Pre punting injuries

[SirFrank]

Anyone fucked themselves up before they got to a punt? I planned to punt today and had established some communication last night via AW with a gal. had to sort out a meeting in work first before I could confirm time and booking etc. however around 9.30 I made myself a brew, took it back to my office (while my punting phone was on charge) and as I sat down I crushed my balls. I have no idea what happened but literally my balls got jammed in the undercarriage of my trousers as I sat down. I didn't sit on them (they ain't that saggy... Yet).

Luckily no one else was in the room as I made a gay cry followed by lots of swearing and some dry wretching. I've not felt right all fucking day even now it feels like someone kicked me in the stomach. Needless to say it put paid to any shagging

[Happyjose]

Decided to give myself a trim down below once before a punt. Caught my cock with the electric clippers and broke the skin, very obviously, half way down the shaft. Cancelled booking and wasted one of doctor bongos party pills

[pokenn]

FFS Frank, please can you put a warning before some of your posts. Just spilt my tea laughing at that one.
Oh well, hope your balls are feeling better soon.

[Curious6705]

The hand of fate dealt me big bollocks - not much use for anything - an outsize cock would have been much more fun. Extricating myself from a car after long stints at the wheel used to be excruciatingly painful, until I learnt to take breaks and wear loose fitting trousers. Probably too much information .... anyway ... pre-punt, my problems have been confined to the onset of a cold or the appearance of a spot on my chin or some such. Not an injury as such, but they've meant I've had to cancel plans for a punt.

[yorkshire123]

Anyone fucked themselves up before they got to a punt? I planned to punt today and had established some communication last night via AW with a gal. had to sort out a meeting in work first before I could confirm time and booking etc. however around 9.30 I made myself a brew, took it back to my office (while my punting phone was on charge) and as I sat down I crushed my balls. I have no idea what happened but literally my balls got jammed in the undercarriage of my trousers as I sat down. I didn't sit on them (they ain't that saggy... Yet).

Luckily no one else was in the room as I made a gay cry followed by lots of swearing and some dry wretching. I've not felt right all fucking day even now it feels like someone kicked me in the stomach. Needless to say it put paid to any shagging

 

Sorry to laugh at your misfortune Frank but that has made my day.
I did the same in a meeting full of women once, very nearly threw my guts up & couldn't speak for the duration.

Scolded my bollocks in the shower when prepping for a punt last year, had to cancel as i was walking like john wayne & spent the rest of the weekend ripping the fucking thing out & replacing it (the shower not my nuts)

[Ali Katt]

A bit different ... I was hoovering as I was getting ready and I stubbed my toe on the hoover running to answer the phone. I went ahead with the punt the girl saw my bruised toe which was very painful.

[SirFrank]

Decided to give myself a trim down below once before a punt. Caught my cock with the electric clippers and broke the skin, very obviously, half way down the shaft. Cancelled booking and wasted one of doctor bongos party pills

Yeah I've also done that. Pre punt trim to create the porn star look and make my schlong look marginally longer has resulted in a few nicks. Had to cancel as I looked like I had a fucking dose of herpes

[Yorkle]

Not so much an injury, but the day before a well planned punt I managed to spill anti-climb paint all over my left hand.  Hours scrubbing with a nail brush wouldn't bring it off.  Went through with the meet, but the hand looked so dirty.  Practically banished it to a spectator and used the right hand for as much as I could.

[threechilliman]

A bit different ... I was hoovering as I was getting ready and I stubbed my toe on the hoover running to answer the phone. I went ahead with the punt the girl saw my bruised toe which was very painful.

Interesting pre-punt routine you've got there

[pierrot]

Put a new blade in my razor, noticed I had a few sprouty hairs in my ears, attempted to get them with aforesaid implement, ended looking like I was auditioning for a part in a reservoir dogs remake.
#idiot.

[Ali Katt]

Interesting pre-punt routine you've got there

I wanted to get it out the way as I knew post-punt euphoria I wouldn't be willing to do chores.

Put a new blade in my razor, noticed I had a few sprouty hairs in my ears, attempted to get them with aforesaid implement, ended looking like I was auditioning for a part in a reservoir dogs remake.
#idiot.

The trick is to use tweezers.

[wazzockchops]

About 15 years ago I had driven quite a distance to see a lady and had been directed to call her from a phone box. Whilst making the call I farted, only it was slightly more than a fart, possibly better described as a shart. Even though I tried my best to stop any leakage, there was a little bit.

Hoping I could clean up (and take a shit!) at the punt, I went ahead. The main problem was that the girls apartment was in a sort of granny annex and the bathroom was en suite. If you've ever tried to do one of those really farty sloppy shits quietly you'll appreciate my problems. And it fucking stank too.

