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Author Topic: Taking a dump in her flat...  (Read 4623 times)

Offline k

Haha yeah used the sink, initially tried bog roll but spotted a cloth so wetted that, wiped then put it in the bin, she'll get a shock!
After you came, you noticed she didn't have any Wet Wipes.  She went to the bathroom, came back, somewhat puzzled, then said: I'm sorry I can't find the cloth I use to wipe the spunk off, you'll have to make do with toilet paper.

A bit like your reviews fuck face.
I do not mind a joke but I dislike being insulted for no good reason that I can discern. You do not have to read my reviews if you do not like them.

Offline k

I do not mind a joke but I dislike being insulted for no good reason that I can discern. You do not have to read my reviews if you do not like them.
+1

Offline maxxblue

I do not mind a joke but I dislike being insulted for no good reason that I can discern. You do not have to read my reviews if you do not like them.

With you on this, HP.


Offline akauya

Too Much Information.... (if I'm not mistaken)


Offline Toby

So yesterday's punt got of to an interesting start.
Entered this polish WG's flat and immediately needed to take a shit, I felt it coming on maybe 20mins before but thought I could hold, I think that bottle of tropicana helped move things along.
Went to the loo hoping for a clean "Gilliam McKeith odourless one wiper" instead I got the aftermath of last nights BBQ, took me ages to clean up was tempted to jump in the shower then thought nah, let's give her a gentle introduction to hard sports haha  :lol:
 :cool:

So, to summarise: you had a shit, and you didn't clean your arse properly. Hardly something to boast about.


Offline webpunter

This reminded me of one of my posts - 'most bizarre punting experience':   https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=22516.msg349880#msg349880
I've cut & pasted the relevant bits below - sorry if a bit long.  I was suffering from verbal diarrhea [as well as out of my arse]
*****
Many moons ago on a trip to Marbella / PB.  At the Navy bar & it was getting late - so the girlies were looking for their last client
Discounting was available down from €250/hr to €150
I was too wrecked to negotiate any more & she was a really hot russian babe.  Agreed the deal & walked outside
Decided i needed to go to the bogs as 'the turtle was poking its head out'.  Mentioned this & said i'd go back inside & be out like a couple of mins
She must have thought i was going to change my mind so she said that i could use her loo in her flat
I said its no probs - it'll be a couple of mins tops & i'm deffo coming straight back out
She was having none of it & took me by the hand & led me up the road to her apartment a couple of hundred metres away
I was expecting at least a 1 - 2 bedder and a separate bog.  But no its a studio with the world's smallest small room
No window & the smallest extractor fan in the world.  You can all guess what's going to happen next
>
>
Turned on the extractor fan & the only thing this did was make a little noise, but not enough !
After a few days drinking beer, vodka red bulls & eating rich food i was begiining to get worried
There wasn't even a proper door.  It was one of the fold up jobbies
I searched round for some air-freshener - waste of time
In my drunken state i am then trying to figure out how to curl one out quietly
No chance - it sounded like a heavy machine gun going off
The toilet was one of those strange foreign ones [not unexpected in spain] with a sloping back wall [about 30-40 degrees]
'It' flopped onto the back wall & then slowly slid into the water - like the Bismark going down
Time for number 1 flush.  I was concerned about blocking the whole thing up
One more flush & i then had to ready myself
I then got the statement 'are you ok'.   I'm thinking to myself much better thank-you, but not your toliet
Washed my now slightly sweaty face & emerged.   Tried to pull the sliding door back & it got stuck

She's looking at me & has a face which says 'WTF ?'
She then said something similar & that i owed her €150
To which i replied - what for - i haven't done anything [apart from go to the loo]
I got out €10 from a back pocket & sheepishly offered this & said i was leaving & sorry
I was so desperate for a tom-tit that €10 seemed a bargain at the time

Had a few choice words in Russian shouted at me
I said really sorry but i did tell you outside the Navy bar - twice
I smiled suggested €150 + the €10 [as an apology] and this seemed to do the trick[/color]

*****

With you on this, HP.

