what's the closest you have come to being caught by your spouse?

[PuntyMcPunter]

Got home the other day and my wife showed me a wall in our living room where she had put up some old framed pictures she had found on a dusty shelf in my office.
I nearly shit myself because it was behind one of those pictures where I was keeping my burner phone.  she could not have moved them from there without seeing this phone and it would have been hard to explain how an old iphone somehow found its way to this hiding spot.


she didn't mention the phone though, so after telling her how great they looked, I raced to my office and realised that, by pure chance, two days before (after I got back from a punt) I hadn't put my burner away properly and it was buried under some paperwork on my desk - thank fuck for that! and here's to having the messiest fucking desk possible that your wife doesn't want to go near it!

I have now realised that the phone needs to be kept in a place where, if it was discovered, there would be a perfectly good explanation for it - hiding ion plain sight almost!
so I have now stored it in my draw of 'tech junk' that contains various old cables, broken chargers, an old digital camera from 20 years ago, other bits of crap like that. My wife never goes near it, but even if she does, its totally reaonable that an old phone would be in there. I also always run the battery down too, so that if someone were to ever find it, it would seem like a dead phone

(I'm always careful to delete all call records, messages etc from there, and the pin to get in isn't the same as my real phone, so even if someone switched it, somehow figured out the pin, there would be no evidence of sehaningans)

[bristolnick]

I bet your life flashed before your eyes.

[webpunter]

This thread has legs 
& lots of laarfs &  along the way
I'll have a ponder

Life flashing ...
Feeling the blood draining out of you
The brain going a million miles an hour
The list goes on ...

[jgillis]

From a previous review of mine for Sexyyy Laura

Arriving at the location with 30 minutes to spare, I was milling about pondering how to kill the time. When something unexpected and undesired occurred – someone called out my name. Spinning around, it was a friend of my wife – the karma god was hard at work this day. Therein followed some awkward chatter with him about friends and weather and such. Me standing there with a Nokia 6210 in my hand and 100mg of Sildenafil coursing through my veins.

As to burner phone location, mine is in a box with dozens of other old phones.

[Backstreetboy]

So years ago I ran my regular up to the parlour where she worked. She had a long blonde hairpiece that she took off and put in the door pocket, and I didn't notice that she forgot to take it with her when she got out.

Some days later I drove al the way to Donny for a trip to London and put the car on the top foor of the car park after getting a high level shot. That became my get out!

The wife gets in the car the following week and of course discovers the offending item!

Quick as a flash I dream up a tale of forgetting to lock the car and there were kids playing around on the top deck - never thinking that something would be left in the car, when I got back I was just relieved it was still there and drove home - and what driver checks the passenger side pockets anyway?

Quite proud of that one!

[webpunter]

From a previous review of mine for Sexyyy Laura

As to burner phone location, mine is in a box with dozens of other old phones.

Hiding in plain said [edit predictive text: sight] the jumble of old mobiles
You would have got the square root of ... selling them on eBay etc & they are but the perfect cover 

Not on the same level pour moi
I had 10 mins to spare for a massage burd meet near High St Ken
I walk out the tube & bump into wifey's [she's long since ex] bestie friend
Its like hi bumping into you how nice to see you what are you doing in town ?
She;s checking me out she'll be 'oooh i saw .... blah blah' in no time
I replied a meeting which was true just in 2 hrs [which i then skip into tanks emptied]
Fortunately only my main phone in hand on 'maps'
Meaningless chatter also & i couldn't remember if my punting mobile was on [if so on silent but would buzz] or off
With a text WA like are you near ? 
There's a dilemma appear too 'short' in conversational bollox & on the other side eating into my 10 mins window
Thankfully my ex's bestie seemed satisfied with her questioning and was nice to meet must go see ya xx
Yeah off you fuck
Then there's the need to create a back story so i was on the front foot calling from the train home
'i bumped into so & so nice to meet her unexpectedly in town she seemed on form'
So the ex then focuses on why one of her mates is on form rather than what i've been doing  , wimin do get jealous oh dear
6 million people in London what are the chances of that meeting eh ? 
Forward thinking is the key & less is more

