That was close

[Followyourdick]

 
Well yesterday whilst working at home I decided to crack one off (as you do when you haven’t punted in over 12 months  )
Mrs yourdick almost caught me in the act as she came home from work, I just managed to finish and whip it away when she came into my home office.  I noticed a little later my flies were still open!
That was close 
Has anybody been in similar close shaves?

[Bikerman]

You should have asked to help you for round 2
I nearly got caught few years back by wife.. she adked why i was red faced..i said uts  cos i cracked on off as i couldnt wait to shag yiu.. she dropped to knees and an impromptu BJ....

[The0neAnd0nly]

You should have asked to help you for round 2
I nearly got caught few years back by wife.. she adked why i was red faced..i said uts  cos i cracked on off as i couldnt wait to shag yiu.. she dropped to knees and an impromptu BJ....

I read this whole post in Phil Mitchell's voice

[LLPunting]

Why would wanking be frowned upon by your wife or something you'd want to hide from her?  I suppose if she'd only just blown you before she left she might raise an eyebrow but...

The one woman supposedly entitled and preferred to know about your wanking 

[CoolTiger]

Dear Deidre,

Please help. I took the chance  me. My neighbour's 20 year old daughter was sunbathing the other day and I took the chance to peek out of our bathroom window ans have a cheeky wank. As I finished and turned around, my wife was standing there, arms all folded and watching me.

Is my wife a pervert?

[myothernameis]

My mum caught me and my young brother, whacking one of, me at 14 yrs old, and my 12 yr old brother

Very awkward moment, when she walked into the room, and walked straight out.  She spoke calmly, come see me when your both ready, and we will talk, thought we got of lightly, but no

My mum told our dad, who considered it a sin, and marched us to church and confessions, and confess my sin, and he warned me he will ask the priest.  Priest gave me 15 our fathers, 15 hail mary's and 1 rosary

[LLPunting]

My mum caught me and my young brother, whacking one of, me at 14 yrs old, and my 12 yr old brother

Very awkward moment, when she walked into the room, and walked straight out.  She spoke calmly, come see me when your both ready, and we will talk, thought we got of lightly, but no

My mum told our dad, who considered it a sin, and marched us to church and confessions, and confess my sin, and he warned me he will ask the priest.  Priest gave me 15 our fathers, 15 hail mary's and 1 rosary

Where'd he put the rosary?

No beating from Dad, guess you got off real lightly.

[Buttplug]

The priest was probably knocking one out while you were telling him your confession.

[sparkus]

My mum caught me and my young brother, whacking one of, me at 14 yrs old, and my 12 yr old brother

Very awkward moment, when she walked into the room, and walked straight out.  She spoke calmly, come see me when your both ready, and we will talk, thought we got of lightly, but no

My mum told our dad, who considered it a sin, and marched us to church and confessions, and confess my sin, and he warned me he will ask the priest.  Priest gave me 15 our fathers, 15 hail mary's and 1 rosary

Not wanting to pry, but why would you both be wanking at the same time in each other's company?

[sparkus]

There are multiple mentions on the web or indeed just in women's mags about wives feeling odd that their husband who they have sex with still feels the need to masturbate.  Apparently it's almost like cheating (mine knows and doesn't mind but thinks I do it thinking of her).

There was also some feminist social media argument a while back about masturbation while thinking of a woman or women being tantamount to unconsensual sexual activity (eg. no consent from those you're wanking off over, violating them in thought and deed).

[winkywanky]

My mum caught me and my young brother, whacking one of, me at 14 yrs old, and my 12 yr old brother

Very awkward moment, when she walked into the room, and walked straight out.  She spoke calmly, come see me when your both ready, and we will talk, thought we got of lightly, but no

My mum told our dad, who considered it a sin, and marched us to church and confessions, and confess my sin, and he warned me he will ask the priest.  Priest gave me 15 our fathers, 15 hail mary's and 1 rosary

Did you have to give the Priest a blowjob as penance too?

That's the wonder of Catholicism 

[RAJEC]

I read this whole post in Phil Mitchell's voice

 

[winkywanky]

There are multiple mentions on the web or indeed just in women's mags about wives feeling odd that their husband who they have sex with still feels the need to masturbate.  Apparently it's almost like cheating (mine knows and doesn't mind but thinks I do it thinking of her).

There was also some feminist social media argument a while back about masturbation while thinking of a woman or women being tantamount to unconsensual sexual activity (eg. no consent from those you're wanking off over, violating them in thought and deed).

My ex used to like watching me wank (and she would insist on finishing me off in her mouth, which was nice).

In bold: yes, this is the way things are going unfortunately, in some women's minds. It's like their old mantra all men are rapists. Women who think like that are truly fucked up.

[sparkus]

When I was around 13 or 14, a group of us assembled to watch a porn film which had been liberated from a sibling's stash.  It was the hottest event in South London that night, quite a few came round as there was an empty house (mother working or at bingo), even lads from outside the peer group. Half way through the film, even though the lights were down, one lad grabbed a cushion to hide his modesty and started furiously beating his meat while yelling "Don't look at me! Don't look at me!"

Never lived it down, had to go to another sixth form when the time came.

[winkywanky]

When I was around 13 or 14, a group of us assembled to watch a porn film which had been liberated from a sibling's stash.  It was the hottest event in South London that night, quite a few came round as there was an empty house (mother working or at bingo), even lads from outside the peer group. Half way through the film, even though the lights were down, one lad grabbed a cushion to hide his modesty and started furiously beating his meat while yelling "Don't look at me! Don't look at me!"

Never lived it down, had to go to another sixth form when the time came.

Who, you or the lad? 

Actually, when you say he had to go to another 6th Form, was it at a public school by any chance?

