Author Topic: You know you're a punter when... (Read 440550 times)

willie loman · « **Reply #850 on:** May 23, 2018, 05:05:47 am »

You realise you now have 30 toothbrushes and similar no of tubes of toothpaste, bought before entering the sauna, cos you forgot to leave the house prepared.

RD8000 · « **Reply #851 on:** May 23, 2018, 05:26:04 pm »

When you drive past a car with a logo that says ATM on the bonnet and you look at the hot brunette driving and think dirty bitch.

davxx · « **Reply #852 on:** May 23, 2018, 10:16:08 pm »

Parked beside a big fancy Range Rover today and personalised plate was numbers then FK and all I can think off is my next punt and French Kissing..

kjay33 · « **Reply #853 on:** May 26, 2018, 10:15:30 am »

Your google maps have a load of random postcodes tracing to flats/apartments

JonasG · « **Reply #854 on:** May 26, 2018, 02:36:51 pm »

Quote from: kjay33 on May 26, 2018, 10:15:30 am

Your google maps have a load of random postcodes tracing to flats/apartments

Whenever I check my Google timeline, I do laugh lol.

So many random places I have no reason to be in.

My geography has defo improved since I started punting ha.

WKD123 · « **Reply #855 on:** May 26, 2018, 02:44:41 pm »

You check into a hotel for a few days away with the wife (no chance of any sex though, even when trying the romantic approach) and you can't help thinking what the very young and sexy receptionist might say if you suggested giving her a pay rise of close to 10 times for an hour, with no costs as she can just use a spare room....

Avg_Joe · « **Reply #856 on:** May 26, 2018, 07:26:46 pm »

Quote from: WKD123 on May 26, 2018, 02:44:41 pm

You check into a hotel for a few days away with the wife (no chance of any sex though, even when trying the romantic approach) and you can't help thinking what the very young and sexy receptionist might say if you suggested giving her a pay rise of close to 10 times for an hour, with no costs as she can just use a spare room....

LLPunting · « **Reply #857 on:** May 26, 2018, 09:09:04 pm »

1) A child asks you if a story has a happy ending and you say "only if you pay extra".

2) The girl in Five Guys asks you if you want any extras with your burger and you say "how much?"

3) Any pretty girl giving you cash seems wrong.

4) You don't buy the OH a takeaway because you know a gal who will definitely blow you for the cash.

5) You've not been paying attention to the conversation and someone mentions "Chinese Medicine" and you blurt out "Oh yes, I've seen plenty of that on Gumtree."

6) You ask Alexa for suggestions about what to do tonight and she replies "Do you want massage or full service?"

Avg_Joe · « **Reply #858 on:** May 27, 2018, 11:24:56 am »

Quote from: LLPunting on May 26, 2018, 09:09:04 pm

6) You ask Alexa for suggestions about what to do tonight and she replies "Do you want massage or full service?"

webpunter · « **Reply #859 on:** May 27, 2018, 07:14:23 pm »

LLP - quality Sir no. 6

webpunter · « **Reply #860 on:** May 27, 2018, 07:15:40 pm »

LLP - does the LL stand for Limited Liability - legal jargon etc ?

Cumberland · « **Reply #861 on:** May 28, 2018, 12:03:20 am »

You know you're a punter when...You have to tell your OH you have a chronic bowel disorder in order to justify the extensive time you spend locked in the toilet. When the reality is you are 100% healthy but are logging into UKP/AW and organising your next filthy liaison and negotiating if she takes it up the bum

Dipper · « **Reply #862 on:** May 28, 2018, 12:14:50 am »

.... the racing commentator saying “thousands of punters expected through the gates today. “ takes on an entirely different meaning.

LLPunting · « **Reply #863 on:** May 28, 2018, 02:44:46 am »

Quote from: webpunter on May 27, 2018, 07:15:40 pm

LLP - does the LL stand for Limited Liability - legal jargon etc ?

