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I’m talking about death, mortality and friendship.
My friend is dead. I’m stood at Our Lady’s Alter and I am delivering the eulogy which I wrote at 5am this morning. And I’m thinking about my friend whom I first met in September 1972 when we were both thrown together in primary school. It works like this you see - you put two people together who have not been put together before. Sometimes it is like that first attempt to harness a hydrogen balloon to a fire balloon: do you prefer crash and burn, or burn and crash ? But sometimes it works, and something new is made, and the world is changed. Then, at some point, sooner or later, for this reason or that, one of them is taken away. And what is taken away is greater than the sum of what was there. This may not be mathematically possible; but it is emotionally possible. I know.
And I look out into the sea of faces staring back at me, family, friends, uncles, fathers, sisters, brothers and I look at my son – and I notice that tears are rolling from his eyes and down his cheeks. And I will cry also, but not right now as I have to get through this torture. Thoughout my life I have celebrated success and failure in the same way – I go to church and talk to God, or either I get pissed or fuck hookers or do all 3. And today I am on the bladderation process which normally leads to the shagging process at some point. And I am in the pub with everyone and it is like being back at school and I am all over one of the girls from school days and she is loving it and the attention. And my wife clocks me and shakes her head and looks annoyed, but she is smiling also in a kind way, ‘cause she knows that I’m fucked up.
And 24 hours later I am outside the Directors Lodge in Pinxton and I need to get out of my head to get away from what has happened and where I’ve been and what I’ve seen and the words I have spoken – I need to purge all of that. And I know that Adriana is working today and she is one of my favourites and she looks completely tanned and she has a lovely new tattoo on her stomach and pussy and I love girls with tattoos who look and act in a confident way and she has great 34dd tits and great legs and arse and the first thing she does is ask whether she can suck on my cock and she bends her head over first of all just takes in the end of my cock and she is working up a nice pace and my head goes back and I forget about everything which has happened and all I care about is Adriana sucking on my dick and I touch her skin and it is silky and smooth, the type of taut and shiny skin you don’t get on girls over 35 and I wish I was in my twenties again and still young enough to attract girls like this. And she is taking it all down and gagging and spitting and biting and she looks up at me and opens her mouth and asks me to suck on her tongue, which I willingly do and then she opens the bottle of poppers and tells me to sniff and I willingly do this as well and she starts the countdown form 10, 9, 8, etc.. and I am sniffing and my head is caving in and she tells me to wank my cock slowly and she gets on all fours with her arse in the air and she shows me her pussy and her arse hole and asks me if that looks good and of course it looks awesome and I am thinking of my friend and whether death has allowed him to see me as I really am – and for once I think that I will go to confession this Saturday night and confess all and cleanse myself, but that thought goes away quickly as I start to eat out Adriana’s arse and pussy with some vigour and enthusiasm and she is grinding it into my face and telling me how much she thinks I’m a desperate punter and loser and she starts to piss into my mouth as I am eating her cunt out and it feels warm and nice and I am covered in it. And then she is on her back and she asks me whether I would like to fuck her and for once I say yes – and I have a condom on and I am sat upright and she on her back and she is slowly gyrating her hips on my cock and telling me not to come. But of course it is impossible to think about not coming once this has been said, and I do come and it feels pretty good actually. And then I pay up the £70 and we talk and she knows I’m not myself today and I tell her why.
And now I’m in the car and I am driving back and listening to When You're Young by The Jam - Life is timeless, days are long when your young...... When you are young – when I was drunk on youth – you want your emotions to be like the ones you read about in books and see in films. You want them to overturn your life, create and define new realities and new perspectives. Later, I think, you want them to do something altogether more milder, something more practical – you want them to support your life as it is and has become. You want them to tell you that things are going to be ok. And is there anything wrong with that ?