getting away with it

[cueball]

Being a devious old hand at covering my tracks and setting up elaborate scenarios to throw her indoors off the scent I thought I'd share and pass a few under hand tips on...

You've got to find something that she finds really boring, annoying and tedious


My thing is snooker
The lie...
Me and 3 mates play once a week on a weekday evening.
The snooker club is 15 miles away as its central to us all and it has better tables.
I have to go clean and tidy as I can't play unshaven and scruffy.
I have my own snooker cue, it lives in full view on the lobby.
I leave my membership card under the clock on the fireplace for all to view

The reality...
I'm shit at snooker
I only go to the club once a year to pay my subs
There are no 3 mates
The next time my cue hits a ball will be its first


There are much more things you can do..
Join a classic car club (monthly or weekly meets, things on at the weekend)
Enjoy a hobby that involves mud, rain and sloppy footpaths (off road motorsport is ideal)
Join a model railway club (meets, events etc)
Join your current car owners club (meets, events etc)

Remember, the more boring the better. Always pay your subs, leave plenty of evidence of your terribly boring hobby that will have the Mrs and her pals laughing at you and she wouldn't be seen dead at them.

You'll get a free pass for weekdays and the occasional weekend escape, check the club's diary and you can tie a punt into their event.

Remember, you've no intention of doing any of this shit but you'd be surprised how a cool head and a straight face will get you through


Note..  I've tweaked a few of the facts as I don't want to blow my own cover, I'm not that daft

[smiths]

Being a devious old hand at covering my tracks and setting up elaborate scenarios to throw her indoors off the scent I thought I'd share and pass a few under hand tips on...

You've got to find something that she finds really boring, annoying and tedious


My thing is snooker
The lie...
Me and 3 mates play once a week on a weekday evening.
The snooker club is 15 miles away as its central to us all and it has better tables.
I have to go clean and tidy as I can't play unshaven and scruffy.
I have my own snooker cue, it lives in full view on the lobby.
I leave my membership card under the clock on the fireplace for all to view

The reality...
I'm shit at snooker
I only go to the club once a year to pay my subs
There are no 3 mates
The next time my cue hits a ball will be its first


There are much more things you can do..
Join a classic car club (monthly or weekly meets, things on at the weekend)
Enjoy a hobby that involves mud, rain and sloppy footpaths (off road motorsport is ideal)
Join a model railway club (meets, events etc)
Join your current car owners club (meets, events etc)

Remember, the more boring the better. Always pay your subs, leave plenty of evidence of your terribly boring hobby that will have the Mrs and her pals laughing at you and she wouldn't be seen dead at them.

You'll get a free pass for weekdays and the occasional weekend escape, check the club's diary and you can tie a punt into their event.

Remember, you've no intention of doing any of this shit but you'd be surprised how a cool head and a straight face will get you through


Note..  I've tweaked a few of the facts as I don't want to blow my own cover, I'm not that daft

Indeed, boring and believable to a partner, in experience this is essential. It has also helped me that I do play Golf, its just that I can swallow up hours of time as I may use a buggy but say I walked round. I also do have golfing buddies who aren't friends who would ever meet a partner, and I play on various courses and a partner wont know which one I am on even if she wanted to check up on me. When the weather is bad driving ranges can come into play.

The crucial thing about this is IF a punter has a partner who is on his back about his movements a lot, basically has him under the thumb it will no doubt make it much harder for him, I wouldn't put up with that level of monitoring myself.

[RedKettle]

even better if all the above but in addition it is expensive and you pay in cash!!  No unfortunately I cannot think of one that fits the bill.

[jackdaw]

Even better..I think...to have a real hobby that you're good at as cover.

I think claiming to be good at snooker or whatever is a potential hostage to fortune... wifey might meet somebody who also plays snooker for example...get talking... and it come out you're never around at the club you claim to frequent. All sorts of other ways that you can get caught out if you can't "walk the walk".

I have a couple of hobbies that give me excuses for long absences.... and I do spend a fair amout of time doing both. Just not as I much as I claim.

[DG]

Indeed, boring and believable to a partner, in experience this is essential. It has also helped me that I do play Golf, its just that I can swallow up hours of time as I may use a buggy but say I walked round. I also do have golfing buddies who aren't friends who would ever meet a partner, and I play on various courses and a partner wont know which one I am on even if she wanted to check up on me. When the weather is bad driving ranges can come into play.

