to her boyfriend. I think it's likely In her mind it's that she will only ever see you as a sub and although there is good chemistry, that is good for your dom/sub relationship but who knows if that can convert over to a normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

This is the "strange" thing, because she's always described and marketed herself as a lifestyle Dominant not just a professional one.

She told me before she went pro she would fly across Europe to meet interesting people for play sessions for free, then she realised she could do it as a job and combine her passion with work.

She told me her current BF wanted to meet for dinner before their first session as he was nervous.  They spoke over dinner for four hours because he was very interesting.  They were together for a few months and then she broke up with him because he wasn't submissive enough.  He came back some months later begging for another chance and was now "the perfect slave and partner".

They had a fight in January so she invited me to her city for the weekend because she wanted to make him jealous.  We then had a weekend together in Berlin for sessions and a fetish party and she told me he was "very jealous and worried I'll get carried away because he knows I like you".  I also know he's very jealous of her other film slave who lives in her home town and is currently helping her build her dungeon.  At one point on this trip she was on the phone to him whilst we were entering a club, and she held her phone towards the dance floor and shouted "LISTEN" because apparently he didn't believe we were in a club.  So he seems VERY insecure, which is understandable considering the nature of her work and the fact she could have any man she wanted

She also told me in Berlin they'd had a fight, he'd got physical with her because she wanted a short break but she was giving him a second chance.  She also said as a condition of taking him back he had to get a tattoo of her name.

She also told me that at the start of their relationship she told him that he had to accept her work, and that if there were fetishes he wasn't in to then she would find someone else to fulfil them with.

So it was apparently a Femdom/Female Lead Relationship, but this week she told me that her BF wasn't really a submissive and was just pretending to be in order to "catch" her.  And now she had some feelings for him she was ok with it being a normal relationship

Honestly it's not very congruent/consistent with everything she's told me before.  This week she said she didn't want to be "dominant all the time".  I asked her if its frustrating not having an outlet for her desires at home, and she said no because she still has pro sessions and play parties with friends  (but I guess women are typically unconsistent between what they say/think/do when it comes to love)

So based on the fact she is/was a Lifestlye Dominant then I don't think the jump from client to personal slave/BF is unrealistic.  Apparently her ex-bf also started as a client.  She also told me she isn't sexually attracted to non submissive men

I have no experience of a 24/7 Female Lead Relationship, and I've told her many times I don't know if I could handle it.  So any relationship with her doesn't necessarily have to be 24/7 female lead/femdom.  If it was a regular relationship that involved kink only in the bedroom that would probably be even easier, it just depends what she would want and if knowing I'm a true submissive she would prefer the 24/7 aspect

I've also told her I don't know if I could handle her on a full time basis and right now we have these mini adventure weekends which are awesome and don't involve any committment.

The issue was previously I was coming home and obsessing over her/wanting more, like the last few weeks I was reading all kinds of law of attraction stuff and visualising us being together lol (although I guess that partially worked considering I went down on her)

But now I'm not sure how I feel about her so maybe I'm over the EAS?  It could perhaps be an extended comedown from the cocaine, I definitely still felt hungover for most of yesterday (tired, didn't eat any proper meals just snacks)

[ukeros]

Can't edit last post anymore:

I guess it's mostly the "Princess" routine, here's what happened in chronological order:

Went to rooftop cocktail bar at our hotel, she wanted a Pina Colada but they didn't have it on the menu, so she ordered something else, took one sip and said she didn't like it.  Barman said it was ok and took it back no charge then attempted to make her a Pina Colada despite not having the ingredients.

Is a vegetarian/vegan so I found some highly reviewed vegetarian restaurants.  First night she decided she wanted Pasta, whilst on holiday in Spain and somewhere with a nice view, so we walked to beach and found somewhere else.  Not that bad I guess

Next day wanted Italian again for lunch, found somewhere near the hotel, she agreed it was ok then started to complain because it was too far to walk at about 500m of 1000m, like really started to moan to the point where people nearby were watching, eventually agreed to keep going.

Oh yeah - whilst we there a random sub messaged her asking for a session because we were in his city.  She jokingly said 300 euros for 30 minutes thinking he wouldn't pay it, but apparently he did, so she told me that he was coming to hotel and I would have to leave for 30 minutes because 300 euros was too good to turn down, in the end he didn't show - not very considerate considering I'd paid for the hotel so we could spend time together although I agree 300 euros is a good offer for 30minutes work.