+1. Better not let him read any of mine..... :lol:

tcm

This reminded me of one of my posts - 'most bizarre punting experience':   https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=22516.msg349880#msg349880
I've cut & pasted the relevant bits below - sorry if a bit long.  I was suffering from verbal diarrhea [as well as out of my arse]
*****
Many moons ago on a trip to Marbella / PB.  At the Navy bar & it was getting late - so the girlies were looking for their last client
Discounting was available down from €250/hr to €150
I was too wrecked to negotiate any more & she was a really hot russian babe.  Agreed the deal & walked outside
Decided i needed to go to the bogs as 'the turtle was poking its head out'.  Mentioned this & said i'd go back inside & be out like a couple of mins
She must have thought i was going to change my mind so she said that i could use her loo in her flat
I said its no probs - it'll be a couple of mins tops & i'm deffo coming straight back out
She was having none of it & took me by the hand & led me up the road to her apartment a couple of hundred metres away

I was expecting at least a 1 - 2 bedder and a separate bog.  But no its a studio with the world's smallest small room
No window & the smallest extractor fan in the world.  You can all guess what's going to happen next
>
>
Turned on the extractor fan & the only thing this did was make a little noise, but not enough !
After a few days drinking beer, vodka red bulls & eating rich food i was begiining to get worried
There wasn't even a proper door.  It was one of the fold up jobbies
I searched round for some air-freshener - waste of time
In my drunken state i am then trying to figure out how to curl one out quietly
No chance - it sounded like a heavy machine gun going off
The toilet was one of those strange foreign ones [not unexpected in spain] with a sloping back wall [about 30-40 degrees]
'It' flopped onto the back wall & then slowly slid into the water - like the Bismark going down
Time for number 1 flush.  I was concerned about blocking the whole thing up
One more flush & i then had to ready myself
I then got the statement 'are you ok'.   I'm thinking to myself much better thank-you, but not your toliet
Washed my now slightly sweaty face & emerged.   Tried to pull the sliding door back & it got stuck

She's looking at me & has a face which says 'WTF ?'
She then said something similar & that i owed her €150
To which i replied - what for - i haven't done anything [apart from go to the loo]
I got out €10 from a back pocket & sheepishly offered this & said i was leaving & sorry
I was so desperate for a tom-tit that €10 seemed a bargain at the time

Had a few choice words in Russian shouted at me
I said really sorry but i did tell you outside the Navy bar - twice
I smiled suggested €150 + the €10 [as an apology] and this seemed to do the trick[/color]

*****

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Good Read that it made me chuckle! :D

I got a right bollocking yesterday on account of leaving a copy of VIZ on the toilet floor (Choice reading when having a dump I find).

Offline webpunter

:lol: :lol: :lol:
I got a right bollocking yesterday on account of leaving a copy of VIZ on the toilet floor (Choice reading when having a dump I find).
Thanks matey - Autotrader for me


Offline CBPaul

+1. Better not let him read any of mine..... :lol:

tcm

+1 again. That went too far  :thumbsdown:

Offline CBPaul

This reminded me of one of my posts - 'most bizarre punting experience':   https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=22516.msg349880#msg349880
I've cut & pasted the relevant bits below - sorry if a bit long.  I was suffering from verbal diarrhea [as well as out of my arse]
*****


 :lol: Good read that one, very entertaining.

Got me thinking of a street girl from years back, boot on the other foot this one.

Parked up on an industrial estate, nice and quiet (must have been close to midnight), gave her the money and all of a sudden she announces she needs a piss. Yeah yeah I thought, that's street girl talk for just popping into the bushes, you'll realise I've done a runner in about 10 minutes. So I decided I too could do with a 'convenient' piss.

Off to a grass verge she goes, down come the jeans, squats down and starts to moan and groan a bit. I'm thinking it must be stinging a bit, bad sign, perhaps I'll give sex a miss with this one.  But then the silence was broken by a  fart of such force that the contents of her lower intestines were sprayed all over. Must have been backing up in there for some time.

Then came, 'have you got any tissues' she says. Fortunately I carried wet wipes in the car so I chucked the pack towards her, made my excuses and went. Felt a bit sorry for her but no way was I risking any remnants of her bowels in my car. Had enough of nasty surprises in the car up until that point.

:lol: Good read that one, very entertaining.

Got me thinking of a street girl from years back, boot on the other foot this one.

Parked up on an industrial estate, nice and quiet (must have been close to midnight), gave her the money and all of a sudden she announces she needs a piss. Yeah yeah I thought, that's street girl talk for just popping into the bushes, you'll realise I've done a runner in about 10 minutes. So I decided I too could do with a 'convenient' piss.

Off to a grass verge she goes, down come the jeans, squats down and starts to moan and groan a bit. I'm thinking it must be stinging a bit, bad sign, perhaps I'll give sex a miss with this one.  But then the silence was broken by a  fart of such force that the contents of her lower intestines were sprayed all over. Must have been backing up in there for some time.

Then came, 'have you got any tissues' she says. Fortunately I carried wet wipes in the car so I chucked the pack towards her, made my excuses and went. Felt a bit sorry for her but no way was I risking any remnants of her bowels in my car. Had enough of nasty surprises in the car up until that point.
the most you ever paid for hard sports? I hope she did not get your car number?
An entertaining story.

