Im looking to have an affair.

[Joe Cocker]

Im mid 50s, been with my partner over 20yrs and Ive been punting now for about 8yrs. Im a regular punter, anywhere from 3-8 times a month.

Initially punting was all I needed, the physical release and the idea of shagging some pretty younger girls worked well but as the years go by its becoming less and less effective, Im finding myself wanting something more. I also think during these last 8yrs Ive detached further from my partner although I still do love her dearly but more as a sister, we havent had any sexual relations for years and years due to her losing all interest after a hysterectomy. There is zero intimacy in our relationship and I fear it has taken its toll.

Anyway a few months ago a younger girl showed some interest in me and to my surprise I found myself seriously considering the idea of maybe leaving my partner and starting again with someone else, just not with her though as I knew she was a gold digger. I fully understand how huge a move this would be and the pain it would cause to myself and my partner so its not something I would do lightly and I might not do it at all unless the right girl comes along. I also expect this could be a mid life crisis although I reckon Ive had a couple of these already and usually a new motorbike or sports car has sufficed.

Anyway, I dont want to leave my partner and start again as a single man because Im really not sure its what I want so selfishly Im considering trying to find someone new on an affair basis to begin with and only making the move if Im fully sure down the line. I know this is a selfish as fuck attitude but Im too old to play this the risky way. We have no children and I have lots of spare time and we dont live in each others pockets so I do think I could maintain two relationships for a while.

Im surprising myself with all of these thoughts as Ive never cheated before, Ive always played with a straight bat but Ive seen mates do stuff like this and end up happy so here I am.

Other than meeting escorts or massage girls I dont come into contact with females much, my work is 100% male orientated and Im not a pub goer so finding a potential new person to have an affair with seems really difficult.

If Im going to do this I dont want to bring into my life a whole load of hassle so I would be looking for someone with no children and also she would have to be an upgrade in terms of younger, fresher, good looking etc.

Where the fuck do I start?

[alabama1]

I think this should be in the 'Off topic' chat OP, as it has nothing to do with punting 

[Watts.E.Dunn]

I'd have thought Joe that there are many on here who'd say the same thing or are thinking ther same way..

FWTW...

[Joe Cocker]

I'd have thought Joe that there are many on here who'd say the same thing or are thinking ther same way..

FWTW...

As I said its not something I could have ever imagined myself saying so it really surprises me.

A friend left his wife of well over 20yrs a few years back for a younger girl and I counselled him against it but it really seems to have turned out well.

My trouble is I really dont know where to start looking and thought maybe the collective could give me some ideas that avoid gold diggers and scams etc.

[maxxblue]

Im surprising myself with all of these thoughts as Ive never cheated before, Ive always played with a straight bat but Ive seen mates do stuff like this and end up happy so here I am.

Really? 

[advent2016]

Funniest thread I've seen for ages. "Never cheated" but punted for 8 years sometimes twice a week. OP should check with his partner if she considers that as not cheating 

Merry X

[Joe Cocker]

Funniest thread I've seen for ages. "Never cheated" but punted for 8 years sometimes twice a week. OP should check with his partner if she considers that as not cheating 

Merry X

Yes, you make a good point although not a very constructive one.

I guess that reflects what I must think of punting, like going for a massage or a haircut, something I need to do. I punt without ever having to tell lies or make excuses to my partner so I guess Ive never really considered it cheating in the same was as having a full blown affair with someone where feelings come into it.

So for clarity I will rephrase this, Ive never had an affair in the past, Ive always ended the relationship first and moved on.

Now if you want to help in a constructive way feel free.

[MissWolf]

I'm gonna trow my hat in the ring here, you might not like it, I don't really care 

Think very carefully about this.......

If you don't want to be with your partner then leave,  you should not be thinking of leaving ONLY IF you find a replacement,  she's not a bloody car she's a human.

Don't be a wuss, leave and be on your own, do your own laundry,  washing up, cooking, shopping etc learn to be on your own and learn who you are, learn to like yourself and then find another partner, you are much more likely to succeed and be happy in the next relationship if you do.