Second night evening meal, wanted seafood and a beach view, showed her menu of one place, she agreed, we got taxi, got there and decided she didn't like menu after all but eventually decided it was ok.  Expressed state of bemusement towards waiter at their lack of cocktail menu and limited wine selection.

Basically there were several moments where I'm either looking away in embarassment or me and the waiter are exchanging glances that say everything about her tone/attitude

And also general lack of respect towards my property, eg snatching my Ray-Bans off me, or deliberately stepping on my new trainers

But now I'm looking at the clips as they start to be uploaded, and the general reaction and of course I naturally feel pride at our content

[ukeros]

In these situations i always think is it the lifestyle and the excitement that you are addicted to or is it the actual person.  Like would you still be so attracted to her if she lived in a seedy flat on the 11th floor of some drab EE tower block and it was just you are her watching telly and ordering a pizza.

Good point and as mentioned just now, right now our time together has either been paid sessions, unpaid filming and time spent together away in various European Cities - mini adventure weekends.

Before Corona we did have a London weekend planned which would have involved more filming, a fetish party and a full "hangover day" together.  But still in the context of a mini adventure weekend.

Before this trip I had told her that I don't just think about being with her Dominatrix persona but also think about her as a real person.  But again as mentioned just now, during this last trip I got more insight into her personality and what being with her more regularly would be like

[mrfishyfoo]

Do people on here have sex under  the influence of cocaine? 

Waste of time and effort as coke leads to one place only which is up and down floppy cock land. 

I choose not to get fucked up in any form on my paid for time unless it's an overnighter and the lass fully understands I expect her to perform "on demand".

[RogerBoner]

Waste of time and effort as coke leads to one place only which is up and down floppy cock land. 

Basic Instinct was being reviewed on Gogglebox when I posted the question. I have no sensation in my cock on drugs but it is often shown in films and rockstar, rapper anecdotes as part of the routine. Maybe it's a myth that it enhances sex. Girls get aroused though.

[mrfishyfoo]

Basic Instinct was being reviewed on Gogglebox when I posted the question. I have no sensation in my cock on drugs but it is often shown in films and rockstar, rapper anecdotes as part of the routine. Maybe it's a myth that it enhances sex. Girls get aroused though.

Lasses have told me it "helps" with facefucking as they can't feel owt in their throats so they don't puke.

[CatBBW]

The fact that she let me go down on her, despite it being in the heat of an alcohol/drug fuelled spontaneous "gangbang" just further reinforces my belief that there is some degree of mutual attraction - what else am I meant to read into that?

This is known as "pussy worship" in a D/s relationship, so that's how you could read it.


 

There was one moment where she wanted me to do her trainers up and as I was knelt down she stepped on my toes and dirtied a brand new pair of Nikes, that pissed me off tbh

You're her sub/slave, she is treating you accordingly.

[Ali Katt]

There was one moment where she wanted me to do her trainers up and as I was knelt down she stepped on my toes and dirtied a brand new pair of Nikes, that pissed me off tbh

She was taking it to the Max.

[ukeros]

This is known as "pussy worship" in a D/s relationship, so that's how you could read it.

Yes I'm aware, but this is a level of intimacy that I've not had previously with her.  It's not something she allows in regular sessions and she expressly told me not to refer to it in any facebook messages in case her BF sees.

She said she told her Mistress friends about the afterparty/gangbang and they were "jealous", I asked her if she told them about me going down on her and she said no.

So it's clearly something she wants to keep between us and I'm still kicking myself that I didn't make more of the opportunity whilst it was there.

[CatBBW]

Yes I'm aware, but this is a level of intimacy that I've not had previously with her.  It's not something she allows in regular sessions and she expressly told me not to refer to it in any facebook messages in case her BF sees.

She said she told her Mistress friends about the afterparty/gangbang and they were "jealous", I asked her if she told them about me going down on her and she said no.

So it's clearly something she wants to keep between us and I'm still kicking myself that I didn't make more of the opportunity whilst it was there.

