up for it today so made a few calls I get to the house and my mates daughter opens the door I made up some feeble excuse and left she is now begging me to keep quiet which of course I will --- what would you do
What I'd do is put a bit more effort into making up a better story. You need to really try to bring it to life, sell it to your readership, make them emotionally involved in the protagonists character development, plan out a compelling story arc. That sort of thing.
As it is this is just bollocks.