Happily married v punting - are they compatible

[Quesadilla]

If you got married in the UK this applies: "Marriage, according to the law of this country is the union of two people, voluntarily entered into for life, to the exclusion of all others."


How are we defining exclusion of all others?

Looking at another woman? Talking to her, going for a coffee, quick snog, touching her ass?

Then what about wanking to porn, is that OK? What about wanking over the next door neighbour/ their daughter etc?

Massage with a HE, assisted masturbation, 10 min wank in the car etc etc.

Just posing the question, seems like it's not a black and white issue.

It's pretty black and white in UK law - it's called "adultery" and defined as "penetrative sex with a member of the opposite sex". Ie someone who is not your spouse.  Interestingly enough this appears to give homosexuals freedom to shag as many people as they like as they will be same sex. 

Can't find a clear definition as to whether heterosexual anal sex classes as penetrative sex for legal purposes as it's always been a special case in UK law.  But your massage with HE is fine, as is a BJ.  Obviously masturbation, thinking about sex, phone sex, webcam sex are all not adultery in law.

Your spouse may take a different view of course, but would not allow her to divorce you for adultery, just "unreasonable behaviour".

[Quesadilla]

This subject isn't something you can generalise on, each punter will have his own reasons for punting & it has fuck all else to do with anyone else as the risks involved are mine & mine alone.

Quite frankly I would never be so arrogant as to take the moral high ground against my fellow punters on this subject matter, punters that in the main are here to share experiences & information that undoubtedly will help me get value for money in the hobby of my choosing.

If a wanted a morality lesson I would chock off my cock & join numbs-net.
 

I am neither generalising nor moralising but perhaps you are too illiterate or just plain ignorant to know the difference.  All I said was and I'll summarise:
If you think you have a "happy marriage" and you are punting without your wife knowing you are kidding yourself / in denial.
By punting without your wife's knowledge you are knowingly risking your marriage - and the stability of your family if you have kids - for your own selfish reasons.
From the above I infer that you actually don't care about your wife / kid's happiness only your own.
By doing the above it doesn't necessarily make you a bad person as in an absurd and meaningless universe sometimes being a selfish cunt is the only sane thing to do. I have indeed congratulated members like Akauya for their honesty in this so no judgement from me.
However - don't try and kid yourself or us that it's something else, and if you do don't be a whiny bitch when you're called on it. 

[Quesadilla]

This is all very strange from my point of view. Primarily because marriage in Asia is rarely ever for love.

In which case, adultery is not an issue I assume?

In the UK sadly women do buy into the whole romantic love myth and expect when they get married for their husband to be faithful. I know, crazy isn't it? 

But men continue to get married whether because they buy into the myth themselves, or just pragmatically don't want to be lonely and think that's the only option, want kids and see that as the only option, or maybe for tax / financial reasons for that matter. 

Then they realise the sex in the first few years of marriage was as good as it's ever going to get and weigh up their options.  De facto celibacy (ie only shagging when her indoors lets you), adultery, or separation / divorce.  It's not a good situation in the UK. As others have pointed out in other countries / cultures adultery / affairs are viewed quite differently.   

Sadly conservative values still reign here.

[CBPaul]

I am neither generalising nor moralising but perhaps you are too illiterate or just plain ignorant to know the difference.  All I said was and I'll summarise:

If you think you have a "happy marriage" and you are punting without your wife knowing you are kidding yourself / in denial.
I am happy at home and I punt, quite simple, no kidding myself and no denial from me, I am fully aware of what I am doing

By punting without your wife's knowledge you are knowingly risking your marriage - and the stability of your family if you have kids - for your own selfish reasons.
Correct and I have admitted on numerous occasions that it makes me a total bastard

From the above I infer that you actually don't care about your wife / kid's happiness only your own.
Big inference and also an over simplistic generalisation. I really would not go around telling those of us with kids that we do not care about them when you have no knowledge what so ever of our family life or how we parent our children.

By doing the above it doesn't necessarily make you a bad person as in an absurd and meaningless universe sometimes being a selfish cunt is the only sane thing to do. I have indeed congratulated members like Akauya for their honesty in this so no judgement from me.
However - don't try and kid yourself or us that it's something else, and if you do don't be a whiny bitch when you're called on it.

[Quesadilla]

I am neither generalising nor moralising but perhaps you are too illiterate or just plain ignorant to know the difference.  All I said was and I'll summarise:

If you think you have a "happy marriage" and you are punting without your wife knowing you are kidding yourself / in denial.

I am happy at home and I punt, quite simple, no kidding myself and no denial from me, I am fully aware of what I am doing

By punting without your wife's knowledge you are knowingly risking your marriage - and the stability of your family if you have kids - for your own selfish reasons.

Correct and I have admitted on numerous occasions that it makes me a total bastard

 
But would you agree at least to some extent that although you are happy, you don't necessarily have a "happy marriage"? 

From the above I infer that you actually don't care about your wife / kid's happiness only your own.

Big inference and also an over simplistic generalisation. I really would not go around telling those of us with kids that we do not care about them when you have no knowledge what so ever of our family life or how we parent our children.