Perhaps she tells her BF her pussy is just for him? Maybe he thinks he's (or wants to be) the only one allowed to give her oral pleasure? Maybe she just got carried away in the heat of the moment and "cheated"? Perhaps her Mistress friends see pussy play or receiving intimate pleasure as "not being dominant" or being a slut/prostitute, therefore she chose not to tell them?

[ukeros]

Maybe she just got carried away in the heat of the moment and "cheated"?

I think this is the most likely

 

Perhaps her Mistress friends see pussy play or receiving intimate pleasure as "not being dominant" or being a slut/prostitute, therefore she chose not to tell them?

Well I assume her Mistress friends, like most pro Mistresses aren't 100% 24/7 in Femdom mode.  And it seems to be the exception, not the rule, for pro-Dommes to be in femdom relationships.  Even this girl I'm talking about, who previously described herself as a 24/7 lifestyle Dominant has allowed her femdom relationship to transition into a regular one and is now telling me that she enjoys "normal" sexual activities/normal sex, after previously telling me that she was "always on top and in control" and that she wasn't sexually attracted to non submissive men

[CatBBW]

Well I assume her Mistress friends, like most pro Mistresses aren't 100% 24/7 in Femdom mode.  And it seems to be the exception, not the rule, for pro-Dommes to be in femdom relationships.  Even this girl I'm talking about, who previously described herself as a 24/7 lifestyle Dominant has allowed her femdom relationship to transition into a regular one and is now telling me that she enjoys "normal" sexual activities/normal sex, after previously telling me that she was "always on top and in control" and that she wasn't sexually attracted to non submissive men

Yes, BUT. She told her Mistress friends about the other activities. Whether or not 24/7, some Mistresses just won't agree that you can have pussy play within a D/s relationship. Add to it that she might feel like she cheated on her BF, why would she tell her Mistress friends about it?

I have seen all kinds of comments on Twitter from Mistresses proclaiming that you're not a PROPER domme if you give hand relief/receive or give oral/allow the sub to cum/dress in jeans/etc etc; perhaps she doesn't want to be ostracised by her circle of dommes similarly.

[ukeros]

Yes, BUT. She told her Mistress friends about the other activities. Whether or not 24/7, some Mistresses just won't agree that you can have pussy play within a D/s relationship. Add to it that she might feel like she cheated on her BF, why would she tell her Mistress friends about it?

Yes, I have no expectations either way whether she should or shouldn't tell them - especially if her BF occasionally reads her messages like she says he does.  Maybe she tells them in person or doesn't, it doesn't affect me

I have seen all kinds of comments on Twitter from Mistresses proclaiming that you're not a PROPER domme if you give hand relief/receive or give oral/allow the sub to cum/dress in jeans/etc etc; perhaps she doesn't want to be ostracised by her circle of dommes similarly.

Well, regardless of subject, Twitter is full of lunatics and shouldn't be taken seriously - I could write an essay about how Twitter and it's destructive potential!

We actually spoke this week about how an important life rule is not to care what other people think, and she agreed that she does not.

[Payyourwaymate]

I'm one of two regular film slaves and she's making $10k a month just from Onlyfans.  This week she said she wanted me to come for a 3 days a month to her new dungeon for filming and looked disappointed when I said "well I'm hopefully starting a new job finally in September so that won't be possible, only at weekends".....



But now I'm not sure how I feel about her so maybe I'm over the EAS?  It could perhaps be an extended comedown from the cocaine, I definitely still felt hungover for most of yesterday (tired, didn't eat any proper meals just snacks)

I honestly don't know what to tell you that could be of any assistance, this is not a domain I have experience to be able to say anything. The only thing I can say is try not to get emotionally involved or it may not end well for you. Just stick to your client/service relationship. Good luck.

[Lou2019]

I honestly don't know what to tell you that could be of any assistance, this is not a domain I have experience to be able to say anything. The only thing I can say is try not to get emotionally involved or it may not end well for you. Just stick to your client/service relationship. Good luck.

sadly I think it’s too late, there is clearly EA on his part

[ukeros]

sadly I think it’s too late, there is clearly EA on his part

Did you even read?  There definitely was prior to this trip, now I'm not so sure.

[CheeseBoard]

Did you even read?  There definitely was prior to this trip, now I'm not so sure.

