Overcoming common sense prevailing

[Doc Holliday]

I don't think I have anything useful to add but just wanted to say what an great thread, really mature and with some good ideas, follow ons and general interaction.  As someone who has probably been using this site for far too long I would say that this thread would have been very different some years ago.

All the best.

 

Agreed.

Cheltclient .. may I ask what age bracket are you?

[Jumping Jack Flash]

Seeking is an excellent suggestion but take time out to read the dedicated Seeking threads on here, they are full of information, hints and tips.

I struck lucky three years ago on there and have been seeing my SB since then. She’s great fun, fit and sexy. For us it’s as much about what we do outside of the bedroom as in it; we go for drinks and dinner etc and afterwards my horn is satisfied.

[Natwest]

Seeking is an excellent suggestion but take time out to read the dedicated Seeking threads on here, they are full of information, hints and tips.

I struck lucky three years ago on there and have been seeing my SB since then. She’s great fun, fit and sexy. For us it’s as much about what we do outside of the bedroom as in it; we go for drinks and dinner etc and afterwards my horn is satisfied.

I agree wholeheartedly with this. I have two people who I met on Seeking who I rarely see but still keep in touch with many years long after the SB/SD thing ended and occasionally meet for meals/socially. And I met someone on Seeking just under 18 months ago and it slowly developed into a relationship that shows every sign of us being together for the foreseeable future.

[Thephoenix]

Loneliness, low self esteem, possiblity depression?

To the OP, Just some thoughts:

Seeking sexual gratification through paid sex gives the temporary dopomine hit,
Even thinking about it, planning and booking.
Then afterwards, the dopomine drop.
It's then common for some of us to feel regret or in some cases guilt.
I'm sure you're not alone with those feelings.
Others are able to come to the conclusion that the sexual gratification is worth any negative feelings they may experience afterwards.
Many guys are able to  compartmentalize the punt as a simple act of sexual gratification which fulfills a need.

It's a lot to do with expectations.
If you're lonely, maybe with low self esteem, booking a WG will give you a temporary high.
The intimacy and physical contact will give you some degree of succour from feelings of loneliness.
That's enough for some folk, and it seems it was for you  for while.
However eventually you've realised that it doesn't provide the real intimacy or social interaction you wish for..

Loneliness for men, particularly in middle aged and beyond is becoming more common in today's world.
Paid for sex won't solve that, which you've realised.
However you don't necessarily need to give that up
Just adjust your expectations.
It's more fun than wanking all day.
Maybe give the wanking a  rest for a few weeks too.
Be prepared for the lows afterwards. It's something many of us may feel. That's life!.

It's great that you've expressed your feelings on here.
That's a great start.
You're lonely, You appear to have low self esteem and IMHO I think you're possibly experiencing some degree of depression.
In that regard, now that you've opened up, maybe it's time to take it a step further and arrange for some counselling?

With the loneliness.... that's up to you chum.
I'm a big believer in making a worry into a problem, then trying to solve the problem.
The problem is; .... You're lonely and feeling low.
Do something about it.
It's about you taking some action. You've had plenty of suggestions.
Voluntary work is a great example.
As the old saying goes..'Do some good in the world , it'll do you the world of good.'
Walking groups is another great suggestion.

Good luck
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[Thephoenix]

I forgot to mention.
You've had years of seeing gorgeous women who are happy to have sex with you for money.
You know that's not the real world, but you've become accustomed to it.

I wonder what type of woman you're looking for on the dating sites.
After your experiences with WGs are you putting looks as your top priority?
If I were you, I'd be looking for plain looking women who may be in a similar situation as you.
They may also be lonely, and with poor self esteem.

[Dogfather]

I'm a little too hardened to everything now but I'd like to add in the desire to be with someone who ACTUALLY wants to bang the crap out of you may be what is missing for the O.P.

The difference is remarkable and it's happened too few times for me unfortunately. When it does happen there is nothing else like it.