[RandomGuy99]

Hiding in plain said [edit predictive text: sight] the jumble of old mobiles
You would have got the square root of ... selling them on eBay etc & they are but the perfect cover 

Not on the same level pour moi
I had 10 mins to spare for a massage burd meet near High St Ken
I walk out the tube & bump into wifey's [she's long since ex] bestie friend
Its like hi bumping into you how nice to see you what are you doing in town ?
She;s checking me out she'll be 'oooh i saw .... blah blah' in no time
I replied a meeting which was true just in 2 hrs [which i then skip into tanks emptied]
Fortunately only my main phone in hand on 'maps'
Meaningless chatter also & i couldn't remember if my punting mobile was on [if so on silent but would buzz] or off
With a text WA like are you near ? 
There's a dilemma appear too 'short' in conversational bollox & on the other side eating into my 10 mins window
Thankfully my ex's bestie seemed satisfied with her questioning and was nice to meet must go see ya xx
Yeah off you fuck
Then there's the need to create a back story so i was on the front foot calling from the train home
'i bumped into so & so nice to meet her unexpectedly in town she seemed on form'
So the ex then focuses on why one of her mates is on form rather than what i've been doing  , wimin do get jealous oh dear
6 million people in London what are the chances of that meeting eh ? 
Forward thinking is the key & less is more

I thought you were going to say that you and the bestie got a room and fucked the afternoon away.

[Chazz]

I once came home from a punt. Fortunately I was busting for a piss, so nipped straight into the khazi. I caught my reflection in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in bright red lipstick!  If the wife had met me at the door, or I'd wandered into the living room as usual, I'd've been busted for sure. I now always carefully check in the driver's mirror if there's no mirror or it's too dark at the SP's.

[PuntyMcPunter]

I once came home from a punt. Fortunately I was busting for a piss, so nipped straight into the khazi. I caught my reflection in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in bright red lipstick!  If the wife had met me at the door, or I'd wandered into the living room as usual, I'd've been busted for sure. I now always carefully check in the driver's mirror if there's no mirror or it's too dark at the SP's.

Going for a punt whilst your wife is at home is brave!
I can imagine mine saying “you had a shower just before you left, why do you smell like you have just had another shower!”

[PuntyMcPunter]

From a previous review of mine for Sexyyy Laura

As to burner phone location, mine is in a box with dozens of other old phones.

Great story! In some respects lucky they saw you with 30ish to spare instead of just as the WG calls your burner.

I often think about what I would say if I saw someone I knew whilst waiting for a punt - that’s one reason I go for girls who stay at a particular local hotel. That hotel has a nice cafe in it as well as a public gym so if I happened to see someone I knew it would be totally reasonable to say “I’m meeting a friend for coffee here, he’s running late”

[MichaelDBW]

Similar story to a couple of others but bumped into my ex's mum shopping in Brighton very shortly after walking out of a punt, if the punt had finished 30 seconds later she'd have seen me walking out of the apartment block .. I was very foolish to punt close to home in a busy area, but I was in my mid 20's at the time and think I felt invincible.

[Chazz]

Just thought of another memorable punt that could've easily ended in disaster:

I was visiting an SP who was working from a luxury flat in the city centre. It was posh inside, but very small. The bedroom had a fitted kitchen running along one wall and the only other room was the toilet and shower. Anyway, it started off as a great punt - I'd just walked through the door and she was already snogging my face off and we were soon tearing off each other's clothes and throwing them about the place. After a short while, the SP was kneeling on the floor giving me a fantastic nosh. She suddenly stopped, took my cock out of her mouth and said, "can you smell burning?" We looked around the room to see her top smouldering on top of the ceramic hob where it had landed during our frantic undressing. She'd made herself some dinner earlier, and had forgotten to switch it off. Fortunately, she managed to grab it before it caught fire, but there was a large circular burn mark right in the middle of it. She didn't seem too bothered, shrugged and carried on with the job in hand, or rather mouth. It was only on the way home that I thought what would've happened if it was my T-shirt that had landed on the hob? It was summer and I had no other jacket or jumper with me, and it was late evening so all the shops were shut so I couldn't have bought another one. How the fuck would I have explained that when I got home? 