I've now read what you've written (thanks for going to such detail).  It does read to me that you still have EAS (and its getting worse).  Here are a couple of things I've noticed:-

1) As mentioned above by others, she is a dom and as such treating you like a sub.
2) She needs someone for her content and you are more than available.  Sounds like she is getting something out of it, its not that you are getting it for free.  Win win (sounds like an equitable trade).
3) Anything she says or does you are reading with a biased angle towards your hope she likes you.  She probably does like you as you have spent a lot of time together, but not the way you think.  She doesn't have any respect for you it seems.
3) You mention things she does with you and not others.  How do you know (100%) that its all true?  She knows it makes you feel a little special, and step you back in line.  Isn't that what a dom does?
4) She is a person and her dom mask will slide now and then.  You are reading that as though its feelings for you.  Its not.  Must be tiring being a professional bitch 24/7.
5) Her boyfriend was physical with her (as she told you).  She is either lying because she knows it will make you gush, or its true and she still wants to try again.  Which means he has more of an emotional hook into her than you will ever do.
6) When you said she was disappointed when you said you couldn't visit because of a potential new job, she was disappointed as she now has to go find someone else.  Not because of you.

On the whole, you are mentally twisting any event to validate your thoughts. There has been a lot of good comments here by people who are not emotionally (or other) invested in your situation.
The one person you cant lie to is yourself.  Deep down you know the score of what you would love it to be vs the reality of what its ever going to be.

If you want to pursue this, you need a game plan and be prepared to close the door on it and walk (and find another dom).  If it doesn't go as you would hope or like it to, at least you will know the score..

Not sure if that helps but those are my thoughts 

[ukeros]

.

Not sure if that helps but those are my thoughts 

The whole point of my post trip update was to say I'm less enamoured with her then I was before the trip.

Like in the weeks preceding it I was doing all kinds of law of attraction visualisations and affirmations re us being together lol.  I was also doing semen retention/no fap streaks and was up to 21 days by time I left lol

But having seen how demanding she is I'm not sure I still want to be with her on a full time basis, that's literally where my head space is right now.

I was definitely still hungover on Saturday from Thursday night's debacle and it's possible I'm on a comedown from the cocaine.

The irony is, I partially got what I was hoping for from the trip which was a greater level of intimacy with her than before, even if it was just going down on her during an unplanned after party/gang bang on me - she's always been adamant she wouldn't cheat on her bf

She also told me she wasn't really in love with him.

Both these things should have given me more impetus to keep pursuing her but I don't know if I want to

Oh and I'm definitely kicking myself about not paying her more attention during the gang bang, although I was totally in the moment and off my face on alcohol and coke.  I mean, I sucked off the TS because I knew she would enjoy watching it, but looking back on when I was going down on her it definitely seemed like the Spanish girl enjoyed it more than the Mistress

Although it is possible my memory is just patchy

[ukeros]

Also,

Should I be beating myself up that I didn't take more advantage of the opportunity when going down on her?

I mean, if you "offered" me before the holiday a spontaneous, unplanned gangbang with 3 random birds and her, that would involve going down on 1 of them, going down on my Domme whilst getting pegged and then sucking off and getting fucked by a TS, then obviously I would have taken it.

My Domme knows I've seen TS Escorts and been in TS porn.  I was actually looking at TS Escorts in Barcelona before the trip in case there were any fit ones that I could book so she could watch...and I got that for free.

Like, so many good things happened on this trip that I was trying to visualise/manifest before the trip - even down to conversations in bars with random people where we tell them I was her sub - happened exactly like I imagined.  Also, the fact she told me she wasn't really in love with her BF.

I basically feel like a footballer who scored two goals in the Champions League but missed a penalty for the hat-trick

[Rick2468]

Just got back from 2 nights away with the Pro Dominatrix I've written about previously.

Not really related to your story but I'm bored. I have visited a few Dominatrices in my time and it has always been a fetish of mine. I dated a Dominatrix whilst in my 20s but unfortunately she was one of the less attractive ones but I still dated her for a bit because she was a Domme. I knew she was a Dominatrix right from the start but didn't let slip and she told me fairly early on because she wanted to check it wasn't a problem.

