mrjoydivision,
I am deeply saddened to hear about your mother and what you went through. There’s no words that can express it. I think many of us imagined such a possibility early in the pandemic, wondering if and when one our nearest and dearest would suddenly disappear from our lives. There are many in your position. Seething with frustration, anger, wondering what else could have been done. And also looking to blame someone and there are plenty of targets, one of whom you mention.
I don’t know how long ago it was, you say February ‘21, but I expect it still feels like yesterday. And what’s especially trying is that friends and others will want to be there for you — but for a few weeks. After that human nature kicks in and they somehow expect you to ‘get over it’. It can be harsh.
I expect you know this, and not to sound too academic, but there are well-defined stages of bereavement, and any and all of us experience or have experienced them. The first is usually denial, how could it possibly happen? They’re not coming back? Really, has it happened?? And anger, a natural human emotion soon kicks in. Or a sort of bargaining with ourselves (or God if you’re religious) — if only I had done something different, found a way to protect her. (I rehearsed that one in advance many times at the start of the pandemic). Anger and depression kick in at different times, as does blaming oneself or others. We can’t avoid these feelings — but recognising it’s a natural psychological process can sometimes help, at least with some people.
I’m a bit of an extremist in terms of covid-19 safety measures. You might have seen from my early posts. I don’t trust the government, I don’t think the measures were soon enough or strong enough. I devised my own. I posted on here: think apocalypse! But then I also realised there’s always going to be an unknown factor. Death and disaster can strike anyone, anywhere, at any time. The disaster you describe in your life has, as you know, affected millions around the world. Everyone we know will die, some before us. The only positive is to think “it will happen one day, and I won’t be here, I’ll be buried, blown up, or falling off a hospital trolley, and there’s only so much time before it happens but also I’ve got all the time that there is, each day, what do I want to have done with my life?
I can sympathise with your voting intention. We’ve all voted out of anger at some point. But I want to be rational person. I hate Nicola Sturgeon (when I think about her), but I never took the opportunity to become a politician when it was suggested to me. I think Boris and a Starmer are both incompetent, but they’re just doing a job and, like most of us, falling far short of perfection. I’m not going to waste my life being angry with other people. It clouds the thinking process. I want to live life passionately, make a mark, however small, for those who come after me; I’d like a different kind of government, but it’s not one that for which the steps will gain ready support yet.
We maybe have different views about some things: but we’re also two human beings. Boris is another in the periphery of our lives — a powerful periphery, but we’ve never even met him. Is he personally responsible for many unnecessary deaths? Possibly yes: Cummings had a better plan, but he wasn’t popular enough for people to listen. So what? We voted. We got. Let’s hope that the govt after the next election will not be worse than the one we have now, let’s hope it might be better?
One other take-away … I hope you perhaps allow yourself time, every so often, to commemorate the good memories, sayings, lessons, kindnesses of your mother. I believe it can honour her more than, or as much as, revenge. Also, eventually, maybe give you some small sense of peace.
Best wishes. M.