[Monaco]

Surely everyone has a spare/old phone just explain it away like that.

[ik8133]

Last year I had an SB who I saw in her own place about 30 miles from where I live.  After one visit just outside of her town, I came upon an accident with a car on it's roof, and the occupants climbing out of it.  Luckily no one one hurt, but the car who'd stopped in front of me said that they had just narrowly missed him.  If I'd been a minute or two earlier, I might have been involved in an accident in a town I had no reason to visit!     

[mikef2008]

Years ago now i was driving in London with the Mrs and we stopped at a zebra crossing to let an attractive young woman cross and as the woman turned to thank me, I realised it was the young escort at the Bunny Lounge whose face I had spunked across just a couple of days previously. I was surprised and unfortunately let out, "oh my God!" - my wife said, "who's she? do you recognise her?" - I babbled some excuse about the girl looking like someone at work.... I'm sure i blushed but thank God nothing more was made of it

[MichaelDBW]

Just thought of another memorable punt that could've easily ended in disaster:

I was visiting an SP who was working from a luxury flat in the city centre. It was posh inside, but very small. The bedroom had a fitted kitchen running along one wall and the only other room was the toilet and shower. Anyway, it started off as a great punt - I'd just walked through the door and she was already snogging my face off and we were soon tearing off each other's clothes and throwing them about the place. After a short while, the SP was kneeling on the floor giving me a fantastic nosh. She suddenly stopped, took my cock out of her mouth and said, "can you smell burning?" We looked around the room to see her top smouldering on top of the ceramic hob where it had landed during our frantic undressing. She'd made herself some dinner earlier, and had forgotten to switch it off. Fortunately, she managed to grab it before it caught fire, but there was a large circular burn mark right in the middle of it. She didn't seem too bothered, shrugged and carried on with the job in hand, or rather mouth. It was only on the way home that I thought what would've happened if it was my T-shirt that had landed on the hob? It was summer and I had no other jacket or jumper with me, and it was late evening so all the shops were shut so I couldn't have bought another one. How the fuck would I have explained that when I got home? 

This one is great .. I think if that happened to me I'd be heading out to punts with a spare t-shirt in my bag forevermore afterwards!

[Bum Lovin Criminal]

Once while surfing the "purple Site" and writing a review on UKP, the door bell rang and without thinking got up to open and "Boom!"

face to face wid da ex-missus and her gabby bestie.  Luckily, they went straight into the kitchen for nibbles then into the lounge for a Looong chat, felt like hours.

TF the PC had gone into sleep mode but if any of them touched it I would have been totally busted ..

PS.  Guys shouldn't discuss "burner Phone" hiding places in the open like that....The not allowed posse and others have eyes and ears all over this site...(Probably)..

[dubs]

I had got back from a punt which included a bit of BDSM.  In the evening I was laying on the sofa in shorts with my legs over my wife's lap,  and when I looked down I noticed a red lump about one inch from where her hands were.  Shit! it was candle wax stuck in my leg hair!  How would I explain that???

I managed to nip to the loo to get rid of the offending item.

[Massage Bloke]

From a previous review of mine for Sexyyy Laura

As to burner phone location, mine is in a box with dozens of other old phones.

That's the best way.  Build a reputation for hoarding a load of old tech in a box or drawer. Amongst the old phones, chargers, head phones, etc...your burner phone can be hiding in plain sight.

[Upsndowns79]

Way too close but only when my behaviour has been reckless so hopefully a lesson learned.

I did recently walk out of a restaurant with my wife only to hear a very familiar voice across the road. I knew immediately but looked up to check and saw a girl I’ve seen regularly for about a year with her friend. Absolutely shit myself and walked away……… my Mrs noticed/felt something and asked what was wrong.

The SP then went into the restaurant we’d just left. It was only a very small place so would have been very awkward.

[shagmore]

I have a couple.