Not the Domme I dated but do you know Mistress Darcy from the US who often stayed in London for years at a time? She posted on her blog that she was looking for "studs" for when she next visited London and asked people to send photos so I did and we chatted for a bit and she said I looked "cute" so I thought I might have a chance but she suddenly cut off contact so nothing happened. I was very keen so I kept on emailing her to check in so probably came across as completely desperate!

I also spoke to yet another Domme on OKCupid and we had a chat on the telephone and she said I didn't sound like my photos and didn't message me again after that. Bit strange that one.

And yet another Domme messaged me out of the blue on Fetlife and she said she loved my profile it was the best one she had seen and she gave me a number to WhatsApp her. The number was different to the professional one she had on her website so I assume it was her personal number. I couldn't work out if she actually liked me or was trying to get me to book a paid session with her it was really unclear. She was extremely attractive but again she just cut off contact eventually. 

Maybe one day I will finally catch one!

[ukeros]

Not the Domme I dated but do you know Mistress Darcy from the US who often stayed in London for years at a time?

Yes, as in 2010 I emailed her about going to TG together but I didn't have any outfits!

[CheeseBoard]

Also,

Should I be beating myself up that I didn't take more advantage of the opportunity when going down on her?

I mean, if you "offered" me before the holiday a spontaneous, unplanned gangbang with 3 random birds and her, that would involve going down on 1 of them, going down on my Domme whilst getting pegged and then sucking off and getting fucked by a TS, then obviously I would have taken it.

My Domme knows I've seen TS Escorts and been in TS porn.  I was actually looking at TS Escorts in Barcelona before the trip in case there were any fit ones that I could book so she could watch...and I got that for free.

Like, so many good things happened on this trip that I was trying to visualise/manifest before the trip - even down to conversations in bars with random people where we tell them I was her sub - happened exactly like I imagined.  Also, the fact she told me she wasn't really in love with her BF.

I basically feel like a footballer who scored two goals in the Champions League but missed a penalty for the hat-trick

The fact that you are overthinking it to the level you are kind of proves my point in my last reply.

Good luck in concluding this scenario.  Hope it works out for you 

[Rick2468]

Yes, as in 2010 I emailed her about going to TG together but I didn't have any outfits!

Did you ever session with her? I always found she was quite saucy but I fancied her a bit too much that I wanted to fuck her rather than be Dommed. She seemed to imply in her blog that it occasionally happened but didn't want to count on it.

Can I ask who else you have seen? Dommes I have seen are:

Mistress Karrina (was in Grays, now retired)
Mistress Alexandra a couple of times (now retired)
Mistress Annabelle in Kent (also now retired......absolute sex pot!)
Mistress Ava (did retire I think she is back in London now but more expensive)
Sin De Cat (mixed sex and fetish services)

I'm sure there are more but can't seem to think! I also made a booking with Miss Laila this year and I knew she also offered GFE. When I arrived she looked so nice I asked if we could just go for GFE and she was happy to change at such short notice.

I once made a booking with Miss Petite but I messed up the deposit so it never went ahead. It was a total accident but I think she thought I was messing her about. I still hope to see her again some time but will have to make contact from a different number!

Always have an eye out for other people to see but noone catches my eye these days.

[cotton]

Yeh as Cheeseboard says the fact your thinking about it to the degree you are testifies to the fact you are still up to your eyeballs in EAS.
You havnt got EAS when you can say fuck this ho , god what a chump ive been mooning about like a love sick swan for that rancid hooker .
You arnt quite there yet 

[ukeros]

The fact that you are overthinking it to the level you are kind of proves my point in my last reply.

Good luck in concluding this scenario.  Hope it works out for you 

Well I'm overthinking it in the way that I perhaps had an opportunity to fuck a super attractive woman that I've been lusting after for years, hanging out with, partying with, filming fetish clips with whilst also being denied/kept at arms length sexually - that's not EAS, that's Sexual Attraction/Lust and is perfectly natural

[ukeros]

Mistress Annabelle in Kent (also now retired......absolute sex pot!)

