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Author Topic: Why married men visit prostitutes  (Read 4314 times)

Offline drwho

If you can get past the sometimes quaint language of the period, there's some wise and familiar sentiments doled out way back in 1959.
(eg a touch of EAS in point no. 7)

http://blog.modernmechanix.com/why-married-men-visit-prostitutes/
Server very slow for me, so copied and pasted below:




WHY MARRIED MEN VISIT PROSTITUTES

What are the motives which lead a married man, often with an attractive and “willing” wife, to patronize a common woman of the street?

by Albert Ellis. Ph.D.

“I SUPPOSE,” said my marriage counseling client, “that you think I’m crazy for spending so much of my time and money on the women I pick up in bars— when my wife, as you have seen, is such a fine and attractive woman.”

“It does seem a bit peculiar,” I replied, “considering that your wife, if I am to believe her story, is very much in love with you and is quite aggressive in her desire for frequent marital relations.” – “Yes, I guess it does seem peculiar. And, let me tell you, she’s being honest with you. She does want sex relations very often, and she is, as you can see, a fine figure of a woman. When I think how 1 felt about her before marriage! You’d never believe it.”

“But now—?”

“Now, frankly, she leaves me cold. Not that I don’t still admire her as a person. And, as the mother of our two children, I think she’s perfectly great. Couldn’t want anything better. But sexually! Sure she’s responsive — in theory. But just as soon as I give in to her need, all she does is lie supinely and leave the entire role of love-making completely to me.”

“If I understand you correctly,” I said, “your wife wants you to do the active lovemaking, while she, once coitus begins, does little or nothing. Is that right?”

“That’s exactly right — or exactly wrong, if I may coin a phrase. While the other women I go with—for the right payment and half a kind word—they’ll do almost anything I want. And they seem to get satisfaction out of it, too, a good many of them. Now do you see why I prefer them to my good-looking, fine, respectable young wife?”

I did see, very clearly. And I often see why many of my married clients patronize prostitutes, from high-class “call girls” to two-dollar women of the street, even when they have handsome and “willing” wives. For their wives, in many instances, are only willing within definite limits. They may be willing to have face to face coitus— but to try no variations of intercourse, which they consider “unnatural.” Or when these wives do try varied sex positions or acts which their husbands particularly desire, they do so reluctantly, listlessly, and guiltily, thus taking away all their husbands’ satisfaction.

Prostitutes, on the other hand, are in the business of satisfying their customers. For a stipulated fee, they will do almost anything a male desires; and will do so, in most instances, freely, guiltlessly, with verve.

Why, then, says many a male, even if he loves and respects his wife and wants to keep their marriage together, should he not patronize the woman who makes it her business to satisfy him sexually?

Other reasons why literally millions of married men regularly or irregularly patronize prostitutes include the following:

1. Many males, even though they derive satisfaction from sex relations with their wives, feel that they need a variety of partners. Some want a different type than their wives—such as a blonde instead of a brunette, or a young instead of a middle-aged woman.

Others simply want a different individual from the one with whom they participated a day ago or a week ago. The quickest and easiest way for many of these males to find a different partner is to patronize a prostitute.

2. In many instances, husbands who do not normally need sexual variety find they have no wish to remain abstinent when they are separated from their wives, when their wives are ill, or when they desire intercourse more frequently than the wives do. Again, resort to prostitutes may be easier in these instances than engaging in extramarital affairs.

3. Some men who crave variety feel that patronizing prostitutes is safer, less involving, and more loyal than having non-prostitutional affairs; and in many instances their wives agree with this viewpoint and tolerate their seeing a prostitute far better than they would tolerate a non-prostitutional relationship.

4. A surprisingly large number of men, I have found in my clinical experience, fail miserably in their marital relationships, largely because of their ignorance and prudery in regard to how to satisfy their wives sexually.

Such men are frequently impotent or sexually below par because, consciously or unconsciously, they subscribe to self-defeating sex notions which sabotage their powers and potentialities. Out of shame, they avoid having marital relations and resort to prostitutes with whom, because they pay, they are not ashamed to be poor lovers.

5. Occasionally, a man’s wife refuses to use proper birth control technique; and, rather than have intercourse with her and risk having unwanted children, he patronizes women of the streets.

6. Some men’s wives are so stingy of affection, and demand so much in return for having steady sex relations, that the male finds it actually cheaper and less emotionally blackmailing to visit prostitutes.

7. Once in a while, a man becomes deeply attached to a prostitute and keeps patronizing her, rather than bedding with his wife, because he genuinely cares for her and enjoys her company more than that of his spouse.

8. Some men, particularly those with low self-esteem, ignore the monetary element in their patronage of harlots, and convince themselves that they are making one real conquest after another in the course of such patronage. To them, even a paid “conquest” is satisfying.

