Not sure where to post this review, so placed it here.
30/12/2022 experience of Rio’s Naturist Spa, Kentish Town, London
External Link/Members OnlyExternal Link/Members OnlyExternal Link/Members Only**This review is not aimed at running the place down, but is a fair reflection of my experience when I went**
I woke up. This was the first mistake of the day. It was dark. Not dark enough for it to be nigh time, but dark because its winter and its dim. I was in my worn-out bed, whose sheets I don’t change nearly often enough, in my stale, dank bedsit, alone. How the fuck was I going to make it through another weird, between Christmas and New Year day? I needed to do something sleazy, but something that would kill a decent amount of time. I was tired of quickies in Soho Walk ups. I fancied a punt with a high end transexual, but I didn’t have the money and that would not eat up enough time anyway. What about a dirty strip pub? A waste of time. Fuck. I had an uninspiring breakfast while gazing out of the condensation packed window. Fuck this, I decided to have a wank over tranny porn (second mistake of the day) and went back to sleep.
Woke up again far too quickly. But this time I had a flash of inspiration – Rio’s Kentish Town! The place of legend and subject of many hushed conversations in my local leisure centre steam room. I had never quite made my way around to going, but today would be that day it was decided. I range them to check they were open and to confirm the price. Good God the bird sounded rough “yer rios. yer wer open til midnight, yeerrr its £32 quid entry”. No pleasantries no bullshit. I gingerly packed my bag – they supply towels (generously – they change them whenever you want with no questions, which is nice) and give out free water. All you need is shower gel and sliders. I was good to go.
I came out of Kentish Town tube and immediately felt ill at ease. Arsenal is a fucking religion in this part of town, its gooner country. I was deep behind enemy lines. I stopped and tightened my belt an extra notch otherwise these bastards would have had my pants down. Rio’s is a couple of minutes walk from the station and it is NOT discreet – it is brightly coloured, with “Rio’s relaxation spa” in big letters. You can probably see this place from space. Added to this, the door is clear glass, so once you dive inside you have to spend a few minutes fucking around at reception paying etc and everyone can see you standing there. Not that i) I am anyone nor ii) have anything left to loose since I was caught fucking around and then rinsed out with a messy divorce. But still. While Kentish Town is a pretty degenerate place, but the few civilians scuttling past gave the place suitably disdainful looks. An old lady with her shopping trolly even stopped to look the place up and down and tut.
I went inside. The woman on reception was suitably non-plussed I couldn’t have given a fuck if I was dead or alive. Relieved me of fore-mentioned 32 quid and buzzed me in, barely a word spoken. Found a locker, derobed, glad I bought sliders. Two very decent couples in the locker room, wow my expectations were already exceeded. However, neither of these couples stayed long nor played nor spoke to anyone.
I walked into the fray and fuck me. Old Motown on the sound system, some junk game show on the TV, the bar women looked and sounded like Soho walk up maids. There were guys with electronic tags on their ankles skulking around – one guy even had TWO tags on! There were limping old blokes with tiny dicks. In the pool with a mug of tea was a 20 stone young bird that looked like Jade Goody, with an Arsenal tattoo (fucking everywhere) who later would be seen at the bar eating two portions of nandoos chicken with a mountain of fries working her way through 2 litres of Diet Coke. A couple of gay blokes gave me the eye. This place was full of degenerates. I felt instantly at home.
I noticed a lot of people had swim wear on which shocked me given its naturist credentials. Luckily I had bought some shorts, so I scurried back to the changing room to put mine on so not to intimidate the other punters with my 3 inches of love muscle.
There are some “rooms” at the back for “play” which I regularly went for a doss at, but the area was freezing cold and dead. I saw one older Latin American woman have some action with a young guy, and a gay guy going in with lube and condoms but that’s it.
Back in the steam/sauna and these were decent, with a cold pool to plunge in between cycles. This is where things felt a little strange. There is genuinely a community here of mainly working class Londoners of all racial backgrounds who, after some wild nights in the 1990s (which they freely told me about), come for steam, to massage each other and scrub their feet. They were catching up on who had passed away, who had ended up in a care home, who had moved on or had simply gone AWOL. This was really not sexy but was nice, welcoming and they were very sweet, even if they are probably Arsenal fans.
Generally, it felt safe, with one notable exception. A guy was in attendance who you could tell was aggressive as he aggressively interrogated a girl in the sauna, telling her he was “real” etc. she gave as good as she got, but still. Later in one of the steam rooms he was parroting anti-Semitic conspiracies, shadow boxing and stopping people entering the steam room to “keep the heat in” screaming at the guys trying to come in “theres no gyal in here” or “its full” which it wasn’t. He told a guy he was “buzzing on white rum” and that “real N-words do real N-word shit” and that “when you don’t chase bitches they come to you”. I detest Greta Thurnburg, but this really was “small dick energy” from a quite well hung guy. Even when security opened the steam room door to do a routine check he was aggressive and they said nothing. Something should have been done here without a doubt as this guy was on one and visibly made the customers uncomfortable.
Now to the part you have all been waiting for – an assessment of the talent and the action. There seem to be some rules in place to getting some action. You have to be in decent shape. Not shredded, but just in decent shape. Also, you have to have an above average phallus and be willing and able for it to be and stay erect and to show it off. And finally, most annoyingly, you have to be willing to fucking GRAFT. Fuck me the work I saw guys putting in for a speculative beat was shocking. Rendering this even more grim was the level of talent. 90% of the women had the erotic allure of a 1980s school dinner lady. 40/50s, paunchy, red faced with tits down to their knees. Some Polish, some English, some South American milfs, but all of the same level of munterdom. I saw one of the electronic tagged guys, in his early 20s with a massive cock being led astray by a 60 year old chubby English GILF and it felt a bit wrong. He was being led away to copulate with a woman old enough to be his granny on a cold, grubby plastic mattress. This summed up the vibe and it was strange.
So let me get this straight. I am supposed to stay in shape, be hung like Red Rum and graft my nuts off to possibly get some action with an aging munter?! It could be that being able to bang a stunner off adultwork for £80-£100 in London has ruined me, but why would you waste £32 to have to grind for possibly nothing, or possibly a munter? I am the wrong side of middle age, not in great shape nor crowded in my crotch area so in Rio’s if I am lucky I could be a cucold or gay. Another aspect is that there is a fair amount of bi- gay activity, including a guy wanking at me in one of the steam rooms. No problem for me but worth noting all the same.
I arrived at 4pm and was out back out into the Socialist Republic of Gooner by 8:30-9 in time for a quick kebab. One redeeming feature of Norf is the Turkish food. A good amount of street prostitutes about surprisingly including a very attractive black girl that gave me the come on.
Would I go back? All said and done, yes I would. But not with any sexual activity in mind because its just too much hassle for women that do not excite me in the slightest. However, the facilities are generally good, the customers are generally friendly and it’s a decent place to kill a few hours in a sleazy atmosphere.
