What's wrong with the word Darling?

[Hobbit]

So I was talking to a group of friends a few days ago over WhatsApp and during the conversation I called one of the girls "Darling". What a big mistake that was. The amount of abuse I got was ridiculous. I was told I was a misogynist. She actually said don't call me that as we women don't like being called darling.

Now I don't see a problem in calling someone that word because many people use it in various contexts, and the word itself by definition isn't bad and therefore it is the context in which it is used which could offend someone. But to ban the word is fucking ridiculous.

So apart from these bloody feminists who want men to stop being men, how many women out there actually don't like being called darling, or other similar words of affection?

What is this world coming to...

[Spencer Fobby]

When she said "we women" to you she may have exposed her mysandrist (man-hating) attitude.  And she may well be someone who would call unwanted touching (like a hand on the knee during conversation) a reason to post with a #metoo. 

But...

Is she your wife or your lover? Is she your darling?  Were you using that word in a way other than a sincere form of affection?  If not, then it probably felt patronising.  And it is a bit of a hangover from an old era when language did often undermine women's equality. 

While she is probably oversensitive, your use of the word may well have been insensitive and patronising.

Those are my thoughts, since you asked the question.

[Doc Holliday]

Up here in Lancashire many women frequently use it when in casual conversation with men ... especially service providers/receptionists.

It's usage is more slang though then a tem of endearment 

Depends on the context. It can be used very sarcastically especially by men.

[tobyk1]

Drop the ‘G’, and say it more cockney. Doesn’t come across condescending that way.

At least I think not.

[bhudda]

You probably just said it at the wrong time of the month 

Maybe you should suggest that to her ... may reveal how much she hates men (or you at least)

[Doc Holliday]

Drop the ‘G’, and say it more cockney. Doesn’t come across condescending that way.

At least I think not.

That's also true.  In fact thinking about it the Lancashire version is frequently a silent 'g' too though maybe not quite the cockney variant.

[cotton]

My boss is female and she habitually calls me darling and ive no problem with it.  I guess it depends on how its used and who the people are , it can be used quite condescendingly and some people (women) can be predisposed to go mental at it.

[hornyguylondon]

My boss is female and she habitually calls me darling and ive no problem with it.  I guess it depends on how its used and who the people are , it can be used quite condescendingly and some people (women) can be predisposed to go mental at it.

I hate sexist Bosses, did she undermine you, sounds like a sexual advance to me - get a "me too" lawyer now   

Whatever happened to the term "yes love" or "Luvvie" btw ?

[cotton]

I hate sexist Bosses, did she undermine you, sounds like a sexual advance to me - get a "me too" lawyer now   

Whatever happened to the term "yes love" or "Luvvie" btw ?

Tbh im cool with it , i like the non political correctness of it and that there isnt any of that treading on eggshells BS , it quite amuses me , reminds me of Blackadder   

[Thephoenix]

It's funny how other words used in various areas of the country have now become offensive to some women.

e.g.'Thanks love (luv)  up North was only ever used as a friendly term,  often by women also.
Or 'Thanks duck' in Staffordshire regions.

Even then, I suppose it depended on the context....i. e. I don't think ' Eh luv.... d'yer takeirup de arse? ever went down too well.

But 'dear' is the funniest..... It can range from friendly to condescending, depending on the tone.

[The Film Director]

How about 'babes' 

[hornyguylondon]

I once threw "girlies" into a conversation at work - that was fun 

[Hobbit]

I once threw "girlies" into a conversation at work - that was fun 

You can't even call them chicks anymore. That used to be so common in the 1980s.

[Hobbit]

When she said "we women" to you she may have exposed her mysandrist (man-hating) attitude.  And she may well be someone who would call unwanted touching (like a hand on the knee during conversation) a reason to post with a #metoo. 

But...

Is she your wife or your lover? Is she your darling?  Were you using that word in a way other than a sincere form of affection?  If not, then it probably felt patronising.  And it is a bit of a hangover from an old era when language did often undermine women's equality. 

While she is probably oversensitive, your use of the word may well have been insensitive and patronising.

Those are my thoughts, since you asked the question.

Maybe I did come across patronising but I did say afterward that if you don't like it I won't call you that again. But the issue I have is that we men can let go of things and some women don't and drag it on for days and sometimes years.

