what's the closest you have come to being caught by your spouse?

[paul_2407]

Another one comes to mind - decide to get an SP over to a nearby hotel and end up getting some things on one of those delivery apps. Have a good old time with lots of sex.

Next day, get a call from the gf at the time who had been notified as it was an account I must’ve logged into her phone with asking what the f the purchases were and why the odd delivery location. Explained that it was for stuff for my place but had accidentally put in the wrong details. Thank fuck the order didn’t include things that are obviously for a night of debauchery

[webpunter]

Another one comes to mind - decide to get an SP over to a nearby hotel and end up getting some things on one of those delivery apps. Have a good old time with lots of sex.

Next day, get a call from the gf at the time who had been notified as it was an account I must’ve logged into her phone with asking what the f the purchases were and why the odd delivery location. Explained that it was for stuff for my place but had accidentally put in the wrong details. Thank fuck the order didn’t include things that are obviously for a night of debauchery

The GF must have been a bit dippy not to notice delivery to a hotel [edit: if she could see the delivery address etc]
Or she did notice & chose not to mention it
If the latter its for you to try & work out why
Anyways phew ...

[Arripotter1971]

On a punt yesterday she enthusiastically said 69 while giving me a BJ when she swang her leg over my head her heel hit me full on forceably on the eyebrow drawing blood. we didn’t notice until we had finished as room was so dark, initially I thought she had come on, then spotted my split brow :-)
Told the wife I hit my head on tailgate of my van, which I have done before, but the nature of the cut and the way she looked at me she definately thought different. Then when we went to bed she said I have to ask - “You have been fighting again haven’t you” LOL

[standardpostage]

On a punt yesterday she enthusiastically said 69 while giving me a BJ when she swang her leg over my head her heel hit me full on forceably on the eyebrow drawing blood. we didn’t notice until we had finished as room was so dark, initially I thought she had come on, then spotted my split brow :-)
Told the wife I hit my head on tailgate of my van, which I have done before, but the nature of the cut and the way she looked at me she definately thought different. Then when we went to bed she said I have to ask - “You have been fighting again haven’t you” LOL

There's a song "I'm A Lover Not A Fighter" by The Kinks   

[The Vicar of Dibley]

The closest I have ever come to being maybe not "caught" but facing some awkward questions was following a massage.

Upon laying face down on the massage table, with my face through the hole on the end, I must not have moved my head at all for the first 35 to 40 minutes of the massage before being asked to turn over.

When I got home I had a large red indentation running right across my forehead. It looked like I had been wearing a very tight hat.

I thought maybe I was dehydrated and my skin would ping back if I drank water and tea but that and soft rubbing made little difference.

When the missus arrived home I got around it by keeping my reading glasses on and looking at her over the top of the frames with my eyebrows raised to disguise the mark. Ten hours after the massage it was still visible to me.

[webpunter]

The closest I have ever come to being maybe not "caught" but facing some awkward questions was following a massage.

Upon laying face down on the massage table, with my face through the hole on the end, I must not have moved my head at all for the first 35 to 40 minutes of the massage before being asked to turn over.

When I got home I had a large red indentation running right across my forehead. It looked like I had been wearing a very tight hat.

I thought maybe I was dehydrated and my skin would ping back if I drank water and tea but that and soft rubbing made little difference.

When the missus arrived home I got around it by keeping my reading glasses on and looking at her over the top of the frames with my eyebrows raised to disguise the mark. Ten hours after the massage it was still visible to me.

 
Thanks for sharing
Tho it has to be noted that you are in part responsible
Accepting 35mins+ in FDM
I would have dozed off
However these little things they're endless
Small margins 

Whilst no danger pour moi coz the civvy lives a safe distance away i returned from a R&T at the local chinese
Minimal FDM lots of FUM & lots of johnsons
I float home in the motor tanks emptied & watching whatever on the box i think there's something feeling a bit strange back of my boxers
Time to investigate in the bog
Turns out some of the paper towel from the bench has somehow got stuck up my arse crack
Had the civvy been in play that evening i wouldn;t have had the tanks emptied
Howver had she turned up after a quick call like i want some action & when she's arrived i say oooh i'm just gonna get a quick shower [to dispense with the oil] then how do i explain this if she's in the room while i'm getting my clobber off
& it doesnt resemble bog roll either !

[fredhiggins]

The closest I have ever come to being maybe not "caught" but facing some awkward questions was following a massage.

Upon laying face down on the massage table, with my face through the hole on the end, I must not have moved my head at all for the first 35 to 40 minutes of the massage before being asked to turn over.

When I got home I had a large red indentation running right across my forehead. It looked like I had been wearing a very tight hat.

I thought maybe I was dehydrated and my skin would ping back if I drank water and tea but that and soft rubbing made little difference.

When the missus arrived home I got around it by keeping my reading glasses on and looking at her over the top of the frames with my eyebrows raised to disguise the mark. Ten hours after the massage it was still visible to me.

Oh yeah, had similar once.

[Davebizz]

From a previous review of mine for Sexyyy Laura

As to burner phone location, mine is in a box with dozens of other old phones.

