You know you're a punter when...

[webpunter]

When the civvy asked what the track is i'm playing on my mobile she really likes it
I liked it too so much so that i shazamed it from a massage burds mobile

[SYorksPunter]

When you’re doing a crossword, and the clue is “establishments offering facials” and you can’t understand why you can’t fit ‘brothels’ into 4 letters (the actual answer being ‘spas’j

[Steely Dan]

When you read a serious article about a serious topic and you only notice one word....

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[myothernameis]

When you see someone wearing a jacket, with logo 49r's, automatically think well were the 69r's 

[Benning]

When you’re staying at a travelodge near an airport and are keeping an eye out for well maintained women wearing a baseball cap and you walk past any room with the TV on full blast with extra suspicion 

[Iloveoral]

When you’re staying at a travelodge near an airport and are keeping an eye out for well maintained women wearing a baseball cap and you walk past any room with the TV on full blast with extra suspicion 

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[Prifessionallondinguy]

When you’re doing a crossword, and the clue is “establishments offering facials” and you can’t understand why you can’t fit ‘brothels’ into 4 letters (the actual answer being ‘spas’j

I put “Soho”

[mrwhite]

When you see a picture of the new F1 Champion, see the title sponsor on his helmet visor and come completely to the wrong conclusion!

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[tec5elmano]

When you're in an agricultural supplier and you see oil for a milking machine and wonder what table that that goes with!

[happyharry]

When you see a picture of the new F1 Champion, see the title sponsor on his helmet visor and come completely to the wrong conclusion!

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I was more drawn to this one. Where is this magical place ?



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[CigarSmoke]

When you see a picture of the new F1 Champion, see the title sponsor on his helmet visor and come completely to the wrong conclusion!

Ah, this reminds me of...

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[The0neAnd0nly]

When a CIP Lounge sign in Cambodia makes you think.... "theres only one CIP I know of" and you wonder if all they sevre are creampies in there

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[Fookmefooku]

Ah, this reminds me of...

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There is (or was) another OF sponsored car running in the Aussie series, driven by some SP

[webpunter]

There is (or was) another OF sponsored car running in the Aussie series, driven by some SP

Renee Gracie
She looks banging with a decent set of airbags installed

Can you imagine the grief she would get racing here 
Our besties @ M-net (think we should refer to them as Munters-R-Us) & the PC brigade would go ballistic 

& the FIA would have a dilemma, how many years ago did they ban Pit Lane Pussy ?
Which was so unfair on stunners looking to snare an F1 driver

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[kayak]

When you see one of these on the motorway and chuckle to yourself.

[img][https://www.chrisbennett.co.uk/app/uploads/2023/02/escort-vehicle-scaled.jpg/img]

If I recall, Lou4fun toured around in her Mercedes van with a driver. She could technically have qualified to have the label “ESCORT VEHICLE” emblazoned on the side.

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[JimmySW]

For those with memories as long as mine:

Durex sponsored the Surtees Formula 1 team in 1976, specifically the Surtees TS19 car, leading to major controversy where the BBC and ITV refused to broadcast races due to the condom branding being deemed "unsuitable for family viewing," a decision that blacked out most of the season until the final race. The team even used the slogan "Durex Surtees - The Small Family Car" on promotional materials, adding to the iconic, controversial moment in F1 history.

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[Googly7]

Almost choked on my tea when I saw that the wife had bought some crackers for our Christmas cheese from Olina's Bakery.

[myothernameis]

In work, we had a issue with on of the tills, that wouldn't open properly.  So a female colleague standing next to me, and as I fix the till, and get it to open, she says you done that before

So using my two middle fingers, like you do when fingering a escort, this is what the colleague thought I was doing, and Im thinking to myself, yes and she loved it 

[Thephoenix]

Small melanoma found on calf. ( I mean lower leg, not small cow).
 Told not to worry by all and sundry as hopefully discovered early and surgery should resolve the issue.

However lovely cancer nurse insisted on checking over all the rest of my skin surface,  so I was asked to strip down to briefs and lie on the massage bench...( I mean examination table).

Also needed to thoroughly examine my lymph nodes in my groin.

I couldn't prevent my mind from wandering .

[PilotMan]

Studying some building regs drawings.

New SP location.

Soil Pipe.

[snoopy]

Small melanoma found on calf. ( I mean lower leg, not small cow).
 Told not to worry by all and sundry as hopefully discovered early and surgery should resolve the issue.

However lovely cancer nurse insisted on checking over all the rest of my skin surface,  so I was asked to strip down to briefs and lie on the massage bench...( I mean examination table).

Also needed to thoroughly examine my lymph nodes in my groin.

I couldn't prevent my mind from wandering .

Oh God, where?

[Thephoenix]

Oh God, where?

To Fi Fi's massage parlour. 

[sparkus]

I stupidly left toiletries behind in a hotel room after Xmas break and had to buy from scratch from the local Savers when I got back.

Bought an apricot face scrub, not something I normally do but they didn't have much. What I am enjoying is that it very much smells and tastes like DATY on some SPs every time I wash now, they obviously use something similar between punters. I'll be sure to buy more when it runs out, it's literally the same scent, just no labia on your tongue and mouth.

