Author Topic: The Joke Thread (Read 366086 times)

Iloveoral · « **Reply #3150 on:** February 03, 2024, 03:20:07 pm »

Quote from: catweazle on February 02, 2024, 06:32:17 pm

A man is sat in bed next to his wife, and is engrossed in a book.

She looks at him, and asks "Do you want to have sex tonight?"

Without taking his eyes away from the book, he replies "No."

A few minutes later, she asks him again "Are you sure you don't want sex tonight?"

Again, still without looking away from the book, he answers "No, I don't ".

She says " In that case why do you keep fingering me?"

"Helps me turn the page."

An old Chubby brown joke

akauya · « **Reply #3151 on:** February 03, 2024, 10:26:59 pm »

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badsin · « **Reply #3152 on:** February 04, 2024, 12:56:11 am »

A group of six year olds are in a maths class.
"If there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Billy puts his hand up. "None Miss." he answers, "The others would fly away."
"The correct answer is 4 Billy but I like the way you think." laughs the teacher.
"Ok then Miss, I've got a question for you." says Billy.
"There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. One's licking, one's biting and one's sucking. Which woman's married."
"The one sucking?" answers the teacher nervously.
"Actually, it's the one with the wedding ring on." says Billy.
"But I like the way you think."

Ali Katt · « **Reply #3153 on:** February 04, 2024, 10:26:56 am »

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standardpostage · « **Reply #3154 on:** February 06, 2024, 09:25:50 am »

Bought some Pringles the other day.
They tasted really horrible

My friend said " you're supposed to wear them, not eat them"

myothernameis · « **Reply #3155 on:** February 06, 2024, 03:10:04 pm »

Have you tried

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badsin · « **Reply #3156 on:** February 06, 2024, 06:36:36 pm »

Quote from: myothernameis on February 06, 2024, 03:10:04 pm

Have you tried

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Promotional advert External Link/Members Only

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3157 on:** February 06, 2024, 11:52:37 pm »

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catweazle · « **Reply #3158 on:** February 07, 2024, 08:25:03 am »

I took poo bags with me when I took the dog for a walk last night.

My wife hates it when I call her that.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3159 on:** February 07, 2024, 11:06:30 am »

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akauya · « **Reply #3160 on:** February 07, 2024, 11:10:39 am »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on February 07, 2024, 11:06:30 am

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that would be Mrs A!!

mh · « **Reply #3161 on:** February 07, 2024, 11:11:07 am »

Quote from: akauya on February 07, 2024, 11:10:39 am

that would be Mrs A!!

And Mrs mh.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3162 on:** February 07, 2024, 11:11:22 am »

With apologies to Kenny Rogers.

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akauya · « **Reply #3163 on:** February 07, 2024, 11:14:54 am »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3164 on:** February 07, 2024, 11:15:09 am »

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pbrown355 · « **Reply #3165 on:** February 07, 2024, 11:17:14 am »

Saw it coming but still funny

Steely Dan · « **Reply #3166 on:** February 09, 2024, 11:37:22 am »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3167 on:** February 09, 2024, 04:55:08 pm »

I have just had some great financial news today.
The African boy I have been sponsoring has been eaten by a lion.

I once knew a King who was 12 inches tall.
Terrible King, excellent ruler.

When I was baptised the Vicar wore a fake moustache, nose and glasses.
It was a blessing in disguise.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3168 on:** February 09, 2024, 05:13:22 pm »

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webpunter · « **Reply #3169 on:** February 09, 2024, 09:47:13 pm »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on February 09, 2024, 04:55:08 pm

I have just had some great financial news today.
The African boy I have been sponsoring has been eaten by a lion.

That is sooo bad
Who was the contestant from BGT who was threatened with being deported ?
Someone posted dont worry if you are missing her you'll soon be able to sponsor her for £3 a month

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3170 on:** February 12, 2024, 11:07:11 am »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3171 on:** February 12, 2024, 11:24:22 am »

Apparently anyone can come.

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StingRay · « **Reply #3172 on:** February 12, 2024, 01:04:21 pm »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on February 12, 2024, 11:24:22 am

Apparently anyone can come.

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Multiple times in an hour even!

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3173 on:** February 12, 2024, 01:45:52 pm »

Tunnock's involvement in the American space programme is very underplayed.

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3174 on:** February 12, 2024, 03:51:22 pm »

Booked a table for two for Valentines day. I can’t wait to see her face.

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Henry767 · « **Reply #3175 on:** February 12, 2024, 05:18:53 pm »

« Reply #3167 on: February 09, 2024, 04:55:08 pm »
Quote
I have just had some great financial news today.
The African boy I have been sponsoring has been eaten by a lion.