Would you ever consider the app Textme. You can just download and delete as you please and is on your exisiting phone

Hope that helps anyone here re communicating with service providers

[Davebizz]

Just thought of another memorable punt that could've easily ended in disaster:

I was visiting an SP who was working from a luxury flat in the city centre. It was posh inside, but very small. The bedroom had a fitted kitchen running along one wall and the only other room was the toilet and shower. Anyway, it started off as a great punt - I'd just walked through the door and she was already snogging my face off and we were soon tearing off each other's clothes and throwing them about the place. After a short while, the SP was kneeling on the floor giving me a fantastic nosh. She suddenly stopped, took my cock out of her mouth and said, "can you smell burning?" We looked around the room to see her top smouldering on top of the ceramic hob where it had landed during our frantic undressing. She'd made herself some dinner earlier, and had forgotten to switch it off. Fortunately, she managed to grab it before it caught fire, but there was a large circular burn mark right in the middle of it. She didn't seem too bothered, shrugged and carried on with the job in hand, or rather mouth. It was only on the way home that I thought what would've happened if it was my T-shirt that had landed on the hob? It was summer and I had no other jacket or jumper with me, and it was late evening so all the shops were shut so I couldn't have bought another one. How the fuck would I have explained that when I got home? 

Omg im dying at the thought of you just walking in to the house and wifey saying “hey there is a hole in your shirt, what happened”  - Eastenders doof doof max branning worried face comes to mind - your reaction

[Davebizz]

wait... you booked an outcall to your parents house, and waited upstairs in the bedroom for the WG and left the door fully unlocked so she could walk in.
that sounds absolutely mental. Practically asking to get robbed.

Does sound crazy but when we are horny unfortunately all logic goes out the window and we do silly silly things just like…

Me and mrs were out for the day and i was scheduling an evening booking (heading out to gym excuse) and my battery dies so what do i do? I used mrs phone, said i had to text my gym friend, quickly got the number from AW and sent the whole story to sp re that my battery had died and was using mrs phone(sp couldve screwed me over but i was hoping she was with it + was too horny for the meet). I put in my request and ended the text by saying - if that sounds good w you reply “yep mate see you at 8 at the gym”. Then deleted my message - BUT FORGOT TO CLEAR HISTORY WAS TOO FOCUSED ON QUICKLY CLOSING THE TAB - AW WAS THERE IF HISTORY CHECKED.
I hadnt even realised at the time all i was thinking about was what if sp replied wrong and busted me so i thought ill say my mate is fucking with me and playing a joke.

Handed phone back. 5 mins later PING. I was shitting it the time it fucking took her to open her bag, fumble some shit and eventually get the phone out i was frozen like iceage. Luckily sp came good with exactly the text i had asked. “Your friend said yeah he will see you at 8” - FEW i was relieved.

Finished the outing, got home charged phone and resumed comms as normal had the meet and done, or was it ?

Realised post clarity how much shit i was potentially in. Mrs has the number in her texts so lets say one day im late from the gym she could easily phone that number to see where i am and if sp picks up - RIP

So i thought fuck i need to get that phone again to delete the message. I didnt know what to do as i dont know the code and if i ask again on the same day theres no way that wouldnt bring suspicion. So i hatched a plan - when going to bed that night i put my phone on for charge downstairs. Then went to bed…
Next day

“Morning mrs etc etc chit chat i wanna go for a jog today”
Mrs - “but you just went to the gym last night why not rest etc”
“My friend and i agreed we would jog more as i want to try and do a triathlon in the summer”
Mrs was fine with that and then with that warming up process i took my shot :
“Can i just check the weather on your phone mine is charging downstairs” - luckily was a sunday otherwise this plan would never have been possible to attempt as id need my phone for the alarm weekday and how the fuck would i explain using her phone for a alarm

She handed phone over was half sleepy anyway.

I deleted the text YAY and what happens next i think is even crazier then asking for the phone for a second time
I went to google (as ive now signed up for a jog on a sunday morning feeling groggy as anything) to actually check the weather and THANK THE LORD she was signed in to her google account so when i opened the search bar to search weather guess what comes up first - MY ADULTWORK SEARCH for the sp provider - i had compeltly forgot and almost choked but luckily my reaction went unharmed.

Deleted the search, deleted the aw history bit, went for a jog and that was that.

Lesson as Herb Dean says - PROTECT YOURSELF AT ALL TIMES

I pray that i dont do such crazy risks again but when horny all reason goes out the window

[The Outsider]

Does sound crazy but when we are horny unfortunately all logic goes out the window and we do silly silly things just like…

Me and mrs were out for the day and i was scheduling an evening booking (heading out to gym excuse) and my battery dies so what do i do? I used mrs phone, said i had to text my gym friend, quickly got the number from AW and sent the whole story to sp re that my battery had died and was using mrs phone(sp couldve screwed me over but i was hoping she was with it + was too horny for the meet). I put in my request and ended the text by saying - if that sounds good w you reply “yep mate see you at 8 at the gym”. Then deleted my message - BUT FORGOT TO CLEAR HISTORY WAS TOO FOCUSED ON QUICKLY CLOSING THE TAB - AW WAS THERE IF HISTORY CHECKED.
*Snip*

Yeah, who needs a burner phone when you can save the cost and just use your wife's mobile! 

[Davebizz]

Yeah, who needs a burner phone when you can save the cost and just use your wife's mobile! 

