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It’s always a shame to discover that a young lady on whom you have spent time, energy and patience is not at all what she initially appeared to be. After some six weeks in a curious ‘arrangement’ of sorts, it seems that the warnings were all there – I just failed to spot them in good time.
Having met ‘SexyPorsha’ perhaps a dozen times both in and out of ‘work’, I had decided in my mind that she was an honest girl with an uncompromising approach to her chosen profession. I overlooked her alcoholism, tardiness and temperamental personality as I liked her independent mind and general joie de vivre
. If the odd timings of her sporadic SMS replies could have been an indication that something was awry, the fact she would then send 15 messages to my phone in less than 10 minutes should have been a giveaway. But I persisted and attributed her behaviour to her eccentric personality.
Until she really went off the rails and started behaving like the paranoid, delusional drug user she freely admitted to being (“It’s a part of the job”). I’m not particularly happy at having wasted many hours of December with this girl, but it’s always something of a relief to realise when one is being taken for a fool. More so as there were other warning signs. The constant references to “bad treatment” by Hendrix, Tom and others and the “disgusting things” written about her on this forum seemed to be the bane of her existence. I did find her preoccupation with such things somewhat odd and her explanation was laughably predictable: she had been treated appallingly by men in her ‘real life’. But given some thought and my own experience of her behaviour and Jekyll and Hyde personality, it’s clear that drug use is her real issue.
A clear case of ‘You can take the girl out of Olsztyn, but you can’t take Olsztyn out of the girl.’ With regret, I therefore need to inform SexyPorsha that she is ‘fired’.
Yes, the evenings out were fun and the bareback penetrative sex in the jacuzzi was enjoyable (she informed me by SMS that her tests were negative – how thoughtful). But the weird, occasionally aggressive behaviour was bizarre – as were her temper tantrums when I informed her on one occasion that I needed to be home by 6:30am as I like to spend time with my children before they go to school. Her response: “You’re going home to your wife. I want you to put me first!”. Oh dear …
So yes, it was never plain sailing as such but this was something of a full-blown affair. Sure, there was good sex, but these were meetings and ‘dates’ which were often ‘off the clock’. It was really both a professional and a personal arrangement. It seemed to work. But my decision to travel all the way to Tunbridge Wells in Kent at her invitation was a foolhardy one.
I should have known better.The Good:
SexyPorsha is actually 35 years old. She has a great body for a 35-year woman and single mother. She also has 21 years of sexual experience gleaned from the likely many thousands of gentlemen acquaintances. Yes gentlemen, she’s great in the sack – as my previous review makes abundantly clear.The Bad: N/A
After a last minute change of heart on the Monday, it had been agreed by SMS on Wednesday 17th December that I would spend the next evening in Kent, where SexyPorsha was apparently on tour (“You are always welcome – I hate sitting there on my own”).
At 9pm the following evening, I duly arrived at the nondescript hotel in a freezing Tunbridge Wells, having booked a table for dinner at local Thai hotspot Sucheera. My assumption was that, having been couped up like a battery hen all day in a ghastly budget chain hotel room, Porsha would appreciate a ‘breather’ and some down time.
It seemed my consideration was wasted. When I telephoned from the back of the waiting taxi, there was no answer. Less than 30 seconds later I received an SMS: “Sorry I’m busy. Call back later”. I replied, stating that I was outside the hotel. She called me back immediately from a different number and I told the taxi driver to wait whilst I went upstairs to leave my overnight bag in her room. To my surprise, she opened the door in her birthday suit as she was running late. Momentarily, I made the decision to leave my bag and go back downstairs to give her time to compose herself for dinner.
Five minutes later, we were in the taxi and en route to the restaurant.
That was when alarm bells began to sound for the second time. A fortnight before, SexyPorsha had actually passed out on her bed after a night of heavy drinking. As any gentleman would do, I politely knocked on her flatmates door and told her that she should keep an eye on SP – in case she was sick. But in the taxi that evening, she had a very different look – dilated pupils and an inability to keep a coherent train of thought and/or conversation.
Dinner was therefore hard work. Excruciatingly so.
But after 2/3 hours in the restaurant, it was clear that SP was off her head. We had only had a single bottle of wine, but her slurred speech and frankly bizarre behaviour were a bit too much for me. When she began complaining of a bad stomach, I took that as my cue to pay the bill and leave.
Upon returning to the hotel, SexyPorsha quite literally collapsed into bed – fully clothed. I tried to wake her, but she complained of feeling unwell and was clearly in something of a state. My initial thought was to call an ambulance as she was seriously off-colour. But then she woke up and muttered some unintelligible nonsense before falling into a deep sleep and snoring like a pig with her mouth wide open! It was not a pretty sight.
