Author Topic: The Joke Thread (Read 392554 times)

Xtro · « **Reply #100 on:** September 13, 2020, 10:22:31 am »

Quote from: chrishornx on September 12, 2020, 08:38:42 am

Got you WW he clearly didn't

Oh, I got WW alright...... Like an unwanted curse!

Quote from: hullad on September 12, 2020, 01:25:34 pm

Three business men with there daughters where killed when they where on a holiday flight and it crashed.

The duly arrived at the pearly gates and where met by St Peter.

He said to the first one ' you where so in love with money you even called your daughter Penny, youre not coming in'

The second one was told ' you loved drink so much you called your daughter sherry you're not coming in either'

The third one grabbed his daughters hand and said ' come on fanny this is no place for us '

Like it.

B4bcock · « **Reply #101 on:** September 13, 2020, 11:03:17 am »

Currently doing the rounds;

The Seven Dwarfs have been advised that from Monday they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.

timsussex · « **Reply #102 on:** September 13, 2020, 02:57:32 pm »

Quote from: B4bcock on September 13, 2020, 11:03:17 am

Currently doing the rounds;

The Seven Dwarfs have been advised that from Monday they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.

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mr.bluesky · « **Reply #103 on:** September 13, 2020, 04:39:21 pm »

Quote from: B4bcock on September 13, 2020, 11:03:17 am

Currently doing the rounds;

The Seven Dwarfs have been advised that from Monday they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.

The remaining 6 dwarfs retired to bed feeling grumpy so grumpy got out.

oap69 · « **Reply #104 on:** September 13, 2020, 10:29:27 pm »

My mate lost his job in a pie factory when he caught his dick in a bacon slicer - the bacon slicer got the sack as well

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #105 on:** September 14, 2020, 04:11:26 pm »

When I was a kid, all my clothes came from the army surplus store.
I was the only Japanese General in my class.

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #106 on:** September 14, 2020, 06:12:17 pm »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on September 14, 2020, 04:11:26 pm

When I was a kid, all my clothes came from the army surplus store.
I was the only Japanese General in my class.

Joking apart when I was a teenage lad ( a long time ago) I had a grey trench coat from the army surplus store for the winter. A lovely coat , warm, well made but had to stop wearing it because my mates said I looked like a Gestapo officer in it.

myothernameis · « **Reply #107 on:** September 15, 2020, 07:15:53 pm »

the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year, and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, unsatisfied with those findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.34, and many pints of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the face.

Xtro · « **Reply #108 on:** September 15, 2020, 08:52:30 pm »

Gordon Ramsay's sibling has been in and out of prison, dealing drugs, violence, generally leading a shit life.
But Gordon's an accomplished chef, celebrity status, huge mansions worldwide.
It just goes to show, you should never judge a cook by his brother.

The BBC have announced that Gary Lineker has taken a 25% reduction.
Now he's just a Cun.

Matrix · « **Reply #109 on:** September 15, 2020, 09:18:19 pm »

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sparkus · « **Reply #110 on:** September 15, 2020, 11:53:59 pm »

Quote from: mr.bluesky on September 14, 2020, 06:12:17 pm

Joking apart when I was a teenage lad ( a long time ago) I had a grey trench coat from the army surplus store for the winter. A lovely coat , warm, well made but had to stop wearing it because my mates said I looked like a Gestapo officer in it.

I vaguely remember the West German army parkas being de rigeur (or of the zeitgeist, even) among sixth formers in the 90s, usually capped off with some NME indie band tshirt of the day and DMs. Then with Britpop the US fishtail parkas came in for the mod look. Either way, pretty scruffy but perhaps a cheap way to pull off a look in keeping with the times (I was more into Moschino back then

)

The above now sell for the price of second hand Moschino.

standardpostage · « **Reply #111 on:** September 16, 2020, 07:41:36 am »

Quote from: WARSZAWA16 on September 14, 2020, 04:11:26 pm

When I was a kid, all my clothes came from the army surplus store.
I was the only Japanese General in my class.

Wadebridge · « **Reply #112 on:** September 16, 2020, 10:09:00 am »

Quote from: mr.bluesky on September 13, 2020, 04:39:21 pm

The remaining 6 dwarfs retired to bed feeling grumpy so grumpy got out.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #113 on:** September 21, 2020, 10:09:13 pm »

"I saw that Brexit bloke and that 'Simply The Best' singer leaving on an aeroplane together.
"Farage & Tina?"
"No, for Brazil I think".

ik8133 · « **Reply #114 on:** September 26, 2020, 04:38:57 pm »

That's Saturday night sorted!

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Xtro · « **Reply #115 on:** September 26, 2020, 05:34:46 pm »

On the subject of KFC...

Just found out what KFC stands for. Kill Fuckin Chickens.

It’s chest and leg day today, but..... Will it be down at the gym....or at KFC ?

KFC is the largest restaurant chain in China. It's not to be confused with local delicacy, KFB.

