Constipation. what is the longest you have not been?

[Chorley]

I always found several.pints of Dublin's finest and a lamb biryani had me spurting like a geyser in Yellowstone Park.

Alternatively about 10.Kronenbourgs and a large Doner with all the trimmings will have a similar effect and make you feel lke a Saturn 5 rocket is trying to exit your  Gary Glitter. 

[winkywanky]

I don't think either of those is recommended by NICE 

[cunningman]

I don't think either of those is recommended by NICE 

I can't imagine them not working though.  Mind you, I'd up the level from Biryani a bit, at least Madras - or whatever Chef Special has some chilli signs.  Add a nice garlicky Dhal for extra effect.

[winkywanky]

I can't imagine them not working though.  Mind you, I'd up the level from Biryani a bit, at least Madras - or whatever Chef Special has some chilli signs.  Add a nice garlicky Dhal for extra effect.

We're going for a nice clear bowel here, not a Tracy Enema painting 

[DaVINCI]

Mine is 4 days right now. I have been drinking prune juice and eating bananas but no stool movement.

Shats the longest period you have been constipated?

Mines was 6 days and what a horrible experience, continually sweating buckets to try and do the toilet, only for a false dawn 

I'd recommend, Normacol Plus (a gentle laxative) which will start movement  but by including grapes or Pasta (not the packet stuff  ) in your diet you should see a great improvement in this area.

[King Nuts]

Mine is 4 days right now. I have been drinking prune juice and eating bananas but no stool movement.

Shats the longest period you have been constipated?

A. Doctor writes:

You need a minimum of 30g of fibre a day. You can get half of that from a large helping of wholewheat cereal every morning.

The rest comes from fruit like apples, pears, berries and so on. And veg, like broccoli and skin-on potatoes. And wholemeal bread.

Sit on the throne every day at the same time, irrrespective of whether you feel like wrestling with the brown worm at that particular moment, or not.

Remember, better out than in. And if it's a big 'un, crimp. Your rectum will thank you.

[PoKing_KGI]

Not only have I drunk prune juice and taken sena herbal relief. I went for a 10k run to try and get my belly moving. but nothing has happened.

Sena softens the stool but doesn't force it out like movicol or laxido (obviously drink plenty of fluids if you do decide to take either of these). As has been mentioned; you should seek a telephone consultation with an out of hours GP or Nurse Practitioner by calling 111 or trying your own GP. Best of luck to you!

[tynetunnel]

this subject creates a good excuse to link to the world famous "Picolax Thread"

read and laugh - or read and cry, depending on the state of your arse. The thread gets better as the story progesses

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“The lift has only dropped from floor 6 to 5. The door is wiiiiiiiiiiide open. The entire population of Merseyside has been waiting for a lift. For years.”

 

[Littlefoot]

A. Doctor writes:

You need a minimum of 30g of fibre a day. You can get half of that from a large helping of wholewheat cereal every morning.

I have a bowl of Kellogg’s All Bran with warm milk every morning. Contains 11g fibre  . Had it for years now. It’s a really good start to the day, and tasty to me now. I’m well used to them. I’ve been bunged up a few times before and it’s fucking horrible. I’m that paranoid about it these days everything I eat and drink has to contain a lot of fibre. The more the merrier. I’m surprised some on here think 4 days is a long time. When I was a teenager 4 days was the norm for me. I didn’t know any better, and thought it was normal. My diet was so poor back then. These days I’m shitting once and frequently twice a day, it’s great! And I put a big part of it down to the All Bran. Fuck the bran flakes, you need the real deal! 

[webpunter]

IMO funniest post of the month   

Always been regular but for some reason maybe 15-20 years ago I never went for around a solid day. Why I can't remember, maybe fucking around with substances or something.

So anyway, the day after I had gut cramps like fuck and settled myself on the chamber. I could tell I was brewing an arsesplitter so was terrified to let it go and gingerly let it work itself out slowly.I was sweating, shaking and having my ringpiece ripped to shreads by the girth of it, I don't mind telling you I shed quite a few tears before it was over. I can only assume it was a mild form of childbirth and I take my hat off to the ladies going through that.