Golf works for me very well. It gives you about 4 hours to be off the radar; even if she calls the 'no phones on the course' rule comes to your rescue. Driving range is also a godsend for me as there is only one road out of town and its passes her work. Fortunately the driving range is on the same road. She has zero interest in golf or the social side of it so never the twain shall meet.

My other favourite is I've been trailing round the DIY stores for doing up the house or garden. More often than not they don't have what I want in stock, but sometimes I'll buy any old shit cos she'll be none the wiser as to what's it's for.

[raylondoner]

Are you taking notes mummiesnet?   

[cueball]

Are you taking notes mummiesnet?   

Ha ha, erm, yeah, maybe we should kill this thread stone dead

[LL]

Ha ha, erm, yeah, maybe we should kill this thread stone dead

Right now up and down the country Mumsnetters are swapping out their husbands' snooker cues with broom handles, carefully zipping up the cases again after the switch is made. Their plan is to see how long it takes before their men notice.

I think you can do better than this as a cover story. Making up imaginary friends is asking for trouble. Think of a hobby that takes you to different locations, on your own.

[spkmstr48]

Work works for me lots of travel both UK and international, so I just plan my punts around that. Then if I want to see a specific girl on a specific day I can just invent something work related.

[spkmstr48]

Work works for me lots of travel both UK and international, so I just plan my punts around that. Then if I want to see a specific girl on a specific day I can just invent something work related.

And the expenses helps cover up the cash I use.

[threechilliman]

I have an 'activity' which can involve calling at random addresses within driving distance of home - been doing it for years. It would provide the instant reason for being anywhere in the NW and wouldn't be questioned. Strangely, I've never had to use it as cover

tcm

[webpunter]

CB - you should put this track on your music.  Great song by Electronic [if you like 80s stuff]   External Link/Members Only   Although the lyrics don't really apply.  You could play when having a summer barbie - although don't smile too much   

[webpunter]

I have an 'activity' which can involve calling at random addresses within driving distance of home - been doing it for years. It would provide the instant reason for being anywhere in the NW and wouldn't be questioned. Strangely, I've never had to use it as cover
tcm

I presume you don't mean being a Platinum Member of SS 

[cueball]

CB - you should put this track on your music.  Great song by Electronic [if you like 80s stuff]   External Link/Members Only   Although the lyrics don't really apply.  You could play when having a summer barbie - although don't smile too much   

Ha ha, my theme song.

[The_Don]

cue ball

Hence the name 

[webpunter]

Hence the name 

Can we call you "lightning" ?   

[cueball]

Can we call you "lightning" ?   

Ha ha, I'm not bright enough
bum bum

[webpunter]

Can we call you "lightning" ?   

Fuck me sideways - i've just read your reviews.  It's like an Aladdin's cave for WG info.  Pictures - the full monty.  Will have to read through as there must be some hotties i've missed.  "Respec"   

[webpunter]

Ha ha, I'm not bright enough
bum bum

I might have been referring to TD !

[cueball]

I might have been referring to TD !

I know

[webpunter]

I know

You snookered me !

[anonyorks]

Gym with no mobile signal and a hobby that involves going to a shop with no mobile signal.   

[kiltedviking]

My limited punting experience has always co-incided with social events away from home, where a trip to a parlour or a booking with an escort was pretty straightforward from a "getting away with it" point of view.  I have done one parlour trip closer to home, again after a drunken night out, and the parlour didn't even have a shower I could use.  Got away with that though, but vowed never to take that kind of risk again.

[webpunter]

and the parlour didn't even have a shower I could use.  Got away with that though, but vowed never to take that kind of risk again.

A mate of mine [categorically not me - thank fuck] had a massage + HJ.  What he didn't realize was that rather than lotion the girlie was using self-tanning cream [she must have run out - or maybe not ?].  Coz he was staying away that night for work he went to bed after a load of beer / curry previously.  Bet he was popular in the parlour.  When having a shower in the morning he noticed some areas a bit browner than others.  He had to have loads of baths and had to go to bed a bit later than usual for a few days by which time the OH was asleep.  Fortunately it was winter and he wore his pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt. The pyjama bottoms raised an eye-brow from the OH as he hadn't worn them for a year+.  He told me & two other mates when we were on the golf course when we were just about to tee off.  We literally collapsed with laughter and it took me 2 minutes to take my shot.  Which not surprisingly was shit

[pierrot]

Back in the day I used to go to the gym and then stay and watch the footy on sky sports as we didnt have it.