Very few relationships that begin with affairs go long term, I did see some statistics once but I can't remember them and I'm not inclined to hunt them out, it was quite low if I recall.

There are lots of threads over the years on this subject on here, don't be lazy go have a hunt for them, they make interesting reading, I may have commented on those in a similar vein 

Good luck with the Upgrade they work both ways BTW

Happy Christmas 

[WARSZAWA16]

A few pubs round my way have something called "Cougar Nights". You could see if you have something similar locally and try your luck there. 

[Joe Cocker]

I'm gonna trow my hat in the ring here, you might not like it, I don't really care 

Think very carefully about this.......

If you don't want to be with your partner then leave,  you should not be thinking of leaving ONLY IF you find a replacement,  she's not a bloody car she's a human.

Don't be a wuss, leave and be on your own, do your own laundry,  washing up, cooking, shopping etc learn to be on your own and learn who you are, learn to like yourself and then find another partner, you are much more likely to succeed and be happy in the next relationship if you do.

Very few relationships that begin with affairs go long term, I did see some statistics once but I can't remember them and I'm not inclined to hunt them out, it was quite low if I recall.

There are lots of threads over the years on this subject on here, don't be lazy go have a hunt for them, they make interesting reading, I may have commented on those in a similar vein 

Good luck with the Upgrade they work both ways BTW

Happy Christmas 

Stick to your day job pet, Im not looking for advice from a brass.

[MissWolf]

Stick to your day job pet, Im not looking for advice from a brass.

 

I'm only a part time Brass luv

I'm a full time woman, sister, daughter, mother etc etc and all round decent person who chose to leave my ex husband before I got involved with an affair,  we are still good friends because I did it the right way.

But you crack on sweetie 

[MrBamboo]

As I said its not something I could have ever imagined myself saying so it really surprises me.

A friend left his wife of well over 20yrs a few years back for a younger girl and I counselled him against it but it really seems to have turned out well.

My trouble is I really dont know where to start looking and thought maybe the collective could give me some ideas that avoid gold diggers and scams etc.

From first hand experience let me give you some advice... there is no way your OH will not know you are having an affair.. you may think you are getting away with it but deep down she will know.
Your demeanour and life habits will change (why do you always carry your phone with you around the house when you used to leave it on the kitchen side, why do you now dress up and wear aftershave to meet "the lads" for a pint and game of pool etc etc)..your good lady may choose to turn a blind eye but she will know.

[harryhavanagh]

I'm only a part time Brass luv

I'm a full time woman, sister, daughter, mother etc etc and all round decent person who chose to leave my ex husband before I got involved with an affair,  we are still good friends because I did it the right way.

But you crack on sweetie 

It would be a lot better if you didn't try and wrap up the "advice" with such low grade snipes such as "sweetie", "I don't care", "I'm not inclined to" then chastising with "don't be lazy".  It really didn't add anything to the conversation.

OP - I can imagine this is quite confusing for you. This may sound a little detached / dispassionate as is its purpose: It may be worth doing a SWOT analysis. Less detached: if you are inclined, you can also go on your own somewhere and sit with the feeling. Perhaps the answer will come to you.

[mills_and_bhuna]

Stick to your day job pet, Im not looking for advice from a brass.

Make your mind up.
You wanted constructive advice.
You got some.
The gender and occupation of the purveyor of said advice should be immaterial.
For what it's worth I agree with said advice.
If you wanted to restrict the advice to easy options you should have said in the original post. 

[lillythesavage]

Stick to your day job pet, Im not looking for advice from a brass.

You posted asking for advice, and advice from a woman is hard to come by, very hard for you obviously to get any advice other than from here  .
You got bloody good advice from someone who has been there , done that and probably a lot more you would enjoy if you were not so ignorant and mysonogistic.

I have been there done that too, taken me 10 years after separation to get it right, but given advice to the likes of you is obviously a complete waste of time.