Honestly mate - recently ive been thinking i need to get my head examined after such a howler of a move

Wouldnt wish that level of stress on anyone what i felt those 20 hours or so

Bet even that useless dumb fart Andrew mountwanker-batten would even tell me that was a “rather peculiar” thing to do
AND YES i was sweating prefusely 

[Iamforreal]

Texting the girl from your wife's phone??
Never heard anything like it.... it's like you want a divorce 
I know we do stupid things when little man is in charge, this beats all the stories from this thread for me 

[HXFunster]

I had one a few months back, had a punt and after saying my goodbyes went to get some petrol and food for the drive home, Went to pay with my watch and realised I didn’t have it in, instant panic thinking “shit I’ve left it at the house” so tried to ring her and straight to voicemail, left it a few minutes then tried again and rang out with no reply, dropped a WhatsApp explaining what had happened still no reply so drove back and noticed her car had gone and no reply when I knocked.
Spent an hour ringing/texting and left a voicemail explaining I needed the watch before going home.
Started to think she’d obviously found it and was just ignoring me.
Just as I was about to set off home she messaged to say she’d popped out for lunch and just got back home and found it, luckily was able to grab it then get back home before wife finished work.
Not sure how I’d of explained my lost new watch been in a location 90 mins from my house 

Also 1st punt I ever had I forgot to give the WG the key card for the room back and got back to my hotel room before she called to tell me she needed it, I ended up driving back to her hotel only for someone to drive into the side of me ! Luckily they only hit my wheel so no body damage, got car checked out before driving home the day after but again would of had to explain how it happened once home.

[webpunter]

I had one a few months back, had a punt and after saying my goodbyes went to get some petrol and food for the drive home, Went to pay with my watch and realised I didn’t have it in, instant panic thinking “shit I’ve left it at the house” so tried to ring her and straight to voicemail, left it a few minutes then tried again and rang out with no reply, dropped a WhatsApp explaining what had happened still no reply so drove back and noticed her car had gone and no reply when I knocked.
Spent an hour ringing/texting and left a voicemail explaining I needed the watch before going home.
Started to think she’d obviously found it and was just ignoring me.
Just as I was about to set off home she messaged to say she’d popped out for lunch and just got back home and found it, luckily was able to grab it then get back home before wife finished work.
Not sure how I’d of explained my lost new watch been in a location 90 mins from my house 

I happen to have an apple watch as for wearing whilst punting not in a month of sundays
I do like to like to be able to discretely check on the time remaining, to hopefully time blast off to perfection with 5 mins left clobber on & outta there
When the urge strikes & i've occasionally been wearing said watch i've turned it off leaving it on my wrist so as not to leave behind
Apple tech has some random weird features & i can just imagine a combination of words which sounds like 'siri answer phone' ⬇️
The ex wifey would never let me live it down laarfing her tits off & the GF who is 'sharp as' would watch me squirm b4 going in for the kill
What is required is an easy to read at a glance low value punting watch
For UKPers with OHs leave it in the glove box chucked in there - hiding in plain sight - ooh i thought i'd buy it for when doing DIY not wanting to damage my main watch



Hidden Image/Members Only

[webpunter]

Texting the girl from your wife's phone??
Never heard anything like it.... it's like you want a divorce 
I know we do stupid things when little man is in charge, this beats all the stories from this thread for me 

It beats everything from this thread & other similar ones
By a country mile
And some
I would liken it to playing russian roulette with one chamber empty rather than the other way round 
It could be that he indeed wants a divorce
& i can see his OH saying if you think that this is going to split us up you will have to try harder than that
This is really frightening the OP thinking he's home & dry on the upcoming split 

The OP thinks he's gotten away with said events
What he is forgetting that wimin remember pretty much everything
They are like elephants who never forget
Like where a water hole is 1,000 miles away in Africa
Its stored to be revealed when wifey so chooses to with but the slightest prompt on strange behaviour
She remembers like it was yesterday in incredible detail

Either that or she's gettin it large elsewhere & sees hubby's fuck up as a bargaining tool when the time comes

[Davebizz]

It beats everything from this thread & other similar ones
By a country mile
And some
I would liken it to playing russian roulette with one chamber empty rather than the other way round 
It could be that he indeed wants a divorce
& i can see his OH saying if you think that this is going to split us up you will have to try harder than that
This is really frightening the OP thinking he's home & dry on the upcoming split 

The OP thinks he's gotten away with said events
What he is forgetting that wimin remember pretty much everything
They are like elephants who never forget
Like where a water hole is 1,000 miles away in Africa
Its stored to be revealed when wifey so chooses to with but the slightest prompt on strange behaviour
She remembers like it was yesterday in incredible detail

Either that or she's gettin it large elsewhere & sees hubby's fuck up as a bargaining tool when the time comes

Interesting way of putting it

There were so many fuck ups along the way one being the things she couldve asked is how do i know my gym friends number by heart. Id have no clue what to say other than i downloaded the facebook app and got it from there as he sent it to me there initially. I always prepare for each point thrown my way and enjoy the thrill. I dont want a divorce but am addicted to doing risky things always have been. Biggest weakness and biggest strength as well i guess

Ha what makes you think theres a definite split ?

[webpunter]

Interesting way of putting it

There were so many fuck ups along the way one being the things she couldve asked is how do i know my gym friends number by heart. Id have no clue what to say other than i downloaded the facebook app and got it from there as he sent it to me there initially. I always prepare for each point thrown my way and enjoy the thrill. I dont want a divorce but am addicted to doing risky things always have been. Biggest weakness and biggest strength as well i guess

Ha what makes you think theres a definite split ?

