How to leave a long term relationship?

[niceguy30!!]

Right guys, I'm thinking of leaving the oh. We've been together 12 yrs. She has 2 kids 17 and 21 who do my head in.
I'm mid 30's she's mid 40's and has no interest in sex anymore.
It's not that we argue or have a bad relationship, I just feel there's no connection anymore, she thinks sex isn't important.
I stupidly sold my house and moved in with her, now I don't have anything to fall back on. I don't want leave and end up renting as I'll never get back on the property ladder, nor do I want take anything out of her house, and leave her in the shit. Even though I've been paying the half of everything including the cost of her kids for nearly 8 yrs, and my name is on the mortgage.
Advice from those who have been in the situation of trying to find a way out.

[JontyR]

Go to counselling. Even if you don't find a way to live or address your problems it will at least allow for the hard discussions to take place from a position of at least understanding each others positions.

[JontyR]

Failing that, leave your punting phone on the table and it will at least bring everything to a head.

[Watts.E.Dunn]

Go and see a Good Solicitor and see what he or she can do for you and from the look of it maybe not a lot.

You may be held responsible for the younger childs upkeep, the older one is old enough to be self standing as it were.

The court may just, may see that you have put money into the home that is if you have been paying the mortage, other assets may be split but i don't think this is going to have that good an outcome for you mate.. sorry..

As to punting they won't give a monkeys about that or who was was not shagging who, not their concern!..

You might find this site of some use!..

External Link/Members Only

[lewisjones23]

biggest mistake was selling your property, should have just rented it out

nothing can change that now though

[webpunter]

OP, did you get any money out of your gaff when you sold it ?
If so what did you do with it ?

[JontyR]

One thing to be careful about is if you are going to research divorce or divorce lawyers online, see that it doesn't start appearing on her cookie fuelled adverts unless you want it to.

[mradventures]

would he need to vpn, and use incogneto mode?
counselling might help, but yeah if you dont want to be there in a relationship with her no more its tough to deal with , but also tough to endure staying.

[niceguy30!!]

OP, did you get any money out of your gaff when you sold it ?
If so what did you do with it ?

Unfortunately due to the recession at the time and the house being located in a shit hole, it took me nearly 2 yrs to sell and only broke even on it.

[Moby Dick]

Sounds like your mind is made up.
It’s just about coming away amicably with more than just a pot to piss in.

I take it you’re not married?
This can affect how you divide up any savings/debts/pensions.
If you aren’t married then “what’s yours is pretty much yours”, so stash savings etc in a private account she don’t know about (together with your  punting pot). Pay off any credit cards in your name.

Do the kids (young adults) contribute to the household income and bills?
Do you have any legal responsibility for the kids, ie have you adopted?
I don’t see how you can be expected to contribute to their needs.
Maybe your income would be used to calculate student loans etc, but the oldest one should be independent now and needs to leave.
If they weren’t there would the OH be walking around in Sussies gagging for it?  Tell them to fuck off, or at least go out for the night.

How much is left to pay back on the mortgage?
Are you on the deeds?
As joint tenants or tenants in common?
Important legal stuff to know.
Don’t just walk away or stop contributing to the mortgage without speaking with a solicitor first. You may be entitled to 50% of the house value (less outstanding mortgage payments).
Think about yourself. What if she meets someone new shortly after you leaving and they at some point will be living mortgage free, whilst you live in a bedsit?
Do it right and you may legally be entitled to sell the house and provide cash for what you are owed.
Or you remain a joint/part owner and she and her kids pay rent (so you can put towards living elsewhere).

[webpunter]

I asked coz if you had spent proceeds on her kids her place etc then more of a claim

Unfortunately due to the recession at the time and the house being located in a shit hole, it took me nearly 2 yrs to sell and only broke even on it.