Go fuck with womens heads, including your wife of more than 20 years, it will make you very happy no doubt,

You sum up why there is hatred for this site to be honest 

[webpunter]

If Im going to do this I dont want to bring into my life a whole load of hassle so I would be looking for someone with no children and also she would have to be an upgrade in terms of younger, fresher, good looking etc.

Hassle comes with the territory with burds [other than for rentals]
Its just a question as to whether they are worth it
Some are some aren't however you usually dont to get to find out for quite some time which they are

[Doc Holliday]

Make your mind up.
You wanted constructive advice.
You got some.
The gender and occupation of the purveyor of said advice should be immaterial.
For what it's worth I agree with said advice.
If you wanted to restrict the advice to easy options you should have said in the original post. 

Agreed. The reply may have a not unsurprising, female 'disgust' slant, but the content is both accurate and relevant. However if you read his post his mind seems made up that he wants an 'affair' with a much younger woman and the advice he seeks is how he can find one and not should he have an affair.

Joe, given that you have little interaction with women during your working life and you don't appear to visit pubs, clubs etc then your options are limited. There is a long thread in Off Topic about the realities of internet dating you should read. Given you are mid fifties, possibly with misogynistic tendencies, then it also assumes that younger women will be attracted to you in some way (other than financial). If not you may be getting into Unicorn territory?

As others have said I'm not sure you have fully though through exactly what it is you are looking to find (and that you haven't already got) and the potential pitfalls of seeking it?

[Doc Holliday]

Some are some aren't however you usually dont to get to find out for quite some time which they are

Which is why the majority of affairs last between six to twelve months. The grass is not always greener 

[scutty brown]

Make your mind up.
You wanted constructive advice.
You got some.
The gender and occupation of the purveyor of said advice should be immaterial.
For what it's worth I agree with said advice.
If you wanted to restrict the advice to easy options you should have said in the original post. 

Yep
I agree too.
Before you start a new relationship, end the current one.
Or.... Have you even tried talking to your wife and asking what she thinks or wants?

[webpunter]

You posted asking for advice, and advice from a woman is hard to come by, very hard for you obviously to get any advice other than from here  .
You got bloody good advice from someone who has been there , done that and probably a lot more you would enjoy if you were not so ignorant and mysonogistic.

Exactly
OP hasn't got a scooby
He comes across as a real catch 

[SonofAJohn]

This thread is why marriage will never happen for a young guy like me.
I will marry cryptocurrency instead.

[jackdaw]

Yep
I agree too.
Before you start a new relationship, end the current one.
Or.... Have you even tried talking to your wife and asking what she thinks or wants?

Isn’t there some mileage in OP having a honest conversation with his “wife/sister” along the lines of “I really mix sex, how would feel about me having a relationship with another woman”?

Everybody is different, some people find open relationships work really well.

[RandomGuy99]

I suspect most people you'd have an affair with would probably be good diggers. They'll fleece you and then fuck off. Good luck with that.

[Doc Holliday]

Isn’t there some mileage in OP having a honest conversation with his “wife/sister” along the lines of “I really mix sex, how would feel about me having a relationship with another woman”?

Everybody is different, some people find open relationships work really well.

Honest conversation is a good option to consider ... though not always easy to do.

Once again not really relevant to what the OP is asking advice about?

Open relationships by mutual consent, are also far from straight forward and as such successful long term ones uncommon.

[Billy no mates]

I will keep it short and sweet.

The issue isn’t your feelings for the person, that’s not who you develop feelings for. I found it to be the intoxication of ‘feeling’ 15 again.

“Will she text back” “how do I respond to that” all the stuff you have taken for granted over 20 yrs with your partner.

Tread very carefully my friend, there’s nothing quite as exciting as the feelings you had when you were young, and reliving them, the target of this affection is irrelevant.

[alabama1]

Yes, you make a good point although not a very constructive one.

I guess that reflects what I must think of punting, like going for a massage or a haircut, something I need to do. I punt without ever having to tell lies or make excuses to my partner so I guess Ive never really considered it cheating in the same was as having a full blown affair with someone where feelings come into it.