[Doc Holliday]

But the issue I have is that we men can let go of things and some women don't and drag it on for days and sometimes years.

.... or even a lifetime

[cotton]

Maybe I did come across patronising but I did say afterward that if you don't like it I won't call you that again. But the issue I have is that we men can let go of things and some women don't and drag it on for days and sometimes years.

Women eh , cant live with em , not supposed to bury em under the patio 

[Moby Dick]

Women eh , cant live with em , not supposed to bury em under the patio 

Yeah don’t smell good and makes the weeds grow faster, but what can you do when the tips are all closed? 

[Moby Dick]

Darlin’ sounds a bit “luvvy” like what theatrical art/film directors “artists” would use.
I am thinking Michael Winner or Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Not really used in my social circle
More luv, me duck, Chuck, or if you really wanna make an impression push the boat out with split-arse.

[houseboot]

If I contact a SP I use her name (if known) or "Good morning" and I state my first name.  If she responds, "Darling", "Babes" then I'd probably not bother to take the enquiry any further. It's unprofessional, lazy, sloppy, impersonal.

In the same way I get annoyed by female shop assistants who address me as, "Luv" or their male colleagues who say, "Alright mate?"

 

[Thephoenix]

Darlin’ sounds a bit “luvvy” like what theatrical art/film directors “artists” would use.
I am thinking Michael Winner or Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Not really used in my social circle
More luv, me duck, Chuck, or if you really wanna make an impression push the boat out with split-arse.

Such a smoothy

[Thephoenix]

If I contact a SP I use her name (if known) or "Good morning" and I state my first name.  If she responds, "Darling", "Babes" then I'd probably not bother to take the enquiry any further. It's unprofessional, lazy, sloppy, impersonal.
D
In the same way I get annoyed by female shop assistants who address me as, "Luv" or their male colleagues who say, "Alright mate?"

 

Just curious mate...... Why do you get annoyed luv?

If it's said in a friendly way.

[lostandfound]

You could try "My lover" instead, in a strong West Country accent ...

[rickyponting]

Come on get with it ,all the rap dudes on the street use the term "bitch" 

[Thephoenix]

Other popular examples are now rarely heard up our way:-

Judy.... As in.....'I'm takin' me Judy forra bevvy,  then goin' forra knee trembler in the backkk  jigger wackkk.'

Or seldom heard these days....'Thanks queen/ sweetheart'.  Always said in a friendly, cheerful way.

It's funny because as the years go by, political correctness seems to have gradually  affected how or if I decide to use some of these traditional terms.

I would never really be offended by luv, chuck, duck, darlin, sweetheart etc... (maybe not queen),  it's what I've grown up with in childhood, but I must admit I now probably take more care, depending which part of the country I'm in or who I'm talking to.
So quite happy to use those terms at my local shops, but maybe not when attending the royal garden party.

 

[bobby1973]

i always say darling , sweetheart, babe, love and treacle
there is no harm or disrespect in what i am saying
and if they don't like it 
FUCK OFF
i don't care

[WARSZAWA16]

It's pet in the north east, of course. Not sure if anybody has issues with that there though(?).

[Beamer]

I'm giving one of my my regular Thai girls a real good pounding and she keeps saying "ooooh dharrling". 
Seems to be a bit of a favourite with Thai's.
Looks like she will be a year older before I hear it again?

[Spencer Fobby]

Language can be such a subtle beast: words say one thing but often mean another.

Taking the gender out of it for a moment, I used to get really irritated when people I knew started calling me "buddy" or  "Bud".  The people using it to me hardly knew me or were complete strangers.  And anyone I am buddies with would never use that term.  "Pal" or "mate" are both able to mean "friend" or "you stupid fuckwit" and it's down to the context and tone to work out which one is which.  Same word, utterly different intent.

But a very common use of these (unnecessary) terms is to gain one-upmanship; the patronising but friendly put down.

Generally men using terms of affection for women that they are not being affectionate towards is pretty derogatory. And if you know you're doing it, it's indefensible really.  If it's just habit and people are getting offended, maybe time to check that habit? 

[PMAC123]

I can actually see it on some level, if I heard someone call someone "Darling" I would find it patronising and a bit of a weird thing to say.