[webpunter]

+1
Hit the nail on the head
Young adults not kids

On here its all general pointers, from what UKP'ers will have had happen to them / their mates

Get a solicitor specializing in divorce
At the mo you feel like you want to do the right thing, let the solicitor work out what this is

Might be that the OH wants you 'gorne' but is concerned initiating this will cost her more

The property will have increased in value, probably by more than you think
Have a look on zoopla which shows sales values on properties around where you are [historic figs as well]
It won't take much effort on the interweb to get an idea
AFAIAA you should be entitled to a % of the increase in the value since you moved in with her given that you have been contributing 50%
This will hopefully be enough to give you a deposit on a new place
How she finances this is her problem

My suggestion is don't do anything rash, go see a solictor [with the property figures] see what the advice is & take things from there

Sounds like your mind is made up.
It’s just about coming away amicably with more than just a pot to piss in.

I take it you’re not married?
This can affect how you divide up any savings/debts/pensions.
If you aren’t married then “what’s yours is pretty much yours”, so stash savings etc in a private account she don’t know about (together with your  punting pot). Pay off any credit cards in your name.

Do the kids (young adults) contribute to the household income and bills?
Do you have any legal responsibility for the kids, ie have you adopted?
I don’t see how you can be expected to contribute to their needs.
Maybe your income would be used to calculate student loans etc, but the oldest one should be independent now and needs to leave.
If they weren’t there would the OH be walking around in Sussies gagging for it?  Tell them to fuck off, or at least go out for the night.

How much is left to pay back on the mortgage?
Are you on the deeds?
As joint tenants or tenants in common?
Important legal stuff to know.
Don’t just walk away or stop contributing to the mortgage without speaking with a solicitor first. You may be entitled to 50% of the house value (less outstanding mortgage payments).
Think about yourself. What if she meets someone new shortly after you leaving and they at some point will be living mortgage free, whilst you live in a bedsit?
Do it right and you may legally be entitled to sell the house and provide cash for what you are owed.
Or you remain a joint/part owner and she and her kids pay rent (so you can put towards living elsewhere).

[lillythesavage]

Having quite recently been through this after nearly 30 years, there is good advice and poor advice above.

Going to a solicitor is the worst advice, if you can avoid that do so, it will not help keeping things civil.

Counselling is good advice but only if your mind is not made up, waste of time otherwise.

The thing I picked up on is the 10 year age gap, the wrong way round, that gap will feel bigger as you both get older.

If you take the bull by the horns, avoid insulting each other, it is possible to move on, stay friends and avoid solicitors, you just have to be honest with her.

[Aldebaran]

You don't really go into much detail. Why do the two kids do your head in? I'm guessing because they are apron string clingers who show no interest in standing up for themselves and expect to be waited on and kept. Possibly you feel she puts them before you.
You also mention no interest in sex from her side, but nowhere in your original post is any mention of love or affection, so why did you get together in the first place?
Whatever you decide to do, you are going to have to accept that it will be painful, either financially or emotionally, possibly both. You need to decide which is the best and least painful option for you, going or staying. Nobody can make that decision for you and as there are many facets to any situation, nobody on this forum can really offer valid advice.
Has it occurred to you that maybe she feels the same way? That perhaps her lack of sexual interest is just an indication that she no longer has any stake in the relationship?  Does she show affection in any other way or are you like two strangers sharing the same house? Only you can answer these questions and decide what to do.

[Thecunninglinguist]

You will have no chance of redeeming any money out of the house or stop paying your whack if the younger child is in education.

[webpunter]

Point taken re not using solicitors
Reck worth paying for an hour to go through stuff
Send the brief details in advance re set up at home
So you don't waste the hour him / her writing down details
Then you will have a 'back-stop' position / indication of what you are likely to & not to get
Least then if you raise the split with the OH you've done your homework

[Gordon Bennett]

But what next? Where are you in 5 years time, 12 years time? Just leaving her is just one part of the longer journey - if you have a clear vision/focus on the future it might make it simpler to plot the route and how you take the first step.

[sparkus]

As others have said, we can only tease out various details from what you've provided.  I suppose rather than the advice given above, what I would focus in on is your age.  You're in your mid 30s and if you stay in this unhappy relationship then when you're her age (still relatively young) she will be mid 50s and though the kids/issue will be long gone you may well be sick of the sight of each other anyway by then.  So there's an opportunity cost here as if you extricate yourself now you will still be in your 30s and have plenty of fresh pasture ahead of you.

