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Author Topic: Funniest punting tales  (Read 2686 times)

Offline SirFrank

What's your funniest punting tale? About 15 years ago I was on a stag do in Cardiff with a superhero fancy dress theme (yeah I know). Anyway me and a few lads turned up at one of the knocking shops dressed as batman robin superman and captain America. We rang the bell and one of the girls answered (this was in the day when all WG actually spoke fluent English) the door. She took one look at us and said fuck me boys who's looking after Gotham city tonight. We burst out laughing and my mate said fuck me you should be on stage. She came back straight away and said well its funny you should say that! She got fucked by captain America (not me) and apparently she was 'sublime'.

I also punted in Belgium at a message parlour. I was just getting jiggy when she started saying ahhhhhh quality cock in a Belgian accent. I literally fell out of her and burst out laughing. Seriously wtf? If you are going to butter me up at least make it moderately believable. Anyway I was shown the door. I also got to the stage where she started shouting at me that I couldn't stop laughing. My stomach was aching when I got back to my hotel. It still amuses me now. She made Dev off coronation st look like Anthony Hopkins
Banning reason: Shitstirring against admin on behalf of banned member

Offline vorian

I think it might have been you with the dwarf in the parlour story SirFrank, if it was you, that story if well worth another post.
Banning reason: Two faced - Slagging off UKP and it's membership using fake account

Offline SirFrank

I think it might have been you with the dwarf in the parlour story SirFrank, if it was you, that story if well worth another post.

Thanks mate. Yeah it was me but my mates swear they never saw her and it was very surreal. Even now I wonder if she was really there or not. I'll see if I can find the post and copy the link here
Banning reason: Shitstirring against admin on behalf of banned member

Offline SirFrank

I think it might have been you with the dwarf in the parlour story SirFrank, if it was you, that story if well worth another post.

https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=22516.msg333769#msg333769
Banning reason: Shitstirring against admin on behalf of banned member

Offline vorian

Banning reason: Two faced - Slagging off UKP and it's membership using fake account

Offline Tjkooker

Fucking the infamous "Glasgow Sandy" in a city hotel. Fire alarm goes. Stood on a main road in the city centre with the most obvious prossie hanging off me for warmth.
Not funny at the time but can look back and laugh.
Banning reason: Outing and trolling a punter because he posted a negative about his favourite prossie. White-knight fluffy that pretends otherwise.

Offline Corus Boy

I had a booking with a girl over in Avonmouth. 

Knocked on the door and this large guy opened the door, looked me over, nodded and said, "You want the girl four doors down there, number 24."

At that he shut the door and we both went about our business.

Offline cornbeefinspector

I had a booking with a girl over in Avonmouth. 

Knocked on the door and this large guy opened the door, looked me over, nodded and said, "You want the girl four doors down there, number 24."

At that he shut the door and we both went about our business.

red face or what  :yahoo:

My funniest happened yesterday. I phoned a lady I have not seen in ages. I agreed on the phone to meet her in an hour and to text when I had parked as visitor parking is a short walk away from her house - residents only. I turned up, texted and was told she was nearly ready. I trundled along and knocked on the door and an unshaven irritated almost aggressive bloke answered and asked who was I looking for.

I mumbled apologies and must have got the wring house.

I staggered on and texted the the first lady whet house number. She texted back and told me a number far higher than any number on this street/estate. I called her and was told by another irritated bloke that he was her husband. I asked in which city was she and she was 40 miles away. I had cooled someone else from my list.

I had knocked on the correct house at the wrong time and aroused her man.


Offline Corus Boy


Fucking the infamous "Glasgow Sandy" in a city hotel. Fire alarm goes. Stood on a main road in the city centre with the most obvious prossie hanging off me for warmth.
Not funny at the time but can look back and laugh.


Who is the infamous "Glasgow Sandy" sounds like something from a Jack the Ripper movie?

Offline Corus Boy


red face or what  :yahoo:


Not really.  I didn't know him and he didn't know me.  I was not local and so our paths were never likely to cross again.

Sure did knock holes in any claim of discretion though and I wondered if the whole street knew her business.

It did teach me about being discrete with people's personal information.

A lesson well learnt.

Offline akauya

On another thread someone mentioned sandwiching girls... well... has anyone ever tried doing a DP?

Long time ago I tried this at at a party and it wasn't as easy as it looks in porn. I was on top fucking the girl's arse and my cock kept popping out. When I managed to get it in the other guy's cock popped out. It went on like that for a while until we both decided to give up. It was rather embarrassing, but funny, as we thought we both needed bigger cocks to accomplish the act porn style.

Much later I found out that it helps at lot on how the girl positions herself as when a lover of mine and I went swinging we tried DP successfully without the popping out cocks problem.

 :cool:

Offline SirFrank

On another thread someone mentioned sandwiching girls... well... has anyone ever tried doing a DP?