Nah mate, I'm a total liability.

LLPunting · « **Reply #864 on:** May 28, 2018, 03:24:49 am »

1) You tote up the amount you've spent on punts over a month and realise your OH is cheaper but not better VFM.

2) You shove your finger up your OH's back passage and you tell her to scream like she did at lunchtime, only you didn't have your finger up her arse at lunchtime.

3) Your OH refuses to give you OWO out of the shower so you get dressed and ask for your money back

4) You post a pic of your OH on the Bareback thread and tell everyone "one to avoid"

5) A girl starts choking at the next table in a restaurant and you close your eyes and smile as you feel a semi coming on

6) You're at the barbers and the girl cutting your hair accidentally bumps your arm with her hip and you almost ask her if she'll do extras.

7) The first thing you do on entering your bedroom at home is put £60 on the bedside table.

8) The morning after you have sex with your OH you write a review on the kitchen whiteboard.

Bogof60 · « **Reply #865 on:** May 28, 2018, 09:39:50 am »

#5 is best.

webpunter · « **Reply #866 on:** May 28, 2018, 03:03:41 pm »

#7
With enuf folding in your back pocket to extend

Phaedrus · « **Reply #867 on:** May 30, 2018, 12:33:24 pm »

..you open up a book on logic and feel hard done by when you cannot find the chapter on “prossie logic”

anonyorks · « **Reply #868 on:** June 01, 2018, 10:13:55 am »

You recognise a girl from a picture of her arse on the UK Escorting media tab when you come onto here

candec · « **Reply #869 on:** June 01, 2018, 10:23:54 am »

When a girl says she's going for a facial and you think I'll give you a free one.

hmscossack · « **Reply #870 on:** June 01, 2018, 11:32:08 am »

you see the HR mentioned at work - and think ' Hand Release ' - not Human Resources

Avg_Joe · « **Reply #871 on:** June 01, 2018, 11:55:17 am »

Quote from: hmscossack on June 01, 2018, 11:32:08 am

you see the HR mentioned at work - and think ' Hand Release ' - not Human Resources

the former being of course much more fucking useful !

RAJEC · « **Reply #872 on:** June 01, 2018, 01:42:54 pm »

... you recognise a wg (or her big fat arse) whilst riding the tube, from a Uk p thread. wg In question:

https://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?topic=190617.msg1998402#msg1998402

No aw profile any more (?).

Ps arse is pretty fucking massive and was in tight leggings. If I’d just seen her face, I’d have thought it was a rabbit, with a bobbed hairstyle, but the jiggle on her arse was exquisite.

Oh to be a punter...

LLPunting · « **Reply #873 on:** June 01, 2018, 01:59:52 pm »

you see a girl across from you yawn and you think to yourself "Neutral - no eye contact"

candec · « **Reply #874 on:** June 02, 2018, 12:33:34 pm »

When you see a sexy looking oriental girl and wonder what parlour she works in.

Derrick101 · « **Reply #875 on:** June 02, 2018, 12:36:46 pm »

You wonder who's working behind the hotel room doors with 'Do Not Disturb' tags hanging from the door handle.

loverofbootsandheels · « **Reply #876 on:** June 02, 2018, 02:36:25 pm »

When you see a hot girl out and about and you wonder how much she would charge per hour.

webpunter · « **Reply #877 on:** June 02, 2018, 08:20:20 pm »

When you see stuff on the news / news websites about the ruskies
A couple of seconds later you think that ruskie lovin Comrade Stapler is a complete bell-end & have a laarf to yourself

Horizontal pleasures · « **Reply #878 on:** June 02, 2018, 10:04:01 pm »

when ... you read this headline in the Guardian today:
External Link/Members Only

Boom in small music festivals put punters at risk, experts say

webpunter · « **Reply #879 on:** June 02, 2018, 10:12:37 pm »

Judging by some of the units that you bang i would suggest that such risks are for you, water-off-a-ducks-back

