Cunt Van Man

[King Nuts]

We've all been familiar with White Van Man for some years now, but I think it's time to recognise a new genus: Cunt Van Man.

He drives a shiny, new-ish VW or Merc van, frequently in metallic blue or silver, tears along suburban roads at 80mph whenever he can, and in the fast lane on the motorway he'll be 2 inches behind you. Works in one of the more elevated branches of the building trade. Has on-trend facial hair, and is married to Chel.

If he's working on your house, he'll be there at the crack of half past nine, and at four pm on the dot, he'll be off in a cloud of dust and diesel fumes, and you still won't be able to shut your windows properly.

I guess the building trade's all about supply and demand, innit. And if there's demand, and VW/Merc want to make vans that'll do a ton, there's going to be Cunt Van Man.

[lillythesavage]

We've all been familiar with White Van Man for some years now, but I think it's time to recognise a new genus: Cunt Van Man.

He drives a shiny, new-ish VW or Merc van, frequently in metallic blue or silver, tears along suburban roads at 80mph whenever he can, and in the fast lane on the motorway he'll be 2 inches behind you. Works in one of the more elevated branches of the building trade. Has on-trend facial hair, and is married to Chel.

If he's working on your house, he'll be there at the crack of half past nine, and at four pm on the dot, he'll be off in a cloud of dust and diesel fumes, and you still won't be able to shut your windows properly.

I guess the building trade's all about supply and demand, innit. And if there's demand, and VW/Merc want to make vans that'll do a ton, there's going to be Cunt Van Man.

You forget those that drive pick up trucks  , looking like desert racers with tyres that make an awful noise on the road but never see dirt.

I drive a metallic blue Transit 

[Squire Haggard]

Cunt Van Man, and white van man, all want you out of their way all the time. They are at their worst when they are in a huge rush to get home to tea and their wanking chariots. 

[mr.bluesky]

Cunt Van Man, and white van man, all want you out of their way all the time. They are at their worst when they are in a huge rush to get home to tea and their wanking chariots. 

Not forgetting talking on their mobile phones as they drive 

[Adoniron]

The ones I particularly like are the ones who drive like c*nts in vehicles which are plastered with the livery of their employer's or their own business. There really is such a thing as bad publicity.

[Stevelondon]

Your van man gets a bad rep generally. But there are a whole load of bad/impatiemt drivers out there in reality.
Coincidentally.......had a run in with van man this morning.
I was walking back home from the shop and stopped at a crossing. An older gent was driving towards the lights (green)....but he was obviously thinking they could turn red at any minute and so started to slow down in preparation. 

Much to the annoyance of van man behind him who was tooting, yelling abuse out of the van window.
Something like,
"Come on you fuckin wanker, get a move on"

The light of course turned red.
This only heightened van mans anxiety and the torrent of abuse continued.
It got me thinking as I stood there looking at him. Exactly where does this chap need to be in such a hurry.
He clocks me looking at him and now his temper gets turned on me,
"Waddya fuckin looking at you cunt"......he says.

Its so ridiculous I burst out laughing..............I have no idea why laughing at someone who has a temper simply aggravates them even more.
I walk across the road giving the twat a cheery wave. 

[lillythesavage]

Your van man gets a bad rep generally. But there are a whole load of bad/impatiemt drivers out there in reality.
Coincidentally.......had a run in with van man this morning.
I was walking back home from the shop and stopped at a crossing. An older gent was driving towards the lights (green)....but he was obviously thinking they could turn red at any minute and so started to slow down in preparation. 

Much to the annoyance of van man behind him who was tooting, yelling abuse out of the van window.
Something like,
"Come on you fuckin wanker, get a move on"

The light of course turned red.
This only heightened van mans anxiety and the torrent of abuse continued.
It got me thinking as I stood there looking at him. Exactly where does this chap need to be in such a hurry.
He clocks me looking at him and now his temper gets turned on me,
"Waddya fuckin looking at you cunt"......he says.

Its so ridiculous I burst out laughing..............I have no idea why laughing at someone who has a temper simply aggravates them even more.
I walk across the road giving the twat a cheery wave. 

Most of the cunts are getting withdrawal symptoms from the previous nights booze and coke, pretty much stopped going to pubs because of it, sad cunts old enough to know better sniffing in the bogs 

There is one dealer always in the bogs at a local, my cousin stayed once, went for a pint but was back in 15 mins, after knocking the cunt out and leaving him on the bog floor , went to a 60th at another venue, guess who I found in the bogs, glamorous life is that dealing 

[Johnnyb0y]

Your van man gets a bad rep generally. But there are a whole load of bad/impatiemt drivers out there in reality.
Coincidentally.......had a run in with van man this morning.
I was walking back home from the shop and stopped at a crossing. An older gent was driving towards the lights (green)....but he was obviously thinking they could turn red at any minute and so started to slow down in preparation. 

