How you feel about cheating

[Turtle Z]

Thing with mumsnet like any forum is everyone's got an opinion.

It's a bit like women who have affairs because of no sex and then wonder why you're dumping them and ending the 'relationship'.
Its the ones who call pathetic that think their other half is saint jesus of perfect.... and its probably him that's fucking her arsehole with a gag in his mouth an a dido up his own arse.

We as blokes compartmentalise - I want a shag or to tick this perversion / kink/ fetish whatever, so I'll get it out of my system as clearly as going to have a hair cut.

Partners will never see it like that.  They may have gone off sex, they may be sweet vanilla only on the night of a full moon but YOU will always be being unfaithful.
I've never know a woman who would turn around and go "I don't like anal, but feel free to pay for it if it gets it out of your system".  Life doesn't work like that.

And kissing.. again, if a partner can get her head around punting, the act of kissing is deeply personal, so again, cheating.


OP, you're paying for a service. YOU don't see it as cheating, she will. simple as that.  It's up to you to reconcile it with yourself.

At least you're not having an affair - a mate of mine did that, some bint who he found of some extramarital dating site. he saw her as a fuck buddy, she saw him as relationship material.

When he decided no more the damage she did to his relationship was catastrophic.
Despite the initial sweet words of 'just a bit of fun' when it all ended apparently it was a relationship and 'how could you do this to me'.

The wife knew, the street knew, everyone knew  - she held nothing back, but apparently reducing him to near homelessness and destitution was ok as it was her "revenge for what he had done to her", and being a woman I'm sure if her husband did divorce her, she'd be sitting pretty irrespective.

Good post Bangstick and one I agree with entirely.  I had problems with a WG I saw a couple of years ago, she asked for a fuck buddy and I stupidly obliged, only with a few times of seeing her my bunny boiler radar was reading off the scale and I finished it before it even got started, or at least thats what I thought. In her mind we were destined to be together forever and what she turned into made Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction look like Mary Poppins. I had to call the police before she stopped harassing me. Interestingly over a year later she emailed to apologise for her behaviour and admitted she was mentally unwell at the time, so we remained on reasonably platonic terms since then though of course I'm always wary. She recently sent me a load of old pornographic photos of a threesome we had saying that she thought I'd like to see them again. Since I already had them....   She then asked me out for Sunday Lunch after telling me that her and her boyfriend had split up as he'd "cheated on her.", I refused but asked why she'd asked? Got some nonsense about her enjoying my company only then it all started to go a bit nuts again. Turned out she'd also just emailed the threesome pics to her very recent ex boyfriend by accident of course. I asked her how she'd managed that only I already knew the game she was playing and knew she was extremely unstable again and probably playing games with the recent ex. I told her that I thought she was unstable again and she then  told me how she was 'going through a bad time at the moment' and that the police had just been round accusing her of criminal damage to her ex-boyfriends property, something I knew she was well capable of. In fact I think she wanted to see me to use as an alibi, well thats my theory.  I told her that I didn't remember a time when she wasn't going through a bad time and not to contact me ever again. Thankfully she hasn't but its a sobering tale. 

[Neal69]

 Thanks for that Turtle.

A profound warning for anyone who even thinks about "crossing the line" with a WG.

Keep it professional.

While I must admit I find a few WG's great fun to be with, when the booking ends that is when the attachment ends.

N

[Turtle Z]

Thanks for that Turtle.

A profound warning for anyone who even thinks about "crossing the line" with a WG.

Keep it professional.

While I must admit I find a few WG's great fun to be with, when the booking ends that is when the attachment ends.

N

Oh yes, and I forget to mention how she told me she'd "boiled his bunny" on finding out he was seeing someone else. Fucking bizarre she would tell me that after the two days of hell she put me through before I had no option other than to call the police.

[Neal69]

And on topic.

Guilt?

Not since Mrs N changed from being a three times a day anywhere and anytime sex goddess into a Under the covers once a month then not at all frigid woman.

We went through counseling the works but nothing changed.

So I started punting and at least the pressure is off now and we get on great.

She has even started to put out once in a while again but unfortunately I have got the bug.

If she had done this 4 years ago I would not be a punter now.