[LL]

A mate of mine [categorically not me - thank fuck] had a massage + HJ.  What he didn't realize was that rather than lotion the girlie was using self-tanning cream [she must have run out - or maybe not ?].  Coz he was staying away that night for work he went to bed after a load of beer / curry previously.  Bet he was popular in the parlour.  When having a shower in the morning he noticed some areas a bit browner than others.  He had to have loads of baths and had to go to bed a bit later than usual for a few days by which time the OH was asleep.  Fortunately it was winter and he wore his pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt. The pyjama bottoms raised an eye-brow from the OH as he hadn't worn them for a year+.  He told me & two other mates when we were on the golf course when we were just about to tee off.  We literally collapsed with laughter and it took me 2 minutes to take my shot.  Which not surprisingly was shit

That's a funny story! What the fuck was she thinking?  And what happens when she's out of both oil and self-tanning cream? - She breaks out the hair-removal cream!?

[bigmc]

Get called into work at relatively short notice ( dont get paid overtime,) so thats utilised book half days holiday and arrive home at normal time.
Nothing more boring than chatting about work

[threechilliman]

I presume you don't mean being a Platinum Member of SS 

No. It's a hobby that pays me and I enjoy and that women generally aren't interested in. It also pays for my punting!!

tcm

[LL]

No. It's a hobby that pays me and I enjoy and that women generally aren't interested in. It also pays for my punting!!

tcm

Photography.

[threechilliman]

Photography.

Nope! I won't be revealing it either as there aren't too many who do this. When I think about it, I smile as it's all cash transactions and involves incalls and outcalls, so to speak. And no, I'm not a rent boy!!

tcm

[LL]

Nope! I won't be revealing it either as there aren't too many who do this. When I think about it, I smile as it's all cash transactions and involves incalls and outcalls, so to speak. And no, I'm not a rent boy!!

tcm

Avon lady?

[cueball]

Nope! I won't be revealing it either as there aren't too many who do this. When I think about it, I smile as it's all cash transactions and involves incalls and outcalls, so to speak. And no, I'm not a rent boy!!

tcm

Don't worry pal, your secret is safe with me but what I will say, since you fixed my ingrowing big toe nails I'm walking a lot better now.

[KidCandyShop]

I punt just before I meet up with my mates for a night out so that way when OH asks what we got up to and where we went I don't have to lie or make any think up other than the time we actually met. My other time is when I'm out buying for the business and a couple of hours is easily lost. 

[barnstorm123]

A mate of mine [categorically not me - thank fuck] had a massage + HJ.  What he didn't realize was that rather than lotion the girlie was using self-tanning cream [she must have run out - or maybe not ?]. 

That happened to me as well! I went for the between rounds massage and thought the WG was just using lotion. I turned my head towards the table and clocked the bottle, some kind of moisturiser with tanning crap in it 

I don't have a wife or gf who I'm hiding this from but even so, I had to make stop right away. The damage was partly done by then and I had to live with a bit of a streaky back for a while.

The massage is probably the thing that will get most people caught. Oils, lotions and constant rubbing is going to leave evidence all of you. Probably best avoided if you have a partner.

[Thepacifist]

I don't have a Mrs but how about surfing? You can buy a wet suit and board  You can't use your phone in the ocean..

[Turtle Z]

I think that a good way to continue getting away with it is not to post your techniques for getting away with it on an open forum. 

[LL]

I think that a good way to continue getting away with it is not to post your techniques for getting away with it on an open forum. 

Well the OP did say that he'd changed some details to protect himself. Maybe it's not a snooker cue but a fishing rod and he goes on fishing trips with his imaginary friends

[Tom Bork]

"Going fishing" is a cracking excuse,
But just remember when you get in and the oh asks you "catch much?"
"I fucking hope not!!"  is not the acceptable answer!!

[raylondoner]

"Going fishing" is a cracking excuse,
But just remember when you get in and the oh asks you "catch much?"
"I fucking hope not!!"  is not the acceptable answer!!

Guess crab fishing is out then? 

[spkmstr48]

What about needing regular massages?

Too close to the truth?

[The_Don]

What about needing regular massages?

Too close to the truth?

 

[Randy James]

I normally punt on my days off midweek
but Id tell OH i have an extra shift im doing for extra money in manchester or Bury etc

i actually might do half a days work fro 3 hours around the area. then go 4 a punt after that.

[cueball]

Well the OP did say that he'd changed some details to protect himself.

Yes, I did, didn't I

It's an evolving lie is punting, I might be onto another hobby now, ofcourse it takes me out of the house and unfortunately her indoors thinks it's shite. I get tuts and eye rolls but it keeps me happy and quiet ha ha

[spkmstr48]

Something else that helps me "get away with it" is that the OH thinks I've gone off sex, too old or something like that (I'm not that old). Truth is I've just gone off sex with her. When we met (I'm older than her)  she was a fit twentysomething, but that was 15 years ago but I still want to fuck fit twentysomethings.