Would have liked to have seen Annabelle a few years ago, always thought she was the UK equivalent of Evolin Pierce who I travelled to Amsterdam to see when she was over from US

In terms of UK Dommes, saw Goddess Anastaxia - she was hot, Mistress Terra (hot but average session) , External Link/Members Only - <-findoms but also a real life lesbian couple who offered lesbian cuckolding - was actually a super good session

[CheeseBoard]

Well I'm overthinking it in the way that I perhaps had an opportunity to fuck a super attractive woman that I've been lusting after for years, hanging out with, partying with, filming fetish clips with whilst also being denied/kept at arms length sexually - that's not EAS, that's Sexual Attraction/Lust and is perfectly natural

Fair enough.  I stand corrected.  No EAS whatsoever 

[ukeros]

Fair enough.  I stand corrected.  No EAS whatsoever 

Are you saying you can't differentiate between lust/sexual desire and emotional attachment?

And that if you were in the middle of an orgy, where the most that happened was you got pegged, went down on 2 birds, kissed a few - would you not look back and think "fuck, I could have fucked at least one of them"

Here - I can also apply the same question to the random Spanish bird I was going down on and kissing, I clearly don't have EAS for her because I didn't even know her name - but obviously if I was gonna fuck at least one of them I would rather it have been the person I was on holiday with, that I'd been lusting after and the person I'd thinking about being in a relationship with

Was it a missed opportunity to fuck at least one of them? Should I be beating myself up about it - those are the questions

[Lou2019]

Fair enough.  I stand corrected.  No EAS whatsoever 

I got it wrong too lol!  i’m sure it will all work out perfectly fine for him eeek

[Rick2468]

Would have liked to have seen Annabelle a few years ago, always thought she was the UK equivalent of Evolin Pierce who I travelled to Amsterdam to see when she was over from US

In terms of UK Dommes, saw Goddess Anastaxia - she was hot, Mistress Terra (hot but average session) , External Link/Members Only - <-findoms but also a real life lesbian couple who offered lesbian cuckolding - was actually a super good session

Annabelle had such an awesome body. I read on some forums that she offered sex with clients but alas it didn't happen with me. My theory is there is about a 20 year age gap between us and I was young enough to be her son so she might have thought it weird. Lots of teasing and purring though! It was strange as when I visited her she asked me to travel to a location which was on a quiet road and call her when I was there and she came and picked me up in her car! It was possibly her way of vetting me. Doubt I'd be prepared to go through that faff again.

I have seen Terra's profiles. I think I actually messaged her and decided not to go ahead but can't remember why.

Just remembered I saw Miss Kitty, usually based in Manchester but she was in London. However she said her trips to London are extremely rare. Found her very attractive so it was fun.

And another one I forgot (memory so bad!) is LondonLucy which was a good mix of sex and fetish. It was good but I was a bit of a heavy drinker around that time (due to Mother being very ill, over it now!) and I was a bit pissed during the session so can't even remember it all!
External Link/Members Only

Made a booking to see MisEleckta and even travelled to her apartment. She gave me the code get into the flat lobby but she gave me the wrong one and shouted at me over the phone when I told her it didn't work. I walked off and she called me again and said sorry she had given me wrong code. Too late by then.
External Link/Members Only

[CheeseBoard]

Are you saying you can't differentiate between lust/sexual desire and emotional attachment?

* You are saying that..

And that if you were in the middle of an orgy, where the most that happened was you got pegged, went down on 2 birds, kissed a few - would you not look back and think "fuck, I could have fucked at least one of them"

* I wouldn't be in a scenario where someone puts pegs on me.  Doesn't sound like something I'd enjoy

Here - I can also apply the same question to the random Spanish bird I was going down on and kissing, I clearly don't have EAS for her because I didn't even know her name - but obviously if I was gonna fuck at least one of them I would rather it have been the person I was on holiday with, that I'd been lusting after and the person I'd thinking about being in a relationship with

Was it a missed opportunity to fuck at least one of them? Should I be beating myself up about it - those are the questions

* Sounds like missed opportunity.  Why beat yourself up over it?  Do you have their numbers? Call them up and rearrange. 

[ukeros]

* I wouldn't be in a scenario where someone puts pegs on me.  Doesn't sound like something I'd enjoy




* Sounds like missed opportunity.  Why beat yourself up over it?  Do you have their numbers? Call them up and rearrange. 