She never mentioned the stench and the punt went ahead, but I never showed my face there again!

Apart from that, no actual injuries!

[martynx8]

It takes a lot to make me cry with laughter but your post, Wazzockchops, and Sir Frank's original one, have done just that. Thank you, both of you, for brightening up an otherwise dull evening.

Martyn.

[SirFrank]

About 15 years ago I had driven quite a distance to see a lady and had been directed to call her from a phone box. Whilst making the call I farted, only it was slightly more than a fart, possibly better described as a shart. Even though I tried my best to stop any leakage, there was a little bit.

Hoping I could clean up (and take a shit!) at the punt, I went ahead. The main problem was that the girls apartment was in a sort of granny annex and the bathroom was en suite. If you've ever tried to do one of those really farty sloppy shits quietly you'll appreciate my problems. And it fucking stank too.

She never mentioned the stench and the punt went ahead, but I never showed my face there again!

Apart from that, no actual injuries!

Haha - as my grand father used to say re farts I think there might be a few lumps in that one...

[wazzockchops]

Haha - as my grand father used to say re farts I think there might be a few lumps in that one...

The lady in question has since become a dominatrix, so I should think myself lucky that she didn't trample my bollocks. Saying that, maybe my 'eau de toilette' made her think she'd rather humiliate guys than have sex with them! The straw that broke the camels back.

[webpunter]

It takes a lot to make me cry with laughter but your post, Wazzockchops, and Sir Frank's original one, have done just that. Thank you, both of you, for brightening up an otherwise dull evening.

+1.  Bollocks on the telly tonight.  It's thus UKP time.  And a new post from SirF.  Ace.  Two injuries - albeit self inflicted:

1/ Wanking [too much without any lube] - caused like a v.small blister, taking the top layer of skin off - half way down the shaft.  Fucking painful & decided to leave it a while.  Concerned re health risk [probably non-existent], but then it did form some hard skin / scab like jobby.  Decided wouldn't look too good.  Plenty of moisturizer & some gentle wanking a few days later [after ages in a softening up session in the bath] & problem sorted

2/ Wanking [badly timed] - had a quick scan of 'local' AW girlies.  Nothing of interest.  Decided to knock one out.  Glanced at AW lunchtime ish & guess what.  A top babe in the area for 3 days only.  After a nice leisurely wank the same day then this could have caused problems.  Was due somewhere completely different the following two days.  Then followed a string of expletives aimed at myself - ending with 'WP - you are a CUNT'

To UKP:  "Have I got PPI ?".  If so text your name & number to....

[CoolTiger]

Put a new blade in my razor, noticed I had a few sprouty hairs in my ears, attempted to get them with aforesaid implement, ended looking like I was auditioning for a part in a reservoir dogs remake.
#idiot.

The trick is to use tweezers.

I would also recommend Imaac. Put it on, wait 5 mins (no more than that) and then remove with tissue, followed by washing your ears in the shower.

[bristolbcfc]

About 15 years ago I had driven quite a distance to see a lady and had been directed to call her from a phone box. Whilst making the call I farted, only it was slightly more than a fart, possibly better described as a shart. Even though I tried my best to stop any leakage, there was a little bit.

Hoping I could clean up (and take a shit!) at the punt, I went ahead. The main problem was that the girls apartment was in a sort of granny annex and the bathroom was en suite. If you've ever tried to do one of those really farty sloppy shits quietly you'll appreciate my problems. And it fucking stank too.

She never mentioned the stench and the punt went ahead, but I never showed my face there again!

Apart from that, no actual injuries!

+ one on that!! but it was about 2 months ago for me, no fore warning it must have come from the deepest darkest depths of my bowels!!

[Curious6705]

I would also recommend Imaac. Put it on, wait 5 mins (no more than that) and then remove with tissue, followed by washing your ears in the shower.

I had no idea stuff was growing there until on visits to my barber (female) she would reach into the ear and snip them. It was actually a delicious sensation, which I would not deprive myself of with a hair removal cream. 

[HappyFlyer]

Ouch! I hope you're feeling better already SirFrank 

I have a related tale:

On one of my earliest punts I was so excited the night before that I hardly slept. By morning I was a bleary-eyed mumbling wreck, so in way of stimulation I gulped down several very strong coffees.

Before long a stonking headache developed. By that point I should have called ahead, made my apologies and bailed. But I thought I had a workaround, as being an occasional migraine sufferer I had some powerful prescription drugs in the bathroom cupboard which I hastily consumed.

Due to all of the fatigue-induced faffing-around, I ended up nearly missing the train and had to make a run for it - neatly managing to twist my ankle in an open drain inspection cover on the station platform. I limped onwards but as the journey progressed the ankle was hurting more and swelling a bit, so as soon as the train reached its destination I dived into a chemists and grabbed some Ibupfofen with Codeine.