Much to the annoyance of van man behind him who was tooting, yelling abuse out of the van window.
Something like,
"Come on you fuckin wanker, get a move on"

The light of course turned red.
This only heightened van mans anxiety and the torrent of abuse continued.
It got me thinking as I stood there looking at him. Exactly where does this chap need to be in such a hurry.
He clocks me looking at him and now his temper gets turned on me,
"Waddya fuckin looking at you cunt"......he says.

Its so ridiculous I burst out laughing..............I have no idea why laughing at someone who has a temper simply aggravates them even more.
I walk across the road giving the twat a cheery wave. 

Love this post - maybe van man’s OH has just found out about all his other extracurricular activities and it ruined his day

[berksboy]

They are always in a rush to get to the next red traffic light first ! Unless you are the old bill on blues and twos you can only go as fast as the traffic flow so just chill out. If late you should have left earler , if satnav say 1hr give it 1 1/4 hr or more.

[Bummer]

I think Range Rover drivers are utter bastards too ; they think they own the roads as well as the country

[Blackpool Rock]

I think Range Rover drivers are utter bastards too ; they think they own the roads as well as the country

Yeah this thread could probably also be extended to other 4x4 drivers along with the majority of BMW and Audi drivers

[Watts.E.Dunn]

Dunno.. The overall quality of driving in our area is still quite good despite some older drivers who can dwadle aty the lights and such..

And we do have some very affluent motors in evidence!..

[Pillowtalk]

The ones I particularly like are the ones who drive like c*nts in vehicles which are plastered with the livery of their employer's or their own business. There really is such a thing as bad publicity.

Agreed, I was nearly forced off the road today by an YXZ Machine Tools van. the driver was a complete tool.

[Squire Haggard]

Agreed, I was nearly forced off the road today by an YXZ Machine Tools van. the driver was a complete tool.

You could always email them. I've email a company once about this. The boss was very interested, and wanted to know exactly where and when so he could trace the driver, which he did. He was then banned from using the car for his own use.

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[Colston36]

Well done!

[lillythesavage]

Agreed, I was nearly forced off the road today by an YXZ Machine Tools van. the driver was a complete tool.

They are complete tools because they will employ any donkey with a license, all the tool machine hire companies do, because the pay is shite.
Same with the clowns delivering and setting up temp traffic lights, you would think they might have a clue, but no, drive like cunts then turn into real cunts making sure they cause bigger jams than needed, then laugh about it in the pub.

[Conkers13]

I got a taxi driver banned for 6 months by the council.  I was driving behind him when he emptied a bin full of rubbish out of his window whilst driving.
Followed him to the station where he was doing a pick up. Tackled him about what he had done and he just gave me a load of abuse.
I went home and rang the police , they said ring the council.  I rang them and they asked me to make a full statement..
Didn't no the outcome till I went to play snooker the next week . The stewardess husband was also a taxi driver and he called me every name under the sun for living a man his job.
The person who abused me was also barred from the snooker club.

[Watts.E.Dunn]

I was once told, advised to lob the odd coke can out of the window along such as motorways and they, it seemed, made very good resideces for a lot of insects and the like!

Entomologist she was!..

[shed]

Yeah this thread could probably also be extended to other 4x4 drivers along with the majority of BMW and Audi drivers

Let me guess BR..... . You drive a Honda Jazz.

[GreyDave]

Let me guess BR..... . You drive a Honda Jazz.

Side note one of my customers a Landlady of flats was knocked down as she crossed road at a crossing the driver had quickly turned and scooped her up and over the bonnet of the Honda Jazz she was damaged and had broken collar bone due to the fall bacl on road surface ....Whilst in pain she talked to the Paramedics who attended her it was the second accident that they had attended at that spot the last was a dreadful mess for the pedestrian smashed pelvis internal injuries life changing and threatening YUP youve guessed it.

They were hit by a Range Rover    Cars have come along way unfortunatly the SUV trend is putting them back to the 1920`s in the fatal injuries these type of cars cause, low saloons are made to be less damaging to people....

[shed]

Fairly obvious with your vehicle comparison 
At least 1000KG plus difference in weight. Or am I missing something?

[lillythesavage]

Fairly obvious with your vehicle comparison 
At least 1000KG plus difference in weight. Or am I missing something?