So for clarity I will rephrase this, Ive never had an affair in the past, Ive always ended the relationship first and moved on.

Now if you want to help in a constructive way feel free.

So you tell her that you punt then 

[Joe Cocker]

Where the fuck do I start?

Everything before the last sentence was trying to give anyone who reads my post some context.

This last sentence was the question and the bit Im looking for help on.

Thanks to those who have taken the time to reply. I didnt start this thread to have to deal with a whole load of shit from people judging me, it wasnt an easy thread to write and I was hoping to get some advice from guys who might understand and or who have been there and done it.

[Dark Vader]

Ok, constructive. You been punting for a while. Would you say you had a type? I know you said upgrade but what exactly are you looking for physically and emotionally?

[shed]

Stick to your day job pet, Im not looking for advice from a brass.

Hilarious and straight to the point 

[Doc Holliday]

Everything before the last sentence was trying to give anyone who reads my post some context.

This last sentence was the question and the bit Im looking for help on.

Thanks to those who have taken the time to reply. I didnt start this thread to have to deal with a whole load of shit from people judging me, it wasnt an easy thread to write and I was hoping to get some advice from guys who might understand and or who have been there and done it.

Which was how I read it and pointed out the difficulties in finding someone.
However it didn't require that extra context. Much of it was superfluous detail to what you were looking for help with. You have been a member here long enough to know the content opened you up to criticism. This was then compounded by your unnecessary hostile response to Miss Wolf.

[Joe Cocker]

Ok, constructive. You been punting for a while. Would you say you had a type? I know you said upgrade but what exactly are you looking for physically and emotionally?

I find this a difficult question to answer, Ive never really had a type but when punting its almost exclusively Asians these days. The problem I see with Asian girls though is limited English which would make developing a meaningful relationship quite difficult due to poor comms and also some cultural differences that could get in the way.

I guess I want to test the water or maybe more so test myself. Like I said in my OP I have a decent relationship and I never thought I would be having this discussion but a few months ago I met a Thai working girl who mesmerised me to the point I thought if the circumstances had been right I would have ended my current relationship for it but it became clear this girl was very much a gold digger.

The experience shocked me a bit because I never would have thought I would ever leave my current partner but the excitement in so many different ways both physically and emotionally grabbed me. That was the wrong girl but Im now wondering how my life would be if she had of been genuine, she was 15yrs younger, had the outlook of a woman 15yrs younger than me and made me feel young again.

Like Ive already said Im open to accepting this could be a mid life crisis but if having an affair is an itch then Im looking for advice on how to best scratch it from guys who might have been there before me and done it. If I scratch it and find I would rather stay put then again Im cool with that, its just something that is now constantly nagging me and I feel I need to do something about it.

To be perfectly honest if there was a tablet available from the doctor that killed off my sex drive or an injection etc I would happily take it and stay with my current partner as we have a lot of positives to our relationship, Ive had bad relationships before and I know a good one when I see it. The problem as I see it is there is sex everywhere, you cant watch TV, read a magazine or surf the net without it being in your face all of the time and I still have a strong sex drive. My partner is dead in that area now (her words) and I love/respect her far too much to put on to her for my own needs, hence the reason I started punting and the reason Im where I am today.

I dont feel I can talk to my partner about this as it will just put pressure on her to become physical when she doesnt want to.

Contrary to what some might think Im a good guy, I dont take this stuff lightly and I dont take turning someone else life who I love upside down as nothing but equally do I have to be unhappy/frustrated the rest of my life or can I at least try scratching the itch without being condemned as a cunt?

[MissWolf]

It would be a lot better if you didn't try and wrap up the "advice" with such low grade snipes such as "sweetie", "I don't care", "I'm not inclined to" then chastising with "don't be lazy".  It really didn't add anything to the conversation.

OP - I can imagine this is quite confusing for you. This may sound a little detached / dispassionate as is its purpose: It may be worth doing a SWOT analysis. Less detached: if you are inclined, you can also go on your own somewhere and sit with the feeling. Perhaps the answer will come to you.