With that said, I'm from South Wales where it isn't really said in general, so that's probably why it would stick out a bit - I'm sure if I was from the North I would have a very different opinion. It is a very dated term in most places and makes you sound a bit like someone from the Wild West but a harmless one nonetheless

[sparkus]

Might be a London thing but I've never understood the word "darling" to be acceptable in a work context since I was working in pubs about two decades ago.

"Y'awright darlin'?" shouted out of a stationary white van at traffic lights at a passing female about sums it up really.

But your orientals can't get enough of the phrase, either by text or on the phone.  Even in TCMs of outwardly legit appearances it's the done thing, they must use it on baffled legit customers as well eg. "Are you OK darling? Would you like any special service today?"

[Hobbit]

I can actually see it on some level, if I heard someone call someone "Darling" I would find it patronising and a bit of a weird thing to say.

With that said, I'm from South Wales where it isn't really said in general, so that's probably why it would stick out a bit - I'm sure if I was from the North I would have a very different opinion. It is a very dated term in most places and makes you sound a bit like someone from the Wild West but a harmless one nonetheless

So what be a modern term to use nowadays? Honey? Sugar? Treacle pudding?

[The Film Director]

I've had 'dear' as well ..... from Brazilians mainly IIRC. 

[Hobbit]

I've had 'dear' as well ..... from Brazilians mainly IIRC. 

I don't like dear. It's something my Granny would say.

[sparkus]

I've had 'dear' as well ..... from Brazilians mainly IIRC. 

Mainly "baby" with them 

"Yes baby"
"I miss your call baby"
"Call when outside baby"

[Thephoenix]

The other slightly irritating phrase is 'What can I do for you young man?', spoken by some young whippersnapper who's obviously about the same age as your grandson.

And also.... Like 'bud'  or 'buddy'..... How did 'you guys' creep in?

[martini2429]

The other slightly irritating phrase is 'What can I do for you young man?', spoken by some young whippersnapper who's obviously about the same age as your grandson.

And also.... Like 'bud'  or 'buddy'..... How did 'you guys' creep in?

I can't stand being called "Bud" by other blokes, I ain't your fucking "Bud" 

 

[WARSZAWA16]

I don't like babe which sadly is quite common (in more ways than one). Hen is used in Glasgow. Again, not sure how it is perceived. 

[Spencer Fobby]

"bruv"

Cunt! Do NOT call me bruv!!!

[sparkus]

The other slightly irritating phrase is 'What can I do for you young man?', spoken by some young whippersnapper who's obviously about the same age as your grandson.

And also.... Like 'bud'  or 'buddy'..... How did 'you guys' creep in?

I've only ever heard "bud" used up north, particularly Lancs.  It does get on my titend but I try not to go there much (no chance of that now).  Duck is another weird one in and around the Midlands.

Bostin' in Birmingham, what the fuck is that all about?

It's usually fella or geez down here.  I'm guessing many on here wouldn't be into the whole fam thing.

"You guys" is generic in the corporate world, especially these days in Zoom meetings.

[Colston36]

So I was talking to a group of friends a few days ago over WhatsApp and during the conversation I called one of the girls "Darling". What a big mistake that was. The amount of abuse I got was ridiculous. I was told I was a misogynist. She actually said don't call me that as we women don't like being called darling.

Now I don't see a problem in calling someone that word because many people use it in various contexts, and the word itself by definition isn't bad and therefore it is the context in which it is used which could offend someone. But to ban the word is fucking ridiculous.

So apart from these bloody feminists who want men to stop being men, how many women out there actually don't like being called darling, or other similar words of affection?

What is this world coming to...

Absurd. I call just about every women darling and have for a good 60 years. The only one who ever objected was a ghastly cowso nothing lost. It is how you treat people that counts. I have always found, to return to our chosen subject that it does pay to treat a whore like a lady.

[southcoastpunter]

What is "acceptable"  can also be different in and out of the workplace. In the workplace, its almost any term that someone finds unacceptable. doesn't matter how innocent you think it maybe nor how many other people think there's nothing wrong with it. If someone objects and asks for you to stop and you don't, it opens the way for formal and possible legal complaints.

