£90 for one hour.
External Link/Members OnlyWithout hyperbole, this was not only the worst punt of my life but quite possibly the most horrendous time of my life so far. Happened at the start of the year.
I know, I know. I should have done my research, but I didn't.
I was thinking with my cock. Plans A - Y let me down so I was left with Plan Z. I took a chance and it didn't work out in a big way.
I now know this lady has been reviewed on similar terms before. Lesson learned.
Communication I saw the profile on AW and called. Was answered straight away, the lady could see me as requested at 4pm. I also mentioned a certain type of outfit and enquired about a shower. Both were "no problem" apparently.
Said she would text me the address and she did right after the call. Nice as pie on the phone which led me to think maybe this won't be so bad.
MeetArrived at the address on time and texted her to say I'm here. Got a msg back saying she was running 15mins late. Annoying as I was on a tight schedule and had rescheduled various things to make it here but politely replied that this was fine.
Just after 20 mins, I got a msg saying she was ready. I called her for the address and she directed me to a flat in Sinclair Gardens, just off Gorgie Road. The area seemed nice enough and she maintained her pleasant facade on the phone.
She opened the door into a deliberately poorly lit hallway and bedroom. I'm all for candles and soft lighting but I feel this was a step too far.
Girl It's definitely the girl in the pictures, the size on the profile says 14-16 which is perhaps a tad optimistic. Size 18 is more like it. Big natural breasts and long blonde hair as shown in pictures.
Without wanting to be cruel, but this really is the best description of her, she's like Fiona from Shrek. Except not as nice!
PuntI was ushered into a small bedroom with a massage table and some sort of bed, although a slab with a cheap mattress is a more apt description.
She immediately stuck her hand out and said "the money." No "hello, how are you" or pleasantries of any sort. Just straight up demanded the money. I knew it was going to be downhill from here and had I not come with full balls, I would have left.
Regrettably I handed over the money and she asked me to get undressed. I asked about the shower and she visibly scowled and groaned. There was no attempt to hide her disgust. She reluctantly showed me to the shower room and made it clear this was to be quick and would be deducted from my time. Fair enough.
She turned the shower on and left. I got in and the water had barely touched my skin before she burst back in shouting "Are you not done yet?" She then left and I could hear her outside carrying on with her tirade "Fuck sake, this guys taking the piss." If I had been in the shower room for more than 10 seconds, I'd be surprised. Seriously.
If I hadn't given her the money, I would have taken a big shit in her bath and left. But as she had the money, I was determined to give her my load one way or another.
I immediately switched off the shower and began to dry myself. She burst back in saying "this isn't your fucking morning shower, mate. You should have showered before you came. You're being so disrespectful" At this point, it had perhaps only been about 45 seconds since I first entered the bathroom.
I tried to explain that:
1. She told me a shower was fine and it had barely been a minute;
2. I came straight from work so showering beforehand wasn't possible;
3. I wasn't being disrespectful in anyway.
4. She herself was 20 mins later than the appointment.
Of course, all of this was in vain. You can't talk sense to a crazy person.
Her only reply was to insist that I was being disrespectful and that she had dealt with "your kind" before. I asked her to elaborate on what that meant but she refused to be drawn on it. Frankly, I believe this was a reference to my being of Pakistani origin. I would normally have concluded that all the hostility and aggression from her was perhaps a race issue but having seen similar reviews about her, I am concluding this is more of a "she's a nutter" issue.
She then asked if I wanted a massage. As I figured I wasn't going to be given a full hours worth of service, I should take up the offer. I asked for it to be without any oil/cream but she insisted "Nawww, you're gettin' some cream."
The massage was little more than a thinly disguised beating. (And she claimed to have a qualification in reflexology.)
Next, she turned me around and tried an interesting technique to get me hard. Unfortunately, contemptuously slapping my penis from side to side did little to arouse me. She then, I suspect, reluctantly, put it in her mouth and sucked it up and down. As expected, it was a very lacklustre effort. Her enormous weight took quite a toll on the “bed” making loud creaky noises. But that may well have been her knees. It’s difficult to tell.
The suction itself was poor. Disappointing, as given her size, it seems everything that goes in her mouth is consumed with gusto. Except this, clearly.
To put an end to this, I politely asked her to finish me off by hand. This was met with annoyance and grumbling but she complied. What followed was one of the poorest handjobs I’ve ever had the misfortune to receive. I had to use every ounce of willpower to try force myself to cum. When I did, it was a pathetic dribble which was felicitous with the circumstances.
She threw a wet wipe at me and instructed me to “get out” as we had gone over time. There was no way this was even 30 mins at this point, let alone the hour I paid for. As I was trying to get dressed, she casually tossed in that we clearly weren’t compatible and she wouldn’t be accepting any more bookings from me.
I had to bite my tongue and withhold the multitude of worry rejoinders and ripostes I could have levelled at her in favour of getting out of there post haste.
How this beast has any positive reviews is beyond me.
