Weirdest place you've ever cum

[sparkus]

I feel the UKP member Bootspunker could have some contribution to make here...

[Home Alone]

Boxing fans among us probably already knew that part of Tyson Fury's preparation for his fight against Deontay Wilder is to wank seven times a day.

He alleges that this keeps his testosterone levels up. I don't know whether or not he's contributed to this thread.

[winkywanky]

Boxing fans among us probably already knew that part of Tyson Fury's preparation for his fight against Deontay Wilder is to wank seven times a day.

He alleges that this keeps his testosterone levels up. I don't know whether or not he's contributed to this thread.

Jeez...assuming most of his semen ends up down the bog and going out to sea, I'm genuinely concerned that with his genes, he's liable to impregnate a passing blue whale and start a whole new and very terrifying species, Tysonosaurus Terribilis

[sparkus]

Jeez...assuming most of his semen ends up down the bog and going out to sea, I'm genuinely concerned that with his genes, he's liable to impregnate a passing blue whale and start a whole new and very terrifying species, Tysonosaurus Terribilis

And There's Something About Mary also showed there's a school of thought about pre-date nerves 

[winkywanky]

Or even a school of fish in this case.

[sparkus]

Or even a school of fish in this case.

Only the best for the captain's table!

[Zeusthedoc]

Boxing fans among us probably already knew that part of Tyson Fury's preparation for his fight against Deontay Wilder is to wank seven times a day.

He alleges that this keeps his testosterone levels up. I don't know whether or not he's contributed to this thread.

I always thought athletes were advised to avoid sex/masturbation before a match/fight.....
But even then, 7 times a day? Surprised he hasn't ripped it off

[John Johnson]

I always thought athletes were advised to avoid sex/masturbation before a match/fight.....
But even then, 7 times a day? Surprised he hasn't ripped it off

It must look like a circus tent peg.

[notcalledchris]

That reminds me
Travelling down under when in my early 20s
No particular rush on time & coach travel was the cheapest way to get from one city to another
Quite lengthy journeys
Was with a FAF skandi burd for a few weeks
On an overnight journey happened to be sitting at the back so could lie across the seats [coach fairly empty]
She got her sweatshirt top & put this over my lap & unzipped me

Had a long distance relationship years ago which meant lots of airport reunions followed by coaches into town.  Was frequently wanked off at the back of the coach.  What turned me on the most though was gf unzipping the flies on her jeans and showing me the hairy gash she sported in her knickers.  She never bothered with a coat for that and part of our reunion ritual was slipping a finger in to feel how wet our anticipated screwing was making her.  Before seeing her off at the airport we would fuck at her flat until the last minute and make sure I was fully emptied deep into her cunt.  She unusually enjoyed having me pound her cervix and the friction between my bellend and her cervix would make us both come hard and often together.  She'd then pull up her knickers and then we would get the bus.  The 45 minute journey would cause my recently deposited load to seep out into her cotton knickers and jeans making both wet.  I'd slip a finger into her as we snogged goodbye to check and I'd go home on my own and amazingly wank another load out as soon as I got in.  Wish I was in my 20s again

[Hot tongue]

I once had a threesome with a couple from Oldham that referred to themselves as Jack and Jill.
Jack was underneath, with Jill on top of him in the 69 position.
As I got into the doggy position, Jack decided to suck my cock. I was quite surprised how hard it went.
Anyway after a good ten minutes of pumping away at his wife's pussy, Jack seemed eager, so just as the train was about to hit the buffers, I pulled out and shot my load all over his face.
He lapped it up.

[webpunter]

There was a couple called Jack & Jill from Oldham
Who both were a bit over the hill
I wanted Jill to hold-em
But Jack wanted to suck-em
And i came over his face at will
Boom boom ...

I once had a threesome with a couple from Oldham that referred to themselves as Jack and Jill.
Jack was underneath, with Jill on top of him in the 69 position.
As I got into the doggy position, Jack decided to suck my cock. I was quite surprised how hard it went.
Anyway after a good ten minutes of pumping away at his wife's pussy, Jack seemed eager, so just as the train was about to hit the buffers, I pulled out and shot my load all over his face.
He lapped it up.

