The joke thread

[WDFORTE]

How do you get an egg in a cunt?


Make James Corden an omelette.

[webpunter]

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Restaurant manager Keith McNally said the British TV host is a "hugely gifted comedian" but a "tiny cretin of a man" after claiming he was rude to staff and left a waitress "shaken".

He added The Late Late Show host was the most "abusive customer to my Balthazar servers since the restaurant opened 25 years ago".

Dunno bout 'tiny', he's a fat fuck

How do you get an egg in a cunt?


Make James Corden an omelette.

[mr.bluesky]

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Restaurant manager Keith McNally said the British TV host is a "hugely gifted comedian" but a "tiny cretin of a man" after claiming he was rude to staff and left a waitress "shaken".

He added The Late Late Show host was the most "abusive customer to my Balthazar servers since the restaurant opened 25 years ago".

Dunno bout 'tiny', he's a fat fuck

Can't understand how the fat fuck has got so far in show business 

[webpunter]

#meneither
His star is losing its shine

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James Corden Says, ‘I Haven’t Done Anything Wrong on Any Level’

To gain a reputation for treating people poorly is one thing.
We’ve all heard variations on the “waiter rule,” which says the surest judge of someone’s character is how they behave toward waitstaff
But it’s another thing entirely for the nightmare customer to think he did nothing wrong and not even try to fake-apologize for it.

Arrogant cunt

I'd laarf if amazon decided to pull or at least defer their new series with him in it Mammals

Can't understand how the fat fuck has got so far in show business 

[Charlie Chalk]

I just did a DNA test on a frog I found in our garden. I discovered it was 70% British, 20% French, 7% Italian, 2% Dutch , & a tad Pole.

I’m ashamed to say I laughed at this… 

[Marmalade]

I loved his opening speech (first half of this clip...)
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It was just like a professional stand-up comedian, the typical lovely-to-be-heres and everything, warming youi up while you wait for the first punch line. The punch line wasn't really that good, but I didn't think the rest was worth watching as he sunk into dreary preaching mode.

But let's get the thread back on track before the mods have to have a heckle...

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

I like this one...
"A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’"


Hopefully this one is just about within the rules...

And the Lord said unto John,
"Come forth and you will receive eternal life."
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

And for anyone who can't afford a fuck...
"It’s been 412 days since I’ve been with a girl... I had to go jogging in flip-flops yesterday to at least remind myself of the sound… "

[Marmalade]

A couple is walking through the streets of Paris. It starts to rain heavily.

He: "Here, take my backpack, darling, and hold it above your head.”
-
She: “But what about you, my love?! I don't want you to get wet!”
-
He: "Ah, don't worry, petal. I have an umbrella."

[Marmalade]

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[myothernameis]

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[Steve2]

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He gave us a bag of tools but no ladder. How are we supposed to do that, then?"

The girl looks at the bag of tools and sees a spanner. She picks up the spanner and undoes the nut at the base of the flagpole, kicks the bolt free and gently guides the flagpole down to the ground.

Reaching into the bag, she picks up a large tape measure and secures one end at the base of the pole. She takes the tape measure to the other end and declares "6.13 metres, gentlemen"

with a grin, she dusts off her hands and walks away

as she's walking away, Jim turns to Dave and says "Isn't that typical of a dumb blonde. We told her we needed the height and she's given the length"

[Corus Boy]

I'm not sure which;

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[A Decent Fist]

Here’s one from the financial column in the Spectator, no less:

I hear news of another British traveller to the US who ventured as far as the desert state of Nevada and found his way to one of its many legal brothels.

Presented with a line-up of hostesses to choose from, he picked one and whispered a request in her ear. She squealed and ran out of the room, as did a second.

After a third slapped his face and hissed ‘No way!’, the proprietor – herself an unshockable veteran of the oldest profession – stepped in and prodded him in the chest: ‘Hey buddy, what the hell are you asking my ladies?’ The Englishman adjusted his spectacles: ‘I just wondered whether I could pay in pounds sterling?’

[WASA38]

Here’s one from the financial column in the Spectator, no less:

I hear news of another British traveller to the US who ventured as far as the desert state of Nevada and found his way to one of its many legal brothels.