N

[rogercock00]

Like many, I felt guilty after my first punt. These wg give me sexual experiences I could only have expected in my dreams. My mrs lays there like a lemon, does nothing except moan when I show any interest, only embarks on mish, socks on, covers on, every other position is a no-no, hates going near my cock if it has any sign of wet on it, hates cum on her, near her, in her, refuses oral giving or recieving, moans about me seeing her naked, told me to get a vesectomy, then moaned when I booked it saying it was a bit "final", and has the temerity to complain I dont do it "lovingly", and then its lucky if its once a month.
since I found punting, I have had my first blow job, and swallow, which I never thought would happen, even managed two pops in an hour which I havent done since my early twenties.
so do I feel guilty? No way!

Good for you.

The issue here isn't being disrespectful or deceitful although some may see it that way. You can continue to live your, i'm sure, happy life with your wife blissfully happy too or you can satisfy your desire my boning a work colleague or the barmaid at your local - it would keep you serviced but will ultimately hurt your nearest at some point. At least punting provides you with your fix with little or no chance of it knocking on your door - a happy punter means a happy wife.

I suppose we all have the option of sitting the wife down and asking her whether she is ok with us punting and, if not, would she like to divorce and then go and be sexually boring with another bloke in a few months or couple of years.....life isn't that straightforward, especially if you have dependents 

[aazbo22]

The only time I feel guilty is when I have had a shit punt....................

[Turtle Z]

The issue here isn't being disrespectful or deceitful

Sometimes it is. I've seen posts on here of punters reviewing their wives and whilst that all may seem like good fun I think it would be doubly devastating for them to read about their husbands or partners talking about them in this way. I understand that sometimes we have obligations but you have to have some basic level of respect for the person you are living with, even if you no longer have sex with them.

[Spacecowb0y]

Love my wife of 30 years dearly, and she is my best friend, but the sex reduced greatly after the kids were born. No reason to chuck the towel in, when a punt will take care of my sexual desires. I felt a slight pang of guilt on the first punt, but after that it has been fine.
Yes i wish things had been different, and her libido didn't jump off the edge of a cliff after children, but no one is perfect.

[MrMatrix]

Not since Mrs N changed from being a three times a day anywhere and anytime sex goddess into a Under the covers once a month then not at all frigid woman.
We went through counseling the works but nothing changed.
So I started punting and at least the pressure is off now and we get on great.
She has even started to put out once in a while again but unfortunately I have got the bug.
If she had done this 4 years ago I would not be a punter now.

I don't understand how your OH changed so dramatically Neal. Really feel for you as this isn't what you signed up for- I too have been to councelling and I have never had sex 3 times a day, indeed its been crap from the start. I've shown no interest for several years now and took up punting in desperation. I too didn't want to do this but I didn't sign up to a sexless relationship, that was her call. No, I no longer feel guilty. Shes the one that should feel guilty for taking this all for granted

[rogercock00]

I don't understand how your OH changed so dramatically Neal. Really feel for you as this isn't what you signed up for- I too have been to councelling and I have never had sex 3 times a day, indeed its been crap from the start. I've shown no interest for several years now and took up punting in desperation. I too didn't want to do this but I didn't sign up to a sexless relationship, that was her call. No, I no longer feel guilty. Shes the one that should feel guilty for taking this all for granted

Amen 

[Neal69]

I really don't know either.

Body issues as she got older as she has put on a bit of weight but not much and she is still a good looking woman for her age and better shape than loads who are younger.

Menopause maybe . I don't know but it dropped off pretty quickly after that.

Worse thing is that although vanilla her libido has picked up a bit this year.

N

[MrMatrix]

I really don't know either.
Body issues as she got older as she has put on a bit of weight but not much and she is still a good looking woman for her age and better shape than loads who are younger.
Menopause maybe . I don't know but it dropped off pretty quickly after that.
Worse thing is that although vanilla her libido has picked up a bit this year.
N

I guess that's a result. If she came back on line would you stop punting.
Me I never got to the bottom of my OHs problem and I never will now. Silly girl we've both lost so much. Think she realises shes screwed up, but I'm not interested any more. But she's always got all the answers...........NOT.

[Bootleg]

I very rarely feel guilty about punting but since my wife started working again I have been getting some twinges.
She works as a care worker for autistic adults and has some bad times with some of them.

A couple of weeks ago she was telling me what a horrendous day she had (getting punched, client smearing excrement on walls etc. ). That day I had spent twice what she earned fucking a Polish prossie including anal.
 
Difficult not to feel a bit guilty 

[Neal69]

I very rarely feel guilty about punting but since my wife started working again I have been getting some twinges.
She works as a care worker for autistic adults and has some bad times with some of them.