The weight is not the major issue, it is the height and the ground clearance. Cars have been designed to try and not damage pedestrians on impact for years, it goes out of the window with Chelsea tractors and is indeed taking things back in time.

Land Rovers were found in rural settings, Range Rover mostly in cities and towns, just powerful luxury Land Rovers in the wrong place.

[Devonguy78]

Forgetting to mention that it is standard dress code to wear either shorts or 3/4 length trousers if you own a VW Transporter, even if you are a fat bald cunt in your 50's no matter what the weather is

[Blackpool Rock]

The weight is not the major issue, it is the height and the ground clearance. Cars have been designed to try and not damage pedestrians on impact for years, it goes out of the window with Chelsea tractors and is indeed taking things back in time.

Land Rovers were found in rural settings, Range Rover mostly in cities and towns, just powerful luxury Land Rovers in the wrong place.

Yeah and the clue is most are sold with road tyres on not off road tyres

[shed]

Cars have been designed to try and not damage pedestrians on impact for years,

Am asking out of ignorance on this one. But what designs on cars say traveling at 30mph can prevent pedestrians being killed or seriously injured. Can understand the huge safety development on "driver and passenger" safety such as front side and rear impact collision systems, air bags etc.

[Blackpool Rock]

Am asking out of ignorance on this one. But what designs on cars say traveling at 30mph can prevent pedestrians being killed or seriously injured. Can understand the huge safety development on "driver and passenger" safety such as front side and rear impact collision systems, air bags etc.

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The problem with a big 4x4 is that the front end of it is basically like a flat battering ram hitting a pedestrian

[shed]

Suppose the same argument could be said for light trucks, pick up trucks and Vans. The reverse is that SUV's have a better crash impact safety protection for passengers than cars.

"In fact, research has found that an SUV driver or passenger is at least 50 percent more likely to survive a car crash without suffering serious injuries than an individual riding in a saloon."

[lillythesavage]

Suppose the same argument could be said for light trucks, pick up trucks and Vans. The reverse is that SUV's have a better crash impact safety protection for passengers than cars.

"In fact, research has found that an SUV driver or passenger is at least 50 percent more likely to survive a car crash without suffering serious injuries than an individual riding in a saloon."

Stating the bleeding obvious  , but they wreck anything or anyone they happen to hit in that situation.

Pick up trucks are basically the same, vans have also had front end safety styling with a more angled front end, And the use of plastic bumpers, but that seems to be going out of the window with some. Started back in the 80,s with the MK3 Transit.

Trucks are trucks, usually with flat fronts but later ones are being made slightly lower with much more vision, larger front screens that are lower at the bottom, with dash boards that obscure less, and windows in nearside door bottoms, more mirrors, less on the camera and screen ones, but more in general and they have to be wide angle lenses.
All sorts of cameras, sensors and audible warnings are fitted to most now and have been for a few years.

[shed]

Whatever you say 

[Blackpool Rock]

Hey Lilly you'll like this, I was behind a Renault Traffic van earlier and there was a sticker under the Renault badge saying something along the lines of "Actually I identify as a Transit" 

Also saw one a few months back on an old and clapped out Transit that said "Black smoke matters" 

[lillythesavage]

Hey Lilly you'll like this, I was behind a Renault Traffic van earlier and there was a sticker under the Renault badge saying something along the lines of "Actually I identify as a Transit" 

Also saw one a few months back on an old and clapped out Transit that said "Black smoke matters" 

 , Got to love an old Transit. The Di diesel was a game changer. power. economy and reliability for the first time in a van. When the MK3 came along with it, nothing could compete, until Mercedes came along with the Sprinter, which was miles ahead of the models it replaced.

Those stickers are very on trend, love it.

[Stevelondon]

After reading all this I was thinking maybe I should change my motor. Get something that would do less damage to a pedestrian in a collision.
Asked my mate for advise and he said he was thinking exactly the same thing.
He got rid of the Lamborghini as it was too wedged shaped.
He hit a pedestrian who flew over the top of the car……….. actually he would have been ok…… but then he got hit by the 4x4 following behind him.
 

[lillythesavage]

After reading all this I was thinking maybe I should change my motor. Get something that would do less damage to a pedestrian in a collision.
Asked my mate for advise and he said he was thinking exactly the same thing.
He got rid of the Lamborghini as it was too wedged shaped.
He hit a pedestrian who flew over the top of the car……….. actually he would have been ok…… but then he got hit by the 4x4 following behind him.
 

  , back in the day when cows wandered freely around some East London postcodes, one was hit by a convertible Mustang.

It landed on the driver who lost his life.

In the same area on the way to school, saw a pair of legs sticking out of a car windscreen at a zebra crossing, apparently not badly injured.