I should add at this point that I had been suffering from an allergy and so I was also on a course of antihistamines...

Anyhow, nothing short of a bullet was going to stop me meeting the girl I had booked - so on I ploughed.

To cut an even longer story short: By the time I met the girl, I was so tired and woozy that we hardly communicated let alone clicked, my equipment was malfunctioning in its drugged-up state and only barely managed to rise to the occasion, and there was absolutely no chance of me reaching any sort of happy ending, despite the devoted best endeavours of my equally frustrated lady companion 

So it all ended-up as a whopping great disappointment, a total waste of time & money.

At the risk of over-reacting, since then I have made sure I am as chemically clean as possible when I am about to hit the punting trail again. So far I'm even avoiding an excess of junk food and alcohol - even a strong curry - the night before. Although I suspect that most WGs would always appreciate the latter from any punter!

You live and learn...

[webpunter]

About 15 years ago I had driven quite a distance to see a lady and had been directed to call her from a phone box. Whilst making the call I farted, only it was slightly more than a fart, possibly better described as a shart. Even though I tried my best to stop any leakage, there was a little bit.
Hoping I could clean up (and take a shit!) at the punt, I went ahead. The main problem was that the girls apartment was in a sort of granny annex and the bathroom was en suite. If you've ever tried to do one of those really farty sloppy shits quietly you'll appreciate my problems. And it fucking stank too.
She never mentioned the stench and the punt went ahead, but I never showed my face there again!
Apart from that, no actual injuries!

On the 'shart' front:   My post many moons ago:  https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=22516.msg349880#msg349880
Extract below for easy reference:

****
Many moons ago on a trip to Marbella / PB
At the Navy bar & it was getting late - so the girlies were looking for their last client
Discounting was available down from €250/hr to €150
I was too wrecked to negotiate any more & she was a really hot russian babe
Agreed the deal & walked outside
Decided i needed to go to the bogs as 'the turtle was poking its head out'
Mentioned this & said i'd go back inside & be out like a couple of mins
She must have thought i was going to change my mind so she said that i could use her loo in her flat
I said its no probs - it'll be a couple of mins tops & i'm deffo coming straight back out
She was having none of it & took me by the hand & led me up the road to her apartment a couple of hundred metres away
I was expecting at least a 1 - 2 bedder and a separate bog
But no its a studio with the world's smallest small room
No window & the smallest extractor fan in the world
You can all guess what's going to happen next
>
>
Turned on the extractor fan & the only thing this did was make a little noise, but not enough !
After a few days drinking beer, vodka red bulls & eating rich food i was begiining to get worried
There wasn't even a proper door
It was one of the fold up jobbies
I searched round for some air-freshener - waste of time
In my drunken state i am then trying to figure out how to curl one out quietly
No chance - it sounded like a heavy machine gun going off
The toilet was one of those strange foreign ones [not unexpected in spain] with a sloping back wall [about 30-40 degrees]
'It' flopped onto the back wall & then slowly slid into the water - like the Bismark going down
Time for number 1 flush.  I was concerned about blocking the whole thing up
One more flush & i then had to ready myself
I then got the statement 'are you ok'
I'm thinking to myself much better thank-you, but not your toliet
Washed my now slightly sweaty face & emerged
Tried to pull the sliding door back & it got stuck

She's looking at me & has a face which says 'WTF ?'
She then said something similar & that i owed her €150
To which i replied - what for - i haven't done anything [apart from go to the loo]
I got out €10 from a back pocket & sheepishly offered this & said i was leaving & sorry
I was so desperate for a tom-tit that €10 seemed a bargain at the time

Had a few choice words in Russian shouted at me
I said really sorry but i did tell you outside the Navy bar - twice
I smiled suggested €150 + the €10 [as an apology] and this seemed to do the trick
Think i emerged about 45 mins later - which by all a/c's is good
The time in the middle was a bit of a blur - but being a good few pounds lighter i had a bit of a 'hop, skip & a jump' in me
*****

[LanceVance]

I hope you are feeling better, SirFrank. If symptoms persist, I would go to a Walk-in centre as you may have done yourself a proper injury.

I haven't done anything serious pre-punt bar catching a cold or developing a wanking injury meaning I had to cancel. I mostly call WG's on the day leaving short notice/less room for things to go wrong.

[robs one]

 I went on a punt last year, parked up and jumped out in a rush as I was tight for time, opened the door of my car as I forgot my mints and nutted the edge of the roof. I thought id knocked my self out for a second or two and it left a bloody red line across my forehead.
I still went in for the punt and told the WG, who had a little chuckle.
what made it worse was id had half a Viagra and half way through the punt my head was bang like a cunt.