I was in a roughly similar situation minus the kids and in the end bit the financial bullet and took a blow to my finances/standard of living as a result.  Before that I had tried to make it work by punting and seeing other women on the side, either through work or POF.  In the end I just resolved to move on and was immediately happier as a result.  Met someone else straight away and for a few years that was brilliant but even we drifted apart and I got a better offer (she doesn't know that and thinks we just 'drifted apart').

I'm guessing the stick with it and see others on the side isn't an option? You're already punting.

You may also be doing her a favour as well, she could well raise the remaining kid then meet someone her own age who's more compatible.

[Stretfordender]

Having quite recently been through this after nearly 30 years, there is good advice and poor advice above.

Going to a solicitor is the worst advice, if you can avoid that do so, it will not help keeping things civil.

Counselling is good advice but only if your mind is not made up, waste of time otherwise.

The thing I picked up on is the 10 year age gap, the wrong way round, that gap will feel bigger as you both get older.

If you take the bull by the horns, avoid insulting each other, it is possible to move on, stay friends and avoid solicitors, you just have to be honest with her.

Sorry to jump in but I've been split with the wife for 18 months. Fairly amicable split and both want what's best for the kids etc. You say not to go to a solicitor. How did you do it if you don't mind me asking? I've looked online and it's a bit of a minefield with lots of conflicting advice.

[Moby Dick]

Point taken re not using solicitors
Reck worth paying for an hour to go through stuff
Send the brief details in advance re set up at home
So you don't waste the hour him / her writing down details
Then you will have a 'back-stop' position / indication of what you are likely to & not to get
Least then if you raise the split with the OH you've done your homework

Just ring them up. They will normally offer a 30minute free consultation.
Have details about your mortgage, deeds, joint tenants etc. How much you have contributed, how much is left to pay.

She doesn’t need to know at this stage. Better if she doesn’t, get all your ducks lined up first.
Formulate an exit plan.

[Mr Sinister]

Right guys, I'm thinking of leaving the oh. We've been together 12 yrs. She has 2 kids 17 and 21 who do my head in.

"she has 2 kids" Meaning they are not your sperm? If that's so and they have a father, then it's time for you to split from them. 17 and 21 they're young adults now, not babies.

I'm mid 30's she's mid 40's and has no interest in sex anymore.
It's not that we argue or have a bad relationship, I just feel there's no connection anymore, she thinks sex isn't important.

Mid 30s you're entering your prime, she has hit the wall and is near menopause stage, she has kids meaning she has her needs set. Again if those kids aren't yours you have a whole life ahead of you. Her life is done.

I stupidly sold my house and moved in with her, now I don't have anything to fall back on.

Yep you're an idiot, time to plug out the matrix, advice for men in these times build up your own little nest egg before you move in with a woman and make it clear to her this is yours, you can still build something with her but you need something to fall back on and an exit strategy should shit hit the fan.

nor do I want take anything out of her house, and leave her in the shit. Even though I've been paying the half of everything including the cost of her kids for nearly 8 yrs, and my name is on the mortgage.

Again clarify your situation are you married? Secondly why have you been paying for another man's seed? his mistake, does their father play a role in the children's life? Does he contribute? You've been paying half the mortgage and expenses, do you have the receipts? Get them now because you have every right to get equity out of the property.
It's not about leaving her in the shit but think about it if the tables were turned she would not think twice about trying to get what's hers.

[Colston36]

Sounds like your mind is made up.
It’s just about coming away amicably with more than just a pot to piss in.

I take it you’re not married?
This can affect how you divide up any savings/debts/pensions.
If you aren’t married then “what’s yours is pretty much yours”, so stash savings etc in a private account she don’t know about (together with your  punting pot). Pay off any credit cards in your name.

Do the kids (young adults) contribute to the household income and bills?
Do you have any legal responsibility for the kids, ie have you adopted?
I don’t see how you can be expected to contribute to their needs.
Maybe your income would be used to calculate student loans etc, but the oldest one should be independent now and needs to leave.
If they weren’t there would the OH be walking around in Sussies gagging for it?  Tell them to fuck off, or at least go out for the night.