[Watts.E.Dunn]

Rember Polmont and what the cows did there;?...

[Squire Haggard]

Rember Polmont and what the cows did there;?...

Yup, I remember my dad telling me about it when it was on the TV news in my neck of the woods.

Dang ma poons! Sure as shittin' never happened in the Ole West! Folks back then had the sense to put things on engines that shoved cows or injuns off the railroad!

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[lillythesavage]

Rember Polmont and what the cows did there;?...

No, but living with the things wandering around freely, I can imagine carnage, the fucking things can jump, garden walls were no obstruction to a nice meal of flowers. My nan and grandad used the shit on the roses, but the fuckers ate the results. 

[Followyourdick]

We've all been familiar with White Van Man for some years now, but I think it's time to recognise a new genus: Cunt Van Man.

He drives a shiny, new-ish VW or Merc van, frequently in metallic blue or silver, tears along suburban roads at 80mph whenever he can, and in the fast lane on the motorway he'll be 2 inches behind you. Works in one of the more elevated branches of the building trade. Has on-trend facial hair, and is married to Chel.

If he's working on your house, he'll be there at the crack of half past nine, and at four pm on the dot, he'll be off in a cloud of dust and diesel fumes, and you still won't be able to shut your windows properly.

I guess the building trade's all about supply and demand, innit. And if there's demand, and VW/Merc want to make vans that'll do a ton, there's going to be Cunt Van Man.

I had one of these behind me on the mway recently, prick was about 2 feet off my rear end, just let him go past, better off with dicks like that in front of you.  Unfortunately the company he was driving for don’t have an email contact on their website otherwise he would have been reported.

[GreyDave]

I had one of these behind me on the mway recently, prick was about 2 feet off my rear end, just let him go past, better off with dicks like that in front of you.  Unfortunately the company he was driving for don’t have an email contact on their website otherwise he would have been reported.

  I was stuck last week with a customer after Gaffer left on site after said customer offered me lift back 1st to station then close to my flat....

Right he has a really nice newish Mercedes CAR we were followed by Transit with go faster Shelby stripes down it. His car kept BLEEP BLEEP ing ...whats that ?

"The Arse in Van behind wants to get a ride in my boot" said with Plumy ex Army droll   
this went on till he decided to over take/ cunt infront of us from a right turn lane at lights in Harrow...

I had no idea there was a closeness warning like the parking asist ...live and lean eh

[lillythesavage]

I was stuck last week with a customer after Gaffer left on site after said customer offered me lift back 1st to station then close to my flat....

Right he has a really nice newish Mercedes CAR we were followed by Transit with go faster Shelby stripes down it. His car kept BLEEP BLEEP ing ...whats that ?

"The Arse in Van behind wants to get a ride in my boot" said with Plumy ex Army droll   
this went on till he decided to over take/ cunt infront of us from a right turn lane at lights in Harrow...

I had no idea there was a closeness warning like the parking asist ...live and lean eh

Most new cars have a red warning triangle on the dash if you drive too close, well those with adaptive cruise do. only a matter of the rear parking sensors being perma engaged, instead of just in reverse, to get a rear warning. But it will be listed as an extra 

[TallAndFriendly]

I think Range Rover drivers are utter bastards too ; they think they own the roads as well as the country

They're on the receiving end of an amusing campaign atm tyreextinguishers (there's a website and social media etc.)

[Squire Haggard]

They've even got a Facebook page.

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[advent2016]

A colleague was driving a couple of older ladies back from hospital to their homes and white van man tailgated me because he wasn't going fast enough for him, he overtook my m8 on the inside and gave him the wanker sign. Luckily, his vehicle like mine is festooned with cameras, and he sent the footage to the driver's HR (not that sort of HR) department.
They sent my m8 a very nice email and the ladies some cakes, and the van driver didn't get a happy ending.
We now have it pinned up in our mess, along with other white van wankers,

[Squire Haggard]

A colleague was driving a couple of older ladies back from hospital to their homes and white van man tailgated me because he wasn't going fast enough for him, he overtook my m8 on the inside and gave him the wanker sign. Luckily, his vehicle like mine is festooned with cameras, and he sent the footage to the driver's HR (not that sort of HR) department.
They sent my m8 a very nice email and the ladies some cakes, and the van driver didn't get a happy ending.
We now have it pinned up in our mess, along with other white van wankers,

Thanks for making my morning. 

[Blackpool Rock]

They've even got a Facebook page.