Quote from: Horizontal pleasures on June 02, 2018, 10:04:01 pm

when ... you read this headline in the Guardian today:
External Link/Members Only

Boom in small music festivals put punters at risk, experts say

Me thinks you did leave the goal 'wide-open'. A bit like the burds gashes on your HL

Just playin'
Respec

Horizontal pleasures · « **Reply #880 on:** June 03, 2018, 12:21:00 pm »

Quote from: webpunter on June 02, 2018, 10:12:37 pm

Judging by some of the units that you bang i would suggest that such risks are for you, water-off-a-ducks-back

Me thinks you did leave the goal 'wide-open'. A bit like the burds gashes on your HL

Just playin'
Respec

I wish I understood what you are on about? I never went to a 'festival'; it was just the use of the word 'punter' in the headline.

Gynaemyte · « **Reply #881 on:** June 07, 2018, 10:02:04 pm »

. . . when recently watching “Endeavour” (Morse) in his Jaguar with Number Plate : “KAN I 69”.
With Joan Thursday (his boss’s daughter), I doubt it.

bhudda · « **Reply #882 on:** June 08, 2018, 12:07:45 pm »

Quote from: LLPunting on May 28, 2018, 03:24:49 am

2) You shove your finger up your OH's back passage and you tell her to scream

If I did that there'd be no need to tell her to scream

loverofbootsandheels · « **Reply #883 on:** June 08, 2018, 01:18:54 pm »

When you see a duo chocolate bar in a shop, you think of the obvious!

Cumberland · « **Reply #884 on:** June 08, 2018, 03:25:58 pm »

Just been out shopping to a Mall with the OH (stay with it this gets better honestly)...and I buy a pair of jeans than need the leg length shortening (no really it gets better)....so I pop into a Quick-Stitch and put them on. The young seamstress is on her knees, scuffling around and turning up the hems and adding pins etc. She looks up at me and asks innocently ‘is that alright for you?’. At this point my cunning plan came together. I had been furiously wanking in the changing room when putting on the pants so I was therefore able to unleash a massive surprise directly onto the shocked face of the kneeling young girl. Quite possibly the world’s first ever Quick-Stitch facial.

Okay so the last part of the story is fake...but I know I’m a punter as I sooooo wanted too.

mh · « **Reply #885 on:** June 08, 2018, 03:50:49 pm »

Quote from: Cumberland on June 08, 2018, 03:25:58 pm

I had been furiously wanking in the changing room when putting on the pants so I was therefore able to unleash a massive surprise directly onto the shocked face of the kneeling young girl.

Obviously better than Slaters - they insist on your cock being inside your pants while doing the fitting - spoilsports.

Plan R · « **Reply #886 on:** June 08, 2018, 06:24:55 pm »

Visiting family yesterday evening, tele was on in the background..
On comes the new 'Sub-of-the-Day' advert from Subway
(I have a hotlist called 'Subs' )

I hope nobody noticed that the wording of the ad caused my eyebrows to rise off the top of my head

External Link/Members Only

webpunter · « **Reply #887 on:** June 09, 2018, 01:13:21 am »

On school run. Looking round the bunch of overweight boring baby factory munters i could only think MNet
Eating chocolate, bitching about everything in life, including no sex for their OHs & how much they hate them
They detest & despise the occasional fit milfs amongst them
Nearly as much as hookers & massage burds
I [nearly] feel sorry for their OHs - apart from the fact that they are spineless fucks

LLPunting · « **Reply #888 on:** June 09, 2018, 03:29:01 am »

Quote from: webpunter on June 09, 2018, 01:13:21 am

On school run. Looking round the bunch of overweight boring baby factory munters i could only think MNet
Eating chocolate, bitching about everything in life, including no sex for their OHs & how much they hate them
They detest & despise the occasional fit milfs amongst them
Nearly as much as hookers & massage burds
I [nearly] feel sorry for their OHs - apart from the fact that they are spineless fucks

Hey WP that's a load of ire for the MNet denizens. Are you saying being a punter makes you think all that about them?

webpunter · « **Reply #889 on:** June 09, 2018, 08:56:53 am »

Nope
Wasn't even aware of Mnet b4 being on here
They just had that look
The thought was there then gorne
As for the ire

PS - had to google denizens to see what this meant

Quote from: LLPunting on June 09, 2018, 03:29:01 am

Hey WP that's a load of ire for the MNet denizens. Are you saying being a punter makes you think all that about them?

