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Author Topic: Sexual Health Checks for punters  (Read 6041 times)

Offline potato

Anyone got any tips as a possible excuse for Holycrosser in case the Gum report is bad? Time to help a punting buddy in need I think?

I'm trying to think what I would do in that situation.   Confess to a one night stand ?  or lads night out and got cajoled into something all the other lads were doing?  Or an extreme one that might just work - confess to a bi sexual encounter because  it was on his bucket list - had a bit of oral but wasn't for him so left?  I suggest the bi thing because it is less threatening from a partners point of view than admitting to shagging another woman..and it isn't likely to happen again if it was a one time fantasy thing.  Any other thoughts?

Offline Toshiba

I came up with this last year, ive always suspected something was wrong after the girl before you was a right skank, but this was 5 years aho and im trying to convince her these things lie dormant, its my only hope that the clinic or the internet dont put her straight as most dont lie dormant

Its my only hope which at the minute is working, till we get the results then fuck knows

Offline johnny34

I came up with this last year, ive always suspected something was wrong after the girl before you was a right skank, but this was 5 years aho and im trying to convince her these things lie dormant, its my only hope that the clinic or the internet dont put her straight as most dont lie dormant
Its my only hope which at the minute is working, till we get the results then fuck knows
If the above fails you could admit to a drunken bj after a night out (recently) with some mates?

Offline JV547845

I told the GUM clinic about bareback with an ex over a decade before my first test this year and they just shrugged it off.  I really doubt anything other than a handful of infections (like the one they vaccinate school girls for, HPV) can show no symptoms for that long.

I wouldn't worry too much at this point though.  Even after a positive test result there's always a significant chance it's a false positive so you should get a re test.

Offline webpunter

Don't do OWO so trying to work out stuff about the Hep viruses
Working on the principle that with condoms for BJ & sex then unlikely to catch anything
Any advice ?

Offline Toshiba

Ive another back up plan but i just would like feedback if this could work?

I buy a payasugo pne, send a text to mine saying its from xxxxxxx clinic "all clear"....then deal with the original text if positive, then it will send her into thinking hiw the fuck does she have an std, it could work? And back up my dormant theory??

Just dunno if its feasible but im gonna have to lie and deny as i dont want to lose my civvy life

Thoughts on that?

Offline johnny34

I think the more complicated you make it the harder its going to be to remember & you might drop yourself right in it. The results will probably take up to 2 weeks to come back. So stick to the story so far & if need be have a 'one off thing' as a back up that you didn't want to admit to her about. Hopefully, the test will be negative & all this is a warning/near miss.

Offline Salt

Just playing devils advocate.....

could she be playing away?
Banning reason: Prossie fanboy

Offline potato

Ive another back up plan but i just would like feedback if this could work?

I buy a payasugo pne, send a text to mine saying its from xxxxxxx clinic "all clear"....then deal with the original text if positive, then it will send her into thinking hiw the fuck does she have an std, it could work? And back up my dormant theory??

Just dunno if its feasible but im gonna have to lie and deny as i dont want to lose my civvy life

Thoughts on that?

She may want to check the text number if she is suspicious so I would be wary of making things more complex than they already are...

Someone mentioned the Dean Street Express clinic earlier - same day results. I would be inclined to slope off and get them to check you out ahead of your missus getting her results. Then at least that would give you some thinking time and we could see what we can come up with?

If they use the same arm for blood then at least it won't show..

Offline Toshiba

Just playing devils advocate.....

could she be playing away?


Take it from me whos cheated for the last 10 years and been found out, id know if she was

No , it will come from me using pro$$ies for owo, its weird cos my knob is fairly healthy looking

So i will sit tight and deal with it if its bad, im a bag of nerves inside but what will be will, one thing if i pull through i simply cant return to this.unless i become single

Offline Dani

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Had my second visit to a gum clinic yesterday, im in the middle of shitting myself although me and my partner suffer from thrush often she has developed a horrid coloured discharge to go with a thrush fueled fanny.ive got no symptoms but that can happen, im hoping if both our test come back with a bug i can talk my way out of it , im going down the route of saying these things can lie dormant and i hope she buys it, she seems to be at the minute. Ive had lots of owo and im now waiting thee results but fearing the worst.