[Sir Lance-a-lot]

Jehovah's Witness.

"Yes dear, your friend did see me leaving Mistress Trixie's House of Pleasure, but she was in need of spiritual guidance.  I must go wherever God's mission requires, you know that.  I also had a prayer meeting with two of her girls, it was such an uplifting experience to see them both filled with the Holy Spirit".

[Gordon Bennett]

Reminds me of this old chestnut.... an oldie but a goodie:

Chap’s wife works weekends and he’s nipped out for his fortnightly Saturday punt whilst she’s doing her shift. Coming home he’s shocked to see her motor on the drive – she’s home from work hours too early!? Without breaking stride he veers off his path onto his front lawn, drops to his knees and scuffs about a bit before bouncing back up and marching up to his front door. As he’s putting his key in, the door flies open and his sour faced Mrs is stood there hands on hips. Where you been then? She bawls at him. He shuffles about and looks a bit shifty before blurting out he’s been shagging a gorgeous former gymnast all afternoon. The Mrs eyes him up and down disdainfully and notices his grass stained strides. She points at his knees and screams LIAR!!! You’ve snuck out and played golf again aint ya!!!!
OK, I’ll fetch me coat.......

On a more serious note my last (and to date only) punt was undertaken under the pretext of attending a financial planning seminar explaining investment opportunities arising from recent pension reforms. That seminar really did happen – I just went nowhere near it though.  I’d say that deffo ticks the dull and boring boxes!

[threechilliman]

Reminds me of this old chestnut.... an oldie but a goodie:

Chap’s wife works weekends and he’s nipped out for his fortnightly Saturday punt whilst she’s doing her shift. Coming home he’s shocked to see her motor on the drive – she’s home from work hours too early!? Without breaking stride he veers off his path onto his front lawn, drops to his knees and scuffs about a bit before bouncing back up and marching up to his front door. As he’s putting his key in, the door flies open and his sour faced Mrs is stood there hands on hips. Where you been then? She bawls at him. He shuffles about and looks a bit shifty before blurting out he’s been shagging a gorgeous former gymnast all afternoon. The Mrs eyes him up and down disdainfully and notices his grass stained strides. She points at his knees and screams LIAR!!! You’ve snuck out and played golf again aint ya!!!!
OK, I’ll fetch me coat.......

On a more serious note my last (and to date only) punt was undertaken under the pretext of attending a financial planning seminar explaining investment opportunities arising from recent pension reforms. That seminar really did happen – I just went nowhere near it though.  I’d say that deffo ticks the dull and boring boxes!

The only danger would be if she checked up.

I don't offer any kind of advance excuse - I just go about my business as normal and then disappear for an hour in what would be a 'grey' period of time ie nobody knows where I am because nobody was at A or B to check departure/arrival time. If there's any doubt as to where my Mrs might be, punt gets abandoned. And if I did ever have to explain, I'd refer to incall/outcall doing my 'activity' - see above for those who've just come in.

Game of cat and mouse!

tcm

[Banquo]

The golden rule for telling lies is "KEEP IT SIMPLE"

Elaborate lies unravel far easier than simple ones.

I don't need to worry these days, but back in the day, I used work travel as an excuse. I strenuously tried to keep work separate from home life - no interaction between the OH and colleagues. I wouldn't recommend introducing fake friends or hobbies into your lies - where are the photos, phonecalls or texts? I think my ex would have spotted a fair few of the lies on here - maybe she spotted mine and just didn't care that much, or didn't want to know the truth.

[smiths]

The golden rule for telling lies is "KEEP IT SIMPLE"

Elaborate lies unravel far easier than simple ones.

I don't need to worry these days, but back in the day, I used work travel as an excuse. I strenuously tried to keep work separate from home life - no interaction between the OH and colleagues. I wouldn't recommend introducing fake friends or hobbies into your lies - where are the photos, phonecalls or texts? I think my ex would have spotted a fair few of the lies on here - maybe she spotted mine and just didn't care that much, or didn't want to know the truth.

Simple and very importantly believable to your partner.

[webpunter]

Simple and very importantly believable to your partner.

+1   No elaborate story.  They'll know you are lying - or will catch you out later.  When you've had a few drinks & they go back to the previous events.  They will remember in great detail - as usually they have little else to do.  Apart from going on Mnet