I have raised something similar before, so apologies in advance if this feels familiar, and also apologies for the length of this post. But just wondering how you guys deal with the enthusiasm ebbing out of this hobby and the feelings of guilt, regret, and uncertainty that can manifest when you get to that place? I should say, if you don’t identify with this opening notion, perhaps don’t bother reading on. I say that more to save you some time reading what I sure to be my stream of consciousness waffle. I fully expect this to get no replies or a range of acidic criticism, but forgive me, may be somewhat cathartic writing it down (and may help someone feeling a similar way).
For me, I was always a fairly instinctive client. Wake up, feeling horny, log into AW, see four or five enticing escorts, book - and all done the same day. I used to love it and really got off on it. I remember one day seeing three escorts within 24 hours. But these days, that approach is almost non-existent. In general, when I’m in that mood, there are almost no escorts I am keen to see, in multiple areas of the UK I might be in mind to realistically travel to. That is certainly one factor. Instant availability and of course, price. It does create a natural dampener to my impulsive, past approach.
As such, any booking with a girl I want to see involves booking way in advance. Often, when I do this, I will end up cancelling, in good time as a rule to not mess the escort about, as there’s too much time for me to reconsider and battle against the horn. To find a reason to not justify it. It’s odd, as my money situation is fine, but I can easily talk myself out of the expenditure, even though I can afford it. The advance booking thing, I’ve plenty of time to masturbate and slowly ease the horny mood away. As I’ve said on previous threads, I get VERY horny, desperate for a booking - masturbate in the evening - post ejaculation be utterly convinced I don’t want to do the booking - often cancel at that point - then wake up the next day still horny - and regret that decision to cancel. Then, rinse and repeat. Masturbate. Absolute clarity I don’t want to do it. Horny again. Absolutely certain I do. On a few occasions, that has meant not being able to see the girl I fancied as I’ve cancelled, and I’ve ended up seeing someone at short notice that I’m less keen on and have an average time (like some recent encounters).
Beyond this and reflecting the point in my life, I am keen to actually meet someone in civvy life but despite a great deal of effort, it’s not happening. It’s really tough for me, for a variety of reasons. And escorts seems to be the safety rope I attach myself to. I find myself asking the question a lot “if I don’t book escorts, when am I going to have sex?” That often convinces me to continue with this hobby. But my mind is always torn. Then, there is an added element of confusion. Last year, on what is very rare, I did have a fling with someone closer my own age who I did really like. The sex was fine but not amazing. But of course, she was not a young, fit escort I could never get in real life. I therefore found myself craving an escort booking. It’s a bit of a mind fuck to be honest. In that situation, I craved the beauty of a younger woman and the bespoke excitement that comes with such an encounter. I know how shallow that sounds but just being honest. But when I book escorts, and in recent years, I find it quite transactional and I crave the real intimacy of a real partner. In essence, neither encounter seems to satisfy me. It seems the lines have become quite blurred in that respect.
I think in sobering, reflective moments - I feel like I want to give this hobby up. Focus 100% on trying to find a partner. Even if that means going without sex for a long period. Make a leap of faith without the safety rope of escorts for sexual encounters. But then horniness makes thing hazy. Quickly chips away at any resolve I have for that course of action. Then, horny things cause issues too. In the gym. The scantily clad women. The scantily clad and beautiful women in the pub or street, or on television or in porn. It ratchets up the horniness. Yes, I want to book an escort. Fuck trying to find someone. This is satisfaction for this horn now. But. I am not having sex with those women who are making me horny. I am doing something transactional. I recall one occasion where I booked having been turned on in this way, and was having sex with an escort who was fine, but I’m led there fantasising about the gorgeous girl I was checking out in the gym. I recall thinking, why didn’t I just wank and save £200? It would have been the same outcome.
And then, if I need to book in advance and I said in my opening comments, I spend a couple of weeks masturbating and after I don’t want to book anyone, but next day I do. And it goes on and on. And if I do go through with a booking, I invariably feel unfulfilled and regretful. It’s a cycle. I almost feel trapped by the restrictions in my private life, and the only outlet I seem to have to deal with sexual frustration. Being curt, it feels like the hobby has become something unhealthy.
So. For context. I am not depressed or anything like that, I don’t think. Maybe feel a little lost. But in general, I feel fine, if not quite lonely. I fully appreciate there may be some escort addiction at play here, but that was probably more prevalent in the past. Overall, I feel somewhat trapped in this cycle. In civvy life, the escort hobby seems to have warped my sense of realism with a real woman. In my client life, I find the escort thing less and less fulfilling. But for now, can’t seem to quite give it up, as if I do, I can’t see where sex will come from. But if I keep going with this hobby, I worry that if I am lucky enough to meet someone in real life, it may always sit there in the background. This itch, this knowledge that I could be having sex with women so far out of my league, we’re not even playing the same sport. And in those situations, the horn seems to take over, and I seem to forget how unfulfilling I find the whole escort thing. This is why I wonder whether it’s become something unhealthy. And I do wish and wonder, often, whether I should give it up completely.
Not sure quite what advice I am looking for here. But just wondering if anyone else goes through something similar? If you read this and thought ‘fuck, this could be me’. If so, how do you approach it? How do you keep the enthusiasm for this hobby? Or deal with the confusion and emotions it might create? How do you approach life, if you feel similar, and compartmentalise this hobby so that it doesn’t feel like it’s losing its appeal or feel like it’s impacting over areas of your life?