9. Many husbands, for a number of neurotic reasons, occasional- ly or steadily visit prostitutes. Some thus vent their hostility against their wives. Others masochistically want to degrade themselves. Others find it impossible to be fully potent with a “good” woman. Still others seek the danger of an illicit encounter.

For a host of fearful, hostile, or guilt-laden reasons, or to erect defenses against their underlying irrational anxieties, such individuals find temporary “solutions” to their problems by bedding with a prostitute.

In general, then, a married man will resort to prostitutional affairs either for relatively sane reasons —such as the sexual inaccessibility of his wife—or for irrational ones —such as his unwillingness to face the real reasons for his being sexually unsatisfied in marriage.

In almost all cases where I have had personal contact with married males who steadily frequent women of the street, the irrational and neurotic reasons for so doing were predominant. This may partly result, however, from the fact that most people who seek my counsel are, as one might expect, fairly disturbed.

Where married males are regular patrons of prostitutes, and where they want to do something about their basic sex and general problems, cure or significant improvement is usually effected in reasonably short order.

In the case of the man whose wife refused to take an active part in coitus, it was a simple matter to induce her to participate more actively and more responsively.

At least, it was simple once I had shown him that his negative attitude toward her was encouraging her resistance in this connection, and that the more he worked at being nice to her and inducing her to be a more satisfactory sex partner, the better results he would be likely to attain.

In most instances, the husband’s neurotic attitudes about himself, about sex, about his wife, and about prostitutes must be explored.

One of my patients, for example, felt that he was so worthless that none but a prostitute, not even his own wife, could really care for him or find satisfaction in sex relations with him.

Another was patronizing call girls regularly because he was still rebelling against his mother’s early lectures against his having illicit affairs. Unconsciously, he still wanted to spite her as well as his wife (who, symbolically, he saw as another mother-figure) rather than primarily to go after the kind of sex-love satisfaction he really wanted for himself.

When irrational, early-acquired attitudes such as these are ruthlessly exposed in the course of counseling or psychotherapy, and relentlessly attacked in the light of the individual’s real goals and satisfactions, the prostitutional affairs of most men are voluntarily or spontaneously stopped.

- Dr. Ellis, a noted psychologist and sexologist, is author of “The Folklore of Sex” and “The American Sexual Tragedy,” and co-author of “The Psychology of Sex Offenders.”

Offline Malvolio

Interesting read - those reasons are much like the ones that appear on the "why do you punt" threads that appear every so often.  Shows that men were just the same 55 years ago.

Offline wombat

This makes me think of Harry Enfield.

Online RedKettle

My heart sank when I saw the thread heading, thinking another similar debate on this subject - but the article is fascinating and it is very interesting to see the same issues from then.  We married men and women have clearly got no better at finding a solution, other than the men paying for it.

Thanks for posting this.

Offline Taggart


In the case of the man whose wife refused to take an active part in coitus, it was a simple matter to induce her to participate more actively and more responsively.

At least, it was simple once I had shown him that his negative attitude toward her was encouraging her resistance in this connection, and that the more he worked at being nice to her and inducing her to be a more satisfactory sex partner, the better results he would be likely to attain.

 


To me, that quote is utterly flawed, and IMO, it's not a negative attitude. Many married women just have too many sexual hangups and barriers built up over the years of a relationship, feign headaches and other ailments because they dont like being shagged by hubby or partner.

It's a far simpler problem than Dr Ellis believes.

If the majority of married women regularly acted in bed like the WGs we pay to see, then the WGs would soon be out of business, the divorce rate would nose dive and we'd be much richer.

Luckily, we know it'll never happen, so Carry on Punting.  :lol:

Offline Aspen

In the case of the man whose wife refused to take an active part in coitus, it was a simple matter to induce her to participate more actively and more responsively.

When irrational, early-acquired attitudes such as these are ruthlessly exposed in the course of counseling or psychotherapy, and relentlessly attacked in the light of the individual’s real goals and satisfactions, the prostitutional affairs of most men are voluntarily or spontaneously stopped.

I agree with most of this, but in the cases of the above two points, all I can say is - Dream on!!!


And then we have the following example which kinda simply illustrates the typical wife's strategy in using the lure/promise of sex to extract behavioural changes in their spouse - in most cases without even having to go through with actually performing.


At least, it was simple once I had shown him that his negative attitude toward her was encouraging her resistance in this connection, and that the more he worked at being nice to her and inducing her to be a more satisfactory sex partner, the better results he would be likely to attain.