An interesting post not much
Brilliant & hilarious at the same time
Its like a FPPOV drone it happened you cant make it up
Very entertaining
Which is probably why you have got away with it
Maybe ...
It's made my few fuck ups [scary @ the time] pale into insignficance
Definite split ?, i have no idea & didn't suggest this
I've seen some real mates do incredibly stupid punting related things which i;ve mentioned to them
They've countered with some valid pointers in my direction mates is mates
There are numerous threads punters using their own normal mobile [my assumption not a lot about them], having a separate mobile, having hidden apps however this takes thinsg to a whole new level
Our fave sport does provide for thrills as we [well the active ones] know all too well
Might i suggest that you quit while you are ahead & for at least the next few months do nowt to arise any suspicions

[Blackpool Rock]

Interesting way of putting it

There were so many fuck ups along the way one being the things she couldve asked is how do i know my gym friends number by heart. Id have no clue what to say other than i downloaded the facebook app and got it from there as he sent it to me there initially. I always prepare for each point thrown my way and enjoy the thrill. I dont want a divorce but am addicted to doing risky things always have been. Biggest weakness and biggest strength as well i guess

Ha what makes you think theres a definite split ?

There's a parallel thread running on another site for women mirroring this one saying how she's going to wipe the fucking floor with him 

[Chazz]

Does sound crazy but when we are horny unfortunately all logic goes out the window and we do silly silly things just like…

Me and mrs were out for the day and i was scheduling an evening booking (heading out to gym excuse) and my battery dies so what do i do? I used mrs phone, said i had to text my gym friend, quickly got the number from AW and sent the whole story to sp re that my battery had died and was using mrs phone(sp couldve screwed me over but i was hoping she was with it + was too horny for the meet). I put in my request and ended the text by saying - if that sounds good w you reply “yep mate see you at 8 at the gym”. Then deleted my message - BUT FORGOT TO CLEAR HISTORY WAS TOO FOCUSED ON QUICKLY CLOSING THE TAB - AW WAS THERE IF HISTORY CHECKED.
I hadnt even realised at the time all i was thinking about was what if sp replied wrong and busted me so i thought ill say my mate is fucking with me and playing a joke.

Handed phone back. 5 mins later PING. I was shitting it the time it fucking took her to open her bag, fumble some shit and eventually get the phone out i was frozen like iceage. Luckily sp came good with exactly the text i had asked. “Your friend said yeah he will see you at 8” - FEW i was relieved.

Finished the outing, got home charged phone and resumed comms as normal had the meet and done, or was it ?

Realised post clarity how much shit i was potentially in. Mrs has the number in her texts so lets say one day im late from the gym she could easily phone that number to see where i am and if sp picks up - RIP

So i thought fuck i need to get that phone again to delete the message. I didnt know what to do as i dont know the code and if i ask again on the same day theres no way that wouldnt bring suspicion. So i hatched a plan - when going to bed that night i put my phone on for charge downstairs. Then went to bed…
Next day

“Morning mrs etc etc chit chat i wanna go for a jog today”
Mrs - “but you just went to the gym last night why not rest etc”
“My friend and i agreed we would jog more as i want to try and do a triathlon in the summer”
Mrs was fine with that and then with that warming up process i took my shot :
“Can i just check the weather on your phone mine is charging downstairs” - luckily was a sunday otherwise this plan would never have been possible to attempt as id need my phone for the alarm weekday and how the fuck would i explain using her phone for a alarm

She handed phone over was half sleepy anyway.

I deleted the text YAY and what happens next i think is even crazier then asking for the phone for a second time
I went to google (as ive now signed up for a jog on a sunday morning feeling groggy as anything) to actually check the weather and THANK THE LORD she was signed in to her google account so when i opened the search bar to search weather guess what comes up first - MY ADULTWORK SEARCH for the sp provider - i had compeltly forgot and almost choked but luckily my reaction went unharmed.

Deleted the search, deleted the aw history bit, went for a jog and that was that.

Lesson as Herb Dean says - PROTECT YOURSELF AT ALL TIMES

I pray that i dont do such crazy risks again but when horny all reason goes out the window

You remind me of an old schoolmate of mine who was addicted to risky thrills. I remember him bragging about his favourite pastime, the 'Dangerwank'. He'd spread jazz mags all over his bed and start to pull himself off. Just before the vinegar strokes, he'd shout out, "Mum! Quick! I need your help!" This would then give him a few seconds to cum, clean himself up and  clear all the evidence away before his mum came into his bedroom to ask what the fuck he wanted. This scenario used to horrify me as a teenager, especially as I knew his mum. Fuck knows where he is now - I expect he died years ago in some bizarre self-asphixiation wanking accident on the back of a public toilet door somewhere.

[Davebizz]

You remind me of an old schoolmate of mine who was addicted to risky thrills. I remember him bragging about his favourite pastime, the 'Dangerwank'. He'd spread jazz mags all over his bed and start to pull himself off. Just before the vinegar strokes, he'd shout out, "Mum! Quick! I need your help!" This would then give him a few seconds to cum, clean himself up and  clear all the evidence away before his mum came into his bedroom to ask what the fuck he wanted. This scenario used to horrify me as a teenager, especially as I knew his mum. Fuck knows where he is now - I expect he died years ago in some bizarre self-asphixiation wanking accident on the back of a public toilet door somewhere.

Wow your mates example is definitly similar to what i do. I wank off to mrs mates’ social media pics and when she is coming to the bedroom i stop the jerking but leave their pics open whilst mrs in the room for the thrill and she thinks im just scrolling or whatever. Then if she hops into bed i close the app or if she leaves the room i continue the wank 

[Davebizz]

There's a parallel thread running on another site for women mirroring this one saying how she's going to wipe the fucking floor with him 

V unlikely she uses or even knows about these kind of sites. She only talks to friends/family.

But even in the off chance she does spy around, the thrill risk taker which i am, i kinda like that it makes everything feel like an extra spice to it.

