External Link/Members OnlyWas in the area recently with some time to kill and thought about trying to get a last minute FS visit, but then thought "You know what, I've never visited a massage parlour. Now might be a good time"
Brief interlude - not part of review - skip if you wantI've had a few legit massages over the years, and I have tried to get a less legit one on two occasions (both in pre-UKP days). Once was in London at a place that looked suitably seedy, but no, it was very much a straight massage and I wasn't offered, nor dare ask for, anything more. The other was in Egypt, many years ago when things were less Islamically fundamentalist in nature. I was staying in a hotel with some other guys on a work thing, and one mentioned that there was a massage place in the basement. A couple of us decided to head down and take a look. There was only one masseuse working, so the other guy went in first. He came out smiling, and was followed out by this gorgeous girl in hotel uniform who said goodbye to him. Things were looking up, except that the reason the girl had come out of the massage room was because there was a shift change. She told me to go inside the room, and there was her replacement, an equally gorgeous... bloke. Not my type unfortunately. And he made it
very clear that extras were available, which I really wasn't interested in. What followed was rather excruciating as I lay there whilst he stroked away "You seem very tense sir" Hmm yes I wonder why... I didn't stay for the allotted time, mumbled something about a dinner appointment and legged it.
Back to the reviewAnyway went to to UKP and saw that this place has had some good reviews recently so decided to give it a go. At least here I knew there was a high probability I would get the sort of massage I wanted, and with a woman rather than some Egyptian bloke. I was actually more nervous than I am before a punt, perhaps because it's sort of obvious to everyone on the street what you're doing (as others have mentioned it's fairly visible, and there was even a police car parked just round the corner which was a nice touch for my anxiety), and partly because I wasn't sure exactly what the drill was. Would I get asked what type of massage I wanted? There seemed a bewildering variety of options on the website. Was one of them code for 'extras'? I didn't want to end up with some weird alternative therapy. How exactly did one ask for extras? Presumably one should wait for the lady to offer them? Would I get offered a menu? I actually walked round the block three times before diving in.
Walking in the nice older lady who runs the place gave me a smile full of twinkles and promise, looked me up and down, and said "How long darling?" So no difficulty there. I opted for an hour, £45 (this place seems to have a random number generator with respect to the discounts offered, as I think the full price is £50 but others have paid less). She led me through to the room, cramped but big enough for a shower, and nice and clean. Vaguely eastern sounding music played on a loop. I started taking my kit off, girl comes in, I mumble "Going to have a shower". She says sure no problem and exits, then re-enters just as I am coming out damp and naked (if this had been a farce would have been perfect comic timing).
Anyway, the girl. Grace is her name. Ethnically Chinese maybe about thirty, not skinny, nice curvy behind and reasonable breasts. To be honest, probably not the sort of girl I would punt. But pretty, smiley and with enough English to communicate the basics. Wearing a skirt and cardigan (sexier than it sounds), under which I found out subsequently was no underwear.
We're now properly introduced, and I end up on the bed face down with the towel wrapped round my middle section. She whips it off, and then for forms sake lays it over the tops of my legs, leaving my bare behind uncovered. A very nice massage follows. I start with my hands sort of hanging on to the front of the bed, and when she leans against it my fingers may have gently reached and touched her legs. After this has happened a couple of times she says 'relax honey' and puts my arms over the side of the mattress. Have I blotted my copybook? Have I not read the room?
It's okay though, after a while her hands are also gently reaching and touching in places that they shouldn't. I sort of make appreciative noises when this happens (I'm still unsure how many hints I need to drop); then she kind of spreads my legs apart to make access easier. But I still wasn't sure if the penny was dropping. One concern was that I didn't have an erection, and I wasn't sure if that was necessary to indicate my preferences. Because it was a spur of the moment thing I hadn't popped a pill, and because of my nerves and what not, there was nothing doing. I could also hear conversation between the receptionist and other customers which was slightly off putting.
Anyway after what seemed like eternity but was actually about ten minutes she came up and said "Any extras darling?". I tried to play it cool like I had been asked this question a hundred times before "What extras do you have?" On offer was £60 for BTB and HE (which seems to be the going rate and I'm not an argue over a tenner kind of guy given I normally spend a few hundred on a punt it seemed churlish), that sounded fine; although I did ask "Can I touch you". She replied in the affirmative and got her kit off. Well to cut a long story short about ten minutes later she was massaging my now upstanding member whilst I was sucking her nipples and stroking her incredibly wet pussy (fingers not quite inside but on the edge); at one point she had to get a towel to stop herself dripping on the floor. I didn't attempt kissing or RO so I don't know if they were available.
I did however find it hard to finish. Partly because I came close quite early and had to ask her to stop. And on reflection I've always had trouble coming from HJ. In end I finished myself off. She cleaned me up and had a very quick shower (which you could object to as a time waster, but the poor girl was going to end up slipping over in her own juices otherwise. There was a clear health and safety risk). She got dressed, and as there was still plenty of time she gave me a very nice head massage. With five minutes to go I asked if we could call it a day. She did say we could keep going and then I could have a shower (clearly thought I was assuming the shower time was part of the allotted hour rather than happening afterwards) which was very sweet but I had an appointment to get to. A real one this time.
She waited outside and said goodbye which was a nice touch.
So yes a positive, but I didn't find the experience particularly enjoyable. Ticked off the bucket list but no need to repeat.