I like the use of the word 'likely' - lol. In reality you could easily substitute 'unlikely'.
Banning reason: Secret barebacker who used the name "Loneranger" to slag off UKP and spread malicious claims against admin + Previously banned as "overhead". Also known as "Warwick"

Offline Aspen


To me, that quote is utterly flawed, and IMO, it's not a negative attitude. Many married women just have too many sexual hangups and barriers built up over the years of a relationship, feign headaches and other ailments because they dont like being shagged by hubby or partner.

It's a far simpler problem than Dr Ellis believes.

If the majority of married women regularly acted in bed like the WGs we pay to see, then the WGs would soon be out of business, the divorce rate would nose dive and we'd be much richer.

Luckily, we know it'll never happen, so Carry on Punting.  :lol:

It's not hangups as much as lack of interest. Several women have told me that they resent having to offer sex to gain a mans attention, and once they have been in a relationship long enough to dispense with the reasons for having sex they can redress the balance in their favour. I'm not saying all women are like that, but a very large proportion are.
Banning reason: Secret barebacker who used the name "Loneranger" to slag off UKP and spread malicious claims against admin + Previously banned as "overhead". Also known as "Warwick"

3. Some men who crave variety feel that patronizing prostitutes is safer, less involving, and more loyal than having non-prostitutional affairs; and in many instances their wives agree with this viewpoint and tolerate their seeing a prostitute far better than they would tolerate a non-prostitutional relationship.

And yet many typical Mumsnetters seem to hate men who see prostitutes more than they hate men who have affairs, for some reason.

Offline akauya

And yet many typical Mumsnetters seem to hate men who see prostitutes more than they hate men who have affairs, for some reason.

There's no hope for me when it comes to Mumsnetters then... I have had affairs, I have a fuck buddy, I go swinging and I "patronize" prostitutes :)


And yet many typical Mumsnetters seem to hate men who see prostitutes more than they hate men who have affairs, for some reason.

That's because they don't understand men. I view seeing a prostitute in the same way that women like to go on pampering weekends. It's a treat for me, nothing more. I wouldn't really think about an affair as that's far, far more serious. I reckon Mrs tcm would see it like a typical mumsnetter though.....

tcm

If the majority of married women regularly acted in bed like the WGs we pay to see, then the WGs would soon be out of business, the divorce rate would nose dive and we'd be much richer.

If the majority of married women regularly acted in bed like the WGs we pay to see, and still looked like a hot 25 year old, with tits above their navel   :yahoo:

Offline Aspen

And yet many typical Mumsnetters seem to hate men who see prostitutes more than they hate men who have affairs, for some reason.

Because having an affair is harder work and much less available. Prostitutes are quite accessible and therefore take the power away that women have when they withhold sex. That's why they go ballistic over them.
Banning reason: Secret barebacker who used the name "Loneranger" to slag off UKP and spread malicious claims against admin + Previously banned as "overhead". Also known as "Warwick"

Offline Daffodil

Good read, very interesting. Can definitely sympathise with many of the reasons.

Offline NelsonH

I've read a lot of posts BUT never one that hit the nail so square on the head as the previous one.




Offline thefoxman

Quote
And yet many typical Mumsnetters seem to hate men who see prostitutes more than they hate men who have affairs, for some reason.
Because having an affair is harder work and much less available. Prostitutes are quite accessible and therefore take the power away that women have when they withhold sex. That's why they go ballistic over them.

Absolutely true, even if they won't admit it or even be consciously aware that fact.
Since punting I've realised just how much women use flirting / promise of sex all the time.
Bizarrely though, this knowledge has made me have better relationships with women...

Also, she can view having an affair as an emotional act,  "out of his control", "she did all the running" etc,
punting is viewed as a controlled act.


Offline Aspen

Since punting I've realised just how much women use flirting / promise of sex all the time.

It's not promise, it's implication. There's a difference. Many of them do it all the time without even thinking about it, and if you keep a lookout it's quite easy to spot. The most obvious form of it used to be known as prick teasing. Very manipulative behaviour which when men do it they are struck down by the feminists, and accused of unacceptable and sexist behaviour.


Banning reason: Secret barebacker who used the name "Loneranger" to slag off UKP and spread malicious claims against admin + Previously banned as "overhead". Also known as "Warwick"

Offline Old monk

Quite enjoyed this, a couple of points from me.

1. A big difference is the way we are wired, it's sex to us it's not emotional, it's not attachment, most women I know who are not part of the sex industry, don't understand this.
2. We possibly think we would like a girl who sees it in the same way, most of us really don't though. Ive had a threesome with my ex wife, one of the worse things I've ever done.
I have been out with someone who I would describe as a genuine nymphomaniac, this was absolutely fantastic, for about 8 weeks, then it began to tell on me. I couldn't keep up, seriously no chance, nothing apart from scat games was to weird, she was great looking, really good fun and just wanted fucking morning noon and night!! seriously she jerked me off in really crowded nightclub queue, fucked me under the pier in Eastbourne, whilst yet another night club queue was 3 feet from our writhing bodies, gave me a blowjob in a restaurant under the table. It may sound great but she was a real life porn film 24/7, it didn't stop, as a one off these things are great but EVERY DAY!!