How much is left to pay back on the mortgage?
Are you on the deeds?
As joint tenants or tenants in common?
Important legal stuff to know.
Don’t just walk away or stop contributing to the mortgage without speaking with a solicitor first. You may be entitled to 50% of the house value (less outstanding mortgage payments).
Think about yourself. What if she meets someone new shortly after you leaving and they at some point will be living mortgage free, whilst you live in a bedsit?
Do it right and you may legally be entitled to sell the house and provide cash for what you are owed.
Or you remain a joint/part owner and she and her kids pay rent (so you can put towards living elsewhere).

Good advice. Sad story. I would say my last divorce cost me a million because of bad advice. This is not a way of boasting; just an awful warning from an idiot! Luckily I ended up in a good situation. There is one thing you have that can't be measured in money: you seem to have been a good guy if what you say is accurate.

[Watts.E.Dunn]

Good advice. Sad story. I would say my last divorce cost me a million because of bad advice. This is not a way of boasting; just an awful warning from an idiot! Luckily I ended up in a good situation. There is one thing you have that can't be measured in money: you seem to have been a good guy if what you say is accurate.

I still reckon a hour with a solicitor wouldnt be a bad investment. Course all these things end amicably dont they?.. well bloody rarely!

I do hope you come out of this well, but there maybe bits of the law and aspects that you don't know off or much about.

What i can tell you my Barrister at bugger all change out of 3000 quid a day a saved me a Six figure sum;!...

[webpunter]

Our fave sport can deffo be measured in money !

There is one thing you have that can't be measured in money

Amicably when the burd thinks she's got a right result

Course all these things end amicably dont they?.. well bloody rarely!

Bits ??  Most me thinks

but there maybe bits of the law and aspects that you don't know off or much about.

A six figure sum is a lot of punting wedge

What i can tell you my Barrister at bugger all change out of 3000 quid a day a saved me a Six figure sum;!...

[Niggledebits]

I was in a similar situation recently. No kids involved, I am older than the op but the age difference was similar. Wasn't married thank goodness.

I would avoid going to a solicitor, they will just eat up money and there is no legal aid so you have to pay the fees up front or regularly. I did go through a very expensive divorce years ago.

You are only young, you could claim some money from her on the basis that you have contributed to the mortgage but why don't you walk away and start again?  There are so many single women out there so don't worry about meeting someone else.

Good luck!

Ps - I personally think that sex is important in a relationship.

[Payyourwaymate]

Sorry to hear OP. I don't have any concrete solid advice which would help, but try to leave as soon as possible. It seems like she used you to help raise the kids and provide. I wonder how you even fell for her in the first place but never mind, it's probably better if I don't know. Good luck.

[sparkus]

I was in a similar situation recently. No kids involved, I am older than the op but the age difference was similar. Wasn't married thank goodness.

I would avoid going to a solicitor, they will just eat up money and there is no legal aid so you have to pay the fees up front or regularly. I did go through a very expensive divorce years ago.

You are only young, you could claim some money from her on the basis that you have contributed to the mortgage but why don't you walk away and start again?  There are so many single women out there so don't worry about meeting someone else.

Good luck!

Ps - I personally think that sex is important in a relationship.

My ex used to lay naked in bed waiting for me to come home from work sometimes, but even having some nice soft brown 36Ds and a delicious black triangle to suck on wasn't enough to put up with one too many rows (especially on holiday) for.

[winkywanky]

 This:

Having quite recently been through this after nearly 30 years, there is good advice and poor advice above.

Going to a solicitor is the worst advice, if you can avoid that do so, it will not help keeping things civil.

Counselling is good advice but only if your mind is not made up, waste of time otherwise.

The thing I picked up on is the 10 year age gap, the wrong way round, that gap will feel bigger as you both get older.

If you take the bull by the horns, avoid insulting each other, it is possible to move on, stay friends and avoid solicitors, you just have to be honest with her.