Fair comment.  I am a bit emotive about it being godfather to four kids from adulterous divorces who are messed up by it.  They won't speak to their respective dad's which I think is tragic.  I also have friends who's own parents went through the same crap when they were kids and still feel the fall out today. One of them had a nervous breakdown, attempted suicide, and has been in therapy for years - result being it's ruined his own marriage and relationship with his kids as well.

If I'm honest I guess what has wound me up a bit on this site is the rather casual attitude of some to risking their family in this way.  It's not a moral issue for me, more a pragmatic one from my own experience. 

I agree my inference is therefore stated a bit harshly and over-simplified but a certain member on here wound me up so I was feeling a bit testy at the time. 

However although I have no doubt you might be the best parent ever in terms of how you treat your kids - believe me the friends I mentioned above couldn't do enough for theirs - you also know that by living this secret double life you are taking a huge risk with their long term security / happiness - just to satisfy your own selfish needs?

 

[StevenS]

Why are you still preaching? It's pretty condescending really. Do you expect the members who have families to sit up and thing "fuck! He's right! I better stop because I hadn't considered this properly!"

I've not seen anyone whine about "being called out" but I would suggest that being called out for punting, on a punting forum, by someone who punts, is only going to make you look like a first class prick.

[yorkshire123]

I am neither generalising nor moralising but perhaps you are too illiterate or just plain ignorant to know the difference.  All I said was and I'll summarise:
If you think you have a "happy marriage" and you are punting without your wife knowing you are kidding yourself / in denial.
By punting without your wife's knowledge you are knowingly risking your marriage - and the stability of your family if you have kids - for your own selfish reasons.
From the above I infer that you actually don't care about your wife / kid's happiness only your own.
By doing the above it doesn't necessarily make you a bad person as in an absurd and meaningless universe sometimes being a selfish cunt is the only sane thing to do. I have indeed congratulated members like Akauya for their honesty in this so no judgement from me.
However - don't try and kid yourself or us that it's something else, and if you do don't be a whiny bitch when you're called on it.

You seem to be under the illusion that my post was aimed purely at you. It was simply my feelings on the matter in hand but your arrogance blocked your ability to see that so you felt the need to personally insult me, if I was a sensitive soul then I could be offended by your scathing remarks & offer to meet up for a bit of a man on man discussion. Luckily I'm not so wont 

[StevenS]

 

[RedKettle]

The originally question is whether being happily married and punting are compatible - in my view and that of others they clearly can be, albeit in many cases (not all) a potentially explosive mix.  Also there will be cases where the punting is a symptom of an unhappy marriage and is just one step on the way to the end.  In others it will be a sticking plaster that perhaps allows the marriage to stagger on, which may or may not be for the benefit of the parties to it and any children.

My problem is more with Q's simplistic generalisation and his arrogance that he can see inside and successfully analysis every marriage in the country.

This is an imperfect world and most of us try our best to make our way in it with some decency and by doing the right thing.  Often compromises are needed and for me punting is a compromise that I choose to make, not particularly proud of it but equally it does not cause sleepless nights - unless I ever booked an overnight!

[Quesadilla]

You seem to be under the illusion that my post was aimed purely at you. It was simply my feelings on the matter in hand but your arrogance blocked your ability to see that so you felt the need to personally insult me, if I was a sensitive soul then I could be offended by your scathing remarks & offer to meet up for a bit of a man on man discussion. Luckily I'm not so wont 

I apologise for the illiterate / ignorant remark, that was uncalled for. The "whiny bitch" comment was not aimed at you just part of my summary.

As stated, I have gotten a little heated on the topic for personal reasons and will now bow out.  I have already put certain people on my ignore list so I won't feel the need to get wound up again.

[CBPaul]

As stated, I have gotten a little heated on the topic for personal reasons and will now bow out.  I have already put certain people on my ignore list so I won't feel the need to get wound up again.

Best idea yet.

You have a set of experiences, marriage failure, God Children but they are only you're experiences and do not necessarily apply to anyone else. The number of other punters in disagreement clearly shows that.

 

[smiths]

This subject isn't something you can generalise on, each punter will have his own reasons for punting & it has fuck all else to do with anyone else as the risks involved are mine & mine alone.

Quite frankly I would never be so arrogant as to take the moral high ground against my fellow punters on this subject matter, punters that in the main are here to share experiences & information that undoubtedly will help me get value for money in the hobby of my choosing.

If a wanted a morality lesson I would chock off my cock & join numbs-net.
 

Absolutely.

[Ravanelli]

offer to meet up for a bit of a man on man discussion.

Sounds a bit gay to me 

[galcom666]

In which case, adultery is not an issue I assume?

Well Chinese men up until the commies took over could have 4+ wives.

Marriage is kind of like divorce tbh in Asia. Once you get married as the MAN you pay for everything. She can keep all she earns you're not a man if you take money off your wife. The man pays for everything like alimony.

As such Asia is a marriage grave yard. Men think fuck that shit and look for white girls to marry instead where western values of sharing each other's wealth applies more.