[sparkus]

Who, you or the lad? 

Actually, when you say he had to go to another 6th Form, was it at a public school by any chance?

Him.  I think he even choose different subjects in year 10 in the hope of not seeing us again.

Public as in Joe Public could go, yeah.  If you wanted to do something as a subject your local sixth form didn't offer you were allowed to travel further afield (which you couldn't when my brother went).

[winkywanky]

Him.  I think he even choose different subjects in year 10 in the hope of not seeing us again.

Public as in Joe Public could go, yeah.  If you wanted to do something as a subject your local sixth form didn't offer you were allowed to travel further afield (which you couldn't when my brother went).

Whatever his sexuality was/is (it may even simply have been a misguided attempt at 'teamwork' on his part) it was an unfortunate incident which would inevitably go down like a cup of cold sick.

[sparkus]

Whatever his sexuality was/is (it may even simply have been a misguided attempt at 'teamwork' on his part) it was an unfortunate incident which would inevitably go down like a cup of cold sick.

One version of the story which spread like wildfire was that he didn't even have a wank but him and another pupil starting bumming.  The alleged other lad wasn't even there on the night in question and the story was quickly extinguished by someone else who was there who didn't take kindly to alleged vicarious voyeurism and twatted anyone who said it happened.

I'm kinda screwed if those years of humiliation led to him not being able to form proper adult relationships and becoming a punter

(I still regularly see two people who were there and the incident always gets mentioned)

[S.X. MacHine]

Well, Billy Connolly once told of the dude caught wanking in the shower by his wife. He looked her straight in the eye with feigned indignation, uttering the memorable words ‘look, I can wash my willy at any speed I like!’.

[winkywanky]

Well, Billy Connolly once told of the dude caught wanking in the shower by his wife. He looked her straight in the eye with feigned indignation, uttering the memorable words ‘look, I can wash my willy at any speed I like!’.

  

[MrMatrix]

Dear Deidre,

Please help. I took the chance  me. My neighbour's 20 year old daughter was sunbathing the other day and I took the chance to peek out of our bathroom window ans have a cheeky wank. As I finished and turned around, my wife was standing there, arms all folded and watching me.

Is my wife a pervert?

Nice one CT

[sparkus]

Nice one CT

I once did the opposite, bashed one out over our mid-40s neighbour topless sunbathing in her garden.

[winkywanky]

I once did the opposite, bashed one out over our mid-40s neighbour topless sunbathing in her garden.

...and what did she say when you came over her tits? 

[sparkus]

...and what did she say when you came over her tits? 

Well that was part of the teenaged appeal, her not knowing I was looking out of the neighbouring window.

[winkywanky]

Well that was part of the teenaged appeal, her not knowing I was looking out of the neighbouring window.

...ah, could've sworn you meant you were actually standing over her   

[sparkus]

...ah, could've sworn you meant you were actually standing over her   

If I'd been a bit more worldly then that would have made for some epic seagulling, yes

[george r]

The priest was probably knocking one out while you were telling him your confession.

more than likely ..

[myothernameis]

Not wanting to pry, but why would you both be wanking at the same time in each other's company?

We both shared the same bedroom, and he became curious one day, when he walked in a caught me wanking

[george r]

I once did the opposite, bashed one out over our mid-40s neighbour topless sunbathing in her garden.

 i remember when i was young i could shoot spunk a long way, but not sure if i could reach next doors garden 

[sparkus]

i remember when i was young i could shoot spunk a long way, but not sure if i could reach next doors garden 

Thou shalt not cover thy neighbour's wife

[winkywanky]

Thou shalt not cover thy neighbour's wife

  

[willie loman]

some fun replies on this thread, i haven had a wank for 40 years, to paraphrase a line from martin amiss, "sooner or later, every adult male in britain goes to his last football game and has his last wank.

[winkywanky]

some fun replies on this thread, i haven had a wank for 40 years, to paraphrase a line from martin amiss, "sooner or later, every adult male in britain goes to his last football game and has his last wank.

Just how fucking old are you willie, I cannot believe you stopped wanking before the age of say, 30? Really?

[willie loman]

Just how fucking old are you willie, I cannot believe you stopped wanking before the age of say, 30? Really?

64 soonish, i can even remember the event, was worried that my flat mate might hear  me, as my bedroom, had a door that lead into his. the advantage of never wanking, is you have more erotic dreams, i even ejaculated into my trousers when i fell asleep in front of the telly, plus your erotic dreams tend to reveal your sexual personality.  but now that i punt 3 times a week, dont have any spare semen anyway. that enough info? lol.

[winkywanky]

64 soonish, i can even remember the event, was worried that my flat mate might hear  me, as my bedroom, had a door that lead into his. the advantage of never wanking, is you have more erotic dreams, i even ejaculated into my trousers when i fell asleep in front of the telly, plus your erotic dreams tend to reveal your sexual personality.  but now that i punt 3 times a week, dont have any spare semen anyway. that enough info? lol.

Three times a week? Plenty info willie. Lol. We won't get into whether that has continued all through Lockdown, that is a separate conversation.

[scutty brown]

some fun replies on this thread, i haven had a wank for 40 years, to paraphrase a line from martin amiss, "sooner or later, every adult male in britain goes to his last football game and has his last wank.

Are you one of the Wee Frees?

[willie loman]

Are you one of the Wee Frees?

surprisingly , plenty of shagging goes on with the wee frees, if you read the papers, my first sexual experience happened when a girl from my convent school invited me into her den, i was never innocent.

[willie loman]

Three times a week? Plenty info willie. Lol. We won't get into whether that has continued all through Lockdown, that is a separate conversation.

to be honest i usually go with the same woman, then we both move on, so its not as wild as it appears, as for not wanking,its only 36 years.