You are absolutely right I could have wrapped it up all nice with a little bow and kisses, but I didn't,  I wasn't aggressive or rude, I simply pointed out a couple of truths and pieces of advice from my pov

He's a grown man not a child if he can't cope with someone telling him to do better research,  not to be a wuss and that I'm not going to look for him then he needs to grow a pair, this site has seeking threads in every regional board and in main with stacks of advice,  there is a massive thread right here in off topic about dating sites and people experience of using them, imo that is where he starts.

He is absolutely set on going out to find someone with whom to get emotionally involved with behind his wife's back and with intention of that being so he can leave his (quite possibly long suffering) wife and 'she would have to be an upgrade in terms of younger, fresher, good looking etc.' That to me is quite unpleasant.
 
But, at no point have I called this man any names or been rude to him, I only called him sweetie after he came back at me in an unsavoury manner, if you are going to post this kind of thread, with that kind of intent on an open forum asking for advice, you best be able to deal with the replies.

Imo he either carries on punting, finds a seeking option or does the decent thing and walk away before he goes shopping for a replacement.

I believe Billy no mates said be careful because it's the thrill of the new and the intoxicating feeling of being young again that will fool you into thinking this is it, it's like fools gold and will fool him too.

[Thephoenix]

Make your mind up.
You wanted constructive advice.
You got some.
The gender and occupation of the purveyor of said advice should be immaterial.
For what it's worth I agree with said advice.
If you wanted to restrict the advice to easy options you should have said in the original post. 

I agree.
I thought the advice was sound and constructive albeit a tad reactionary.
It doesn't take much  for mysogony to rear it's ugly head on here, and there's always a few who are keen to jump on the bandwagon.

[RandomGuy99]

Perhaps his Mrs is secretly off with a toy boy and she'll give him the elbow?

[webpunter]

Perhaps his Mrs is secretly off with a toy boy and she'll give him the elbow?

Could be the case, tho given his OHs situation unlikely

However:
"8yrs. Im a regular punter, anywhere from 3-8 times a month"
Thats an average of 5.5 a month * 12 * 8 = a grand total of 528
Much more likely is that unbeknown to the OP it didn't take long for the OH to become aware of his activities
There are only so many times that someone can go to B&Q for a peruse 
A suspicion which develops over time into something more concrete
Blokes have a short memory span however women are like elephants
I would suggest, unless she is completely clueless, that she knows full well when he goes to get his tanks emptied
A grumpy individual around the house goes out [to B&Q, again  ] & on his return skips down the drive humming 'zippity doo dah ... '
& the OH prefers this set-up [like sooo many couples] as it preserves the partner / relationship equilibrium
As long as its not made obvious to the OH
& much more importantly that the OHs girly friends don't clock it otherwise this is where problems can really start
"what you let him do that & don't say or do anything"
The peer pressure ramps up & the outcome is v.unlikely to be +ve
I've seen it happen to one of my mates
Under the radar all fine
The OHs friends find out [a reasonable chance they are in the same / similar position]
& WW3 beckons as suddenly the girly friends think that there is a clear & present danger to their own supposedly harmonious household
Especially when they are comfortable financially
Forever ago since they needed to have a job its pilates & lunches nice car nice house holidays cleaner etc
They have to stop this in its tracks, not for their supposed friend but for themselves
Best that the bloke gets himself an iron dome defence system as the missiles will be arriving
So for the OP as in Black Adder 'deny everything'

[RogerBoner]

I never thought I would be having this discussion but a few months ago I met a Thai working girl who mesmerised me to the point I thought if the circumstances had been right I would have ended my current relationship for it but it became clear this girl was very much a gold digger.

I feel for you as I fell for a Thai WG almost ten years ago. I won't forget her but got over it. They do have a gentle feminine nature and enjoy sex. If I was you, and I almost am, I'd stick with the wife and carry on punting.

Anyway, sex is much better with escorts than with civvies unless you happen to find Thai ex bargirl who's into being friends with benefits. 