I would not worry so much.  It is quite normal when thrush is left untreated or fights being treated that an unusual horrid discharge is present.  It can be odourless or of a foul odour a bit like rotten eggs mixed with fish guts.  The thrush may have also left her sore inside leading to an infection which again can leave an awful discharge.  There are different forms of thrush as well so she may have one that is very virulent and leaves a different discharge to the one she is used to seeing.
A quick swab and a week later she will have the results (you cannot get these results sooner as a culture needs to be grown). 
Try not to worry yourself as although it could be an STI it is quite unlikely if you are showing no symptoms (unless she is playing away of course).  It is probably due to the thrush in one way or another.  Get a couple of pessaries and some strong pills from the doctor as well and it should clear up (she will need both if a strong strain) Oh and some live yoghurt to stop any soreness and otching

Offline webpunter

However we have had thrush problems in the past
Loads of women have thrush & it comes & goes.  Blokes can get this & then it goes backwards & forwards.  My understanding is that thrush is naturally occurring & symptoms can develop just through having a vigorous sex session / giving her a good seeing to.  Just get the canesten out & it should go away.  But you need to keep on rubbing the cream in.  Don't stop straight away after the symptoms go away.  And take a tablet as well that come with the combined pack
There are some sex related infections that can be picked up donkeys ago & lay dormant.  And these can come back simply by being run down or stressed.  So you can't totally get rid of these - unless you blast the fuckers with loads of anti-biotics and even then its not 100%.  You can then put this down to something you picked up before you met the OH.  Think the condition like a non specific urinary tract infection.  But i'm not Doc Martin.  Must be a doctor in the house on UKP.  Maybe get some medical advice from the Dean Street mob when going for a test - so you can come up with some excuses which are likely to stand-up to cross examination by the OH.  I'd cover the bell-end with stuff like dettol / savlon liquid / the works.  Fuck knows if this works
Hopefully you'll get the all clear.  Fingers crossed.  Then lay off the punting for a while.  Whilst the OH's attenae are on high alert.  Then you can ease back into it.  And lay off the OWO.  I've read that something like 1 in 50 WG's has some type of infection in the throat area.  Which isn't affecting her - other than a sore throat.  But the bell-end reacts differently

Offline Toshiba

Thanks for the gee up guys n dolls

He thrush(hoping) is easing a bit, shes done all the tablets and stuff, we sit and wait for test results now. Ive no symptoms other than a bit thrushy but i took tablet and am using cream.

Hope its just thrush, bloody nightmare waiting

Offline ManInBlack

Thanks for the gee up guys n dolls

He thrush(hoping) is easing a bit, shes done all the tablets and stuff, we sit and wait for test results now. Ive no symptoms other than a bit thrushy but i took tablet and am using cream.

Hope its just thrush, bloody nightmare waiting

I wouldn't worry until you get the results, there's no point as it might come back as nothing. 

Having said that, I know what it's like to have these worrying thoughts.  I'm married and my first couple of punts involved owo, that had my head completely battered until I'd had a test, and that was without even thinking I'd picked something up!  I just hated the thought that I might pick something up and pass it on.  So after those first couple of punts I go for protected oral, i find it ok actually.

If you're both susceptible to thrush then hopefully its down to this.

Good luck with it

Offline webpunter

Having said that, I know what it's like to have these worrying thoughts.  I'm married and my first couple of punts involved owo, that had my head completely battered until I'd had a test, and that was without even thinking I'd picked something up!
+1 on OWO / feels great at the time.  But then not soon after there is that nagging doubt in the back of my mind.  Kind of takes away from the punting fun.  After a while & no symptoms appear then any concern evaporates.  If no OH or regular GF in play then i'd do OWO most of the time.  Making a judgement call each time.  I view OWO as the only real risk that i'm not really in control of - well other than putting a nodder on.  Not getting caught involves a whole bunch of risk areas & manageable if careful.  At least down to a certain risk level.  I've seen ratios quoted that 1 in 50 WG's has some form of infection in the mouth / throat which transferrable.  1 in 50 is too high a risk for me.  "i'm out"

Offline Not_today

Another unknown worry now is this Ebola, no cure :(

Yeah, you just gotta sweat it out ;)

Offline drwho

Thanks for advice. Did my first GUM check a week or so ago (all clear).
I planned a visit to sign on at my local GPs as an alibi to any needle marks.