I even have fantasies of going out for a meal with her. And i know this ‘massage’ place literally 2 shops down from a nice chinese restaurant. Ill say im going out to (excuses guys give me some suggestions) check the car or whatever and go for a quick 5 min handy then come back to the restaurant.
The safer option is if there is no parking outside then:
1. Drop her at restaurant
2. Say im going to park the car a little further afield
3. Park and go for quick handy
4. Go to restaurant for some nice chow mein

[webpunter]

This thread has been taken to a whole new level
Dangerwank WTF
Reminds me of ⬇️

Hidden Image/Members Only

[riskytimes]

I left blue pills on the bed by mistake !! got distracted by texting forgot all about them when missus came home she went upstairs and found them !!! i said my mate took them ansd suggested i try them for a boost of a boner !!! then i said mind you love they can raise your heart rate etc so i dont think its a good idea , she yes you are right throw them away !!! did i ???? not on your nellie . they were used for an extended punt later that week . But her finding them was almost heart attack .

[webpunter]

I left blue pills on the bed by mistake !! got distracted by texting forgot all about them when missus came home she went upstairs and found them !!! i said my mate took them ansd suggested i try them for a boost of a boner !!! then i said mind you love they can raise your heart rate etc so i dont think its a good idea , she yes you are right throw them away !!! did i ???? not on your nellie . they were used for an extended punt later that week . But her finding them was almost heart attack .

quality 
your nic is most apt
that she didn't suggest you try out the boner boost on her what do you reck ?

[Razor Boy]

A good few years ago a WG and I would text each other quite regularly, we got on well and mostly it wasn't sexual texts. She had an issue with her flat and asked my opinion and I was texting my Mrs at the same time. I sent a text to my Mrs that was supposed to be for the WG , just as my Mrs pulled into the drive after work...I nearly shit myself ! There were three kisses at the end of the text and it was obviously to a woman I knew quite well. Had to think on my feet and apologised that I'd sent hers text meant for a work colleague that had asked for advice.
She looked at me straight faced and said that maybe next time don't put the kisses on.

Not a word about it since and I have been  very careful to WhatsApp WG's ever since as I only text the Mrs

[the gardener]

At the end of a session one afternoon the sp was tidying up and couldn't find the Condon wrapper. We looked around couldn't find it, put it down to one of those odd occurrences and I left.

That night when getting undressed for bed I noticed something stuck to my leg. Yes you've guessed it the missing wrapper. OMG!!! brushed it off quickly. My wife was sitting in bed reading. Would have been rather difficult to explain if my wife had noticed it!

[standardpostage]

At the end of a session one afternoon the sp was tidying up and couldn't find the Condon wrapper. We looked around couldn't find it, put it down to one of those odd occurrences and I left.

That night when getting undressed for bed I noticed something stuck to my leg. Yes you've guessed it the missing wrapper. OMG!!! brushed it off quickly. My wife was sitting in bed reading. Would have been rather difficult to explain if my wife had noticed it!

I didn't realise, they were that sticky 

[AlwaysLooking]

Whilst Mrs AL was out at work, I thought I could have a very long lunch break from work (WFH) and have some fun. Loaded up AW on the laptop, found someone, a few texts later I'm out the house an on route (about an hours drive away).

Fast forward to after the meeting of fun, and I've got a text from Mrs AL. 'Don't feel well, coming home'

Her office is only 45 mins from home, I'm an hour from home (and should be there), and shit, I can't remember if I've closed AW down on my laptop.

Somehow, I managed to get home just before she did - yes I'd left AW up, on the dining room table, and although my laptop had locked itself she knows the password.

Had the quickest shower I've ever had, logged back into work computer. As she pulls up on the drive, I messaged her to check she was ok, and told her I was in work meeting. She replied she was just going to bed, so never saw or questioned my wet hair.

Think I aged 20 years during that hour!

[RedKettle]

Whilst Mrs AL was out at work, I thought I could have a very long lunch break from work (WFH) and have some fun. Loaded up AW on the laptop, found someone, a few texts later I'm out the house an on route (about an hours drive away).

Fast forward to after the meeting of fun, and I've got a text from Mrs AL. 'Don't feel well, coming home'

Her office is only 45 mins from home, I'm an hour from home (and should be there), and shit, I can't remember if I've closed AW down on my laptop.

Somehow, I managed to get home just before she did - yes I'd left AW up, on the dining room table, and although my laptop had locked itself she knows the password.

Had the quickest shower I've ever had, logged back into work computer. As she pulls up on the drive, I messaged her to check she was ok, and told her I was in work meeting. She replied she was just going to bed, so never saw or questioned my wet hair.

Think I aged 20 years during that hour!

I always make sure I have a reason to be out and preferably to be at least near to where the punt is.  Reading your near miss reminds me why I do that! 

[dross]

I read about a guy being found out when his wife was away, she got a notification from her smart bathroom scales at 1am that someone 8st was weighing themselves.

Jesus fucking christ can you imagine?!! 

[dross]

Does sound crazy but when we are horny unfortunately all logic goes out the window and we do silly silly things just like…

Me and mrs were out for the day and i was scheduling an evening booking (heading out to gym excuse) and my battery dies so what do i do? I used mrs phone, said i had to text my gym friend, quickly got the number from AW and sent the whole story to sp re that my battery had died and was using mrs phone(sp couldve screwed me over but i was hoping she was with it + was too horny for the meet). I put in my request and ended the text by saying - if that sounds good w you reply “yep mate see you at 8 at the gym”. Then deleted my message - BUT FORGOT TO CLEAR HISTORY WAS TOO FOCUSED ON QUICKLY CLOSING THE TAB - AW WAS THERE IF HISTORY CHECKED.
I hadnt even realised at the time all i was thinking about was what if sp replied wrong and busted me so i thought ill say my mate is fucking with me and playing a joke.