[mh]

There was a couple called Jack & Jill from Oldham
Who both were a bit over the hill
I wanted Jill to hold-em
But Jack wanted to suck-em
And i came over his face at will

If that's meant to be a Limerick you may wish to try again! I could not get that to scan at all...  Here's my attempt

An Oldham couple, Jack & Jill
Were quite a bit over the hill
When Jill said "now fuck me"
Her hubby he sucked me
And my cum on his face I did spill

[John Johnson]

I thought that I'd try it in thr traditional Japanese haiku format


Couple from Oldham
I fucked her and he sucked me.
Tadpoles over his face.

[freeze44]

I thought that I'd try it in thr traditional Japanese haiku format


Couple from Oldham
I fucked her and he sucked me.
Tadpoles over his face.

  well lets try chinese style then....

Hair oz a wold cuple from oddham

i luvvedd er long time and andsome man suckie me

Me willie arrvie all over es wubly face

[sparkus]

Jack and Jill were over the hill
And wanted a younger man's semen
Jack went around and gobbled it down
And all over his face it was gleaming

[sparkus]

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack gobbled down the young fella's dick

[mh]

Jack and Jill were over the hill
And wanted a younger man's semen
Jack went around and gobbled it down
And all over his face it was gleaming

 

[webpunter]

Quality replies
Apologies for taking the thread off-piste 

[webpunter]

  & 
When you attempt & succeed in wazzing up more reviews than me it will be 

If that's meant to be a Limerick you may wish to try again! I could not get that to scan at all...  Here's my attempt

An Oldham couple, Jack & Jill
Were quite a bit over the hill
When Jill said "now fuck me"
Her hubby he sucked me
And my cum on his face I did spill

[sparkus]

Sing a song of sixpence
A mouthful of cock
A couple called Jack and Jill supposidly in wedlock
When the flies were opened
The young lad emptied his sack
And Jill said "You were supposed to do me, not Jack"

[hullad]

Being the RAF based close to London then
 Lincoln I had a better then most opportunities for perverse sexual encounters in some really mad locations. I have screwed a few ladies in some if the forces iconic aircraft, including Vulcan, Victor, Nimrod, Devon and I actually managed a Red Arrows Gnat which was a wing job. Hercules on a deployment flight in the back of a Land rover was a good in the turbulence.

  I did try any get a WRAF into a stairwell at RAF Fylingdales but a bloody 'snow drop' copped us, I had to settle for a blow job in the bus back to scammy after  lyke  wake walk trip.

 The USA  was a great place on red flag, but another time lol

[mh]

& 
When you attempt & succeed in wazzing up more reviews than me it will be 

In case it wasn't obvious, no offence was intended there. I liked the idea but my OCD wouldn't let me leave it alone. 

[Dogfather]

Being the RAF based close to London then
 Lincoln I had a better then most opportunities for perverse sexual encounters in some really mad locations. I have screwed a few ladies in some if the forces iconic aircraft, including Vulcan, Victor, Nimrod, Devon and I actually managed a Red Arrows Gnat which was a wing job. Hercules on a deployment flight in the back of a Land rover was a good in the turbulence.

  I did try any get a WRAF into a stairwell at RAF Fylingdales but a bloody 'snow drop' copped us, I had to settle for a blow job in the bus back to scammy after  lyke  wake walk trip.

 The USA  was a great place on red flag, but another time lol

I've learnt something new today now but how or what is a "wing job" hullad?

[John Johnson]

Being the RAF based close to London then
 Lincoln I had a better then most opportunities for perverse sexual encounters in some really mad locations. I have screwed a few ladies in some if the forces iconic aircraft, including Vulcan, Victor, Nimrod, Devon and I actually managed a Red Arrows Gnat which was a wing job. Hercules on a deployment flight in the back of a Land rover was a good in the turbulence.