A couple of weeks ago she was telling me what a horrendous day she had (getting punched, client smearing excrement on walls etc. ). That day I had spent twice what she earned fucking a Polish prossie including anal.
 
Difficult not to feel a bit guilty 

Can't go down that route Im afraid.

My salary has provided us both with a very comfortable lifestyle.

It was my choice to marry Mrs N knowing this.

Although she is still my best friend there is a part of the contract that she is defaulting on.

The small proportion of my salary that I spend on my punting makes little difference to our lifestyle but keeps me sexually satisfied.

And I now think I am hooked on hookers.

N

[MrMatrix]

Can't go down that route Im afraid.
My salary has provided us both with a very comfortable lifestyle.
It was my choice to marry Mrs N knowing this.
Although she is still my best friend there is a part of the contract that she is defaulting on.
The small proportion of my salary that I spend on my punting makes little difference to our lifestyle but keeps me sexually satisfied.
And I now think I am hooked on hookers.
N

Neal you've summed that up quite well for both of us mate. Trouble is the spend is gradually increasing year by year. I wonder where its going to finish

[Paul Morphy]

Not since Mrs N changed from being a three times a day anywhere and anytime sex goddess into a Under the covers once a month then not at all frigid woman.

We went through counseling the works but nothing changed.

So I started punting and at least the pressure is off now and we get on great.

She has even started to put out once in a while again but unfortunately I have got the bug.

If she had done this 4 years ago I would not be a punter now.

N

I hear you and I'm in the same boat. My wife has pretty much given up - which has lead to a huge amount of frustration on my side because she's a great woman in many ways but her sex drive has died in the last few years.

Unfortunately, my drive hasn't slowed down and that leads to a lot of frustration for me.

[AVGscot]

Fucking hell it's depressing reading this thread. Personally I dont think I could punt while in a relationship but then again I wouldn't be staying in a sexless relationship either, just sounds miserable.

[Monsieur69]

I was in my 50s. My business had gone bust and I had to go back to working for a company. My boss was 10 years younger than me and a total knob. My wife had hit menopause and there was no sex at all. Nada. Zilch. Then I got a very curable ( fortunately ) type of cancer. I thought- " fuck me- it can't get any worse. I am horny as hell. Pissed off and doing all the right things. Behaving myself. Being faithful in a sexless marriage. Working hard for my wife and kids at Uni. How about some me time???" So I started punting. Never done it before. Loved every minute but spent about £5000 a year. Sod it. You only live twice.

[MrMatrix]

I was in my 50s. My business had gone bust and I had to go back to working for a company. My boss was 10 years younger than me and a total knob. My wife had hit menopause and there was no sex at all. Nada. Zilch. Then I got a very curable ( fortunately ) type of cancer. I thought- " fuck me- it can't get any worse. I am horny as hell. Pissed off and doing all the right things. Behaving myself. Being faithful in a sexless marriage. Working hard for my wife and kids at Uni. How about some me time???" So I started punting. Never done it before. Loved every minute but spent about £5000 a year. Sod it. You only live twice.

Monsieur, this sounds familiar apart from the cancer (sorry to hear mate). In my case 4 of my friends died early 50's, best friend in his 40's and as my OH says "life isn't a rehearsal and you only come this way once". And as shes always right I did something about it. Trouble is its getting more expensive each year - O well

[Monsieur69]

It is expensive and I tried for ages to hide it from the OH. Hiding £5 here and there until I had enough for a punt. We had a very  good relationship for years with a joint bank account and knew everything about each other. When I wanted to start punting I had to insist on my own separate bank account and she was pissed off but I persisted and got my own way. I was desperate for sex and no longer cared whether she was happy about it or not. In many ways we have a more mature relationship now after 30+ years of marriage. It's no fairy story but then life isn't is it?

[Dicky]

I have been married once....started seeing prossies after my divorce and because I travel 50% of the time and cant be arsed to seduce and charm someone when I am on the road. Towards the end of my marriage, my wife had become very frigid (in her early 30s too, no kids) to the extent that we only had sex once in 4-5 months and that too while she was half asleep. I did have a frank conversation with her about the fact that I needed sex more often and no, masturbation does not quite do it. She herself suggested that I see prossies. I did not follow it up but that was the first thing I did after I got my divorce (due to other reasons).

Has anyone else had a frank and honest chat with their wives about what to do about sex given they are not getting it at home?

[ClarkeOfTheCourse]

It's not been talked about but I'm sure Mrs C suspects. Anything worth serious discussion is swept under the carpet, just like in Victorian times 

[MrMatrix]

I was desperate for sex and no longer cared whether she was happy about it or not. In many ways we have a more mature relationship now after 30+ years of marriage. It's no fairy story but then life isn't is it?