Presented with a line-up of hostesses to choose from, he picked one and whispered a request in her ear. She squealed and ran out of the room, as did a second.

After a third slapped his face and hissed ‘No way!’, the proprietor – herself an unshockable veteran of the oldest profession – stepped in and prodded him in the chest: ‘Hey buddy, what the hell are you asking my ladies?’ The Englishman adjusted his spectacles: ‘I just wondered whether I could pay in pounds sterling?’

See #1267. Looks like there is a Spectator columnist who is a member of ukp.

[Steve2]

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He gave us a bag of tools but no ladder. How are we supposed to do that, then?"

The girl looks at the bag of tools and sees a spanner. She picks up the spanner and undoes the nut at the base of the flagpole, kicks the bolt free and gently guides the flagpole down to the ground.

Reaching into the bag, she picks up a large tape measure and secures one end at the base of the pole. She takes the tape measure to the other end and declares "6.13 metres, gentlemen"

with a grin, she dusts off her hands and walks away

as she's walking away, Jim turns to Dave and says "Isn't that typical of a dumb blonde. We told her we needed the height and she's given the length"

[mr.bluesky]

Here’s one from the financial column in the Spectator, no less:

I hear news of another British traveller to the US who ventured as far as the desert state of Nevada and found his way to one of its many legal brothels.

Presented with a line-up of hostesses to choose from, he picked one and whispered a request in her ear. She squealed and ran out of the room, as did a second.

After a third slapped his face and hissed ‘No way!’, the proprietor – herself an unshockable veteran of the oldest profession – stepped in and prodded him in the chest: ‘Hey buddy, what the hell are you asking my ladies?’ The Englishman adjusted his spectacles: ‘I just wondered whether I could pay in pounds sterling?’

This joke was posted by Steve2 on 29th September,  try and keep up 

[A Decent Fist]

This joke was posted by Steve2 on 29th September,  try and keep up 

Oops. Steve's version was better, too. I wonder if the Spectator guy read it here first?

I've met him and he could easily be a punter. Which is a compliment.

[badsin]

Stationary news: 12' inch ruler's aren't going to be made any longer 

[timsussex]

Stationary news: 12' inch ruler's aren't going to be made any longer 

pedant mode on

non moving rulers ?  or did you mean stationery

pedant mode off

[WARSZAWA16]

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[Marmalade]

I heard the government were going to give on the spot fines to bad drivers
I thought that's a bit sexist.

[Steve2]

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[Steve2]

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[WARSZAWA16]

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[Thephoenix]

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[Steve2]

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[timsussex]

Surely this is a joke  ...



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[notcalledchris]

How do you "hand cook" crisps?  Surely you'd get them burnt.

[mh]

I heard the government were going to give on the spot fines to bad drivers
I thought that's a bit sexist.

Just to balance it out then, Jo Brand made a good quip on the one off return of Friday Night Live last week - yes, I know I was surprised too!

"I have to drive everywhere, as my husband never learned to drive. In my opinion."

[WDFORTE]

Sources from Rishi Sunaks campaign team say that now he is PM only two schoolchildren will be allowed in Downing Street at a time.

[Thephoenix]

Sources from Rishi Sunaks campaign team say that now he is PM only two schoolchildren will be allowed in Downing Street at a time.

.... I'm a bit slow!

[daviemac]

.... I'm a bit slow!

It's stereotypical racism.

[WDFORTE]

Me and my wife went out for a meal last week.
We soon got seated at a table, while we were waiting for the meal she smiled at me, gave a sexy little giggle slipped off her shoe and started to play footsie under the table. Needless to say I slipped off my shoe too and joined in.
Anyway I had the steak meal and she got toed in the hole.

[lillythesavage]

It's stereotypical racism.

Not even funny, since when do school children get past the gate on Downing Street 

[WDFORTE]

Not even funny, since when do school children get past the gate on Downing Street 

It's happened a lot.  Thatcher, Blair, Bojo.

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OK, it was tongue in cheek, no offense intended.

[WARSZAWA16]

I said to the Mrs why don't you tell me when you orgasm.
She said I don't like bothering you at work...

[David1970]

Sources from Rishi Sunaks campaign team say that now he is PM only two schoolchildren will be allowed in Downing Street at a time.