[SamLP]

An interesting debate. I once had a conversation with a friend who's religion allows them to marry more than one wife. One of the arguments he made was that the male brain is wired differently from women, and that they can love more than one women and have multiple partners without it affecting their affection for the other(s) whereas a woman's love and affection is concentrated on that one man, but as soon as she finds he has been unfaithful, her faith in him is usually shattered and there's no way back. Of course marrying more than one wife is different from marrying one and punting with many other girls secretly. So does happily married vs punting actually exist. It may do from a man's POV, although personally I wouldn't punt when married, luckily I am currently single.

[sublimetoridiculous]

... personally I wouldn't punt when married ...

You will.

You just don't know that yet.

[akauya]

You will.

You just don't know that yet.

 

[spaceman979]

I couldnt do it, punt while i was married, but thats because i dont do guilt, cant handle it, and it would eat away at me, but that is just me, must be my strict upbringing, but to those who can, then why not, what im trying to say is we are all different,

as for marriage, yes my ex wife went of it , and a lot of what i read of ather peoples experience resonates clearly , however here is a though , to those who say their wives have gone off sex, have you thought she has gone off sex , ,,, with you ? mine did, but strangley enough she hadnt gone off fucking the bloke she worked with !

and in the year i have been single, thanks to dating sites and being free and single , i can tell you i have known plenty of women who have told me they have gone off sex with their partners, but have been more than happy to re ignite it with another male !

[herelonely]

I'm not usually easily wound up but this has done it.
Quasidella,  you assume a perfect world. I have a high sex drive, enjoy experimenting and believe sex is between to ACTIVE people, my wife disagrees with all of the above.
Now, you will no doubt think that I should either accept this and 'suffer' or leave someone who I do live and hope to grow old with etc and my children. How would any of us benefit here? Yes, I am taking a risk, but we all take risks thst could cause our family pain if they went wrong in some way (smoking, drinking,  punting,  affairs, drugs, driving tired -I do know not all the same. !)
So I have the status quo, kids have happy parents together,  wife has hubby in good job providing forfamily lots of friends good house etc and doesn't get 'hassled' for a part of life she has not interest in and I have my cake and to a certain extent eat it (something shes never let me do to her...)
So please do wind your neck in a little, there is a pretty big school of thought that ANYONE who punts is a cunt.

[SamLP]

You will.

You just don't know that yet.

 
I understand that is the general consensus, but knowing myself I wouldn't be able to go through with it.

[shagbambi]

I understand that is the general consensus, but knowing myself I wouldn't be able to go through with it.

You don't know until you have lived the situation.  Don't be so smug.

Once a whore always a whore.  Once a punter always a punter.  No relationship or ring is going to stop you once you have punted more than twice.

[spaceman979]

i lived the situation, and i couldnt, as i say we are all difeerent , and thats the point

[SamLP]

You don't know until you have lived the situation.  Don't be so smug.

Once a whore always a whore.  Once a punter always a punter.  No relationship or ring is going to stop you once you have punted more than twice.

Where was I being smug? I said personally I wouldn't be able to punt when married. That doesn't make me smug, that makes it my personal decision in my personal affairs.

Many members were offended by the OP's remarks, but you're doing exactly the same. Not every man is the same, so having punted more than twice and been married previously I disagree with your comment. People quit drugs, smoking and booze. I won't be quitting sex if I remarry, I will just quit punting. However, it's a pointless point as I'm single and happy to punt.

[RedKettle]

I agree with you SamLP.  If at some point in the future I was marrying again I would like to think that I would at least give it a go without punting. I may end up back doing the married and punting thing but equally perhaps not, that is the whole point is it not, each person and relationship is different.

[CBPaul]

I'm not usually easily wound up but this has done it.
Quasidella,  you assume a perfect world. I have a high sex drive, enjoy experimenting and believe sex is between to ACTIVE people, my wife disagrees with all of the above.
Now, you will no doubt think that I should either accept this and 'suffer' or leave someone who I do live and hope to grow old with etc and my children. How would any of us benefit here? Yes, I am taking a risk, but we all take risks thst could cause our family pain if they went wrong in some way (smoking, drinking,  punting,  affairs, drugs, driving tired -I do know not all the same. !)
So I have the status quo, kids have happy parents together,  wife has hubby in good job providing forfamily lots of friends good house etc and doesn't get 'hassled' for a part of life she has not interest in and I have my cake and to a certain extent eat it (something shes never let me do to her...)
So please do wind your neck in a little, there is a pretty big school of thought that ANYONE who punts is a cunt.

  Well put.

[shagbambi]

Once you have punted and you are comfortable in doing it and you then enter a relationship you will always know where the safety valve is.  It is very simple.

Many things happen in life. Sadly it is not black and white.  There are an infinite number of shades of grey.  The person you will be in 20 years time, the values that you may have and your motivations will change depending on a large number of inputs based on future relationships and experiences.  The smugness comes from believing you know the type of person you will be at some point in the distant future.  You may know yourself today, possibly tomorrow but 20 years in the future, no.