Yup thats me. Only I've never had a proper sex life its been very poor. I'm still angry over the rejection and keeps saying she still loves me but never enough for a proper relationship. Didn't sign up to have a sister.
I suggested a fuck buddy last year. She wasn't happy about the idea as  she said I'd tell every one (not likely) but interestingly she didn't say No. Just not sure how to go about and get a fuck buddy that's all.
Escorts are so convenient as a window of opportunity arises and you think I'll go and have a shag, so much easier..

[SUMO61]

I haven't asked the wife for a shag now for five years.  She hasn't ever raised the subject.  The Elephant is quietly sat in the room, so i'm not disturbing it, because all other aspects of our relationship is just fine, thanks..

Considering I once told her fifteen years ago  I went for handjob at a parlour, out of frustration, she might not want to disturb it either..

So, to answer the question, she's not meeting her marital obligations and nor am I, so I couldn't give less of a fuck

[stevedave]

I suggested a fuck buddy last year. She wasn't happy about the idea as  she said I'd tell every one (not likely) but interestingly she didn't say No. Just not sure how to go about and get a fuck buddy that's all.

Just tell her you now have several fuck buddies who only ask for money. I'm sure she'll understand!

[bod666]

Christ it's nice to know I'm not the only poor bastard who got married to a wife who then went off sex. I managed a few years of married life with no sex before turning to escorts. I even tried a fleshlight before turning to escorts. It was a laugh a minute when the wife found the fleshlight - for some reason she found it insulting to her as a woman that she couldn't satisfy me and I needed a fake vagina - my rejoinder that you need to have sex occasionally to be satisfied went down like a lead balloon.

Im separated now and have a maybe possible girlfriend (complicated). if that ever becomes uncomplicated I'm going to stop punting. New girlfriend is everything I ever wanted in a woman whereas the ex wife was just a good female friend I lived with.

Punting is interesting in that some experiences are just a shag whereas some manage to replicate the whole feeling of a loving sexual relationship (but normally better).

I always used to tell myself that sex with someone you're in love with was the best sex; I can honestly say the best sex of my life has been with escorts. So much better than any sex I've had with a civvy.

I don't remember ever having any guilt about shagging escorts while the wife wasn't putting out. I have felt guilty recently about cheating on the prospective gf. In my defence though prospective gf isn't in the U.K. so I don't consider it as binding until I see her in the flesh again.

It's funny how the male brain works. If things do go well with future Mrs bod I'm going to have at least 6 months where she's not uk based - will be interesting to see if I can keep it in my pants during that phase of the relationship...

Funny how I didn't see it as cheating with the wife but would see it as cheating on the gf...

[bod666]

After reading the full thread - got to echo the view about you only have one life. I now know that on my deathbed I will have satisfied all the perverted desires I've ever had, and without punting that would never have happened.

I would have been gutted to have stayed faithful to the frigid wife and then died regretting never having had a bj, given a facial, fucked a hot young girl's arse, the list goes on...

Thank fuck for escorts and ukp 

[MrMatrix]

Just tell her you now have several fuck buddies who only ask for money. I'm sure she'll understand!

Some how stevedave, I'm not sure you're right, don't know why- just a gut feeling I guess 

[Caratacus]

I'm much the same as the OP, married, sex practically nil, but i love my wife to pieces. I do feel guilty (mainly after the punt....and more so if it's been a shit one). Prior to a punt my testosterone is running amok and guilt doesn't come into it. I am seriously considering giving up punting because of the guilt, fear of being caught, catching an STD, and the cost but i know i'll then get bugger all sex at all. I don't consider shagging a WG anything like having an affair (which i would never do, but have had the opportunity at least 3 times) so i have a dilemma. Even when we did have sex it was me who decided positions, etc, my missus would never take the lead, and eventually it became boring so, in the end, i couldn't be bothered. Like Bod, shagging escorts has enabled me to have FFM and FFFM sessions, shag loads of totty half my age, have anal, some mind-blowing BJs and carry out many fantasies. Like others have said, you only have one life, so live it. So do i carry on....or do i stop? I haven't a fucking clue.

[Paul Morphy]

Has anyone else had a frank and honest chat with their wives about what to do about sex given they are not getting it at home?

I've tried to start that conversation. When we do start discussing it, she says that her body has changed and that she's no longer has the urge for sex like she used to when she was younger (we're in our early 50's).