Sorry what am I missing?

[lillythesavage]

Sorry what am I missing?

A racist comment  , on a joke thread.

[Marmalade]

Sorry what am I missing?

That it is his two children?

[Marmalade]

"I was initially surprised upon reading that Rishi Sunak’s wife is a non-dom
because I certainly didn’t have her husband down as a dom."
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I wonder if he can turn the 'imigrant' question around?
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[timsussex]

someone stole my anti-depressant tablets today

I hope they are Fucking happy now

[daviemac]

Sorry what am I missing?

It's a stereotypical racist comment relating to his ethnic background, if you don't understand it I am not going to explain it further.

[notcalledchris]

Sorry what am I missing?

It is based on two observations :

1, lots of British Asian own newsagents,
2, some newagents would limit the number of school kids in their shop

Both observations are true but stereotypes. Neither is offensive

[lillythesavage]

It is based on two observations :

1, lots of British Asian own newsagents,
2, some newagents would limit the number of school kids in their shop

Both observations are true but stereotypes. Neither is offensive

To you?  You cannot speak for others 

[mh]

OK, it was tongue in cheek, no offense intended.

Without the offense there's no 'joke'.

[notcalledchris]

Without the offense there's no 'joke'.

Observational comedy doesnt need to be offensive.  It is funny because it take a true observation which the audiance may have observed (some British Asians are newagents who are concerned about  shoplifting kids) and exagerates to an absurd degree (the most powerful and 222nd richest  man in the country is concerned about shoplifting because he is Asian).  It is (mildly) funny because we know that the exageration and stereotyping in the idea that only 2kids at a time will be allowed into no 10 is absurd.  We are therefore laughing at the steroeotypical white view of all British Asians as shopkeepers rather than British Asians or Rishi.  If  anything its an antiracist joke.  A racist joke would be one that encouraged the audience to nod along with the stereotyping rather than see it as absurd.

[mh]

Both observations are true but stereotypes. Neither is offensive

It is offensive. Maybe not to you, because you're not the minority being painted as nothing more than a corner shop owner despite having been elected as PM. Don't get me wrong, I can't stand the fucker and am not praising him, but the 'joke' relies on being offensive. You just can't see it.
 

[mh]

It is (mildly) funny because we know that the exageration and stereotyping in the idea that only 2kids at a time will be allowed into no 10 is absurd.  We are therefore laughing at the steroeotypical white view of all British Asians as shopkeepers rather than British Asians or Rishi.  If  anything its an antiracist joke.  A racist joke would be one that encouraged the audience to nod along with the stereotyping rather than see it as absurd.

Codswallop. Plenty of people, likely the vast majority, reading that 'joke' would be seeing the surface 'gag' and nodding along with the stereotyping.

I'm a big fan of offensive comedy when it is properly clever. This isn't.

That's enough discussion on this one for me. I'm out.

[daviemac]

Both observations are true but stereotypes. Neither is offensive

Who the hell do you think you are to tell me that the comment is not offensive, you have no right to speak on my behalf. As far as I'm concerned it is very offensive, you might support racism but I don't.

Race and politics all in one post he's lucky he didn't get a break from the forum.

[Marmalade]

It is based on two observations :

1, lots of British Asian own newsagents,
2, some newagents would limit the number of school kids in their shop

Both observations are true but stereotypes. Neither is offensive

Ahh! Got it! 

Indeed. Nothing offensive about it IMO.

It wasn’t just Asian shops that introduced that though it became associated with hard working Asians running corner shops at all hours. It’s a compliment if they invented it. Thieving little brats trying to distract the staff to swipe some smarties, disgusting. I’d limit it to ONE child at a time. Those sort of unaccompanied children are detestable.

Another thing. If the Pakistani shops could open till 11 at night, offering decent customer service, why can’t Tescos do the same? Isn’t there a legal way of indenturing staff? 

[Marmalade]

Just seen your second post Dave. Apologies if my simultaneous comment was against the rules.

Difficult though. A bit like Schrödinger's cat. If it hadn’t been explained it would be hard say it was racist. I thought originally that Sunak would think he had enough kids in his government building if they were his own two. He seems a private sort of bloke.