My Situation and What I am looking for with a woman

[anonguy]

In recent times I have been thinking hard to evaluate what I want in terms of relationships. I want to make it clear from the start that I am NOT rejecting a full, committed relationship or even marriage, if the right opportunity arises and I do NOT want to be seen as a wannabe playboy.

My Background: I am a 43 year old man diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. I’ve only had one short term girlfriend around 10 years ago (initiated by her). It never got particularly serious or intimate. In the years prior and since, I have been to countless singles events, been out socially, salsa dancing, playing guitar, even had some coaching, had a few dates, but despite getting out and making an effort to put my best self out there, and even being able to approach women in the right circumstances, I struggle to get dates and rarely get past the first date.

Reasons? Whilst I have had a good social life at times, I have not always had the social infrastructure to meet new women

I struggle with understanding and responding to non-verbal communication and building a connection. I struggle with small talk and banter, its not natural to me. I find trying to connect over text or facebook messaging hard work and any exchanges normally dry up fairly soon.

Do I Really Want Relationships? There have been times when I have been desperately search for a girlfriend to settle down with, especially after turning 40, and other times when I’ve been focused on other things. Whilst I am open to a relationship, I recognise I don’t need it. I am not generally bored or lonely, I am happy spending lots of time by myself and have plenty of friends for company. I am aware of the difficulties and drama that comes in a relationship, though I have not experienced it myself.

What am I looking for now? The one thing I am lacking in life is physical intimacy with a woman I am attracted to, and this is something I want to change. This is the primary reason for wanting a girlfriend.

To be clear, I’m not looking for full sexual activity or intense passion. I’m looking for something sensual, affectionate, and mutually respectful — a kind of physical companionship where we feel safe and comfortable just being close, both indoors and outdoors in warmer weather.  So I am wondering, how feasible it would be to find someone, of a similar age who would be willing to meet up at least occasionally to engage in this type of contact, without following the dating-script. Obviously we would both need to be comfortable with each other and there are nuances and boundaries to discuss. And if this kind of thing lead itself to a full long term relationship then that’s great but I’m really looking for recreational intimacy, that has the potential to become sexual but with no pressure either way.

I am wondering whether a woman of a similar age, who is happily single, or in an open relationship might be a good fit for this?

[RandomGuy99]

I think there are a lot of people in your position as the number of single person households has increased significantly over the last two decades.

I think you are thinking along the correct lines, but a cuddling style relationship will probably progress to sex at some point.

Being able to talk to the person is probably going to be important.

Have you watched the TV show Love On The Spectrum where male and female people on the spectrum get together for dates?

It was on Netflix External Link/Members Only External Link/Members Only

Would you prefer a relationship with a neuro-typical person or a ND person or do you have no preference?

I get the small talk thing as it can be hard having conversations with strangers.

I once had a conversation with an SP about why I see SPs. She told me I was handsome and young and she couldn't understand why I paid to have sex with SPs. Firstly I suggested that she might need a visit to Specsavers for an eye test and then I explained that it was just more convenient for me when I got the urge to have sex.

[Munter84]

That was a long OP post and without addressing every last point, I think you should be aware that plenty of your reservations about love and dating are a universal male experience - it's tough for all of us, even the more neurotypical. We're not all swaggering, Alpha Male adonises with the gift of the gab. That's not to diminish what you might see as your own unique or especial challenges, but a) take heart that we're all in this shit show together and b) don't unneccessarily "other" yourself.

Having said all that, I would be surprised if there wasn't some kind of specialist neurodiverse dating site or app these days, if you were more comfortable engaging with ladies who might have some shared experiences as you? Ultimately though I think the answer is just to meet people and expose yourself to experiences. You'll learn about women, and more importantly, about yourself.

[southcoastpunter]

You'll learn about women,

ha - no he won't, even if he lives to be 100! remember men are from Mars and women are from .... a different galaxy altogther, far far away!!

sorry Op - not trying to ridicule / devalue your post but as the previous posters said - most of us struggle to some extent with women. I know your struggles may be bigger or more difficult to overcome etc but i think the message is  - you are not alone. And many of us struggle to understand women!

[PilotMan]

ha - no he won't, even if he lives to be 100! remember men are from Mars and women are from .... a different galaxy altogther, far far away!!

sorry Op - not trying to ridicule / devalue your post but as the previous posters said - most of us struggle to some extent with women. I know your struggles may be bigger or more difficult to overcome etc but i think the message is  - you are not alone. And many of us struggle to understand women!

Exactly, there's no point in trying to understand women.

The best thing a man can do in my experience, is to be the very best version of yourself, I mean actually put some effort in to it. You be the attraction, you be the magnet.

By the way @anonguy, the more you tell yourself you can / can't do something or struggle with something, you will reinforce that behaviour.

[The0neAnd0nly]

I am wondering whether a woman of a similar age, who is happily single, or in an open relationship might be a good fit for this?

Possibly

[Watts.E.Dunn]

It would be very interesting to hear what the ladies on here might have to say about this situation and aspect?.

I suspect that there are women around who would like a decent relationship that didnt involve conventional "chatting up" etc.

As others have said rlationships are sometimes difficult and most all are on here cos we don't get enough of the other.

It seems to me anonguy that part of your problem might be just finding the right women to start with, have you any activities that you can do that are in situations that may attract women that are possible matches prolly easier said than done i know! Tho you do say that there are female friends around and sometimes friends move onto other things.

Anyways best of luck, and sometimes that lady luck can be a very varied variable!...