Rub and tuggery is a dying art in Glasgow. So here's a message to all the SPs charging top whack for full service and suffering from a dusty phone. Ladies, do this:
1.Learn how to give a proper massage. Take a course if you have to.
2.Learn how to give a B2B massage. Naked too, none of this keeping-your-undies-on crap.
3.Allow touching & maybe even oral, but feel free to charge extra, over and above the recommended hourly HE rate of say...£60.
4.That might sound less than £100-£120, but really, there's a chart on the law of supply and demand, and if you pitch your price correctly, you'll make more than ever. Without having sex!
5.Have half-decent premises, with heating, and a shower. Nobody's expecting a penthouse, but nobody wants a shitty student bedsit from 1994, either.
6.Or a £150 a month office room where you can hear the letting agents through the plasterboard partition boil their kettle just as your punter hits the vinegar strokes. This is your business. Invest.
7.Learn how to give a handjob. If you think pulling at it until the skin chafes is good technique, give up and get a job in Matalan. Please.
8.Smile. Maybe even learn to chat. You've got somebody's dick in your hand. Make him feel you're happy about that.
9.Be sexy. This may sound obvious, but if you dress in some skanky 5 year old outfit and bark at your customer, it's as alluring as a hammer on the baws.
10.Include a photo in your ads. It doesn't have to be of your face, but reassure us you're not James Corden in fishnets.
Print this out and keep it somewhere safe. Use it to make a million quid. You're welcome.