This is why supporting clean water charities for Africa is so important : purification by reverse osmosis could have saved this child's life...

It produces de-lionised water!

StingRay · « **Reply #3176 on:** February 12, 2024, 07:40:56 pm »

These "jokes" are NOT funny and in very poor taste!

standardpostage · « **Reply #3177 on:** February 12, 2024, 09:02:38 pm »

Quote from: StingRay on February 12, 2024, 07:40:56 pm

These "jokes" are NOT funny and in very poor taste!

Which jokes ?

Iloveoral · « **Reply #3178 on:** February 12, 2024, 09:03:51 pm »

Quote from: StingRay on February 12, 2024, 07:40:56 pm

These "jokes" are NOT funny and in very poor taste!

I’d probably recommend not reading this thread if you are offended matey, some jokes can be a little close to the bone but within the limits.

chrishornx · « **Reply #3179 on:** February 12, 2024, 09:05:32 pm »

Quote from: standardpostage on February 12, 2024, 09:02:38 pm

Which jokes ?

the one about Tunnocks?

timsussex · « **Reply #3180 on:** February 12, 2024, 09:08:15 pm »

4 people have been taken to hospital after eating Lasagne containing horse meat

They will recover but they have a bad case of the trots !

webpunter · « **Reply #3181 on:** February 12, 2024, 09:29:02 pm »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on February 12, 2024, 03:51:22 pm

Booked a table for two for Valentines day. I can’t wait to see her face.

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mr.bluesky · « **Reply #3182 on:** February 12, 2024, 09:38:11 pm »

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webpunter · « **Reply #3183 on:** February 12, 2024, 11:38:48 pm »

Quote from: mr.bluesky on February 12, 2024, 09:38:11 pm

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3184 on:** February 12, 2024, 11:49:13 pm »

Taking grandad for a pint in 2050.

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3185 on:** February 13, 2024, 10:12:14 am »

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WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3186 on:** February 13, 2024, 10:13:06 am »

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akauya · « **Reply #3187 on:** February 13, 2024, 10:52:32 am »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on February 13, 2024, 10:13:06 am

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Love it

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3188 on:** February 13, 2024, 03:16:23 pm »

I can't believe it's pancake day already.
It's really creped up on us this year.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #3189 on:** February 13, 2024, 03:16:59 pm »

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catweazle · « **Reply #3190 on:** February 13, 2024, 03:38:42 pm »

It's Valetines Day tomorrow. I'm hoping I get a card from Moonpig.

My wife hates it when I call her that

akauya · « **Reply #3191 on:** February 13, 2024, 07:12:06 pm »

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mr.bluesky · « **Reply #3192 on:** February 13, 2024, 08:18:39 pm »

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Doc Holliday · « **Reply #3193 on:** February 13, 2024, 09:08:25 pm »

Quote from: akauya on February 13, 2024, 07:12:06 pm

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Clever that

RandomGuy99 · « **Reply #3194 on:** February 14, 2024, 08:27:10 am »

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mr.bluesky · « **Reply #3195 on:** February 14, 2024, 08:42:25 am »

Quote from: RandomGuy99 on February 14, 2024, 08:27:10 am

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Am I missing something here, what's the joke

chrishornx · « **Reply #3196 on:** February 14, 2024, 09:14:24 am »

Quote from: mr.bluesky on February 14, 2024, 08:42:25 am

Am I missing something here, what's the joke

not sur eI see it either

maybe it is to do with just blokes looking for a card no women ?

RandomGuy99 · « **Reply #3197 on:** February 14, 2024, 09:23:29 am »

Quote from: chrishornx on February 14, 2024, 09:14:24 am

not sur eI see it either

maybe it is to do with just blokes looking for a card no women ?

Well it's Valentine's Day, so all the men are looking cluelessly at the Valentine's cards trying to decide which one to buy. The flower sales at the petrol stations must be peaking today.

Waterhouse · « **Reply #3198 on:** February 14, 2024, 09:44:44 am »

Isn’t that Jason Statham at the front? Looks lime him from that angle.

daviemac · « **Reply #3199 on:** February 14, 2024, 09:47:41 am »

Quote from: RandomGuy99 on February 14, 2024, 09:23:29 am

Well it's Valentine's Day, so all the men are looking cluelessly at the Valentine's cards trying to decide which one to buy. The flower sales at the petrol stations must be peaking today.

That's what the majority of blokes with partners do around Valentines day, nothing unusual or funny to me.

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Author Topic: The Joke Thread (Read 366086 times)