None of the OPs options appeal to me. But everone to their own. Whatever fires your rocket, and as stated the reason some of us punt is to do things your missus wont do. The easiest way to stop a bird sucking your knob is to marry her!
As anthG mentions about the walking on the back thing, I was working in HongKong and went for a massage thinking I would be getting extras but it was a proper massage place, it had hand rails on the roof and the wall alongside the massage table. The oriental lady used these to steady herself and also to push on to apply more pressure when needed. I certainly felt better after it.