  I did try any get a WRAF into a stairwell at RAF Fylingdales but a bloody 'snow drop' copped us, I had to settle for a blow job in the bus back to scammy after  lyke  wake walk trip.

 The USA  was a great place on red flag, but another time lol

Ah, the wonders of loads of youngsters in the military. I did a Sergeant's mess waitress up the bum, still in her uniform, after Burn's night about 1986, in fact I did her everywhere except ears and nostrils. I also did her in my flat a couple of times (I was living out) while her estranged husband slept outside in his car.

[sparkus]

Ah, the wonders of loads of youngsters in the military. I did a Sergeant's mess waitress up the bum, still in her uniform, after Burn's night about 1986, in fact I did her everywhere except ears and nostrils. I also did her in my flat a couple of times (I was living out) while her estranged husband slept outside in his car.

So you left your mess in the bum of a sergeant's mess waitress? Now I know where it gets its name 

[John Johnson]

So you left your mess in the bum of a sergeant's mess waitress? Now I know where it gets its name 

Not thought of it like that before.

[Froomey]

Yesterday evening - under the table in a booth in a steak restaurant in Borough Market - very discreet handjob given by a horny MILf off SA on our first meeting, mopped up the mess with her napkin, finished the meal and followed up with an enthusiastic few hours in a local hotel.

First time I've cum in the actual diningg room of a restaurant......

[mh]

Yesterday evening - under the table in a booth in a steak restaurant in Borough Market - very discreet handjob given by a horny MILf off SA on our first meeting, mopped up the mess with her napkin, finished the meal and followed up with an enthusiastic few hours in a local hotel.

First time I've cum in the actual diningg room of a restaurant......

If she was sitting opposite you then that's some boast. 

[winkywanky]

Perhaps she has long arms? 

[B4bcock]

Yesterday evening - under the table in a booth in a steak restaurant in Borough Market - very discreet handjob given by a horny MILf off SA on our first meeting, mopped up the mess with her napkin, finished the meal and followed up with an enthusiastic few hours in a local hotel.

First time I've cum in the actual diningg room of a restaurant......

So, which was best, Froomey, the steak or the pulled pork??

[winkywanky]

Wahey! 

[bossanova]

So, which was best, Froomey, the steak or the pulled pork??

 

[Cum_again]

Houses of Parliament

[bhudda]

Houses of Parliament

No shortage of cunts in there

[Aengus]

Long time ago was banging a girl at work and we sometimes had to go away on business together. We lived in Wales and on one trip she got a bit horny and unzipped me while I’m driving on the M4. Proceeded to give a really good blowjob over the Severn bridge. 

This delightfully turned into a regular thing, as soon as we got near the bridge down she would go.  We got a few toots from truck drivers who could look down through the sunroof as we overtook them.  Shot my load once while paying the toll. She always swallowed .   Trying to keep a normal expression for the woman in the kiosk was difficult!

[Froomey]

Perhaps she has long arms? 

It's not necessarily the arms that are long!

Though I'll fess up - and respond to the previous point - we. We're sitting side by side

[Froomey]

So, which was best, Froomey, the steak or the pulled pork??

Haha.....the steak was rarer, and very, very good; the pulled pork significantly rarer and I think came just ahead of the steak as a sensory experience.

Pork subsequently marinaded in copious aromatic juices was even better!

[hullad]

I've learnt something new today now but how or what is a "wing job" hullad?

Her laid on the wing me stood up

[bhudda]

Her laid on the wing me stood up

The very reason I'm no longer allowed to fly on easy jet

[Home Alone]

The very reason I'm no longer allowed to fly on easy jet

[Dogfather]

Long time ago was banging a girl at work and we sometimes had to go away on business together. We lived in Wales and on one trip she got a bit horny and unzipped me while I’m driving on the M4. Proceeded to give a really good blowjob over the Severn bridge. 

This delightfully turned into a regular thing, as soon as we got near the bridge down she would go.  We got a few toots from truck drivers who could look down through the sunroof as we overtook them.  Shot my load once while paying the toll. She always swallowed .   Trying to keep a normal expression for the woman in the kiosk was difficult!