So, I had two options: leave her be and depart or keep an eye on her to make sure she was okay. Given that life in Tunbridge Wells is dead after Midnight and the fact that the journey back to London would have to wait until the 05:21am to Charing Cross, I pulled up a (moulded plastic) chair and settled in for the night. Luckily I had 4G, Netflix and my Plex server for company!
I’m glad I did as what happened next freaked me out. SexyPorsha is clearly a troubled young women in more ways than just the excessive alcohol consumption and drug use. She was constantly talking to herself and laughing in her sleep. It was like something from The Omen. By 3am I really started to shit myself. Porsha began mumbling what sounded to me like excerpts from Orff's Carmina Burana! Given the fact it was a freezing cold night, the wind was howling and shaking the sash windows in the room and it was absolutely pissing down outside, I was confident of one thing: the night couldn’t get any worse.
But having forgotten I wasn’t in London, I had no idea how to get to the fucking train station in the pouring rain – a distance of roughly a mile. After frantically calling a dozen or so taxi firms, I finally managed to find one and at 5am I had no choice but to wake Porsha up and tell her I had to leave. Strangely, she seemed very miffed and came to quite rapidly. She was clearly upset I had decided to leave, but what did she expect? As I took my overnight bag and headed for the door, she clambered back into the bed and threw the covers over her head.The Ugly: N/A
Those were the first words Porsha screeched at me during a phone call three days after that abysmal evening in Kent.
It took a further phone call two or three days later to find out what on earth she was talking about.
I was utterly dismayed at what she had to say to me.
Apparently, Porsha had dreamt that I had spent the night rummaging through her ‘stuff’ whilst she slept. Yes, seriously. Apparently that was the only possible explanation for the fact I had called her on another number. A number which – she informed me – “very few peple had”. What?
I wondered if she was intoxicated again, so I asked her if anything was missing from her belongings after her trip to Tunbridge Wells. “No” she replied. I then asked her why she had made such an outrageous accusation – and I told her to go straight to the Police and report what she believed had happened. She declined and muttered that I could only have obtained her ‘other number’ if I had searched through her stuff.
You know what love? Fuck off. Get a fucking grip, check your call history on your phones and then sort your shit out. Alternatively, head down to your local Nick and play the victim.
That’s all you are really good for.Final words
I did give Porsha the chance to apologise before deciding to write this review. On more than one occasion. I politely offered to provide proof that she was bang out of order, but unsurprisingly she declined. I guess she knows full well she ruined a ‘good thing’. But sadly, I think that is likely the way it always is for her. It’s hardly the norm for Polish girls to eschew marriage at 35 after all.
She may still be a ‘good person’. She’s probably still great in the sack too. But I now see just one thing: desperation. This girl still has ‘time’ to address her problems before she gets too old. I know she does. She shared many aspects of her personal life with me and I know why she is like she is – a “Loner person”. But whether I’m just a big old fluff or whether it’s the truth, I feel pity for her.
Having spent a fair amount of dosh, considerable time and even a light smattering of emotion, I’m glad I finally see her for what she really is: a women who hates herself almost as much as she hates her gentlemen callers and who is terrified of the almost inevitable, pending retirement and penury.
Given the above, I’ll leave her where she is on my list. For old times sake – and because it’s a brand new year and a time for fresh starts. But mostly because I think she’ll be needing it.
This is a girl who could have had it all – if only she had managed to keep her shit together.
‘Porsha’ was actually supposed to be spelt ‘Portia’, borrowed as it was from The Merchant of Venice.
Indeed, Portia’s closing words could not be more apt:
It is almost morning,
And yet I am sure you are not satisfied...
On a final note, I hope we will all have a successful, prosperous and happy 2015!PALS Rating Scale (0-40) + Value (0-10)
P - Personality
A - Attitude
L - Looks
S - ServiceSexyPorsha
- 10/10/8/10/9 - 47
Emily Crème Brulee - 9.5/10/9/10/8 – 46.5
Hot Teen Fuck - 9/9.5/10/9.5/8 - 46
Dee - 9/10/8/10/9 - 46
Maggie21 - 9/10/7/10/9 - 45
Brazilian Mel - 10/9/9.5/8/7 - 43.5
Adele4U - 9/9/7/10/8 - 43
Sweet & Kinky Nicole - 8/8/10/6.5/10 - 42.5
Vanessa$ - 9/9/8/9/7 - 42
Lola Bell - 9/9/6/9/9 - 42
Brooklyn Blue - 9/9/9/7/7 - 41
Girlfriend Dior - 8/7/7/9/8 - 39
Busty Jessica.x - 3/3/3/0/0 - 9All-time Hall of Fame
Pandora - 10/10/10/9/8 – 47
Sylvia - 8/10/10/9/10 - 47
Nicole Foxxx - 10/10/9/9/8 - 46
Chantel - 10/8/9/9/8 - 44
Jessica - 8/9/10/9/6 - 42