[SeekingtheTruth]

Tripped up the stairs walking to a girls flat once. Bloody lights weren't working in the communal hallways. Hurt like a bitch.

Was literally the last step before getting to her door. She opened the door chuckling away at my misfortune and colourful swearing, not the best first impression I've ever made 

[grandmaster-ram-rod]

adds a new meaning to **crushed nuts ** 

[threechilliman]

Here's hoping I stay PPI free today......

[aerofan5]

At one time I wouldn't wear underpants when going to a punt so the undressing bit would be quicker.

Then, after a pre-punt shower, I caught my foreskin as I zipped up my pants.

There may be more ways to bring tears to the eyes, but not many, and I was off punts for a week or two.

[mh]

Here's hoping I stay PPI free today......

I think I saw an advert on TV about that - "Have you had a PPI that wasn't your fault? Call UKP and we'll have a laugh about it." 

[Rochdull lad]

Anyone fucked themselves up before they got to a punt? I planned to punt today and had established some communication last night via AW with a gal. had to sort out a meeting in work first before I could confirm time and booking etc. however around 9.30 I made myself a brew, took it back to my office (while my punting phone was on charge) and as I sat down I crushed my balls. I have no idea what happened but literally my balls got jammed in the undercarriage of my trousers as I sat down. I didn't sit on them (they ain't that saggy... Yet).

Yes, I almost had something similar today SirFrank.

One of my Regulars is good enough to collect me from her local station when I arrive in town, and one of the things I need to tell in this story is that I am unable to bend my left leg which I had to have in a calliper for about 5 years between ages 14 & 19, as a result of which the muscles in my knee atrophied.  That can make it quite awkward for me to get out of a car's passenger seat.

As I tried to lever myself out of the passenger seat of her fairly low-slung sporty car when we got to her business premises, I trapped my knackers.  It didn't cause as severe reaction as it did in your case but I couldn't help thinking of the coincidence.

I didn't smile; trust me!

[itk]

At one time I wouldn't wear underpants when going to a punt so the undressing bit would be quicker.

Then, after a pre-punt shower, I caught my foreskin as I zipped up my pants.

There may be more ways to bring tears to the eyes, but not many, and I was off punts for a week or two.

Happened to me a while back, possibly the worst pain I've experienced. Not pre-punt though. The only injury punting wise was when I'd agreed to see a regular for some outdoor fun. Arrived at a wooded area to find she had already got there and had laid a blanket down. Half way through the punt as I moving for doggie, I knelt on a conked, still in its shell. I let out a whimper, and she nearly pissed herself laughing.

[Urban_G]

Decided to give myself a trim down below once before a punt. Caught my cock with the electric clippers and broke the skin, very obviously, half way down the shaft. Cancelled booking and wasted one of doctor bongos party pills

I nicked my ball sack with some clippers and it bled a bit. Cancelled as I knew the wg would take one look and refuse OWO for fear of HIV or something.

Now the clippers don't touch my privates, only around them.

[Curious6705]

Trimming pubes seems a common cause of ppi

I did recently use a lot of Veet on a day when I decided to attend a party on impulse. Unfortunately at the party my bollocks were still sore and tender from the Veet. Some of the girls know I like to have them stroked but on that day it really hurt when they did it. 

[jcdmj12]

I've just decided to see a WG again after a few weeks' break (just wasn't in the mood for some reason), and I've had a bloody mouth ulcer for 3 days. Just want the little bugger to go away as my balls are like watermelons. 

[webpunter]

Just want the little bugger to go away as my balls are like watermelons. 

Go get yourself a wheel-barrow

[CoolTiger]

Go get yourself a wheel-barrow

Reminds me of Buster Gonad and his infeasibly large testicles, a character from Viz Magazine.

Is it still going???

[webpunter]

Reminds me of Buster Gonad and his infeasibly large testicles, a character from Viz Magazine.
Is it still going???

Great minds....
Think so:   External Link/Members Only      WHSmith used to sell it i recall.  Great for a boring train journey

[webpunter]

'Bollocks' - forgot to add the link:
External Link/Members Only
Sorry - don't know how to post the pic

[CoolTiger]

Great minds....
Think so:   External Link/Members Only      WHSmith used to sell it i recall.  Great for a boring train journey

'Bollocks' - forgot to add the link:
External Link/Members Only
Sorry - don't know how to post the pic

Pun intended!!! 

Thanks for that.

Great memories, with Roger Mellie, Sid the Sexist, Fat Slags and Top Tips!!!

[threechilliman]

Reminds me of Buster Gonad and his infeasibly large testicles, a character from Viz Magazine.

Is it still going???

Certainly is