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So I'm sat in a dull fucking hotel conference suite at Heathrow. The hotel is ok and I've drunk heavily the previous night - I've woke up this morning feeling like a run over cat and I've got some spotty Herbert, straight out of university, internship cunt sat infront of me selling me the benefits of his company's spend analysis tool and how it will change my world and I will be able to prevent non compliant spend and deliver more and better savings and I'm nodding and smiling like a cunt and thinking about the stupidly of youth. My mind drifts and I start to remember a period in my late teens, before I got fucked up on life, before I became a philandering cunt, and doing over my work colleagues, when my mind was continuously pissed on the possibility of the future, full of images of adventure and recklessness and discovery. This is how it will be when I grow up - I shall go there, do this, discover that, fall in love, fuck her, and her, and her, and her. I intended to live as people do in films - which ones I am not sure, but passion, danger, excitement and ecstasy would be a feature for sure. But sometime in my late 20's I admitted that my adventurousness had all but disappeared - I am destined never to do those things adolescence dreamed of. Instead, I mow the lawn, wash the car, look after my family and fuck hookers. So I look at this spotty Herbert infront of me and take his business card and say I'll be in touch and make my way out of the conference and get in my car knowing that at the end of my drive to Nottingham I will have a defo fuck with a hooker. And I've not seen Tanya Turner before but I like the look of her and she is the kind of girl I wouldve fucked in my younger days and I arrive on station street in Nottingham and before I know it I'm walking past the front desk and the receptionist clocks me and gives me the eye and I hold her stare 'cos I'm a cunt like that and I imagine her on her knees infront of me with her mouth wide open and her tongue out waiting for my spunk to land and then I'm in the lift and getting out and knocking on the door and Tanya lets me in and I have to say she looks fucking awesome in underwear and tanned and blonde and everything nicely proportioned and I just handover the money and she has a bottle of poppers, but I've brought my own fresh ones and she is immediately down sucking my cock whilst I am sniffing like a mental case and this carries on and she is spitting on my cock and then sucking my balls and it feels good and the poppers are fucking with my head and I'm then on the bed and she is holding the bottle up to my nose and encouraging me to sniff and telling me how I'm a hooker addict and should pay her for filth again and again - and then I've got her on all fours with her nice arse pointing upwards and I'm pulling her arse open and using my tongue on her arse and pussy alternating between the two elements and then she is on her back and pulling her legs up and exposing her cunt and arse and I'm now going at it like a mental case who's never had a shag before and spitting and gobbling all over her cunt and arse and then without warning she squirting into my mouth and over my face and she's giving me more poppers and then I'm on my back and Tanya is taking my whole cock down her throat and massive strings of saliva are coming up and she is gagging on it and her eyes are watering and I think she is going to vomit everywhere but she holds it together and then I'm fucking passing out nearly and I think I'm leaving in an ambulance and going past the receptionist who wants to give me one final suck on my cock before the paramedics strap on the mask and attach the defibrillator. And then I'm looking at Tanya and she has a nice 'fuck face' on and I'm ready to come and I finish by wanking my cock and spunk is flying up and landing on my stomach and she is getting the wet wipes ready and I'm fucked up as usual but feel satisfied that I've spent my money well. And we talk. And then I'm back out on the street and it's the warmest day of the year and young single mums are pushing prams about and a parade of office gilrs wearing fuck all make me look and there are a few unemployable chavs knocking about looking cuntlike. They should go and get jobs, buts it's different nowadays I reckon - I was brought up in the 70's when it was all there waiting for you. Now they all seep out of school to nothing - to fuck all. The dole queue starts at the exit to the playground. My theory is this - we all get fucked up in our heads to some extent - who was it who said 'your mum and dad, they fuck you up' - whoever it was they were bang on and they had a good way with words which I approve of. How could we not except in a world of perfect parenting, friends, siblings, teachers, role models. And then there is the question on which it all depends - how do we react to being fucked up and damaged - some ignore it or repress it; and how does all this affect how we are with others. Some acknowledge the damage and try to mitigate it; and then there are those whose main concern is to avoid further damage themselves at any cost or consequence - and those are the ones who are ruthless, self serving and dangerous cunts. I get in my car and drive home and reflect on this thought.