Handed phone back. 5 mins later PING. I was shitting it the time it fucking took her to open her bag, fumble some shit and eventually get the phone out i was frozen like iceage. Luckily sp came good with exactly the text i had asked. “Your friend said yeah he will see you at 8” - FEW i was relieved.

Finished the outing, got home charged phone and resumed comms as normal had the meet and done, or was it ?

Realised post clarity how much shit i was potentially in. Mrs has the number in her texts so lets say one day im late from the gym she could easily phone that number to see where i am and if sp picks up - RIP

So i thought fuck i need to get that phone again to delete the message. I didnt know what to do as i dont know the code and if i ask again on the same day theres no way that wouldnt bring suspicion. So i hatched a plan - when going to bed that night i put my phone on for charge downstairs. Then went to bed…
Next day

“Morning mrs etc etc chit chat i wanna go for a jog today”
Mrs - “but you just went to the gym last night why not rest etc”
“My friend and i agreed we would jog more as i want to try and do a triathlon in the summer”
Mrs was fine with that and then with that warming up process i took my shot :
“Can i just check the weather on your phone mine is charging downstairs” - luckily was a sunday otherwise this plan would never have been possible to attempt as id need my phone for the alarm weekday and how the fuck would i explain using her phone for a alarm

She handed phone over was half sleepy anyway.

I deleted the text YAY and what happens next i think is even crazier then asking for the phone for a second time
I went to google (as ive now signed up for a jog on a sunday morning feeling groggy as anything) to actually check the weather and THANK THE LORD she was signed in to her google account so when i opened the search bar to search weather guess what comes up first - MY ADULTWORK SEARCH for the sp provider - i had compeltly forgot and almost choked but luckily my reaction went unharmed.

Deleted the search, deleted the aw history bit, went for a jog and that was that.

Lesson as Herb Dean says - PROTECT YOURSELF AT ALL TIMES

I pray that i dont do such crazy risks again but when horny all reason goes out the window

FML I nearly vomm'ed just reading this, heart in my mouth you FOOL!!  Jesus Mary and Joseph!! Congrats somehow! 

[dross]

Some fucking howlers on here.  Have done the classic forgot to close the browser and forgotten to delete downloaded SP photos which have AW stamped on them!  The worst for me was nearly paying by ApplePay with the wrong card, the machine made a beep but I pulled the phone away just in time and it error'd, my heart stopped for a few seconds and the lady was super confused as barely spoke English (was in Japan) but it was ok in the end.  I had seriously horrible flashbacks for a few days after of what it could have been as would have been a dead ringer if she'd googled it (she would have).  Took a few minutes to get calm after that but was just about worth the stress - https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=446857

Another I've just remembered was losing my wallet immediately after having a very raunchy 4 hand FBSM massage (still on cloud 9 obvs) and having to go back and search for it from the parlour to where I'd realised and couldn't find it, didn't know if they'd stolen it (they hadn't, they were lovely but in that moment you panic and trust no-one)... but some lovely lady on the street had found it and handed it in and the bank called me.  So stressful!!

Also remember years ago in Asia getting a rub and tug massage and getting back to the hotel and luckily going for a piss, noticed some oil still and washed it off before my GF then pounced on me and immediately sucked me off, the oil would have been a dead ringer for what I'd been up to.

[Davebizz]

Jesus fucking christ can you imagine?!! 

Thats insane omg im dying thats a terrible way to find out. Would love to know what happened thereafter

[The Vicar of Dibley]

Another I've just remembered was losing my wallet immediately after having a very raunchy 4 hand FBSM massage

I once lost a shoe in a FBSM shop. Ridiculous isn't it? I mean how many places can a shoe hide in those small rooms?

When I get undressed I take my shoes and socks off and put a sock in each shoe. I left them tucked under a chair but when I went to get dressed one shoe was gone. It wasn't under the massage table where perhaps it got accidentally kicked by the masseuse. It wasn't kicked into a corner. It wasn't anywhere, it was as if it had disappeared into a black hole.

When I told the masseuse she turned the lights up bright with the dimmer switch and we searched the room top to bottom, but to no avail. We even looked in places it had no logical reason to be such as in the cupboard under the sink where soap and sanitiser were stored and in and on top of a small wardrobe that had massage oil and rolls of paper for the table. We searched for so long that the boss knocked on the door to say "time up". I explained the situation to the boss and she looked but she couldn't find it either. In the end I had to leave....

Imagine how stupid I looked and felt walking out of a Chinese Massage shop, along a high street and back to my car with one bare foot !!

To really cap the day off when I pulled up at my house I noticed my daughters car parked. She had come home from work sick and was in the kitchen when I walked in. She obviously asked why I only had one shoe. I came up with a story that I had trodden in a huge pile of dog shit that had covered my shoe and sock and was so foul that I had to throw both away so as not to get it all over the car footwell. Of course this story had to be repeated to the wife later as well.

What a day !!!!   

[webpunter]

What a day !!!!   

Not much 
Anyways thinking on your feet [well rather foot] saved the day 

With real mates who go punting i have mentioned that kids can present a greater risk than the OH
Its their inquisitive nature
& their brains are wired differently 
The OH thinking you are a clueless idiot & mentioning how much it will cost to replace the shoes 

[dross]

I once lost a shoe in a FBSM shop. Ridiculous isn't it? I mean how many places can a shoe hide in those small rooms?

