Just how offensive can a fart be?

[LLPunting]

External Link/Members Only

(Audio) Samples as well as commentary welcome. 

[winkywanky]

Austria, the country that brought us Hitler 

[scutty brown]

I completely cleared a pub once with an eggy fart due to food poisoning.
It was so bad the landlady thought chemicals had been released and dialed 999........................full turnout by the emergency services.
As you can imagine, I said nothing.............I had no intention of getting arrested on suspicion of chemical terrorism

[LLPunting]

I completely cleared a pub once with an eggy fart due to food poisoning.
It was so bad the landlady thought chemicals had been released and dialed 999........................full turnout by the emergency services.
As you can imagine, I said nothing.............I had no intention of getting arrested on suspicion of chemical terrorism

So you're the one going by "Silent but Deadly" on Fortnite

[scutty brown]

So you're the one going by "Silent but Deadly" on Fortnite

Seriously, the whole pub emptied with everyone gagging and retching

[Bonker]

Is that how you got your profile name?

[winkywanky]

I completely cleared a pub once with an eggy fart due to food poisoning.
It was so bad the landlady thought chemicals had been released and dialed 999........................full turnout by the emergency services.
As you can imagine, I said nothing.............I had no intention of getting arrested on suspicion of chemical terrorism

Anyone remember the stink bombs from our youth? I'm talking 70s.

A small glass ampule of hydrogen sulphide-emitting fluid which could clear a small town 

[Moby Dick]

I love a good fart.
Take real pleasure in it.
But find it awkward holding it in on longer bookings.
Silent farts can be so deadly.
So either I have to leave the room, or stick to short bookings.
Should be grateful, farts curb my spending.
Who would have thought that 

[LLPunting]

I love a good fart.
Take real pleasure in it.
But find it awkward holding it in on longer bookings.
Silent farts can be so deadly.
So either I have to leave the room, or stick to short bookings.
Should be grateful, farts curb my spending.
Who would have thought that 

Holding in a fart can do wonders for withholding a cum.

You could always try to time a fart with one of her queefs.

[The Film Director]

But find it awkward holding it in on longer bookings.

I did have an SP let one go during a booking once - it was a duo they had a good laugh.  No nasal effect that I can remember, thankfully. 

[Boundless]

Seriously, the whole pub emptied with everyone gagging and retching

I'd find that side splittingly funny, but only if I'd done it.

My Mrs says I'm childish but there's not much about farting that I don't find very amusing.
My brother in law was telling me about a concert he went to in a cathedral that was being broadcast on local radio and just as the bishop was about to speak someone let out a rip snorter that reverberated around, I was crying with laughter when he told me. Still tickles me!

[B4bcock]

Danger time for me is during a firm massage when the girl puts one hand on top of the other and pushes down sharply in the lower back area.   No accidents so far, but I can envisage a time when it produces a fart or even, god help me, a shart.   

[Blackpool Rock]

Seriously, the whole pub emptied with everyone gagging and retching

Nice tactic, straight to the bar with no queuing 

[winkywanky]

You could always try to time a fart with one of her queefs.

...and then blame her for having a smelly fanny.

[spiralnotebook]

Anyone remember the stink bombs from our youth? I'm talking 70s.

A small glass ampule of hydrogen sulphide-emitting fluid which could clear a small town

Still got a box, a science besed education has its uses 

We used to mess about with some stuff called `Shit in a can` which was a small aerosol, Jesus it was evil, it literally smelt like fresh cat shit, I almost involuntarily gag even now thinking of the vile stuff.

[winkywanky]

We used to mess about with some stuff called `Shit in a can` which was a small arsehole, Jesus it was evil, it literally smelt like fresh cat shit, I almost involuntarily gag even now thinking of the vile stuff.

Whose arsehole was it then? 

[Blackpool Rock]

Still got a box, a science besed education has its uses 

We used to mess about with some stuff called `Shit in a can` which was a small aerosol, Jesus it was evil, it literally smelt like fresh cat shit, I almost involuntarily gag even now thinking of the vile stuff.

Bought something from the joke shop when I was a kid called stinkeroo, it looked like a pencil lead and was about 8mm long and you pushed it in the end of a cigarette.
Once the fag was lit this thing then also burned and stank the house to high heaven, my mum whose fag it had been put in thought there was something wrong with it but having drawn whatever this chemical shit was into her lungs she started retching and gagging 
Once she'd recovered and realised me and my sister were laughing about it then it was obvious we'd been responsible, I recall having to open all the doors and windows but even 4 hours later there was still a trace smell

[King Nuts]

According to this: External Link/Members Only

..farting is a very important part of Scottish life.

Maybe David1970 and Willie Loman could confirm..?

[winkywanky]

According to this: External Link/Members Only

..farting is a very important part of Scottish life.

Maybe David1970 and Willie Loman could confirm..?

Writing from beyond the grave as I am, can I just say I completely forgot about writing that one!

[tynetunnel]

Just ordering this:


External Link/Members Only

[Bonker]

I always leave a fart in the bathroom after a 'negative review' punt.

[Moby Dick]

Save it for the lift on the way out for the imminent next guy.

[redveee]

My diet currently is producing some strong odours, I put it down to Tesco Finest Coleslaw  The longest fart I let loose was after I had a camera down my throat and some samples taken for Coeliac disease which came back negative. During the procedure the Doctor said she needed to open up my gut a little so added some air, as I left things started to work and as I got into the lift, luckily solo, I let loose and the fart lasted a good ten seconds, as my gut was empty it was just a release of air.

[Ali Katt]

My diet currently is producing some strong odours, I put it down to Tesco Finest Coleslaw  The longest fart I let loose was after I had a camera down my throat and some samples taken for Coeliac disease which came back negative. During the procedure the Doctor said she needed to open up my gut a little so added some air, as I left things started to work and as I got into the lift, luckily solo, I let loose and the fart lasted a good ten seconds, as my gut was empty it was just a release of air.

Avoid Baxter's French Onion soup, I even disgusted myself with that one. My flatmate at the times response was "fucking hell".

[Blackpool Rock]

Avoid Baxter's French Onion soup, I even disgusted myself with that one. My flatmate at the times response was "fucking hell".

My mate ate a shed load of dried apricots once and a few hours later couldn't stop farting, it fucking reeked of proper egg 
Apparently some of them use sulphur dioxide to dry them so i'm guessing in large quantities this can have quite an effect

[threechilliman]

Just let me ask the wife....

[Nigel57]

My diet currently is producing some strong odours, I put it down to Tesco Finest Coleslaw  The longest fart I let loose was after I had a camera down my throat and some samples taken for Coeliac disease which came back negative. During the procedure the Doctor said she needed to open up my gut a little so added some air, as I left things started to work and as I got into the lift, luckily solo, I let loose and the fart lasted a good ten seconds, as my gut was empty it was just a release of air.

I have coeliac disease and I can confirm that when I'm not on a gluten free diet my farts are horrendous. At university, before I was diagnosed, the guys I shared a house with used to complain about the stench I left in the bathroom, I thought it was just normal and they were just taking the piss. I feel sorry for them now I know.