Unfortunately I had to do the GUM before the GPs due to the appointment time and walk in hours.
When the GUM nurse went to take the blood sample I asked her which side the normal nurse would take my blood pressure from, so she doesn't see the needle mark and think I'm a drug addict or something.
She just said to offer my 'safe' arm when they pass the blood pressure cuff.

This didn't quite work out though, as at the GPs they insisted on using the same arm as the GUM blood test, due to the length of the rubber tube and where it was sat on the desk.
I fumbled around trying unsuccessfully to remove the little sticking plaster from the needle mark, but the nurse saw it.

"oh you've had a blood test.....that's why you wanted to use the right arm...."

Then she apologised and we both went quiet.....and my blood pressure reading was through the roof (193/something)

The GUM is very close to the GPs and don't doubt that she knows exactly what I'd been up to. Hopefully nothing goes on my record though...

Offline JV547845

Hopefully nothing goes on my record though...

Pretty sure GPs have better things to do and funnier dinner party anecdotes.

Offline broksonic

I heard that they push a needle in your Japs eye .    Just the thought of this makes me worried to visit a clinic
Banning reason: White-knight leaver

Offline Jonahp

I heard that they push a needle in your Japs eye .    Just the thought of this makes me worried to visit a clinic

They don't. They do however put a tiny tiny plastic loop down there like half an inch.
Yes it stings a bit. But only for a second then it's over.
I promise No needles went in my japs eye when I got the full monty of tests at my GUM clinic.

Offline Owwhatanight

You only get a camera not a needle down your japs eye if they think you have prostate, bladder or kidney problems.

Offline JV547845



You only get a camera not a needle down your japs eye if they think you have prostate, bladder or kidney problems.

The hypodermic needles only go in your arm, dick head.

They do however put a tiny tiny plastic loop down there like half an inch.

What's that to test for exactly that won't show up in a decent urine or blood sample?  Did you tell them about specific symptoms?

""Then she apologised and we both went quiet.....and my blood pressure reading was through the roof (193/something)""

Get that sod sorted before you do anything else, thats severe hypertension.

Unless it came  waaay  down whilst you were there. Something like 140 over 70 to 80

Just a reminder to most everyone on the board to have it checked from time to time. I can tell you a few horror stories on that being missed out:(.

Also..

""There are some sex related infections that can be picked up donkeys ago & lay dormant.  And these can come back simply by being run down or stressed.  So you can't totally get rid of these - unless you blast the fuckers with loads of anti-biotics and even then its not 100%""

Thats usually because there're Viruses and not bacteria. Herpes is one example ..

More and more Bacteria are getting risistant, the clap is one of them its almsot totaly risistant now some strains that is..
« Last Edit: September 06, 2014, 11:36:36 PM by Watts.E.Dunn »

Offline Owwhatanight


The hypodermic needles only go in your arm, dick head.

What's that to test for exactly that won't show up in a decent urine or blood sample?  Did you tell them about specific symptoms?

Cut out the abuse.....i said camera not needle.
I thought i had a dose from OWO, sim symptoms but after a reg check, blood test and urine sample i was clear but had slight blood in my piss.
I was sent to see a specialist who said they need to check further with an ultra scan & the camera Its a very common test for other issues

Offline JV547845

Cut out the abuse.....i said camera not needle.
I thought i had a dose from OWO, sim symptoms but after a reg check, blood test and urine sample i was clear but had slight blood in my piss.
I was sent to see a specialist who said they need to check further with an ultra scan & the camera Its a very common test for other issues

Quoted the wrong guy sorry.  Normal routing checks don't have anything up your japsy


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