External Link/Members OnlyNormally when i post a review on here, even if its a bad punt, i try to find the silver lining and make it a bit witty.
Well, todays review will not be doing that.
I went to see 'Slutty English Milf' on friday night and as the first individual to leave her a review, i can confirm that she is neither "slutty" nor a "milf".
She is indeed English, to which she thinks makes her better than others, but we'll come back to that later on. She tells me that she hails from a town that is famous for its university and from the way she speaks about others, she seems to think that this makes her superior to others.
So i had a Plan A and a Plan B for friday night, but they both fell through. That was my cue from the punting gods to call it a night, but like most of us, i never listened or took the hint. Instead i carried on ploughing through potential suitors until i came across Slutty English Milf's profile.
At the time, i liked what i saw and thought I'd take the chance with a 15min/£80 meet. So i went ahead and messaged her and within a minute or two i received a reply saying she 'doesn't do 15mins, only 30mins and longer' which would cost me £90. I thought fuck it and booked myself in for a late night session.
Comms was all done via text and I'm now on route to the meet which from the postcode supplied is located in a gated community of flats in Winchmore Hill/Southgate area with a well known supermarket just a stones throw away.
With the code for the gate supplied, i entered and parked up right outside the entrance to the building and took the lift to her apartment.
Now...this is where the things rapidly go downhill.
In the 5 to 10secs it took for her to open the door...me to walk through it and say hello...I SHOULD HAVE WALKED. As a matter of fact fairplay to you lads who actually walk when what's presented to you isn't even remotely close to whats been displayed on the profile 👏👏
Anyway, i didn't walk, i handed over my money and was sat on the bed while she went away and hid it. I was hoping, praying, that when she walked back through the door she looked slightly better second time round...she never did.
She looks like Matt Lucas from Little Britain with terrible blonde hair extensions, speaks like Kirstie Allsopp from 'Location Location, Location', is about a size 18 to 20, squeezing herself into a corset and her arse is flatter than the Netherlands and absolutely shapeless.
She sets her iphone down on a small table underneath the TV but the light stays on and doesn't switch off.
She begins to ramble on about how she works in consultancy but gave it up to come back and do this as she can earn £1000 in 3 days and the money simply doesn't compare. She then goes off on a rant about a "smelly Turkish man" who came to see her earlier on and she asked him to leave because of his natural body odour was a bit musty, even though he had offered to pay her more.
She then somehow starts ranting about people coming over here on boats and how "multiple Albanians and Romanians share a room" once they've settled into the country.
While i understand this was a time wasting trick, by this point she could see i was clearly not amused or in agreement with her views. "I mean, they're not all like that tho, are they? Plenty are fleeing war torn countries and dictatorships...right?" I raise both my eyebrows in disbelief while trying so hard not to roll my eyes.
She can see I'm not interested in her verbal diarrhoea and she attempts to move on swiftly and asks me to lay down while she "massages me"...well i dare not close my eyes because I'm not entirely sure whether its Mr Miyagi touching me or her, because all i can feel is circular motions going over my chest, thighs and groin area, with the motion going in reverse every so often.
After a few minutes of 'wax on, wax off' she reaches for a condom puts it on and starts licking and kissing my dick, with the occasional suck. She's actaully behaving as if its a Twister ice lolly.
Again, this carries on for about 2 or 3 minutes and she takes that condom off and puts a brand new one on for penetration.
She assumes the postion of doggy and my god, the stench that emerges from between her bum cheeks/fanny was absolutely VIOLENT. If i was hard, i now had a semi and im in too deep to walk away now.
Trying to look around the room to avoid the smell i make eye contact with her iphone...thats why it didn't switch off, she's set a timer and I've got 11mins left, so she's wasted more than 10mins spewing her bigoted thoughts and a few minutes of pretending to be Pepé Le Pew with my cock.
After what feels like a hundered strokes, somehow, i manage to come and i cant wait to get the hell out of there with minimal chit chat inbetween me removing the dom and walking out the door.
Me personally, i wouldnt recommend her at all. As far as im concerned, im absolutely raging that I'm £90 down from a shitty 25min punt, which was probably actually only 5-6mins of action.
There was something about her photos that told me this isnt a good idea, but i just didnt listen to my gut instinct.
In relation to those photos on her profile, there is NOT the slightest resemblance in reality. Not unless they were taken 10-15 years ago and shes piled on the pounds ever since.
Sit on your hands with this one, lads.
Dont even contemplate it.
Learn from my stupidity.
D.I.T.
