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Author Topic: The joke thread  (Read 159618 times)

Offline Jonestown

URGENT - GLASGOW EARTHQUAKE APPEAL


At 00.54 on Thursday 16th May a major earthquake hit measuring 4.8 on the richter scale epicentered on Glasgow.

Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: "Ah wiz sh*ttin' masel", "Ah need some jellies".

The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Untold disruption and distress was caused:

* Many were woken well before their giro arrived.
* Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish costas were damaged.
* Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
* The cone fell off the head of the statue outside the Modern Art Gallery.
* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Glasgow.
* One resident, Mary-Alice McGregor, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chelsea came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Shauni slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
* Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
* The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of buckfast to the area to help the stricken masses.
* Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

Clothing is most sought after. Items required include:
- Sovvy rings
- Baseball caps
- Shell suits
- Tesco two stripe trainers
- White socks
- Chunky gold chains

Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:

- Faggots and Buckfast
- Grey Peas and Buckfast
- Pork Scratchings and Buckfast
- Tripe and Onions and Buckfast
- "Pigs Blood Pud" and Buckfast
- Fray Bentos Pies and Buckfast

* £2 buys chips, scraps and ginger for a family of four.
* £10 can take a family to Coatbridge for the day, where children can sniff glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles.
* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.

Offline WARSZAWA16

Just bought a CD:
'Hayfever Songs.'
By Peter Pollen Mary.






Offline WARSZAWA16

I'm playing cricket against my local fish & chip shop later.
Their fielders and bowlers aren't that good, but their batter is brilliant.


Offline Jonestown

My personal trainer recommended that I should try walking uphill carrying a grandfather clock, but I have neither the time nor the inclination.




Offline Steve2


Online mr.bluesky

Unless you watch "Backroom casting" on Pornhub, you may not get this one  :lol:

 :thumbsup: glad you cleared that up otherwise I wouldn't have a clue  :unknown:

Offline Jonestown

An oldie but a goodie:

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer b**bs, ya penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says,
"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya f**king little w**kers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough.


Wine has the unfortunate effect of making people think they are clever, whereas beer is not a deceiver.



Online mr.bluesky

My Grandad had his tongue shot off during WW2 but he doesn't talk about it.

After 15 years of marriage my wife is still upset with me using her tooth brush.
 If any one else knows how to get dog shit off my trainers I'm all ears.

I said to my wife the other day how about tonight we change positions.  OK she said, "you stand behind the ironing board and I'll sit on the sofa, drinking beer, belching and watching football."
« Last Edit: May 21, 2024, 11:30:54 am by mr.bluesky »








Offline Stevelondon

It’s those sort of images above that confuse me.
You just never see any snow and fir trees around when Jesus is in a picture.



Offline WARSZAWA16

A bloke came to the pub last night dressed in a black top, black shorts and a whistle.
I said to my mate, "It's going to kick off in a minute!"

What's long and hard and makes women groan?
An Ironing Board!

« Last Edit: May 22, 2024, 07:20:17 pm by WARSZAWA16 »



Offline Bonker




Offline Jonestown

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her along with a £10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."


Offline notcalledchris

I pulled my cock out of this fat girl's arse, then she turned over, spread her legs revealing her sweaty, hairy minge, and said, "Are you going to eat that?" "Your pussy?" I asked, disgusted. "No, that," she replied, pointing at the sweetcorn on my knob


Online timsussex

You cannot use Beef Stew as a password
It's not Stroganoff

I shouted at my son  "Stop wanking You'll go blind"
he replied "Dad I'm over here"

Offline standardpostage

I met a Thai girl the other day,
I said , whats your name ?
she said B,
I said, I meant your whole name !
she said vagina  :)

Offline Doormatt

I met a Thai girl the other day,
I said , whats your name ?
she said B,
I said, I meant your whole name !
she said vagina  :)

Someone help.i don't get it !

Offline Derrick101

« Last Edit: May 27, 2024, 07:46:37 am by Derrick101 »

Offline standardpostage

Someone help.i don't get it !
Some Thai girls are called Bee, or have names that just sound like letters of the alphabet.

The man meant her whole name, for instance Bee Boonya. Bee = first name, Boonya = surname.

She thought, he meant her name for a vagina ( a hole)  :hi:

Offline Thephoenix





Online timsussex

great summing up of the upcoming election

Knowing that Sunak will be replaced by Starmer is like being in a hospital children's ward and being told today's visit by Jimmy Saville has been cancelled - only to hear the sound of a digeridoo in the corridor !

Offline catweazle

Took the missus on a safari trip.

She said: " look at that big flock of elephants"

"Herd" I said.

"Herd of what?" she said.

"Herd of elephants"

"Of course I've heard of elephants, theres a big flock of them over there!"