Well that's irrelevant, you can leave out the pegging part and just say you took 3 random girls back to your hotel, along with the female friend that you were on holiday with.  Let's say this female friend isn't a Domme or anything like that, that it was her idea to go on holiday with you post lockdown because she wanted to have fun despite having a BF back home, that you've hung out with her loads and you think there's a mutual attraction but are in the friend zone

You get back to the hotel, things get rowdy and you end up going down on one of the random birds, kissing her and playing with her breasts, then going down on your female friend which is first time you've been intimate with her.

But you're totally off your face and not really "thinking" about what's going on.

The next day you think:

a) I could have put my cock in the random bird

AND

b) I could have had sex with my female friend and broke past the friend zone barrier and finally achieved what you'd been hoping for in the 12 months you've known her

AND

c) I could have been more aware of what was going on and really put more effort into the oral on both of them and made them cum super hard etc etc to look like a casanova

[CheeseBoard]

Well that's irrelevant, you can leave out the pegging part and just say you took 3 random girls back to your hotel, along with the female friend that you were on holiday with.  Let's say this female friend isn't a Domme or anything like that, that it was her idea to go on holiday with you post lockdown because she wanted to have fun despite having a BF back home, that you've hung out with her loads and you think there's a mutual attraction but are in the friend zone

You get back to the hotel, things get rowdy and you end up going down on one of the random birds, kissing her and playing with her breasts, then going down on your female friend which is first time you've been intimate with her.

But you're totally off your face and not really "thinking" about what's going on.

The next day you think:

a) I could have put my cock in the random bird

AND

b) I could have had sex with my female friend and broke past the friend zone barrier and finally achieved what you'd been hoping for in the 12 months you've known her

AND

c) I could have been more aware of what was going on and really put more effort into the oral on both of them and made them cum super hard etc etc to look like a casanova

No matter how much you change the scenario I can't put myself in your position. I would never go away for fun with a girl I know had a boyfriend, nor would I take whatever you took and be off my face and lastly I'd never bring back 3 random birds if I was with someone already.

If you say you don't have EAS, then you don't have EAS 

[ukeros]

No matter how much you change the scenario I can't put myself in your position. I would never go away for fun with a girl I know had a boyfriend, nor would I take whatever you took and be off my face and lastly I'd never bring back 3 random birds if I was with someone already.

If you say you don't have EAS, then you don't have EAS 

I say you have EAS - empathy aversion syndrome

[Marshall85]

listen to this song on repeat, hopefully it will help External Link/Members Only

[ulstersubbie]

listen to this song on repeat, hopefully it will help External Link/Members Only

You rascal!   

[ukeros]

Thoughts guys?

She, the Dominatrix - has invited me to her birthday party next month, it will be a combination birthday/fetish party.  She also wants to do some more filming and go to dinner

When we were on holiday she told me her BF was getting super jealous of her other regular film slave.  This slave lives in same city and was helping her A LOT with some renovation work, and as a result they were getting closer due to the increased amount of time they were spending together.  (although she previously told me this slave was 'too stupid' to be in a relationship with, and on holiday she said she thinks he might be mentally impeded some way)

Anyway, this slave had to drop some things off at her apartment, crossed paths with the BF and apparently it was super awkward.

So I asked her, will it be awkward at the party (because y'know, she invited me to spend weekend with her in January to piss off the BF, said he was "very jealous of you because he knows I like you and is scared I'll get carried away" and booked a two night trip abroad with me as soon as borders re-opened, and I went down on her at a crazy random after party - although obviously he doesn't know this)

She said "no because he doesn't have a problem with you"

She has said it's a fetish/play party, her friends are "very playful" and she intends to get involved too.  Her BF isn't a submissive and she once told me he doesn't like fetish parties, but on holiday said he does.  I also know he values his privacy very much because of his job so can't see him getting involved

I'm not sure how I should handle this, specifically meeting him, being around them together and general involvement in the fetish play.  I really can't imagine myself being comfortable playing with her with him in the background.

My thoughts:

1.  Meeting him - offer a firm handshake, say good to meet you and be amicable.

2.  Seeing them together - avoid as much as possible, distract myself as much as possible by being as social as possible with everyone else (despite not knowing anyone else there)

She's said most people will leave the party at the planned end time, but the "closest" people will stay after hours.  My hope is he fucks off home, we get on the gear and I can relax 

Oh and before you say it, yeah the feelings of "she's too much hard work" lasted a few days - absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that, as do the super hot Onlyfans posts and videos from our trip abroad