About 15 years ago I had driven quite a distance to see a lady and had been directed to call her from a phone box. Whilst making the call I farted, only it was slightly more than a fart, possibly better described as a shart. Even though I tried my best to stop any leakage, there was a little bit.
Hoping I could clean up (and take a shit!) at the punt, I went ahead. The main problem was that the girls apartment was in a sort of granny annex and the bathroom was en suite. If you've ever tried to do one of those really farty sloppy shits quietly you'll appreciate my problems. And it fucking stank too.
She never mentioned the stench and the punt went ahead, but I never showed my face there again!
Apart from that, no actual injuries!
On the 'shart
' front: My post many moons ago: https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=22516.msg349880#msg349880
Extract below for easy reference:
Many moons ago on a trip to Marbella / PB
At the Navy bar & it was getting late - so the girlies were looking for their last client
Discounting was available down from €250/hr to €150
I was too wrecked to negotiate any more & she was a really hot russian babe
Agreed the deal & walked outside
Decided i needed to go to the bogs as 'the turtle was poking its head out'
Mentioned this & said i'd go back inside & be out like a couple of mins
She must have thought i was going to change my mind so she said that i could use her loo in her flat
I said its no probs - it'll be a couple of mins tops & i'm deffo coming straight back out
She was having none of it & took me by the hand & led me up the road to her apartment a couple of hundred metres away
I was expecting at least a 1 - 2 bedder and a separate bog
But no its a studio with the world's smallest small room
No window & the smallest extractor fan in the world
You can all guess what's going to happen next
Turned on the extractor fan & the only thing this did was make a little noise, but not enough !
After a few days drinking beer, vodka red bulls & eating rich food i was begiining to get worried
There wasn't even a proper door
It was one of the fold up jobbies
I searched round for some air-freshener - waste of time
In my drunken state i am then trying to figure out how to curl one out quietly
No chance - it sounded like a heavy machine gun going off
The toilet was one of those strange foreign ones [not unexpected in spain] with a sloping back wall [about 30-40 degrees]
'It' flopped onto the back wall & then slowly slid into the water - like the Bismark going down
Time for number 1 flush. I was concerned about blocking the whole thing up
One more flush & i then had to ready myself
I then got the statement 'are you ok'
I'm thinking to myself much better thank-you, but not your toliet
Washed my now slightly sweaty face & emerged
Tried to pull the sliding door back & it got stuck
She's looking at me & has a face which says 'WTF ?'
She then said something similar & that i owed her €150
To which i replied - what for - i haven't done anything [apart from go to the loo]
I got out €10 from a back pocket & sheepishly offered this & said i was leaving & sorry
I was so desperate for a tom-tit that €10 seemed a bargain at the time
Had a few choice words in Russian shouted at me
I said really sorry but i did tell you outside the Navy bar - twice
I smiled suggested €150 + the €10 [as an apology] and this seemed to do the trick
Think i emerged about 45 mins later - which by all a/c's is good
The time in the middle was a bit of a blur - but being a good few pounds lighter i had a bit of a 'hop, skip & a jump' in me