[akauya]

Yeah, the dating thing is a little simpler than that. Unfortunately, im just not very attractive. That’s not  me being down on myself - just realistic. So when I go on the apps, I don’t tend to get any responses. Every so often I might, but it’s rare. On the odd miraculous occasion I do get a date, women just don’t tend to be interested. I’m relatively confident it’s not a vibe thing as I’m always a gent and when it’s dating, I’m not too fussed about sex. Happy for that to come naturally. Unless they get the vibe I’m a loser 

You had lots of good advice already so the only thing I can add, from a non-attractive male perspective, I would not use the dating apps. I would, as others have suggested, go out there and involve yourself in volunteering, dance classes, charity work, etc. I do all that and, take it from me, as someone who fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, that did work wonders for me. 

But, and this is a big but, don't go there with the express intention of getting sex - they will smell you a mile off. The key is to approach these new experiences with a genuine interest in the activity itself, rather than with the sole intention of meeting women. When you focus on something you enjoy, your personality shines through and you become more approachable and likable. Also another very important thing it's not trying to impress someone; but about being yourself (cliché, I know) and finding common ground with others.

And when you do meet a nice girl, don't just go through the motions. Be really interested in what she likes, what she's passionate about. Don't just pretend to be interested for the sake of it.

If I may I'll give you an example. I met my last lover (whom I really miss) at a community thing I was volunteering. She's from... I'll just say from a little Eastern European country I knew nothing about. As I really liked her, and found her so mysterious, I read up about her country's history and found it absolutely fascinating, so I asked her about it, and about her personal take of her country and about anecdotes and stuff like that. What once was an Eastern European Ice Queen (as some of them can be) she became a good friend first then a very passionate lover. Of course, this didn't happen overnight, it took time. To this day, even though we are no longer together, I look up at news from her country - I got hooked!

So, do get out more, be sociable, be friendly, meet people, lots of people and you will find someone special.

[w1a1ex]

One suggestion - book a full body sensual massage especially with body to body. You may find the relaxing and being constantly touched and aroused for a longer period more satisfying than a pure escort booking and not equivalent to a quick wank.

Would err on side of providers that are more sensual in their offering rather than massage. Just an idea

[slimdude1]

Respect to you OP for your openness and vulnerability, its certainly an interesting topic.

Here's my 2 cents...

1. You said you're craving a deeper connection of intimacy that escorts don't provide. So I'm not surprised you're cancelling bookings or finding ways to justify in your mind not making a booking. I don't think it's a good idea to make any bookings if you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

2. It sounds like you have low-self esteem & self-worth issues which is why you don't view civvys as a viable option as you yourself said you are not attractive. I'm not sure of your age OP but you said you can't do anything about your looks? Why is that if you don't mind me asking? Because solving your physical appearance would solve a lot of the issues in this department when it comes to a) attractive civvys & b) improving your self-image. You don't need to look like Thor or Brad Pitt. Not to mention your confidence will massively increase.

3. Seeking isn't going to help. You're just going to be chasing more of that "intimacy/closeness" except you'll be wasting more of your cash, and if anything it'll make things worse because of the amount of time you'll waste not getting what you truly desire.

I think you just need to increase your self-image and confidence, one thing I've learned is people project how they feel about themselves in every day life. If you look at yourself in a certain light such as being unattractive or this or that, then women will sense this and ultimately be turned off by you. I think you should honestly take a break from punting since it's evidently not providing you with the end result which you desire and more importantly it sounds like you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Everyone has their reasonings, some book girls craving intimacy and closeness whereas others just want to fuck a variety of women without strings attached, etc.

I do agree with one of the previous comments that mentioned massage punts with body to body/HE. The good ones will feel far less transactional in comparison to a wg. Wish you luck sir 

[j4247]

I can't say that much of this is familiar to me, but felt I had to say what a great thread this is. I've found this a great read and fairly eye opening. Far too little help out there for men and the problems we can face in modern society. None of us will really talk about it in the pub or at work and as such we don't really know what's going on behind the scenes with our friends and acquaintances so are unable to help/offer advice when it's needed.