Offline CBPaul

the most you ever paid for hard sports? I hope she did not get your car number?
An entertaining story.

 :vomit:

Nothing hard about anything really - the 'sports' or me personally.

As for car reg, I perfected the art of driving off quickly with the lights off for a hundred yards or so when street punting. 

Offline smiths

:lol: Good read that one, very entertaining.

Got me thinking of a street girl from years back, boot on the other foot this one.

Parked up on an industrial estate, nice and quiet (must have been close to midnight), gave her the money and all of a sudden she announces she needs a piss. Yeah yeah I thought, that's street girl talk for just popping into the bushes, you'll realise I've done a runner in about 10 minutes. So I decided I too could do with a 'convenient' piss.

Off to a grass verge she goes, down come the jeans, squats down and starts to moan and groan a bit. I'm thinking it must be stinging a bit, bad sign, perhaps I'll give sex a miss with this one.  But then the silence was broken by a  fart of such force that the contents of her lower intestines were sprayed all over. Must have been backing up in there for some time.

Then came, 'have you got any tissues' she says. Fortunately I carried wet wipes in the car so I chucked the pack towards her, made my excuses and went. Felt a bit sorry for her but no way was I risking any remnants of her bowels in my car. Had enough of nasty surprises in the car up until that point.

Brilliant punting anecdote. :thumbsup:

Offline waxman

A new version of as pulled pork sandwich....

Offline k

:lol: Good read that one, very entertaining.

Got me thinking of a street girl from years back, boot on the other foot this one.

Parked up on an industrial estate, nice and quiet (must have been close to midnight), gave her the money and all of a sudden she announces she needs a piss. Yeah yeah I thought, that's street girl talk for just popping into the bushes, you'll realise I've done a runner in about 10 minutes. So I decided I too could do with a 'convenient' piss.

Off to a grass verge she goes, down come the jeans, squats down and starts to moan and groan a bit. I'm thinking it must be stinging a bit, bad sign, perhaps I'll give sex a miss with this one.  But then the silence was broken by a  fart of such force that the contents of her lower intestines were sprayed all over. Must have been backing up in there for some time.

Then came, 'have you got any tissues' she says. Fortunately I carried wet wipes in the car so I chucked the pack towards her, made my excuses and went. Felt a bit sorry for her but no way was I risking any remnants of her bowels in my car. Had enough of nasty surprises in the car up until that point.
Could have been worse - there was a point in there where I thought you might be being asked if you had scissors to cut the umbilical cord, rather than tissues.

Offline Taggart

Some of these tales are hilarious.

Quirkily, as I was reading the posts, Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire was on the radio = the effect of a vindaloo?

My worst moment was when I'd booked a lady, Charlie118 from AW, and planned to meet after a corporate dinner at a hotel in London. I was 40 mins late getting back due to the lack of cabs, and needed a major dump before we could begin. I think she was seriously pissed with me....

That said, a toilet is a no go zone after I've been. Mrs T is always complaining of the sewage works type smell from the bathroom........


I smiled suggested €150 + the €10 [as an apology] and this seemed to do the trick[/color][/i]
*****

Did you shag her after all that?

Offline mattylondon

Did you shag her after all that?
I was thinking exactly the same thing!  :D

Offline punk

:lol: Good read that one, very entertaining.

Got me thinking of a street girl from years back, boot on the other foot this one.

Parked up on an industrial estate, nice and quiet (must have been close to midnight), gave her the money and all of a sudden she announces she needs a piss. Yeah yeah I thought, that's street girl talk for just popping into the bushes, you'll realise I've done a runner in about 10 minutes. So I decided I too could do with a 'convenient' piss.

Off to a grass verge she goes, down come the jeans, squats down and starts to moan and groan a bit. I'm thinking it must be stinging a bit, bad sign, perhaps I'll give sex a miss with this one.  But then the silence was broken by a  fart of such force that the contents of her lower intestines were sprayed all over. Must have been backing up in there for some time.

Then came, 'have you got any tissues' she says. Fortunately I carried wet wipes in the car so I chucked the pack towards her, made my excuses and went. Felt a bit sorry for her but no way was I risking any remnants of her bowels in my car. Had enough of nasty surprises in the car up until that point.

that was fucking  :D sounds like she is on H or needs to eat more brown flakes for regular movements.

Offline CBPaul

that was fucking  :D sounds like she is on H or needs to eat more brown flakes for regular movements.

Certainly on the brown but not the flakes with milk variety.  :D


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