Author Topic: The Joke Thread  (Read 404177 times)

Online mr.bluesky

« Last Edit: August 11, 2026, 07:28:20 am by mr.bluesky »

Offline WARSZAWA16

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Doctor asked me to describe my typical day.
"Today I walked 4 miles, waded through 3 lakes, pushed through dense woods, and got sand in my shoes from treading sand."
"So, you're the outdoors type?"
Me, "No, just rubbish at golf."



Offline WARSZAWA16

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My new girlfriend is a bit weird.
Rather than having sex she prefers to stimulate me with her key ring.
She has promised me normal sex but I think she's just fobbing me off.


Offline webpunter

Have you got a copy of Fly Fishing by Jason Arday?

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Now look what you've gone & done  :D


Online mr.bluesky

Crikey, when that alarm went off it nearly made me drop the molotov cocktail I was carrying

Offline Waterhouse

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Offline WARSZAWA16

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This must be a very worrying time for someone who's dumped a body in a reservoir.....


Offline webpunter

This must be a very worrying time for someone who's dumped a body in a reservoir.....

 :lol:
I like your lateral thinking

Offline standardpostage

Crikey, when that alarm went off it nearly made me drop the molotov cocktail I was carrying
:)

Offline timsussex

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Boy: "Do you want to play the fire engine game?"

Girl: "How do you play that?"

Boy: "My fingers are the fire engine and I drive up your legs. You say 'Red light!' when you want me to stop."

Girl: "Okay, let's play."

After a few seconds...

Girl: "Red light!"

Boy: "Fire engines don't stop for red lights."




Offline WARSZAWA16

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I've only just set up an exaggeration club, and
already have over 10 million members.



Offline WARSZAWA16

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If you think I'm obsessed with Supertramp, you should take a look at my girlfriend.


Online mr.bluesky

If you think I'm obsessed with Supertramp, you should take a look at my girlfriend.

Is she the only one you got  :D

Offline WARSZAWA16

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The first sign of madness is seeing Suggs walking up your garden path.
The second sign is wearing baggy trousers.

Offline mh

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Is she the only one you got  :D

I think I know her - not much of a girlfriend.

Offline Glesgaboy

The first sign of madness is seeing Suggs walking up your garden path.
The second sign is wearing baggy trousers.
😅
Oh what fun we had.

Offline WARSZAWA16

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My grandfather was a baker in the army.
When the enemy attacked, he came out with all buns glazing.

Offline WARSZAWA16

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Dolly Parton is no longer speaking to her bra fitter,  after the pair fell out.

Offline Jonestown

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Q What did the banana say to the vibrator ?

A I don’t know why you’re shaking, she’s going to eat me.

Offline standardpostage

Dolly Parton is no longer speaking to her bra fitter,  after the pair fell out.
:)  :)  two smiley's for this joke.

Offline WARSZAWA16

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I rang the toy shop and asked if they had the game Operation.
They said yes, but there's a 3 year waiting list.

The boss of Dulux paints has been found dead
at the summit of Mount Snowdon suffering from hypothermia.
A spokesman for North Wales Ambulance Service said;
"I think he could have done with another coat"

Offline Xtro

Just found a rare copy of Fly Fishing by J R Arday.   :rolleyes:

Offline DastardlyDick

Just found a rare copy of Fly Fishing by J R Arday.   :rolleyes:
It was actually published in 1991 - Authored by angling expert Michael Russell, he changed the name from "Fly fishing: Memories of Angling Days" to cash in on the Yellow Pages ads. It sold 130,000 copies and was the Christmas Best Seller that year.

Offline webpunter

The boss of Dulux paints has been found dead
at the summit of Mount Snowdon suffering from hypothermia.
A spokesman for North Wales Ambulance Service said;
"I think he could have done with another coat"

Spurs announced Dulux as a commercial sponsor
Various suggestions including ⬇️ to which Dulux replied  :lol: :yahoo: :hi:

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Offline WARSZAWA16

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I'm taking my girlfriend to Florida.
I'm going to Tampa with her.

Offline WARSZAWA16

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I came downstairs this morning and the wife said she wanted me to "make love to her in the kitchen"
Happy Days, what brought this on I asked as I stripped off.
The egg timer is broken she replied.

Offline Jonestown

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Q: How many dead people does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s not eight because my basement is still in darkness.

Online Derrick101

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I came downstairs this morning and the wife said she wanted me to "make love to her in the kitchen"
Happy Days, what brought this on I asked as I stripped off.
The egg timer is broken she replied.

She likes a really runny egg then ?

Offline timsussex

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An old cowboy goes into a barbershop for a haircut and shave.

He tells the barber he has trouble getting a clean shave because his cheeks are wrinkled with age.

The barber pulls a small wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and says, “Put this inside your cheek. It’ll stretch the skin and make it easier to shave.”

The cowboy does as he’s told, and the barber gives him the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

As he’s leaving, the cowboy asks, “What would happen if I accidentally swallowed that little ball?”

The barber thinks for a moment and says, “Just bring it back in a couple of days, like everyone else does.”

Online mr.bluesky

Q: How many dead people does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s not eight because my basement is still in darkness.

I saw my mate who only has one arm carrying a lightbulb. I said to him " thats going to be hard for you to change" " No it isn't you cunt" he replied " I've still got the receipt"