I have a friend in a very longstanding, very unhappy marriage. From the outside it seems dead in pretty well every way. He doesn't even have the complication of kids at home (they have one son, around 30yrs old). Yet he cannot see that his situation is killing him bit by bit (and probably doing his missus no favours either). Ultimately there is another complication which I think scares him should he choose to leave, and without going into detail, I feel sure this worries him greatly, that it would hit his missus incredibly hard. I have tried unsuccessfully to get him to talk to me but he simply won't. I hope he realises I'm there for him should he wish to do so at some point.

But ultimately, people have a right to be happy, even if leaving the other person makes them unhappy. You're born alone, you die alone. If a relationship is that dead, put it out of its misery  .

OP, perhaps the complication you really have is the kids. Perhaps dependent on the age of the youngest (and perhaps with whether they're still in education) you might wish to bring things to a head in a year or two? But from what you say, I think you must. Not too late for you to make a fresh start, nor her.

Don't worry unduly about leaving your OH in the shit financially. It sounds to me like you brought money into the relationship so don't feel guilt over taking it out. Of course try to minimise it for both of you, and try to be fair. But don't let that guilt be the reason why you choose to stay in a bad situation. My two pen'orth.

[lillythesavage]

Sorry to jump in but I've been split with the wife for 18 months. Fairly amicable split and both want what's best for the kids etc. You say not to go to a solicitor. How did you do it if you don't mind me asking? I've looked online and it's a bit of a minefield with lots of conflicting advice.

Solicitors are expensive and just love a non amicable split, and will do their best to make it non amicable, there is no money it it for them otherwise, unless you know one very very well, and trust them then you are walking into big fees. They are in business to make money and business these days has no loyalty, it is money money money.

A short version of a long story, 3 siblings, left 7 million by a relative with no kids, 7 fucking million, and the solicitors have it all, turned them against one another, each told they deserved a bigger share by each solicitor, 2.5 million gone in fees and they have not seen a penny. Trust no one.

You can divorce without a solicitor if it is amicable, stay well away from them if you can, to put context, I have solicitors in the family, separated nearly 5 years now, there has been no need to divorce, she has her life, I have mine but we are still friends and have a joint bank account, I would do anything not to upset the apple cart and get solicitors involved, you will just be paying them money you could just give her to keep her happy. they will turn you against one another.

The world is a different place, business, any business is about money, no loyalty, no customer service, they cost money. CEO,s Directors and shareholders and money is all business is about apart from a few old school ones, and they are few and far between. Solicitors are no different. Ask Cherie Blair.

[lillythesavage]

Just re read the context, this makes more sense, her brother, a two faced snake who is lovely to my face, has been pushing her to divorce, claim this claim that, take the money and run, you will be better off bollocks, which neither of us would be, we have property that neither could afford to buy again, and too old for a mortgage, so we would have cash, that will buy little and get blown away.

Guess the trade of the Brother?

[lillythesavage]

This:


I have a friend in a very longstanding, very unhappy marriage. From the outside it seems dead in pretty well every way. He doesn't even have the complication of kids at home (they have one son, around 30yrs old). Yet he cannot see that his situation is killing him bit by bit (and probably doing his missus no favours either). Ultimately there is another complication which I think scares him should he choose to leave, and without going into detail, I feel sure this worries him greatly, that it would hit his missus incredibly hard. I have tried unsuccessfully to get him to talk to me but he simply won't. I hope he realises I'm there for him should he wish to do so at some point.

But ultimately, people have a right to be happy, even if leaving the other person makes them unhappy. You're born alone, you die alone. If a relationship is that dead, put it out of its misery  .

OP, perhaps the complication you really have is the kids. Perhaps dependent on the age of the youngest (and perhaps with whether they're still in education) you might wish to bring things to a head in a year or two? But from what you say, I think you must. Not too late for you to make a fresh start, nor her.

Don't worry unduly about leaving your OH in the shit financially. It sounds to me like you brought money into the relationship so don't feel guilt over taking it out. Of course try to minimise it for both of you, and try to be fair. But don't let that guilt be the reason why you choose to stay in a bad situation. My two pen'orth.

A lot of sense there, but you cannot help those who do not want to be helped, there simply is nothing worse than being in a miserable relationship and thankfully both my wives had the sense to take the bull by the horns, and I love them both for it. They have both remained part of my life, the first calls herself the black widow, of three husbands I am the only one still living. 

