Ok so bare with me this is my first proper post on here, and even with hidden identities still a little embarrassing. I've not been able to tell anyone about it until now and this forum seems a good place to share.
So I met this girl about a year ago on aw, her first time in my area. Decide to book and then when I saw her all I could think was wow, and not only that but there was something about her I couldn't put my finger on but Intrigued me. Decided to book her again the next day and we spent most of the time just talking, kinda like the sex bit was the necessary transaction that needed to get out the way before we started to get to know each other, it seemed we just enjoyed being together and got the feeling as I left at the end of my time neither of us really wanted it to end.
So anw a few weeks go by and I decide to book her again as she was nearby. Booked for longer only this time I didn't even try to fuck her just wanted to get to know her better. Wasn't sure what it was about it, whether she was surprised a guy would come c her through this and not be after sex actually have an interest in her but she seemed, almost taken aback by it. Now by this point I'm not ashamed to admit I started developing feelings for her, but didn't seem right I just cut her off so I text her and told her I couldn't see her again. She said she had alot of fun with me and ask me not to make things awkward said she hopes to see me again soon.
So we started talking outside of this, and I kept coming to c her, all the while feeling bad that I'm paying a girl I like for a fuck, so I couldn't. Other shit started coming into the mix too. She even started trying not to take full whack off me. I wasn't sure why, way I saw it i paid for time didn't entitle me to anything anyway.
Eventually she starts proper opening up to me, telling me bout her family, how many kids she has issues with their dad and stuff from her past. Why she does the job that she hates it but doesn't feel she has a choice. And that while she's not against the idea of a relationship what she does makes her feel too dirty for that. At this point I'm head over heels for her but I couldn't put it into words I've never really had any serious feelings for anyone before, spent my life jumping between one night stand and sps. But I knew I felt something for her, didn't know how to say it, if she felt the same way or if she'd even believe me. So I left it.
My time starts getting extended, she starts missing appointments with other guys to spend more time with me. Im thinking this getting too weird so I try to cut her off, she calls me on it and I told I can't see her anymore I like her and it's too weird. She said we didn't have to stop seeing each other completely we can see each other outside of this she likes me too and doesn't want it to end. I wasn't sure I believed this and didn't wanna push it too much so I just book her again and she goes cold, we dont really talk much and she takes me to the room like I'm a normal punter. She goes down on me, but part way through I just tell her to stop and leave. Said I didn't wanna see her again, don't take anymore bookings. Instantly regretted it but nothing I could do at that point, or so I thought.
Bout a month later, I see her on and decide fuck it I wanna see her again so I use my work number to book and when I get there she was angry, but also seemed happy to see me again. I know I was. But then all the shit started.
We arranged to meet up privately (should of mentioned she worked for an agency), and she ended up mugging me for a grand. Now this did kinda piss me off but at the same time I can be a dick when I'm on shit and was kinda asking for it. Plus by this point I was fully in love with her.
So I contact her a few weeks later and she agrees to c me again. Now I'm fully aware of the deal, she says she likes me but can't see anyone outside the job and thought that would make it easier for me. It didn't, i didn't care tbh, she offered to pay me back I wouldn't take the money, tried not to charge me for the booking I wouldn't let her.
But I'm starting to get confused again. She claims she likes me but all we did was get fucked off our face, like we were both enabling each other. All I wanted to do was show her that I cared about her so I did what I thought she wanted but I was worried she just saw a junkie after a fix paying over the odds cuz he couldn't get any gear himself. And I was no longer sure if she was using me cuz I didn't make her do a job she hated. But I'd come to see her and she'd be in tears sometimes over what she had to do, I just thought I was comforting her, making things a little less shit for her.
I couldn't bring myself to ask her outright, but I needed to know where I stood. So I started causing issues with her boss, just to gauge her reaction.
We keep seeing each other, by now I've stopped seeing other girls completely. But still the same cycle, I see her we get fucked up I leave. I mentioned in passing a few times that I didn't wanna be doing this and she must think I'm just a junkie but she always said no this is what I want to do it's comforting and I like having someone to get wired with. I rarely gave any extra for that but figured as I wasn't getting what I was technically paying for the gear was part of the service and therefore included in the price. And she never once gave the impression she wanted me to chip in.
Eventually I cause one too many issues and they ban me. I spoke to her a few days later so knew it wasn't at her request. To begin with I was mad, felt she messed with my head and thought she got her boss to threaten me so I caused more shit to get back at her and see if they would do owt or whether they all mouth.
A few months go by and eventually I manage to c her again. Shes concerned, justified of course after everything but again she perked up like she was happy to c me. She makes it clear at the start no sex, but she was wearing a shirt half unbuttoned and no bra which I found really sexy so I tried to test it and she pushed me back saying I'm just there for a fuck and she still mad at me. I didn't really wanna do the gear again but she said it was comforting knowing she didn't have to do this shit. End of the night comes and she's asking if she'll see me again... I tell her if she wants to she will I've missed her and as I go to leave we hug and she says the next time we won't be getting fucked up.
The next week comes and I book. Shes wearing the same shirt from the week before that I liked but she's got friends round and she's already on the gear. She sits down starts sorting it out on a plate and says don't even try to tell me you don't wanna do any. So fine, I figure this what we're doing again no point half arsing it.
I proceed to get smashed off my face. Another one of her friends come round, they on about getting more. I didn't really want to but didn't feel I could say no, so reluctantly agreed. One of her friends asked me to chip in, I say no thinking as they know I've paid to be there it's a little cheeky asking tbh. Not knowing it was actually for her.
Anw, so a couple hours later she says she wants me to leave, says I always take the piss and I embarrassed her in front of her friends. I get a little upset ngl but go thinking wtf just happened lol.
Week goes past, I text her a few times and she eventually answers saying she wants me to leave her alone for good now I take the piss and embarrassed her. Turns out she did think I was just there for drugs.
I finally told her how I really feel, that I love her, how I only did the drugs cuz I thought that's what she wanted, that I felt bad paying for sex when I knew she hates having to do this and while I get it was a stupid thing to do all the shit I caused was to gauge how she felt. No1 would put up with shit I was doing if they didn't feel something for me.
I wouldn't mind even if I was being played. Her boss kept saying I was and I should just stop seeing her, it didn't bother me in the slightest, I never cared about the money. But I know she felt something for me too. Also pretty sure she's the only reason I'm still walking.
Thing is she doesn't believe how I feel, really does think I'm just a junkie. And I don't even blame her.