This one was about 10 years ago, I was involved in an accident on the way to a punt, car was a total right-off. Fortunately the punt was in the same direction to where my parent lived, so I was able to give the excuse that I was going over to see them

There is another one, but not going to say incase some how someone reads the post that shouldn't, it is far too obvious it is me.
The air was rather frosty when I got in, but pledged my innocence and got away with it

 

[Tony Blair]

I got caught.  Not a great day

[Upsndowns79]

I got caught.  Not a great day

How?

Like Shagmore says I was very close on a couple of occasions but I can’t go into details as it would be too much of a risk.

[webpunter]

I thought you were going to say that you and the bestie got a room and fucked the afternoon away.

 
Pretty fit back then but she had more permafrost than a grumpy ruskie SP
Very risky business making even the faintest approach to the OHs bestie no matter how fit they are
Like accidentally swallowing some scrabble pieces & when having a shit it would spell disaster

[Heph]

Mrs Heph was, per usual, working from home, from where she indirectly supports my hobby and scarcely leaves her desk unless to head to the outskirts or out-of-town altogether. The current Mistress/SB was in central London for an appointment ending at 12:30pm- I'd arranged to take her out to lunch afterwards.

Being a few minutes early, I cast around for a good waiting spot at which to meet her that warm autumn afternoon, eying a favourable-looking spot, in plain sight across a junction from the mistresses' appointment. I was on the point of stepping across the threshold, but elected not to when I noticed that it bore the same name as Mrs Heph and I thought that that might be bad juju. Instead I strolled 15 yards across the street and plonked myself at a café's outside table and waited for the Mistress. She emerged, her condition making her already striking appearance even more conspicuous and she could only walk slowly and with great care. We had an agreeably leisurely snack and people-watched outside together, afterwards slowly limping around the block to stretch her legs, before looping back on ourselves to the café to hail a taxi to the station.

I phoned home to ask the spouse how her day had gone. "Oh! lovely!", said she, "A client rang up on the off-chance to take me out to lunch.". Genuinely pleased for her, I asked where. "I've never been before: it's called [her namesake] in [exactly across from where I'd been in full view of the street with my can't-miss-her-mistress]". "We popped in about a quarter to One and stayed for, oooh, must've been 90minutes before I got a cab back - what a treat!.". Reader, my heart froze, and has not entirely yet thawed out.

[jaj909]

I put LineageOS on an old Xioami burner phone and it boots into a dummy profile when switched on. Both burner and dummy profiles require passcodes to access too. Hiding my sex toys is another challenge, however.

[Chazz]

Hiding my sex toys is another challenge, however.

If it's a butt plug, then there's a rather obvious solution. 

[jaj909]

If it's a butt plug, then there's a rather obvious solution. 

made me think a novel phone design 🤔

[Chazz]

made me think a novel phone design 🤔

Might be a bit dangerous if it rings while you're driving. 

[starman]

Me retrieving my phone from it's hiding place:


Hidden Image/Members Only

[randyrobert]

I once came home from a punt. Fortunately I was busting for a piss, so nipped straight into the khazi. I caught my reflection in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in bright red lipstick!  If the wife had met me at the door, or I'd wandered into the living room as usual, I'd've been busted for sure. I now always carefully check in the driver's mirror if there's no mirror or it's too dark at the SP's.

This reminds me that ages ago I was on holiday with (now) ex-wife in Strasbourg-she went off to see a friend and I found a porno cinema. Then I noticed a woman going around the cinema plonking herself next to each of the male customers staying for a bit and then moving on. Eventually she got to me and a passionate snog ensued and she suggeted we go a back room for a "faire le pipe" that is a blow job for a fee. Which we duly did...I moved seats to the front row and continued to watch the film. The woman then returned to give me another blowey in the front row-the cinema was not empty-so anyone there could have seen what was going on -she then wrote down her phone number-which I later threw away.

I met my ex after and she remarked that I had very red lips-I brushed it off saying I had just had a can of blackcurrent cola....then back at the hotel nipped into the bathroom to give my cock a good wash,,.dodged a bullet there

[fredhiggins]

From a previous review of mine for Sexyyy Laura

As to burner phone location, mine is in a box with dozens of other old phones.