2 bat flu viruses sat on a wall... one says to the other, "Fancy a KFC?"
The other replies, "No, but i could murder a chinese!"

I've just met Anthony Joshua coming out of KFC in New York. "I had chicken legs." he said.
I replied, "I know.... I saw the fight!"

I just saw Harvey Price in KFC, with a family bucket. She drove him there.

KFC are introducing a new item aimed at it's French customers. Monday sees the launch of the Spineless Chicken Banquet.

KFC meals are a bit like a night out with an Essex Girl.
Once you have devoured the breasts and thighs, you have the greasy box to stick your bone in, before slinging it in the gutter and going home.

She asked me if I prefer legs or breasts. I said I prefer a shaved cunt and anal.
That's when I got kicked out of KFC!

sparkus · « **Reply #116 on:** October 10, 2020, 11:58:28 pm »

What do you call a woman who unfreezes a load of cows?

Thora Hird.

standardpostage · « **Reply #117 on:** October 19, 2020, 11:16:27 pm »

What did Adam say the day before Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve!”

WASA38 · « **Reply #118 on:** October 19, 2020, 11:42:33 pm »

Did you hear about the two bald guys wno got their heads together and made a complete arse of themselves ?

kuck · « **Reply #119 on:** October 20, 2020, 12:10:15 am »

Quote

ASDA Shades Warm Vanilla and Sugar Cane Toilet Roll 9 Rolls

………Shades Limited Edition Warm Vanilla & Sugar Cane. Every embossed sheet is enriched with a beautiful balm and the core infused with a warm and wintery fragrance.

AIBU to not want my arsehole to smell of Christmas butter cookies.

External Link/Members Only allowed.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4053242-AIBU-to-not-want-my-bumhole-to-smell-of-Christmas

sparkus · « **Reply #120 on:** October 20, 2020, 01:52:28 am »

Quote from: WASA38 on October 19, 2020, 11:42:33 pm

Did you hear about the two bald guys wno got their heads together and made a complete arse of themselves ?

Grant and Phil? Right Said Fred?

Sigmund Freud · « **Reply #121 on:** October 20, 2020, 04:23:14 am »

I used to cough to cover up my farts. With all this Covid fear I now have to fart to cover up my coughs!

standardpostage · « **Reply #122 on:** October 20, 2020, 08:10:46 am »

Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

WARSZAWA16 · « **Reply #123 on:** October 24, 2020, 03:34:51 pm »

BREAKING NEWS: Seven dinghies packed with refugees arrived on a beach at Weston-Super-Mare this morning. Government sources said they are being returned to Wales immediately.

Horizontal pleasures · « **Reply #124 on:** October 26, 2020, 12:35:53 pm »

Quote from: HighlyMotivated on May 09, 2020, 07:23:14 pm

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent

I’ll see myself out

The P is silent as in bathing.

kuck · « **Reply #125 on:** October 26, 2020, 12:40:41 pm »

Wtf is this? Anyone speak Wuhanese?

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Horizontal pleasures · « **Reply #126 on:** October 26, 2020, 12:48:07 pm »

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Doctor!
Doctor Who?
.....

myothernameis · « **Reply #127 on:** October 27, 2020, 03:14:09 am »

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #128 on:** October 27, 2020, 06:57:10 am »

A man goes to the doctors and says " doctor sometimes I wake up in the morning and think I am Gandalf. Other times I wake up and think I am Bilbo Baggins sometimes times I think I am Frodo. The doctor says
" are you Tolkien the piss ? "

oap69 · « **Reply #129 on:** October 27, 2020, 09:42:21 pm »

When I was at school a joke going around was about a man that went into a mini brothel and came out with smallpox.

Ahalfa Carling · « **Reply #130 on:** October 27, 2020, 11:03:29 pm »

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands.. there is no Cure.

standardpostage · « **Reply #131 on:** October 28, 2020, 12:17:43 am »

Quote from: oap69 on October 27, 2020, 09:42:21 pm

When I was at school a joke going around was about a man that went into a mini brothel and came out with smallpox.

standardpostage · « **Reply #132 on:** October 28, 2020, 12:18:10 am »

Quote from: Ahalfa Carling on October 27, 2020, 11:03:29 pm

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands.. there is no Cure.

Horseman · « **Reply #133 on:** October 28, 2020, 01:40:50 pm »

A man walks into a brothel and slams £1000 onto the counter "I want the ugliest girl you got and all I want is for her to lie on her back and let me do my thing"

The lady behind the counter counts the money and then replies "Sir, with this amount you can have our sexiest and most beautiful girl. What's more she'll do things to you that you have only dreamt of before and take you to the peak of ecstasy."

The man snorts "Lady. I'm homesick not horny"

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #134 on:** October 28, 2020, 01:48:37 pm »

I was walking down my local high street last week when somebody threw a curry at me. Hit me smack bang on the back of my head. I was in a korma for 3 days.

timsussex · « **Reply #135 on:** October 28, 2020, 09:40:31 pm »

Quote from: mr.bluesky on October 28, 2020, 01:48:37 pm

I was walking down my local high street last week when somebody threw a curry at me. Hit me smack bang on the back of my head. I was in a korma for 3 days.