Another thing, kids, your own or not, are far better off not living with a stale relationship, they pick up on more than you think and it can affect their mental health too, my eldest has panic attacks every time me and his mum get together, at the funeral of her last husband, her mother who has dementia, took one look at me and said please tell me you are not back with X. 
 

[Gordon Bennett]

Oh, one thing to remember.... a huge asset that you have (and she will be entitled to a chunk of) is any pension you have built up. Your pot can be worth a 5/6 figure sum so be aware of it cos at some point she WILL be made aware of it.

[Moby Dick]

Oh, one thing to remember.... a huge asset that you have (and she will be entitled to a chunk of) is any pension you have built up. Your pot can be worth a 5/6 figure sum so be aware of it cos at some point she WILL be made aware of it.

Only if married.

[GingerNuts]

Only if married.

Or in a civil partnership.

[Gordon Bennett]

Or in a civil partnership.

I'd assumed OP was hitched. If he isn't I'd just be fucking off pronto. That said, I'm old-fashioned and out of touch in terms of "modern" relationships and have no idea what the legal/financial rules are for co-habiting adults splitting up.

[winkywanky]

Or in a civil partnership.

Yes, I was thinking this.

Is it not the case, that a couple who have lived as if married over several years (sharing a house, sharing finances etc) are treated the same as if they'd been married, should they decide to split?

[GingerNuts]

Yes, I was thinking this.

Is it not the case, that a couple who have lived as if married over several years (sharing a house, sharing finances etc) are treated the same as if they'd been married, should they decide to split?

I don't know about the general situation but pension sharing can only apply to married couples and those in civil partnerships, not to cohabiting couples.

[winkywanky]

I don't know about the general situation but pension sharing can only apply to married couples and those in civil partnerships, not to cohabiting couples.

And a civil partnership is one where both parties have 'signed on a dotted line', rather than simply classified as being in one by dint of time together? (Forgive my gnorance, never been married etc).

[Mr Sinister]

And a civil partnership is one where both parties have 'signed on a dotted line', rather than simply classified as being in one by dint of time together? (Forgive my gnorance, never been married etc).

External Link/Members Only

I read somewhere that if you have been cohabiting with someone over 10 years it is seen as a civil partnership you are entitled to certain things like % of the house if you have contributed to the mortgage and upkeep of the place. You can also officially register.

[winkywanky]

External Link/Members Only

I read somewhere that if you have been cohabiting with someone over 10 years it is seen as a civil partnership you are entitled to certain things like % of the house if you have contributed to the mortgage and upkeep of the place. You can also officially register.

This is what I was wondering.

[GingerNuts]

And a civil partnership is one where both parties have 'signed on a dotted line', rather than simply classified as being in one by dint of time together? (Forgive my gnorance, never been married etc).

A civil partnership is a legal relationship which can be registered by two people who aren't related to each other.

External Link/Members Only

I read somewhere that if you have been cohabiting with someone over 10 years it is seen as a civil partnership you are entitled to certain things like % of the house if you have contributed to the mortgage and upkeep of the place. You can also officially register.

You can only enter a civil partnership by registering, you can't be deemed to be in a civil partnership.

The finances of cohabiting partners who split up will have to be sorted out but pension sharing isn't something which comes into the equation.

[winkywanky]

 

[Moby Dick]

Yes, I was thinking this.

Is it not the case, that a couple who have lived as if married over several years (sharing a house, sharing finances etc) are treated the same as if they'd been married, should they decide to split?

Nope.
If you ain’t married/civil partnership then what’s yours is yours and what’s hers is hers.
Only joint bank accounts, loans, mortgages, tenancy agreements etc need to be shared.
That’s why I say pay off any debts/credit cards in your “sole” name and stash savings where she doesn’t have access. She may contest, especially if pensions are paid out of a joint account, but legally she has no right.

Being married has advantages should you die and wish to provide for your wife, inheritance laws/tax thresholds are established. A lot more complex if you are just living together/common law, requiring wills etc.

