Author Topic: The Joke Thread  (Read 434928 times)


Offline notcalledchris

You know some blokes like long thin legs on a bird whilst others prefer strong powerful thighs,  well I prefer something in-between.

Offline mr.bluesky

A terrible accident happened at the Nestle factory yesterday when a heavy crate full of chocolate fell from a high rack onto a worker causing him to be trapped for hours. Apparently every time he shouted " the milky bars are on me" everyone just cheered.

Offline WARSZAWA16

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I tried some old Viagra but they didn't work.
Seems they were past their swell by date.
« Last Edit: September 18, 2026, 09:49:30 am by WARSZAWA16 »

Offline WDFORTE

What do you call a Lesbian on fire?

LGBBQ

Offline WARSZAWA16

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I was going to tell you a joke about Evri but you probably wouldn't get it

Offline timsussex

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 I THOUGHT MY WIFE WAS CHEATING .but  I WAS DEAD WRONG

I came home early and walked in on my wife having coffee with another guy in our kitchen.I LOST IT. I started yelling and swearing

She just stayed calm and said, "Don't you dare raise your voice at me. He's not here for me. He's here for YOU."

I yelled back, "For ME? Stop lying, you cheater! I don't even know this guy!"

She looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Oh really? Then let me introduce you. This is Dave - your girlfriend's husband."

Offline WARSZAWA16

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My Dad told me he once bought a car from Krays.
I said, "What reg?"
He said,"No, Ronnie."

Offline Frostingthebowl

Two peanuts were walking down the road.

One was asalted.


Offline timsussex

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 Bill was cruising down a country road on his motorbike when a deer darted out in front of him. He swerved, lost control, and ended up in a ditch. Luckily, he wasn’t badly hurt—just a little dazed.

A shiny BMW pulled up alongside, and out stepped an absolutely stunning woman.
“Are you OK?” she asked.
Bill rubbed his head. “I banged it a bit, but I think I’m fine.”
“Don’t be silly,” she said. “Jump in my car—I’m a nurse. I’ll patch you up, and you can warm up at my place just a couple miles away.”
Bill hesitated. “That’s really kind, but my wife wouldn’t be happy if I went home with a strange woman.”
The nurse smiled. “Nonsense! You could have a serious injury. I insist.”

So, Bill gave in, climbed into the BMW, and off they went. At her house, she cleaned his wound, bandaged him up, and even offered him a cold beer.
“I really shouldn’t,” said Bill. “My wife won’t like it.”
“Don’t be daft,” she laughed. “You’ve had a shock. A beer will calm you down.”
So Bill had the beer. Then she offered him another.
He shook his head. “Honestly, I'd better not. My wife REALLY won’t like it.”

Rolling her eyes, she asked, “Why do you keep worrying about your wife? Where is she, anyway?”
Bill took a sip of his beer, shrugged, and said:
“As far as I know… she’s still in the ditch.”

Offline WARSZAWA16

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Just tried some Fred Flintstone after shave.
It's super concentrated; a little dab'll do.

I've got some after shave called Crumbs.
It attracts all the Birds.
« Last Edit: September 22, 2026, 08:21:08 pm by WARSZAWA16 »


Offline WARSZAWA16

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Gloria Gaynor invited 6 people to dinner,  but one didn't turn up.
"Never mind, " she said, "I will serve five."

Subtitles can be dangerous.
There's a programme on telly advising pensioners to put their savings into Isis.
« Last Edit: September 24, 2026, 10:09:10 am by WARSZAWA16 »

Offline WARSZAWA16

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How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
One of the many questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse....





Offline timsussex

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A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. The went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!" The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."

Offline mr.bluesky

Sitting at home last night I heard a very loud bang, I got up out my chair and looked out of the window, fireworks going off, fireworks for fucks sake ! Who lets fireworks off in October. The bang was so bloody loud it made my dog jump out of his skin, nearly knocked me christmas tree over.



Offline sadolddeejay


I used to enjoy fisting WGs on a regular basis but now I only do it now and again - just to keep my hand in.


Offline timsussex

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There were three girls who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl...

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile...

Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method"...

the counselor said, "just make sure you keep a good record"...

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said..

Again he said, "just don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." The councilor had no idea what to say so just wished her good luck.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going...

They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet...

Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby"...

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby"...

He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you"...?

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him"...

Offline WARSZAWA16

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In the bookies today a tiny man collapsed and had to be rushed to hospital.
I called to see how he was and they said he was a little better.


Offline Stevelondon


Offline Stevelondon

Should be in the obituary thread…….. my apologies.

Article from the Melbourne Herald.
“A man was killed in a shark attack yesterday. His young distressed wife saying they were on their honeymoon. Paramedics at the scene reported he would not have suffered to long as he had only been married four days”


Online Doc Holliday

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Very poor taste perhaps, but must confess I chuckled.

Offline Watts.E.Dunn

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Offline DastardlyDick


Offline Stevelondon

Like every good joke………. It’s in the execution


Ok Ok.     I’ll get me 🧥





Offline myothernameis

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Too soon  :D

The Tiger said, that's in bad taste, but at least he wont be  doing that again  :sarcastic:

Offline Waterhouse

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Too soon  :D
Not at all… Darwin Awards candidates should be highlight as soon as possible.

Offline Stevelondon

Not at all… Darwin Awards candidates should be highlight as soon as possible.


Just in case 🤷🏼


The Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who remove themselves from the gene pool through extraordinary, self-inflicted foolishness


Offline Chooser

Not funny and hugely disrespectful to those of a certain age.  :thumbsdown:




Offline myothernameis

Not funny and hugely disrespectful to those of a certain age.  :thumbsdown:

Its a joke page  :sarcastic: :sarcastic:

Offline Bustydusty

Not funny and hugely disrespectful to those of a certain age.  :thumbsdown:
Ffs it’s a joke