Long time ago I tried this at at a party and it wasn't as easy as it looks in porn. I was on top fucking the girl's arse and my cock kept popping out. When I managed to get it in the other guy's cock popped out. It went on like that for a while until we both decided to give up. It was rather embarrassing, but funny, as we thought we both needed bigger cocks to accomplish the act porn style.

Much later I found out that it helps at lot on how the girl positions herself as when a lover of mine and I went swinging we tried DP successfully without the popping out cocks problem.

 :cool:

I've done Dp with 2 separate women while swinging. Had a similar problem to you in that one or both cocks kept falling out. The first time I did it (did both holes) the girl was pretty tight anyway and I thought my cock had been caught in a vice. It can never be too tight but fuck me she came close. Her husband wanted us to try double vag but that would clearly have resulted in a visit to A&E for all 3 of us
Banning reason: Shitstirring against admin on behalf of banned member

Offline akauya

I've done Dp with 2 separate women while swinging. Had a similar problem to you in that one or both cocks kept falling out. The first time I did it (did both holes) the girl was pretty tight anyway and I thought my cock had been caught in a vice. It can never be too tight but fuck me she came close. Her husband wanted us to try double vag but that would clearly have resulted in a visit to A&E for all 3 of us

I'm glad I wasn't the only one...  :D  Ever since I started to fuck porn style I began to have a bit more respect for the guys in porn... it's really not as easy as it looks.


Offline tazz

I once left my watch in a prossies flat. Remembered about 5 minutes later and went back to get it.

Offline CoolTiger

I once left my watch in a prossies flat. Remembered about 5 minutes later and went back to get it.

How did you know it was five minutes later???  :D :D :D

Offline vorian

I'm glad I wasn't the only one...  :D  Ever since I started to fuck porn style I began to have a bit more respect for the guys in porn... it's really not as easy as it looks.

That's why unlike the women there are very few male talents and they tend to have very long careers.
Banning reason: Two faced - Slagging off UKP and it's membership using fake account

Offline akauya

That's why unlike the women there are very few male talents and they tend to have very long careers.

True. This is going a bit off topic but I remember seeing a documentary called 'Family Business' that followed a porn actor Seymore Butts. In one of the episodes he held an audition for male actors. As you can imagine loads of men applied but during the audition he asked them to have a wank right in front of them. Hardly anyone managed even to get a hard on. He offered magazines, etc. nope, nothing... he ended up trying a couple of guys neither of whom managed to perform well in front of the cameras. Seymore Butts wasn't very pleased with the quality of men to say the least :D


Offline musicman007

i remember catching a couple of episodes of that series....if memory serves me right his little grey haired mum used to follow him about and she seemed so proud of him....and his uncle used to do the running about,but go on the missing list all afternoon and finally would surface after being in a brothal all day.....nice work if you can get it.lol

Offline vorian

i remember catching a couple of episodes of that series....if memory serves me right his little grey haired mum used to follow him about and she seemed so proud of him....and his uncle used to do the running about,but go on the missing list all afternoon and finally would surface after being in a brothal all day.....nice work if you can get it.lol

It was a top show, I remember he used to get frustrated as he was trying to be professional but found that he was let down all the time.
Banning reason: Two faced - Slagging off UKP and it's membership using fake account

Tony Montana

I saw a girl at Sandys and as I was her last booking I offered to take her home and buy dinner  (since it was on my way and I was on expenses).  We decided on Chiquitos and had an acceptable meal. At the end of the meal she went off to the ladies just as the waitress came over and asked "Will there be anything else sir?".  I said "I'm OK but perhaps we should wait until my... " and I motioned towards the empty seat with my hand... "errr until my... errr my...".  At that point the only word that my brain would offer my mouth was "prostitute". My tongue was tied in knots and my brain was crying "prostitute! prostitute! prostitute!" while my mouth did a silent impression of a goldfish. I felt myself go the colour of beetroot.  "errr until my... errr my...errrr...until my...".  Finally the waitress put me out of my misery by raising one eyebrow and suggesting "Your friend sir?".  "Yes!!! Yes!!! that's right!!! my friend, she's my friend!" I gushed.  The girl returned,  I paid the bill and we left.    

Same girl about 2 years later visited me for an outcall at my hotel but when she left she forgot her little designer bag of vibrators, condoms and lube.  Again, I would be passing her place as I left for work in the morning so I offered to drop them off.  The next morning I pull up about 7:30am there is no answer at the door as 7:30am does not exist for WGs so I try to shove the bag through the letterbox but it gets jammed (she always did have a tight slot ;) ).  As I push more, I accidentally turn on the vibrators and cannot turn them off.  By now they are totally jammed in there so I send her a text and hope they she gets to them before her postman arrives and finds her letterbox jammed with a vibrating bag.


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