So this is how it played out in the end.
My carer (who know's/knew what i did) arrives at 11.00pm I've still got the girls bag which as i said earlier was a prossie's toolkit. I didn't ask any of it for this particular meet with this girl, you know the type of stuff. Condoms, wet wipes, oil, anal toys, handcuffs! stripper heels.
So I basically tell my carer the situation in case she comes knocking on the door, she is sympathetic but worried about staying the night in case anything kicks off and strongly says that this is not part of her job description, that i've been an idiot and she feels unsafe. she asks to see the bag (which i refuse to show her).
She's torn between leaving and staying obviously she still feels she has a duty of care. Eventually she says she'll stay only on the condition that i don't open the door to this girl.
Around 11.10 i get a call from this girl, saying that she's had to travel and get shit sorted and that she's more then willing to see me...and that shit happens and she'd never scam me. I tell her i'm dumping the bag outside of my flat and that i don't want to see or speak to her ever again. She accepts this and around 20 mins later the bag is gone. The reason why I did this is that the police said if she doesn't collect her stuff by the end of the night you can bring it into the station. she contacted me before 12.00 therefore I had to give her the stuff.
Now comes the hard part.
I know this isn't the place for this and I apologise but:
I suffer with periods of depression at the moment i'm on a low. As such I have a big heart to heart with my carer and talk about the fear I feel about my family ever found out. (folks are christians) sister n law has strong views. I then go into a diatribe about what a cunt I am, and how i fucking hate myself. Carer nods and says she knows, she see's it every shift she's in.
My carer rightly says I have to make some changes, one of them being cutting out seeing escorts, my libido is rock smack bottom at the moment, so wouldn't be hard. and that maybe i should join a group for people in my situation. (FFS I even struggle to wank) She also thinks I should tell my parents so the sword of damocles isn't hanging over my head
i know where she's going with this, but watching porn once or twice a week and seeing escorts about every 3 or 4 doesn't count as an addiction or a problem. I've spoken to doctors, sexual health specialists and counselors and the most anyone has ever said is "look after yourself" every other response seems to be "we understand...you are a man, you are 25...you have needs".
In short working in care in close proximity with someone is about trust and picking your battles, I've just lost every bit of goodwill I had with this carer.
As a boss I fucked up badly , I put a member of staff in potential danger, If I have an outcall to my house again. I think she'll probably leave as I am on a pretty destructive path at the moment, and that is fair enough.
Whatever i do from now on, I have no one to back me, no one to save me ( i don't ask for this i'd rather take a beating then have to go to an employment tribunal because some hooker has smacked a carer.)
I've just fucked up really badly.
Anyway, Thank you all so much for giving me advice and support. You kept my sanity in check...(till my carer came in at least) This is gonna seem a misogynistic comment but I knew you guys would come good. I truly do think that in certain situations It only works when men seek advice and support from their elders.