[Ali Katt]

How big is the problem of no sex? If it is the defining factor have you thought about a dirty weekend away? Doesn't have to be anywhere fancy just a weekend or even a day away. Phones on silent meal out or takeaway in. Just talk about life without the pram rats or work to distract you.

[Mr Sinister]

How big is the problem of no sex? If it is the defining factor have you thought about a dirty weekend away? Doesn't have to be anywhere fancy just a weekend or even a day away. Phones on silent meal out or takeaway in. Just talk about life without the pram rats or work to distract you.

Still no real context from OP regarding the situation but I think he should make his exit strategy now. Not his biological kids? Not married? Missus in her mid 40s while he is in his prime its only going to go downhill from here, especially once she hits 50s. He can continue to be content with the comfortable life he has but 5-10 years from now if nothing has changed or improved he'll be regretting all the time, money and energy lost which could have gone into a new happy life with sex.

This situation is a good example for men not to fall into.

[Ali Katt]

Still no real context from OP regarding the situation but I think he should make his exit strategy now. Not his biological kids? Not married? Missus in her mid 40s while he is in his prime its only going to go downhill from here, especially once she hits 50s. He can continue to be content with the comfortable life he has but 5-10 years from now if nothing has changed or improved he'll be regretting all the time, money and energy lost which could have gone into a new happy life with sex.

This situation is a good example for men not to fall into.

He loves her, he's said so. Also in 5 years you hope kids would have moved out so it will just be them. Maybe I'm seeing it ideally, but it sounds bent not broken.

[cotton]

Just re read the context, this makes more sense, her brother, a two faced snake who is lovely to my face, has been pushing her to divorce, claim this claim that, take the money and run, you will be better off bollocks, which neither of us would be, we have property that neither could afford to buy again, and too old for a mortgage, so we would have cash, that will buy little and get blown away.

Your situation sounds great given your age and circumstances but its wont suit everyone ,  What if like the OP you are younger and want the opportunity to meet someone new , start a family and make a new life for yourself , in that case having a joint bank account with your ex, giving her money to avoid getting solicitors involved and still living together as freinds because you cant afford to live anywhere separately , just isnt going to cut it.
In fact that sounds like the situation the OP is trying to get out of before its too late for him.
Id say talk to a solicitor and familiarise yourself with your legal entitlements , get your affairs in order and with that knowledge decide what to do.
The likelyhood is that when OP declares his intent to leave then shes just gonna say ok if you want to leave , leave , that leaves the OPs 12 year investment in the house and that needs expert advice unless anyone here knows what the legal situation is in that case 

[Doc Holliday]

Missus in her mid 40s while he is in his prime ...

Huge assumption there? 

Thankfully I have no personal experience here (and almost certainly never will) so cannot advise other than to say get good legal advice based on your individual circumstances, but, as others have said do not 'pursue' with a solicitor unless no other option.

Bear in mind 'companionship', if you have been accustomed to it as part of your life, becomes a hugely important factor to consider.. especially with age, although the OP is still young.

[jonnw16]

He loves her, he's said so. Also in 5 years you hope kids would have moved out so it will just be them. Maybe I'm seeing it ideally, but it sounds bent not broken.

I cannot see anywhere the OP stating he still loves his OH?

Also he states her kids "do his head in", so I'm not sure he would survive another 5 years?

Finally, sorry for being flippant, but this is what immediately came to mind when I saw the title of the thread, and before I had read the content: External Link/Members Only.

[Mr Sinister]

Huge assumption there? 

Not quite but mid 30s is when a man hits his prime, a woman hits hers much earlier. Reading between the lines sounds like OP is good financially, still young enough to put himself in a better place however made the mistake of selling his house.

Bear in mind 'companionship', if you have been accustomed to it as part of your life, becomes a hugely important factor to consider.. especially with age, although the OP is still young.

At his age he should not be settling for companionship, his OH doesn't want to give him sex anymore but is happy to take OP resources and for him to be the provider that just sounds like a bad deal. They're basically just roommates, this is a good opportunity for OP to start again, he probably is scared to leave because of being comfortable and having a scarce mentality.