Different in normal society of course (where its more social pressure) but in the workplace, the PC police have the wip hand.

[webpunter]

Using a word like darling is tempting fate
At best it makes you look pretty ancient

Only time i've heard it is from massage burds who don't have the best ingrish
They put it on texts or mention in conversation
Which is OK as they don't know what else to say & using the word helps them

EE burds can say stuff like oooh dahling - yes baby - give me your milk 

[bobby1973]

P C  gone wrong 
get over it

[Spencer Fobby]

P C  gone wrong 
get over it

Not at all.  It's really patronising.  It infers superiority.  I hate PC bollocks and mysandry in all its guises, but we have to pick our battles here and insisting on calling a woman darling when she's not your darling it just dumb.

[Hobbit]

Not at all.  It's really patronising.  It infers superiority.  I hate PC bollocks and mysandry in all its guises, but we have to pick our battles here and insisting on calling a woman darling when she's not your darling it just dumb.

It's not patronising. It depends how it is said. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using that word or any other word as long as it's used in the right context. It's only feminists and their supporters that have issues. It doesn't infer superiority in every context. So have to completely disagree with you on that one.

[bobby1973]

Not at all.  It's really patronising.  It infers superiority.  I hate PC bollocks and mysandry in all its guises, but we have to pick our battles here and insisting on calling a woman darling when she's not your darling it just dumb.

how can you call it patronising 
it's been a term of endearment for years and years
we have to keep changing what is said in case we upset some one pc bollocks
it's called freedom of speech
next thing we can't hold the door open for them
and when i take a lady out i always pay and if they don't like that they can fuck off 

[PatMacGroin]

All language changes over time. As others have already said, I think these days that it completely depends on the tone, context and intent. That goes for most of the terms mentioned in this thread, including darling. I believe most people that do, use the term out of habit. There are no doubt a few that do mean to belittle the person they are speaking to, some who even do it unconsciously.

Darling is meant to be a term of praise and affection. Although it is quite an intimate term. I imagine using it in the way we do now would have been found offensive before some point in the 1800's, for being overly familiar. Unfortunately, the small minority that do now intend to use it to demean others, combined with a minority of people that appear to be intent on finding offense in nearly everything, means language like this will probably gradually disappear from use. Only to be replaced with something else.

Coming at the discussion from another angle, the increased use in generally familiar terms has coincided with the decline of honorific forms of address. Everyone addresses each other by first name now. It seems rare to be called Mr... or Mrs... even in general correspondence. It's even rarer to be called Sir or Madame, terms of respect that can't be confused for insults. Are there any slang equivalents that have the same impact?

[Spencer Fobby]

All language changes over time. As others have already said, I think these days that it completely depends on the tone, context and intent. That goes for most of the terms mentioned in this thread, including darling. I believe most people that do, use the term out of habit. There are no doubt a few that do mean to belittle the person they are speaking to, some who even do it unconsciously.

Darling is meant to be a term of praise and affection. Although it is quite an intimate term. I imagine using it in the way we do now would have been found offensive before some point in the 1800's, for being overly familiar. Unfortunately, the small minority that do now intend to use it to demean others, combined with a minority of people that appear to be intent on finding offense in nearly everything, means language like this will probably gradually disappear from use. Only to be replaced with something else.

Coming at the discussion from another angle, the increased use in generally familiar terms has coincided with the decline of honorific forms of address. Everyone addresses each other by first name now. It seems rare to be called Mr... or Mrs... even in general correspondence. It's even rarer to be called Sir or Madame, terms of respect that can't be confused for insults. Are there any slang equivalents that have the same impact?

+1
language evolves as culture evolves and a refusal to move with the times is foolish.  That's not to suggest we call one another "bro"... but it is about accepting the changing opinions of others.  There are many more important things to make a stand on.  Insisting on using the term when it rubs others up the wrong way is just daft.

[PMAC123]

So what be a modern term to use nowadays? Honey? Sugar? Treacle pudding?

Depends on the person and what you've bonded over I guess. Me and my gf have a joke one for each other that nobody else says. In regards to a working girl I don't see the purpose of using any. If it's just being politely kind to a stranger on the street or a platonic friend, the standard in the UK is "love" so I don't think many would take issue with that