[webpunter]

I stupidly left toiletries behind in a hotel room after Xmas break and had to buy from scratch from the local Savers when I got back.

Bought an apricot face scrub, not something I normally do but they didn't have much. What I am enjoying is that it very much smells and tastes like DATY on some SPs every time I wash now, they obviously use something similar between punters. I'll be sure to buy more when it runs out, it's literally the same scent, just no labia on your tongue and mouth.

Leaving them behind re-sult
Apricot i'd normally be thinking that metro sexual behaviour [at best]
Not in this case Sir 
Is this the one ?
If it is i'm gonna order some online
Coz not sure that Savers are allowed in Surrey 
Smells [& tastes] like fanny batter in the morning 


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[sparkus]

Leaving them behind re-sult
Apricot i'd normally be thinking that metro sexual behaviour [at best]
Not in this case Sir 
Is this the one ?
If it is i'm gonna order some online
Coz not sure that Savers are allowed in Surrey 
Smells [& tastes] like fanny batter in the morning 


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Yes, it's that one.

I was like "Wait on, did I just punt?"

[Markc]

I was in Costa today and ordering coffee and toast. I was served by a really cute, early 20s blonde who was about 5ft tall.
She asked if l wanted any extras? If we were in a parlour l would ask for anal, finish in her mouth and enquire about swallowing my load. But as we where is Costa l asked for marmalade.

[webpunter]

I was in Costa today and ordering coffee and toast. I was served by a really cute, early 20s blonde who was about 5ft tall.
She asked if l wanted any extras? If we were in a parlour l would ask for anal, finish in her mouth and enquire about swallowing my load. But as we where is Costa l asked for marmalade.

Brilliant
I hope there wasnt a slight pause whilst you contemplated the options before mentioning marmalade

Little brain / big brain can be pretty amazing in weighing up xtras prices £ in an instant
The same with OWO on a massage type session
Little benefit with +20 [or 30] when towards the end of the meet, at the outset within 10 mins yes please
Who needs AI
For example OWO is +20 & CIM +30
No point going for both as the latter includes the former, obvs 
Not convinced that AI would work this out well not in the 1 sec required, 2 secs tops 

[Chazz]

As you leave an old mate's house, he suggests without irony that you get a tracker app for your phone so your wife can see when you're going to get home. And you nod and smile and say that you'll give it a go, but you really want to tell him that the main reason you've visited him in the first place is to give yourself an alibi, and in 15 minutes time you're going to be nuts deep in a beautiful Thai milf. 

[webpunter]

As you leave an old mate's house, he suggests without irony that you get a tracker app for your phone so your wife can see when you're going to get home. And you nod and smile and say that you'll give it a go, but you really want to tell him that the main reason you've visited him in the first place is to give yourself an alibi, and in 15 minutes time you're going to be nuts deep in a beautiful Thai milf. 

Off the scale brilliant
When the trailer was in tow i did it, more than once
Not the tracker app, this bloke has given up on life
He thinks he & his wife are in lurve & trackers help this, trust ...
The ex says to me that really nice that i keep in touch with mates
The ex didn't suss is that always the same mate  , i couldn;t think of line up any others

[Chazz]

Off the scale brilliant
When the trailer was in tow i did it, more than once
Not the tracker app, this bloke has given up on life
He thinks he & his wife are in lurve & trackers help this, trust ...
The ex says to me that really nice that i keep in touch with mates
The ex didn't suss is that always the same mate  , i couldn;t think of line up any others

My mate and his wife both use this tracker app, and know where the other one is at all times. It made me realise how much time I spend identifying and enlarging punting windows, and the lengths that I go to to create punting opportunities. It's completely normal to me now, but it's good to realise that my behaviour is NOT normal, and would be astounding to any civvy mates who found out. I must be spending too much time on here, lol. 

[PilotMan]

My mate and his wife both use this tracker app, and know where the other one is at all times. It made me realise how much time I spend identifying and enlarging punting windows, and the lengths that I go to to create punting opportunities. It's completely normal to me now, but it's good to realise that my behaviour is NOT normal, and would be astounding to any civvy mates who found out. I must be spending too much time on here, lol. 

Everyone has a different perspective on what is normal.

Someone on another thread tried to assert that anyone sharing location details with their OH was them being controlled and coerced. I know lots of people for whom that is normal and not at all coercive.

[pbrown355]

If you want someone to know where you are you can just ring them. Otherwise, just weird, partner or not.

[PilotMan]

If you want someone to know where you are you can just ring them. Otherwise, just weird, partner or not.

Like I said, everyone has a different perception of what is normal / weird, as do you.

[Chazz]

Like I said, everyone has a different perception of what is normal / weird, as do you.

I quite agree PM. What struck me is that it's very easy to assume that what's "normal" for you is normal for everyone. I've been on UKP for so long that I'd forgotten that what's normal on here certainly isn't normal for the majority of the population. Thank fuck I'm not normal though. Cheers to all of my UKP brothers (you filthy fuckers!) 