Wise

[Keema]

Back when street prostitution was more common, I got spotted by my wife as she headed home on the bus after her night class - I was only making my way back from the RLD.

She really wasn't that aware of the geography of where business took place and I just said I was having a wander on my way for the next bus, but that was a close one.

[myothernameis]

I'm not married, so dont need to worry about my wife that I dont have, but

Waiting for escort to show up at my parents house at the time, and escort had been before, and door not locked

She know my bedroom is upstairs, where I was naked and and ready, for her, me lying on the bed, playing with myself

The bedroom door slowly opens up, and its not the escort, but rather my sister, erection killed right away, just lucky I never came

Lucky the escort didn't turn up, due to health issues, but the talk with my sister was very awkward

[Keema]

I can also add another where if I had been tempted I would have been spotted by my mother.

We were in a hotel lobby in South America waiting to meet some friends. I sat just away from my mother just so I could get some space while she chatted to another guest. A local prossie then propositioned me and suggested we head up to my room.

[Hornydevil666]

One Christmas the wife had a girls day out in Glasgow city centre, about 8 of her friends going for a drink lunch etc.
I though im at a loose end, sent off a couple of enquiries on AW and got a booking, said SP gave me her postcode and booking time etc in the city centre.
So on route i messaged the wife to find out exactly where she was, what pub it was just in case,  to my horror in all the pubs in all the streets in Glasgow, it was basically round the corner  from the SP airbnb, there's me fucking a hottie knowing my wife is 80yrds away just around the corner.

[PuntyMcPunter]

I'm not married, so dont need to worry about my wife that I dont have, but

Waiting for escort to show up at my parents house at the time, and escort had been before, and door not locked

She know my bedroom is upstairs, where I was naked and and ready, for her, me lying on the bed, playing with myself

The bedroom door slowly opens up, and its not the escort, but rather my sister, erection killed right away, just lucky I never came

Lucky the escort didn't turn up, due to health issues, but the talk with my sister was very awkward

wait... you booked an outcall to your parents house, and waited upstairs in the bedroom for the WG and left the door fully unlocked so she could walk in.
that sounds absolutely mental. Practically asking to get robbed.

[webpunter]

One Christmas the wife had a girls day out in Glasgow city centre, about 8 of her friends going for a drink lunch etc.
I though im at a loose end, sent off a couple of enquiries on AW and got a booking, said SP gave me her postcode and booking time etc in the city centre.
So on route i messaged the wife to find out exactly where she was, what pub it was just in case,  to my horror in all the pubs in all the streets in Glasgow, it was basically round the corner  from the SP airbnb, there's me fucking a hottie knowing my wife is 80yrds away just around the corner.

Quality behaviour 
An element of thrill ?

[webpunter]

wait... you booked an outcall to your parents house, and waited upstairs in the bedroom for the WG and left the door fully unlocked so she could walk in.
that sounds absolutely mental. Practically asking to get robbed.

You can't make it up 
It does seem a bit far fetched tho for some stupidity knows no bounds
A bit weird mentioning his sister 
Anyways in a caring sharing UKP world we hope he manages to get things back on track
Parents, sister & punting
It could have been a traumatic experience & it appears to have put him off our fave sport in some respects
Given gross stupidity in evidence probably for the best

[shagmore]

wait... you booked an outcall to your parents house, and waited upstairs in the bedroom for the WG and left the door fully unlocked so she could walk in.
that sounds absolutely mental. Practically asking to get robbed.

Disagree on that, I have my own place, l leave the door unlocked for my regular to come in, lock door behind herself and come up to my bedroom.  Nothing nicer than having a hottie walk into your bedroom as you wait expectantly.
If you know the wg well then no issue.