Ah, the perfect woman.

[Johnnyg]

Longtime lurker, first time poster, so hope I’m welcome.

Enjoyed reading this thread and it brought back memories of a former lover of mine...

Met this lady in a local pub, I knew her already as she was married to an acquaintance of mine. We chatted for ages and eventually she asked me to call up for a chat the following week as her other half would be working. To cut a long story short, we met and agreed to become “buddies”.

I always thought the term cumslut was pure fantasy invented by corespondents to top shelf magazines, however this lady proved me wrong. Her only rule was that I couldn’t cum inside her. This led to multiple facials, cum in her ears(!!),up her nose, in her hair before she went shopping, and also with her holding her eyelids open so I could fire it at her eyeball. All of which I would consider reasonably kinky.

However, the title of the thread is the strangest place you’ve cum..

I was invited up one evening, but with the proviso that sex wasn’t on the cards (for once). When I arrived she let me in and immediately dropped my pants and started sucking my cock. I questioned what she was doing as I was led to believe we weren’t having sex. She said “we aren’t, just tell me when you’re ready to cum”. Within minutes I was on the brink, she got up and led my by my cock into the kitchen. On the table was her dinner, she got the plate and said “cum all over it”. Who was I to refuse? A healthy dollop of man fat covered her meal. She calmly put the plate on the table and ate the lot, licking the plate clean.

Why I never married this dirty fucker is my life’s biggest mystery.

Oh and it was quiche and salad if anyone is interested 😂

[winkywanky]

She liked your anchovy mayonnaise then, I take it?

All you need to do now is find a WG half as filthy, fuck her and write up a review 

[Johnnyg]

I’m working on it 

[RLondon99]

Longtime lurker, first time poster, so hope I’m welcome.

Johnny, you started good.

[MisterD]

Brilliant thread, had real fun reading through the replies so felt compelled to add a few of my own from my younger years before the memories fade into obscurity.

So some odd places I've cum :

- At a wedding reception, sitting at a big round table with 12 other people (including parents in law).  My wife wanked me off under the table and and also had a sneaky finger in her wet pussy to help me along.  Was hard keeping a straight face and continuing conversation when I came !
- I once fucked a girl I was seeing on a bench outside of Blackfriars station, was hidden a little by planters full of bushes and it was late evening, but a lot of people still walked by a few feet away.  The excitement of being caught meant the I didn't last very long and my GF went home on the tube with a little present from me :-)
- Being waked off on a sofa with another guy, his wife sitting in between us.  Met her a few days before at a Christmas party.   Turns out afterwords, that we were both trying not to be the first to come LOL.  I failed !
- In a communal shower cubicle, being pissed on by a girl who was giving a demonstration of watersports to a group and 10 or so onlooking blokes.  She also drank my piss and after we finished she thanked me in front of the audience and said I had the best tasting piss she'd had for a while (perhaps one of the strangest compliments I've ever had!)
- I a swimming pool fucking my GF surrounded by people, was hard to keep going when the wave machine kicked in.
- In the sea fucking my GF, we were a good 30-40 yards out but the was a guy on the shore who new what we were doing.  I think the long lasting close hug with my GF bobbing up and down gave it away.

[winkywanky]

And despite all that unbridled horniness, no punts whatsoever in four years on UKP 

[Home Alone]

And despite all that unbridled horniness, no punts whatsoever in four years on UKP 

Being charitable, perhaps 'because of', maybe, ww?? 

Alternatively, "Yeah, right!", as they say in Australia!

[greg101]

Four years ago both Jack and Jill
They went and joined a forum
Read about such splendid stuff
Like cosplay and some bum fun

So Jack and Jill went up that hill
As they were feeling horny
What happened when they reached the top?
Well that's another story

Did Jill suck Jack or Jack fuck Jill?
The answers out of reach
As neither contribute fuck all
They are both a fucking leech!

[sparkus]

And despite all that unbridled horniness, no punts whatsoever in four years on UKP 

He clearly doesn't require any services from WGs.