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While I agree that a lot of SUV drivers are probably a bunch of arrogant twats I still can't condone letting their tyres down and the group doing so are equally a bunch of cunts, additionally it's probably illegal 
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There's a whole load of other things they aren't factoring in here like if someone doesn't realise their tyres are flat and starts to drive the vehicle thereby damaging the tyres and causing £100's of damage, or if they then have an accidnet and someone gets hurt or even killed, a child on a bike perhaps 
What if the driver is a key worker and needs to get somewhere quick, a doctor / nurse or perhaps it's an unmarked emergency vehicle

[lillythesavage]

While I agree that a lot of SUV drivers are probably a bunch of arrogant twats I still can't condone letting their tyres down and the group doing so are equally a bunch of cunts, additionally it's probably illegal 
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There's a whole load of other things they aren't factoring in here like if someone doesn't realise their tyres are flat and starts to drive the vehicle thereby damaging the tyres and causing £100's of damage, or if they then have an accidnet and someone gets hurt or even killed, a child on a bike perhaps 
What if the driver is a key worker and needs to get somewhere quick, a doctor / nurse or perhaps it's an unmarked emergency vehicle

They would bring Essex to a standstill  .

Cunts V,s cunts as you say. Jealous cunts mostly, but this is what happens when the green lobby brainwash and create division.

[Blackpool Rock]

They would bring Essex to a standstill  .

Cunts V,s cunts as you say. Jealous cunts mostly, but this is what happens when the green lobby brainwash and create division.

Wonder what they do when they come across an electric 4x4   

One of those articles stated they didn't like 4x4's as they were the most polluting but what about the leccy versions, must give their vegan brains too much to think about 

 

[lillythesavage]

Wonder what they do when they come across an electric 4x4   

One of those articles stated they didn't like 4x4's as they were the most polluting but what about the leccy versions, must give their vegan brains too much to think about 

Is there any difference, they are still great big road blockers, and heavier too, some poor sod got to mine the dirty minerals for the batteries. 

[Blackpool Rock]

Is there any difference, they are still great big road blockers, and heavier too, some poor sod got to mine the dirty minerals for the batteries. 

I agree with you and have read articles about how they are heavier than the ICE versions so are heavier on tyre wear and damage to roads, there was an article on BBC sounds where they compared a more standard Vauxhall Corsa ICE and electric car and basically posed the question should someone sell their X year old ICE car and get a new electric version - Would it save them money and would it be more environmental 

A lot came down to how many miles you drive but they calculated the electric car needed to do around 360K miles before it became greener.

It all gets further complicated depending on whether you charge from the grid which still uses mainly fossil fuels or have solar panels on your roof etc but the simple fact is that "Green" vehicles aren't necessarily the magic bullet many claim they are but continue to claim they are to assuage their guilty conscience   

[lillythesavage]

I agree with you and have read articles about how they are heavier than the ICE versions so are heavier on tyre wear and damage to roads, there was an article on BBC sounds where they compared a more standard Vauxhall Corsa ICE and electric car and basically posed the question should someone sell their X year old ICE car and get a new electric version - Would it save them money and would it be more environmental 

A lot came down to how many miles you drive but they calculated the electric car needed to do around 360K miles before it became greener.

It all gets further complicated depending on whether you charge from the grid which still uses mainly fossil fuels or have solar panels on your roof etc but the simple fact is that "Green" vehicles aren't necessarily the magic bullet many claim they are but continue to claim they are to assuage their guilty conscience   

I mentioned this before, I sold a car to a guy with a new EV, he hated it so much he gave it to his wife, and said she rarely drives anyway  . He has bought a garage ornament he hates

Over the weekend I tried to talk him into another car, wanted the one I sold back  , but he told me he went to visit his sister in Kent, easily doable from Sutton in the EV, but that stayed at home.

You should really do your homework before buying an EV, not only if it suits you, but into shelf life, the carbon footprint of building it, if you want to be truly green, how far it needs to be shipped from build point, and how the required minerals are mined.

Will any last as long as the 19 year old Honda ?, that will last another 19, or more, cared for the way it has, you would have to be stupid to buy an EV without a comprehensive battery warranty, none of which cover accidental damage, I doubt your insurance would either.

I would not even bother arguing which is the long term, everything into consideration, greener car, the Honda beats his garage ornament all day long.

[Watts.E.Dunn]

Seeing that Gas is the main input power source to the grid it is questionable just how Green they really are?, yes of course no nasties out on the road in city streets as the main CO2 generation is done at the power station usually out in the sticks;!.

We have bugger all wind of late, Solar doesnt count for much, Nuclear is all down for maintence and refulling sod all is coming from France we're propping them up! French Hydro is buggered by lack of rain as is ours here, not that good really is it;?....