[Thephoenix]

Having a snooze on the train back after enjoying a fbsm in Southport.
I briefly open eyes approaching Bootle station and the first thing I see is a place called The  Phoenix Cafe.
Bit bizarre! 

[webpunter]

Having a snooze on the train back after enjoying a fbsm in Southport.
I briefly open eyes approaching Bootle station and the first thing I see is a place called The  Phoenix Cafe.
Bit bizarre! 

Quality behaviour
Restecp 

Tho Phoenix is lost on me, some parlour ?

Who doesnt lurve a snooze after tanks emptied
Last summer i had a R&T with the highly skilled knob handler cheb tastic Antonia [in Leeds numerous reviews incl. mine]
Highly recommended, you could get the train there for a day out
A flying visit after a bizzo meeting she's 5 mins walk from the train station
Dozed off heading home to Londinium
Bout half hour or so woke up just as the food & drinks person was walking by with the trolley
To save the person some time revisting too soon i asked politely if they could give me a couple of G&Ts a lovely brioche sandwich + some vino
They obliged it was complimentary & they returned a while later with more vino, nice
It was splendid i recounted the edging that had recently happened [a faint nice dull empty balls ache was still presenting]
CBA to do any bizzo stuff had a peruse of Sky Apple BBC news & the footy
Whats not to like

I can highly recommend punting by train when the opportunity arises
The return journey especially
SP massage burd reasonably close to the station
I'm sure there was a thread about this a few years ago



 

[kayak]

Watching BBC North West Tonight last night (BBC local news) and they had a story about the new Victory Wood documentary film and they showed a certain mural which is literally yards from Roses Retreat!

[Captainhowdy666]

Sat in the waiting room of a garage on by own
Looks like some of the rooms I’ve been sat in at brothels whilst waiting for a poke.

[PilotMan]

Sat in the waiting room of a garage on by own
Looks like some of the rooms I’ve been sat in at brothels whilst waiting for a poke.

Be careful what you say next when the receptionist asks if you want a Full Service (especially if it's a bloke  ).

And if they ask you do you want some new rubber, I could go on....

[Thephoenix]

Quality behaviour
Restecp 

Tho Phoenix is lost on me, some parlour ?

Please pay attention...... it's moi! 

[standardpostage]

When you get to page 69 or chapter 69, in a book, and are temporarily distracted, to other activities 

So you have to re-read that section again, and again and again 

[DouglasReynholm]

Quality behaviour
Restecp 

Tho Phoenix is lost on me, some parlour ?

Who doesnt lurve a snooze after tanks emptied
Last summer i had a R&T with the highly skilled knob handler cheb tastic Antonia [in Leeds numerous reviews incl. mine]
Highly recommended, you could get the train there for a day out
A flying visit after a bizzo meeting she's 5 mins walk from the train station
Dozed off heading home to Londinium
Bout half hour or so woke up just as the food & drinks person was walking by with the trolley
To save the person some time revisting too soon i asked politely if they could give me a couple of G&Ts a lovely brioche sandwich + some vino
They obliged it was complimentary & they returned a while later with more vino, nice
It was splendid i recounted the edging that had recently happened [a faint nice dull empty balls ache was still presenting]
CBA to do any bizzo stuff had a peruse of Sky Apple BBC news & the footy
Whats not to like

I can highly recommend punting by train when the opportunity arises
The return journey especially
SP massage burd reasonably close to the station
I'm sure there was a thread about this a few years ago

Still writing those poems after all these years. What makes you decide to press Enter?! 

[kayak]

Still writing those poems after all these years. What makes you decide to press Enter?! 

Colombian marching powder I reckon.

[dross]

When you set the cruise control to 69 to not speed and then end up daydreaming of all the 69's you can remember and miss the junction and have to make up some other shit as to why

[southern punter]

When you get to page 69 or chapter 69, in a book, and are temporarily distracted, to other activities 

When you set the cruise control to 69 to not speed and then end up daydreaming of all the 69's you can remember

Curious to know how much of an outlier I am here but I've never had a 69 with a SP and I think only once on civvy street, decades ago, I can hardly remember.  I'd much rather concentrate on one or the other.   

[sparkus]

Curious to know how much of an outlier I am here but I've never had a 69 with a SP and I think only once on civvy street, decades ago, I can hardly remember.  I'd much rather concentrate on one or the other.

Pretty much par for the course with any number of Chinese massage and Thai WGs for me. To give is to receive.

[myothernameis]

Curious to know how much of an outlier I am here but I've never had a 69 with a SP

You should try a 69 with some wind 

[A Decent Fist]

Curious to know how much of an outlier I am here but I've never had a 69 with a SP and I think only once on civvy street, decades ago, I can hardly remember.  I'd much rather concentrate on one or the other.

My favourite thing with WGs. Both of the main women in my life (ex wife and current partner) were not keen. The first one wouldn’t do it. The current one will allow it as an occasional treat, but she doesn’t like it much and gives the above reason.

[sparkus]

External Link/Members Only

[sparkus]

You're American actor Daniel Stern.