Bonkers!! Although, quite a revealing rare story so hope it doesn't spotted by you know who!

[Pscz]

Not a close call with the spouse, but recently I was bored at home, so thought I'd make my excuses to maybe go out and get a walk in massage somewhere.  A couple places in mind, but not really set on where to go.  Drove over there, first place had another bloke outside, I think doing the same, pretending to be busy on his phone so as not to get spotted entering while I sat in car, so dashed that option. 

2nd option was a newly opened shop, I got there and saw they were open, was ready to park up and take my chances on getting a booking, then noticed a family friend, entering the unit next door.  I had been there before, and completely forgotten their business was there.  Got to thank my lucky stars, because that would have been a very awkward one.  That put me off my plan and I went back home.

[mark.gent.552]

I visited a SP and she failed to put the first condom, so she threw it out and got a new one.
After I come home, had a cup of tea etc I noticed a condom in the house by the front door!
SP threw condom on the ground by the bed, got stuck to my shoe when I was dressing up, was there when I was driving home and detached itself by the front door! Glad I spotted it first, not some other family member!

[macman26]

I visited a SP and she failed to put the first condom, so she threw it out and got a new one.
After I come home, had a cup of tea etc I noticed a condom in the house by the front door!
SP threw condom on the ground by the bed, got stuck to my shoe when I was dressing up, was there when I was driving home and detached itself by the front door! Glad I spotted it first, not some other family member!

How funny - but if you kept cool you just stuck on the foot from a road.

[PuntyMcPunter]

I always make sure I have a reason to be out and preferably to be at least near to where the punt is.  Reading your near miss reminds me why I do that! 

same here.
the most common hotel where WGs are near me is also right next to an MG dealership.  so my alibi is prepared - I've dropped a few mentions that I really like the MG cyberster,  (not that IU would buy one, but just like looking at it)

i never mention the hotel of course, but if, somehow she spots my location or I happen to see someone I know my alibi will be "I was parked at the hotel as I was sneaking a look at that new MG I've been talking about"  I've even got a few photos taken at that dealer saved on my phone from the dealer I can show her

 of course, this excuse will only work once or twice maybe, but its there as a backup.

[webpunter]

I visited a SP and she failed to put the first condom, so she threw it out and got a new one.
After I come home, had a cup of tea etc I noticed a condom in the house by the front door!
SP threw condom on the ground by the bed, got stuck to my shoe when I was dressing up, was there when I was driving home and detached itself by the front door! Glad I spotted it first, not some other family member!

This thread keeps getting better 

Where did you put the nodder as a matter of interest ?

[webpunter]

same here.
the most common hotel where WGs are near me is also right next to an MG dealership.  so my alibi is prepared - I've dropped a few mentions that I really like the MG cyberster,  (not that IU would buy one, but just like looking at it)

i never mention the hotel of course, but if, somehow she spots my location or I happen to see someone I know my alibi will be "I was parked at the hotel as I was sneaking a look at that new MG I've been talking about"  I've even got a few photos taken at that dealer saved on my phone from the dealer I can show her

 of course, this excuse will only work once or twice maybe, but its there as a backup.

Don't share your location
If the OH insists on you having this switched on tell her this burns the battery on your mobile
Which it does & you mention not the best battery blah blah
Rather than telling her to off you fuck for being a nosey cow which is the reality of the situation

[Iceman90]

Got drunk, made a rookie mistake and came home smelling of perfume with make up all over my shirt after an evening with my side chick. I just said I was trying out perfumes that I might buy for her and that the make up must have been her own. She didn’t buy that at all but didn’t challenge me further. Now I hit the gym after just to shower and make sure there’s no evidence. Also she shares her location with me but I don’t share mine and she’s never picked up on it. Keep my phone locked and all notifications off or silent.

[paul_2407]

Got drunk, made a rookie mistake and came home smelling of perfume with make up all over my shirt after an evening with my side chick. I just said I was trying out perfumes that I might buy for her and that the make up must have been her own. She didn’t buy that at all but didn’t challenge me further. Now I hit the gym after just to shower and make sure there’s no evidence. Also she shares her location with me but I don’t share mine and she’s never picked up on it. Keep my phone locked and all notifications off or silent.

She's definitely shagging your neighbour lol

[hamchang]

Probably too many times to be honest being caught or nearly.

With the exwife, we were on the sofa one day and I had my laptop. Was going to show her something on email, and to logon in autotyping mode I stuck in the email address of my whoring email. She was no fool and that mistake just from the user name, led to the email being breached, and then her linking to a whoring forum. I told her it was just a naughty story place (she was not British) and I sort of got away with it, except when she realised the links went to sex workers. Then she found chats, emails, and all sort resulting in her screaming uncontrollably at me for about 2 hours which was nice. I just sat there and took it, knowing that she would go to her friends very shortly and I would pop out for a fuck. Marriage ended fairly swiftly after that which I was glad of in all reality.

With the current one, I was in London working and it was during this fuck with a Thai girl which was really fun. Lots of chatting and laughing and noises. 30 minutes later I am out the door and glance at my phone to see a call that has been connected to my wife's mobile for 30 minutes. Somehow I had pocket dialed her and she had answered. It would have been just as I had arrived and the girl went to stash the money and I put the phone in my jeans pocket  with keys etc all rolled up in the jeans. I hung up the call, and later I thought fuck it and said "Heh I called you earlier. Couldn't hear fuck all. Is your phone OK?" and she said it was very muffled and couldn't hear me either. I told her I was in a shop.  We tried the phones again and like magic "all fine now". I really thought she had heard the lot, and I am quite vocal. Next day I recreated the scenario with my punting phone playing loudish talking radio with the phone wrapped up as was. I couldn't hear anything so relaxed a little. Checking the timing of the start of the call and the "come now" message on the punting phone the timings confirmed that she probably did not hear anything dodge like "so suck no condom, cum on your cute face, kissing how much is that?!"