[Captainhowdy666]

I’m colour blind so never noticed red lipstick on my moustache once, missus said “what’s that”
Strawberry lipsil , my lips are really dry

[shagmore]

Another one I have just remembered
Happened about 2 months ago, was going for a massage, where I know you will get very good service. Was about 2m away from the entrance when I saw a mate from the pub walking towards me, he was with his daughter who my missis teaches. Carried on walking straight towards him, had a few words - said I was just heading back to my car - fortunately the direction I was heading in there was a small car park.
Literally 5 seconds later, he would have seen me walk into the place
Saying that, I now have that one covered by telling the misses that I took her recommendation and had a massage for my bad shoulder and occasionally say I have been when I am complaining of aches and pains. All above board, put it on card so its clearly visible - the add ons are not 

[Maak]

Forgot to delete enquiry messages from my phone

Received unsolicited messages that they were working on Saturday morning whilst sleeping next to my live-in girlfriend at the time

[90125]

A couple to add 

I took out into London a well reviewed massage provider for her birthday picking her up and driving into London. We went to a show, dinner after then an overnight. Forgot to pay the congestion charge but remembered a couple of days later and managed to pay over the phone before a fine was progressed and sent by post. Would have been very hard to explain why my car was in London that day as I was meant to be miles away on a business trip.

2nd was the same SP. She left a small overnight bag in my car which had fallen into the rear footwell and she forgot to take it when I dropped her home in the morning. The bag had a change of knickers and condoms in it. I spotted the bag a couple of days later as I was about to leave from work to pick up my daughter and her mate from Uni to come home for the weekend. Again would have been very difficult to explain why it was there if discovered.

Both near misses around 10 years ago. Risk free now as retired from the hobby.

[webpunter]

Both near misses around 10 years ago. Risk free now as retired from the hobby.

Respec two close shaves dealt with, phew ...
Kids can be very observant 

Without wanting to teach you how to suck eggs assuming that you are risk free retired & err on here [a tad involved to say the least  ] is me thinks a sort of oxymoron
Not having done any reviews as a defence .... lets see how far that gets you with Mrs90125 if she ever finds out !

[wildwildlife]

I wonder if she'll let 9012live if she does!  Or will he be an owner of a lonely heart. 

I'll stop now.

[RedKettle]

This was so many years ago - but despite it being ancient history I still shudder and break out in a cold sweat thinking about it.

I was heading off for a punt with a target WG and a back up.  For some reason I thought it was a good idea to print both AW profiles to take with me to reference as trying to sort out the day.  However in the rush of getting sorted and out of the house I forgot to pick them up from the printer.  It did not occur to me until much later, by which time my wife was not only home but working in the study sat next to the printer.

I stayed cool (well sort off) and went in and did all the usual "hi darling, good day" stuff and slipped over to the printer and retrieved the profiles.

I did tell the story on here at the time and the consensus was (well apart from that I was a total dickhead) that she had seen them and was going to pick her moment for maximum harm to me.  I know they say revenge is a dish best eaten cold but that must have been over 10 years ago so I think I am in the clear!!

[A Decent Fist]

My ex-wife has a very acute sense of smell and on at least three occasions she could smell perfume on my shirts in the washing basket and challenged me about it. The first time I said some of the office girls had been playing around spraying free perfume samples. The second and third times I just played ignorant. She knew I was lying but I wouldn’t budge and said she was too suspicious. With good reason, obviously. I had not noticed any smell while with the working girls despite being wary after the first close call.

Only one dodgy moment with my current partner. My punting phone hides in plain sight as a little “spare” in case I forget my main phone. So it has her number in it. And once, I know not how, I sent a text meant for a WG to my other half. What saved me was that I signed off with my punting name. When she replied on the burner phone I ignored it and switched it off. When she replied on my main phone I said I hadn’t messaged at all.

“That’s very odd,” I said when she showed me the message later. It was never mentioned again.

[Bum Lovin Criminal]

 The second and third times I just played ignorant. She knew I was lying

“That’s very odd,” I said when she showed me the message later. It was never mentioned again.

C'mon Bro!  She knows, and you KNOW she knows.  She, is playing the Long Game,.....and You, are a Dead Man Walking..

[A Decent Fist]

C'mon Bro!  She knows, and you KNOW she knows.  She, is playing the Long Game,.....and You, are a Dead Man Walking..

Probably, but it was seven years ago. And unlike my ex she is not the suspicious kind.