[SonofAJohn]

Anyway, sex is much better with escorts than with civvies unless you happen to find Thai ex bargirl who's into being friends with benefits. 

+1
Yes

[scutty brown]

...........To be perfectly honest if there was a tablet available from the doctor that killed off my sex drive or an injection etc I would happily take it and stay with my current partner...................

That's no problem at all. Feminising hormone drugs would sort that for you.
Go see your GP and tell him/her of your problems. Might have a side benefit if you're at risk of prostate problems

[Bonker]

OP are you genuinely looking for advice or just validation / justification of the position you've already taken?

I'm not trying to antagonise you, just pointing out that this often happens - in my experience. I find myself doing it too, sometimes. I am further inclined to assume this as I find some of your posts to be aggressive and rude.

I have been in the same basic situation as yourself but offer no advice because I don't think it will help. We are different people, our wives are, our lives are etc etc.

A more open and welcoming stance may yield more fruit.

[Bonker]

What would you do if I had an affair
Would you stand up and walk out on me

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends.

[twotight]

a few things you widen your social life to include more female orientated activities and events stuff like dancing classes ,acting classes ,charity events....
Concentrate more on single mums and women that are already in a dead en relationship,as you mentioned before most 20's year olds will just be gold diggers not always,and last you don't have to leave your wife just to go on a date or 2 ,but that up to you 

[alabama1]

Feel free to answer to  my question to reply 25 OP

[Joe Cocker]

Feel free to answer to  my question to reply 25 OP

Why would I want to tell her that I punt, what positives would come from that for either of us?

[Joe Cocker]

OP are you genuinely looking for advice or just validation / justification of the position you've already taken?

The question was how do I find someone who might be open to an affair?

I dont feel I need validation from anyone, only I know my situation etc. Some of the people who are jumping to ridiculously wrong conclusions about me her are laughable.

[Joe Cocker]

One of the reasons I started this thread was I thought maybe there were websites aimed at my situation that other members knew about or ways they have managed to do what Im trying to.

Im not looking for advice about the morality of having an affair or the dangers and pitfalls, Im wise enough to understand all of that.

[The0neAnd0nly]

You might be Sheffield finest singer... but you're chatting bollocks.

Have a Merry Christmas anyway  👍

[Jameson20]

From what you've said, it seems as though you've been checked out of your relationship for a while. Instead of having an affair, why not just finish with your partner and go your own way? That way at least you show respect to her and to yourself. There's absolutely no point whatsoever in remaining in a husk of a relationship.

[hairdownthere]

One of the reasons I started this thread was I thought maybe there were websites aimed at my situation that other members knew about or ways they have managed to do what Im trying to.

Im not looking for advice about the morality of having an affair or the dangers and pitfalls, Im wise enough to understand all of that.

If you are actively searching then chances are you wont find.  If it happens, it'll happen by chance.

If you still love your wife then be a man, show her some respect and end your marriage.

[LeedsGent]

It sounds to me that you are in a similar situation to myself.  I started punting due to the lack of sex in my marriage.  I realised that I was getting the sex I was missing, but I was needing more.  I have had a regular sugar baby for a couple of years.  Which is the same as an affair, although I am under no illusion that she would want me full time.  There are many men on here who are happy with their marriage and punt to get the only thing they are missing.  If you are missing or looking for more than sex, then I would say that it is time to move on.  This is the camp I am in and plan to move on as soon as I can.  It seems to me that you are wanting to hedge your bets and test drive a few options before you decide.  I would say, if you start a relationship as an affair, it is not a true relationship and my not survive the transition and the divorce.  I would suggest that you make your mind up as to weather you want to stay or move on.  I know that it is scary to make the decision to go it alone.

[PepeMAGA]

sounds like you'd be best to meet someone off Seeking and see how that feels first. if you dont like it, will be easier to break off than the type of girl that would date a considerably older man.
alternatively you could try and work something out with your wife, have her see the doctor about the libido and may be dial yours down as well.