Which brings me to my reasons which basically are listed above, my wife is pretty decent looking, mid 40s, tall size 10, absolutely great mum, a pretty terrific wife to be fair, but in the bedroom it's all about her, ultimately out of all our session at least 80% of it wil be about her satisfaction and needs, if I ever ask her to dress up its a guilt trip city, if I mention the lack of a blow job, she promises to do better next time. So I end up remembering our mad clubbing days where we would party for 48 hrs solid and smile. I love my wife dearly and certainly have no room for some other women's affection, but every now and then it's just nice to say this is about me now, so bend over
« Last Edit: December 26, 2014, 08:54:21 PM by Old monk »

Offline SUMO61

Because having an affair is harder work and much less available. Prostitutes are quite accessible and therefore take the power away that women have when they withhold sex. That's why they go ballistic over them.

Spot on. Many married women know this power and use it to control their husbands.

I was a victim of this for many years, so took up punting. Yet more years of guilt, anxiety and std worries, you know the score..

Then, one day, I read a brilliant book, Shut Up Move on and had a moment of clarity, I took control back. I stopped asking for sex from the missus..I stopped being a victim..

Two years on now, haven't shagged her and more to the point, I don't want to either... Still love her, we get on great, have a good life together etc.  I don't miss it either, because she wasnt a great shag and no oral.

So now I have three regular, quality punts, which I rotate and all is well with my World.

Because life really is too short and is to be enjoyed..

Offline cueball

Well said uniteroad and old monk.

I agree we're wired different, to me sex is just a physical act, by me punting it won't destroy the home (well, in my mind, deluded maybe).

Having said that, I were punting before I met her and the one before that and the one before that and the one before that, oh dear, it's the buzz.

Now, a question for you lads, if wifey found out and agree to stay if you stopped punting would you....

A, stop and never return

B, tell her you've stopped but secretly carry on

C, let her go and carry on punting

For me it would be c, life would be a bloody unbearable nightmare if she knew but stayed

Offline SUMO61

Well said uniteroad and old monk.

I agree we're wired different, to me sex is just a physical act, by me punting it won't destroy the home (well, in my mind, deluded maybe).

Having said that, I were punting before I met her and the one before that and the one before that and the one before that, oh dear, it's the buzz.

Now, a question for you lads, if wifey found out and agree to stay if you stopped punting would you....

A, stop and never return

B, tell her you've stopped but secretly carry on

C, let her go and carry on punting

For me it would be c, life would be a bloody unbearable nightmare if she knew but stayed

Well, I did tell her once, I went for a massage and hand job, because I was very unhappy with the sex life. Much angst and tears, so I said i'd leave.

She begged me not to go, so I stayed..

And guess what changed?   Nothing....Still in separate beds, because I snore, apparently...

So, she knew I punted and no improvement...I think, like a lot of women, they know how to get a man, then turn the tap off, for whatever reason. So, now I don't bother her anymore, we enjoy all the other good aspects of marriage and all is well.

She has never broached the no sex for two years now, but she must know if i've punted once, i'd do it again...

Let sleeping dogs lie, I say. Does she know? I think she chooses not to know and I reckon many others do too..

Offline Andrew Sanderson

Banning reason: Whiteknight + Likely previously banned member

Q: How do you stop your girlfriend giving you a blowjob?








A:  Marry her!

Offline johnnyboy61

I agree with SUMO61 above.  You only live once, if the Missus stops wanting sex why the hell should you go the rest of your life without it! Wouldn't want the emotional attachment of an affair (plus it would be much more difficult to explain away the time) and see visiting prossies just for sex as a lower form of cheating - although sure that the OH wouldn't agree. Perhaps this is why I tend to visit regulars as I'm not looking for more exciting sex than I get in the marital bed, just some sex. 

My married history of visiting WGs has its roots back to when we were first married and there were problems in bed spending many years feeling frustrated staring at OH back in bed when I wanted sex. The only time when sex was frequent was when we wanted children (unfortunately for me we seemed to be quite fertile so this was short lived!). Slowly moved to massage parlours and then onto FS with prossies.  Been married for 30 years and spent 20 years visiting prossies.
Banning reason: Successfully caused damaging problems on UKEscorting

Offline peewee

Cheaper than a mistress and more variety.

The French have a much better take on this.
French wives have done the entrapment and wedded their man. Their man then goes on to have a mistress to do the dirty work for the wife.
Everybody is happy
Simples!
PP


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