LLPunting · « **Reply #890 on:** June 09, 2018, 11:01:54 am »

1) Your missus says she desperately needs a facial and:
a) you know she doesn't mean what your little brain is thinking.
b) you couldn't oblige anyway because you're due to blow your paste all over your regular later and you're videoing it

2) The waiter asks if you want cream in your coffee and you tell him you're not paying extra

3) You're in B&Q and see some Polyfilla on the shelf and you can't remember how much her rates are on AW but you remember the sight of her norks.

Bogof60 · « **Reply #891 on:** June 09, 2018, 06:04:14 pm »

OH says I am going out for Lunch/Dinner/Drinks with XXXXX on Monday and your first thought is
Punt On

cerealpunter · « **Reply #892 on:** June 09, 2018, 07:05:44 pm »

Quote from: Bogof60 on June 09, 2018, 06:04:14 pm

OH says I am going out for Lunch/Dinner/Drinks with XXXXX on Monday and your first thought is
Punt On

I wonder how many wives actually know what the other half gets up to, she might be thinking if I go out for drinks with XXXXX it will give him a chance to go for a punt and stop him bothering me for sex for another week

Horizontal pleasures · « **Reply #893 on:** June 09, 2018, 08:18:04 pm »

you see an advert for a Petting Farm ....

nuff said

Plan R · « **Reply #894 on:** June 09, 2018, 09:05:44 pm »

Quote from: webpunter on June 09, 2018, 01:13:21 am

On school run. Looking round the bunch of overweight boring baby factory munters i could only think MNet
Eating chocolate, bitching about everything in life, including no sex for their OHs & how much they hate them
They detest & despise the occasional fit milfs amongst them
Nearly as much as hookers & massage burds

This sums up my thoughts about most civie birds these days.
Thank heaven we have brass rubbing - what a great hobby !

bristolqwerty · « **Reply #895 on:** June 17, 2018, 01:01:58 pm »

...... when you're watching the world cup, eyeing up the ladies in the crowd thinking.... she'd be a good escort. Some beautiful Serbian girlies

horsa · « **Reply #896 on:** June 17, 2018, 01:03:45 pm »

Quote from: Londonpunting on June 17, 2018, 01:01:58 pm

...... when you're watching thw world cup, eyeing up the ladies in the crowd thinking.... she'd be a good escort. Some beautiful Serbian girlies

every world cup it seems the camera man always spots the hotties in crowd from various countries

bristolqwerty · « **Reply #897 on:** June 17, 2018, 01:07:05 pm »

Obvious punter himself/herself then.

Avg_Joe · « **Reply #898 on:** June 18, 2018, 11:38:38 am »

Quote from: horsa on June 17, 2018, 01:03:45 pm

every world cup it seems the camera man always spots the hotties in crowd from various countries

I wouldn't be surprised if the cameramen run a sweep-stake on who can capture the hottest.

Got to be some perks to the job, we've all sat there and either thought or said, FFS zoom in on that blonde/brunette.... well they can

Horizontal pleasures · « **Reply #899 on:** June 25, 2018, 09:12:10 pm »

I see a shop as I drive through Bristol rejoicing in the name of Blow Me. I had no idea what this was until I googled it when I got home. A hairdresser! (I do not write believe that this is all they do!)

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Author Topic: You know you're a punter when... (Read 440550 times)

kjay33

Phaedrus

cerealpunter

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