She is still a great looking woman and the amount of people I've had tell me "you're one lucky bugger to have a fine looking woman like that" ae too many to mention. She looks after herself, dresses well, makeup perfect, she's at the gym every second day and she keeps herself in top class nick.

But she's just not interested in sex any more. Unfortunately.

[MrMatrix]

I'm much the same as the OP, married, sex practically nil, but i love my wife to pieces. I do feel guilty (mainly after the punt....and more so if it's been a shit one). Prior to a punt my testosterone is running amok and guilt doesn't come into it. I am seriously considering giving up punting because of the guilt, fear of being caught, catching an STD, and the cost but i know i'll then get bugger all sex at all. I don't consider shagging a WG anything like having an affair (which i would never do, but have had the opportunity at least 3 times) so i have a dilemma. Even when we did have sex it was me who decided positions, etc, my missus would never take the lead, and eventually it became boring so, in the end, i couldn't be bothered. Like Bod, shagging escorts has enabled me to have FFM and FFFM sessions, shag loads of totty half my age, have anal, some mind-blowing BJs and carry out many fantasies. Like others have said, you only have one life, so live it. So do i carry on....or do i stop? I haven't a fucking clue.

Got the T shirt. I'm almost the same as this. Its no longer guilt probably you feel shame. Shame that its come to this as the no sex wasn't your choice. You still fancy your OH. You really only want to have sex with her. You still love your OH. But you need to have a shag as the need claws at you, but OH refuses you. In desperation you come across AW. Holy fuck a shopping list. can these girls be for real. I'd rather be with OH. Still she doesn't want to know me. Got no choice, its not like having an affair. You go and see one. Shes 30 years younger, sucks cock like a Dyson hoover, skin young, firm boobs, nipples that need attention. this is so nice. Young pussy looking at you.......................................................................... O shit what have I done. O I'm not doing this again. But you've made that leap- its started. you feel guilt/ shame. Its not what you wanted. But it was good. You do it again and the meetings get easier. You still feel bad, this isn't me you think. But I haven't had sex with OH for over a year (my case years). what else am I suppose to do. And so you start seeing more WGs but it never settles right in your mind....You only come this way once and I'm not going to live like a monk in my own marriage and so you continue...
Does this sum it up.
As I see it you either change the way you relationship by getting counselling NOW and stop seeing WGs, which I think is preferable and you bear the shame you feel. Or you carry on with your new hobby and be careful cos you still love your OH and you don't want to hurt her. yes its a dilemma many of us feel. The counseling didn't work for me -too much damage already so I now punt. Never was my first choice though. Best of luck with the choice you make.

[Caratacus]

Got the T shirt. I'm almost the same as this. Its no longer guilt probably you feel shame. Shame that its come to this as the no sex wasn't your choice. You still fancy your OH. You really only want to have sex with her. You still love your OH. But you need to have a shag as the need claws at you, but OH refuses you. In desperation you come across AW. Holy fuck a shopping list. can these girls be for real. I'd rather be with OH. Still she doesn't want to know me. Got no choice, its not like having an affair. You go and see one. Shes 30 years younger, sucks cock like a Dyson hoover, skin young, firm boobs, nipples that need attention. this is so nice. Young pussy looking at you.......................................................................... O shit what have I done. O I'm not doing this again. But you've made that leap- its started. you feel guilt/ shame. Its not what you wanted. But it was good. You do it again and the meetings get easier. You still feel bad, this isn't me you think. But I haven't had sex with OH for over a year (my case years). what else am I suppose to do. And so you start seeing more WGs but it never settles right in your mind....You only come this way once and I'm not going to live like a monk in my own marriage and so you continue...
Does this sum it up.
As I see it you either change the way you relationship by getting counselling NOW and stop seeing WGs, which I think is preferable and you bear the shame you feel. Or you carry on with your new hobby and be careful cos you still love your OH and you don't want to hurt her. yes its a dilemma many of us feel. The counseling didn't work for me -too much damage already so I now punt. Never was my first choice though. Best of luck with the choice you make.

You've hit the nail on the head exactly. I don't want to go for counselling though. As somebody has already said, the elephant is sitting firmly in the room.....we both know it's there but the subject hasn't been spoken about yet. My missus is very sensitive and i can't see how talking about it will change anything, soi won't. My intention is to pack in punting at the start of the new year. I am very disciplined....when i say i'm going to do something, i do it but this will a stern test of my willpower.