External Link/Members Only225 Ferndale Road, Swindon
1 hour incall massage + HR, £40 + £20
Communication: by voice - easy, straightforward, unnecessary. I rang to book an appointment, because that's what the website asks punters to do; but when I reached the place and went inside, it was obvious that I'd hit a quiet time and hadn't needed to book in advance.
Location: proper commercial premises with own front door etc. at the address given above and on the website. Easy to find, perhaps less easy to park. There are some nearby on-road spaces, but I chose to park about a hundred metres away in a free public car park.
By the way, for discretion extremists or obsessive route-planners who use Streetview for research: yes, the front door for 225 Ferndale Road is indeed blatantly in Whitehouse Road.
Inside, it looks like many Chinese massage shops: reception desk where you fork over the massage-only readies, then someone shows you to one of the rooms and leaves you to strip. In that room, you'll encounter a massage table, a wash basin, a shower cubicle, and one small chair. The lighting will be turned down so low that you can only just make out the printed sign that says something like "This is a non-sexual service" - if you can read it at all beneath the patina of dried-on bodily fluids that some of the more energetic participants of the thousands of previous "non-sexual" encounters have sprayed (inadvertently or otherwise) over that sign.
Accessibility: Fairly straightforward, even in a full-on powered chair. No steps or slopes, except the uneven roads and pavements in that area of Swindon. Inside the shop, it's all accessible and at least one of the work rooms is on the ground floor. Only slight caveat is that the unnecessarily cramped configuration inside the work rooms suggests that they don't get many customers who are entirely non-ambulant, so if that's you then you might have to give them a bit of guidance.
AppearanceMy masseuse was short, dumpy, shapeless and on the bigger numbers side of forty. She was no looker, but I had anticipated as much and didn't care, because I was there to be massaged, groped and wanked, and I was going to be face-down a lot of the time anyway. Nevertheless, those punters who insist on having young and beautiful girls might be disappointed, depending on who's on the rota.
PersonalityDon't know her name: she didn't tell me and I didn't ask. She was guardedly friendly, but prickly, I thought. Her English was poor, so despite both of us making at least a BIT of an effort to chat, we didn't really exchange any information on any subject.
ServicesCFNM sensual massage, HR
Thingy's relaxing massage was good and I enjoyed it. She used quite a lot of oil, which I like but some don't.
Despite the "professional" and "no sexual service" sign on the wall, Ms Whoever was gently but unmistakably touching me up within sixty seconds of the massage starting, and that suited me just fine. Regrettably, her continued occasional slide of hand along naughty bits was very tentative. I'd have preferred the "You want special service?" question to be asked much sooner, so that we could incorporate some decent cc swipes, reachunders/reacharounds and other blatant groping techniques into the session as soon as possible. As it was, proper genital stimulation didn't really start until turn-over time.
I think she was surprised that I opted for HR only, for twenty pounds, instead of ponying up forty for the full-on "tits out for the lads" and "grab hold of this, big boy" etc. (For an explanation of my choice, see "Appearance" and "Personality" above.)
The HR itself involved a slightly unusual technique, with a lot of very gentle fluttering finger-contact all over my shaft and balls. She did revert to the more conventional (and more vigorous) oily wankage when we jointly (?) agreed that it was time for me to cum. Broadly speaking, her handwork gets about 7 out of 10. Maybe 8.
Oh, nearly forgot: no, she didn't want any touching at all of her by me. No problem, 'cos I was paying her to use her hands on me, not the other way around.
During the sessionNo interruptions.
Almost no distractions, although sound travels very readily from reception to the workroom and presumably just as readily from the room to reception.
Gave me her full attention throughout, despite occasionally quite loud activity outside the room.
Some minor clock-watching, but I didn't feel at all rushed so I let it go.
After we finishedAfter the HR, there was quite a lot more time remaining than Wossname must have thought (or hoped). To her credit, after she cleaned her hands, my abdomen, the ceiling etc. (yeah, right, at my stage in life) she was straight in with more relaxing massage of non-dangly parts. I had the impression that she might have re-done those, too, had I demonstrated any interest, but I couldn't. Even so, the continued massage was good.
SummaryPros: proper shop entrance etc., easy to find, safe, no confusion about which door and none of that ludicrous "here's the post code, once you arrive I'll muck you about for another twenty minutes by refusing to tell you the fucking house or apartment number" one gets from indies; available at short notice; clean and tidy venue; no interruptions; pleasant relaxing massage; good hand technique; affordable if you don't go for all the extras
Cons: possible concerns about discretion because I bet everyone within a fifty-yard radius has had the place under surveillance ever since it opened; potentially tricky parking; girl might not be remotely good-looking (depending on who's on duty); "no touch"; better (YMMV) alternatives very nearby
Hand-wringing self-justificationFirst hand-wave: this is a long and detailed review of what for many punters is likely to be very tame and vanilla, to the point of not justifying such precision. However, it's the sort of thing many newbies will start with and I thought they might benefit from a spot of Gradgrindian factage.
Second hand-wave: This is also a borderline neutral, to my way of thinking; but I've stuck with "positive" because the good aspects outweigh the bad, again with newbies in mind.