Another time I arrived back to the house we were living in abroad and I had had a threesome. I knew I stank of perfume and sex, but no problem she was supposed to be out at her parents for the afternoon so load of time to wash, and launder clothes. But no, there was her car and could see her through the window. So I made like I did not see her and walked over to the swimming pool, into the pool house. Put my phone and wallet on the side and got the testing kit out. Just as I was leaning over the pool taking a sample, she came out the patio door and said hello which scared the shit of me  and I fell straight into the pool head first in my shock. Oh how she laughed at me fully dressed in the pool covered head to toe in the sweet blessed warm embrace of the scent of chlorine.

Then recently there was the time I'd been in the car with her. Day before I had had a nice session with a SB, and the punting phone was connected to bluetooth. I forgot to turn that phone off, so it had connected from it's hiding place. Call came in and I answered it. Nigerian accent. "We have a problem my friend. You booked an escort, one of my girls and you wasted her time" over the hands free. Was rather garbled though and I said "fucking scammers fuck off" and hung up the call. Reject the barrage of calls that came in after that until I managed to disconnect the phone. I then had to spend the next month pretending to being plagued by scam calls until I changed my number which was a ball ache. Needless to say, punting phone is not a bluetooth enabled phone now.

Not cut out for all this subterfuge 

[Iamforreal]

Probably too many times to be honest being caught or nearly.

With the exwife, we were on the sofa one day and I had my laptop. Was going to show her something on email, and to logon in autotyping mode I stuck in the email address of my whoring email. She was no fool and that mistake just from the user name, led to the email being breached, and then her linking to a whoring forum. I told her it was just a naughty story place (she was not British) and I sort of got away with it, except when she realised the links went to sex workers. Then she found chats, emails, and all sort resulting in her screaming uncontrollably at me for about 2 hours which was nice. I just sat there and took it, knowing that she would go to her friends very shortly and I would pop out for a fuck. Marriage ended fairly swiftly after that which I was glad of in all reality.

With the current one, I was in London working and it was during this fuck with a Thai girl which was really fun. Lots of chatting and laughing and noises. 30 minutes later I am out the door and glance at my phone to see a call that has been connected to my wife's mobile for 30 minutes. Somehow I had pocket dialed her and she had answered. It would have been just as I had arrived and the girl went to stash the money and I put the phone in my jeans pocket  with keys etc all rolled up in the jeans. I hung up the call, and later I thought fuck it and said "Heh I called you earlier. Couldn't hear fuck all. Is your phone OK?" and she said it was very muffled and couldn't hear me either. I told her I was in a shop.  We tried the phones again and like magic "all fine now". I really thought she had heard the lot, and I am quite vocal. Next day I recreated the scenario with my punting phone playing loudish talking radio with the phone wrapped up as was. I couldn't hear anything so relaxed a little. Checking the timing of the start of the call and the "come now" message on the punting phone the timings confirmed that she probably did not hear anything dodge like "so suck no condom, cum on your cute face, kissing how much is that?!"

Another time I arrived back to the house we were living in abroad and I had had a threesome. I knew I stank of perfume and sex, but no problem she was supposed to be out at her parents for the afternoon so load of time to wash, and launder clothes. But no, there was her car and could see her through the window. So I made like I did not see her and walked over to the swimming pool, into the pool house. Put my phone and wallet on the side and got the testing kit out. Just as I was leaning over the pool taking a sample, she came out the patio door and said hello which scared the shit of me  and I fell straight into the pool head first in my shock. Oh how she laughed at me fully dressed in the pool covered head to toe in the sweet blessed warm embrace of the scent of chlorine.

Then recently there was the time I'd been in the car with her. Day before I had had a nice session with a SB, and the punting phone was connected to bluetooth. I forgot to turn that phone off, so it had connected from it's hiding place. Call came in and I answered it. Nigerian accent. "We have a problem my friend. You booked an escort, one of my girls and you wasted her time" over the hands free. Was rather garbled though and I said "fucking scammers fuck off" and hung up the call. Reject the barrage of calls that came in after that until I managed to disconnect the phone. I then had to spend the next month pretending to being plagued by scam calls until I changed my number which was a ball ache. Needless to say, punting phone is not a bluetooth enabled phone now.

Not cut out for all this subterfuge 

Oh dear, so many near misses 
Good read and very funny, but honestly it's just a matter of time.

[dross]

Hamchang raise your game dude geeeez 

[webpunter]

Oh dear, so many near misses 
Good read and very funny, but honestly it's just a matter of time.

A matter of time indeed
Not if but when ...

This track could be appropriate for @hc
External Link/Members Only
'Everybody Wang Chung tonight'

@hc you should get it as the ringtone on your mobile
I very dare you

[hamchang]

A matter of time indeed
Not if but when ...

This track could be appropriate for @hc
External Link/Members Only
'Everybody Wang Chung tonight'

@hc you should get it as the ringtone on your mobile
I very dare you

Phones always on silent these days and not even sure what ring tone it has! I only whore a couple of times a year right now but when I retire back to Asia in a few year, trouble might indeed be brewing.