Korma's a bitch !

Bonker · « **Reply #136 on:** October 28, 2020, 11:46:03 pm »

Hey Jude, what would you like with your curry?
Naan naan naan, nana naan naan.

mr.bluesky · « **Reply #137 on:** October 29, 2020, 06:22:29 am »

Flying back from a recent holiday the flight attendant asked me if I would like some dinner. " what are the choices" I asked. " Yes or No" she replied

Xtro · « **Reply #138 on:** October 29, 2020, 09:23:29 am »

Quote from: mr.bluesky on October 28, 2020, 01:48:37 pm

I was walking down my local high street last week when somebody threw a curry at me. Hit me smack bang on the back of my head. I was in a korma for 3 days.

Similarly...... Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy!

standardpostage · « **Reply #139 on:** November 14, 2020, 07:10:09 am »

What do you call the money you put in a pubs condom machine ?

Johnny Cash

ik8133 · « **Reply #140 on:** November 14, 2020, 09:00:43 am »

Thought this funny, apologies to anyone from that part of the world!

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Bryan11 · « **Reply #141 on:** November 14, 2020, 08:45:51 pm »

It’s bound to have been said before

What’s the difference between a Lentil and a chickpea?

I’ve never paid to have a lentil on my face

I like this joke, as it sounds so innocent and wholesome. But it not

Lewis · « **Reply #142 on:** November 14, 2020, 09:04:50 pm »

Leeds Utd are going to hold 2 minutes silence in memory of Peter Sutcliffe tonight, because he was the best attacker they've ever had.

sparkus · « **Reply #143 on:** November 14, 2020, 10:59:33 pm »

The wife turned round last night and said "Darling, turn the lamp off and you can put it up my arse."

Perhaps I should have let the bulb cool down first though.

themaserman · « **Reply #144 on:** November 14, 2020, 11:27:31 pm »

Quote from: Lewis on November 14, 2020, 09:04:50 pm

Leeds Utd are going to hold 2 minutes silence in memory of Peter Sutcliffe tonight, because he was the best attacker they've ever had.

Not exactly funny!

Lewis · « **Reply #145 on:** November 14, 2020, 11:52:53 pm »

Quote from: themaserman on November 14, 2020, 11:27:31 pm

Not exactly funny!

Don’t read it then.

timsussex · « **Reply #146 on:** November 15, 2020, 12:12:02 am »

an old joke but still funny

3 students arrived for their medical after being drafted into the US army to fight in Vietnam (did warn you it was an old joke )

One by one they went to see the doctor and were asked to go behind a screen and strip off
The first student appeared and was passed fit by the doctor but before he left the doctor said
" I have to ask but why do you have a big red Y on your chest?"
The student grinned and explained that he had given his girlfriend his Yale tee shirt before he left to - possibly - die for his country They then made passionate love all night Unfortunately given the heat from their bodes and the sweat the ink from the letter Y had left the mark on his chest which would no doubt disappear with a few more showers

The second student who had a large H on his chest told a very similar story involving his girlfriend and his Harvard tee shirt

When the third student walked in with a large M on his chest the Doctor was ready and asked "Maryland or Michigan ?" but the student grinned even more and answered "Nope Wisconsin "

Horizontal pleasures · « **Reply #147 on:** November 15, 2020, 11:10:39 am »

Quote from: timsussex on November 15, 2020, 12:12:02 am

an old joke but still funny

3 students arrived for their medical after being drafted into the US army to fight in Vietnam (did warn you it was an old joke )

One by one they went to see the doctor and were asked to go behind a screen and strip off
The first student appeared and was passed fit by the doctor but before he left the doctor said
" I have to ask but why do you have a big red Y on your chest?"
The student grinned and explained that he had given his girlfriend his Yale tee shirt before he left to - possibly - die for his country They then made passionate love all night Unfortunately given the heat from their bodes and the sweat the ink from the letter Y had left the mark on his chest which would no doubt disappear with a few more showers

The second student who had a large H on his chest told a very similar story involving his girlfriend and his Harvard tee shirt

When the third student walked in with a large M on his chest the Doctor was ready and asked "Maryland or Michigan ?" but the student grinned even more and answered "Nope Wisconsin "

Like

mh · « **Reply #148 on:** November 16, 2020, 10:44:14 am »

Quote from: Lewis on November 14, 2020, 11:52:53 pm

Don’t read it then.

How does one "unread" something?

Xtro · « **Reply #149 on:** November 16, 2020, 05:14:32 pm »

Quote from: themaserman on November 14, 2020, 11:27:31 pm

Not exactly funny!

Well, I celebrated the fact that the murdering cunt has finally died!
In fact, I went out at the weekend and got hammered!

Still not funny?

Author Topic: The Joke Thread (Read 392554 times)

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