So eventually it passes and once I've managed to compose myself and dab my throbbing arsehole I manage to flush it away. Only I doesn't, I'm still faced with something that looks like the famous photo of Nessie breaching the surface.
I ended up having to break the cunts back with a bogbrush before it would wash away.


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[webpunter]

Once in a blue moon i might feel a build up
Have gone like a couple of days & drastic action is needed
I prefer a combined approach to treating the condition:

- a couple of constipation tablets
- two alka seltzers
- at least half a bottle of milk of magnesia
- for T a ring burner curry washed down with stella

If you make it through the night without waking up then in the morning a large glass of fresh orange juice & two or three large nespresso expressos
And do not venture out
Deffo means two more likely three flushes of the bog
I find like going on sky news on iphone helps pass the time sitting on the bog
Also going on autotrader app

[boardyhell]

had a major op and the question then was how long could you go without using the toilet, that went on for years
i used to dream about being constipated
however i do recognise it can be dangerous being constipated
point is ,that its best to be in the middle ground
all i can say is good luck

[webpunter]

Was it a code brown ? 

Maybe use a coat hanger rather than a bog brush !

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So eventually it passes and once I've managed to compose myself and dab my throbbing arsehole I manage to flush it away. Only I doesn't, I'm still faced with something that looks like the famous photo of Nessie breaching the surface.
I ended up having to break the cunts back with a bogbrush before it would wash away.
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[winkywanky]

Is it becoth he hath shat?   

[Davey Dykes]

Something like this...

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[whiskyfan]

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Aye, Big Innis who made a fool of himself with Midori.

[Baldy]

 Packet of Sugar Free Polos and a can of coke will sort out a blockage . Must eat packet in 2 hours followed by can of said coke.

Money back guarante.

[king tarzan]

Mine is 4 days right now. I have been drinking prune juice and eating bananas but no stool movement.

Shats the longest period you have been constipated?

Benson and Hedges/Rothmans  cigarettes do help...

[scutty brown]

Mine is 4 days right now. I have been drinking prune juice and eating bananas but no stool movement.

Shats the longest period you have been constipated?

So what happened Metalgear
Did you return to normal throughput or did the nurse have to give you an enema? Some people PAY to have that done you know - they call it colon cleansing

[Rick2468]

I went nearly 6 days once. It was not nice. By the last day I kept getting stomach cramps and took the day off work. I went to the doctor who told me to buy Lacutose which is available over the counter. I took 2 small spoonfuls of the stuff and 8 hours later my stomach made a huge gurgling sound. I went "Yehhhhhh!" and run to the toilet and it was all over in about 2 seconds.

[Beamer]

I went nearly 6 days once. It was not nice. By the last day I kept getting stomach cramps and took the day off work. I went to the doctor who told me to buy Lacutose which is available over the counter. I took 2 small spoonfuls of the stuff and 8 hours later my stomach made a huge gurgling sound. I went "Yehhhhhh!" and run to the toilet and it was all over in about 2 seconds.

Laculose creates a violent reaction but it is so nice when it happens!  You have to be fairly careful with it. Hope you were ok afterwards?

[Rick2468]

Laculose creates a violent reaction but it is so nice when it happens!  You have to be fairly careful with it. Hope you were ok afterwards?

Yes totally fine. I remember the recommended doseage seemed so low and I was tempted to take more because I was so uncomfortable but thank god I didn't. It effectively forces the colon to release more water so it soaks your poop to soften it up. It was quite a loud noise before I had to go and it came unexpectedly so I would not recommend leaving the house if you are taking it.

[boffin]

Well this thread should confirm who's full of shit.

 

[DaveR]

I find a McDonalds tends to loosen the tube pretty sharpish. Brings a whole new meaning to drive thru if you don't make the pan in time though

[daviemac]

So what happened Metalgear
Did you return to normal throughput or did the nurse have to give you an enema? Some people PAY to have that done you know - they call it colon cleansing

You don't expect him to answer do you? not his style, he starts threads then just leaves them to run.

[scutty brown]

You don't expect him to answer do you? not his style, he starts threads then just leaves them to run.

Lets all just hope he enjoyed anal irrigation. I hope she had warm hands

[cunningman]

I find a McDonalds tends to loosen the tube pretty sharpish. Brings a whole new meaning to drive thru if you don't make the pan in time though

Stick to a good healthy doner.  Oh, wait ....