LINK:
External Link/Members Only or
External Link/Members OnlyDURATION: 30min
SUMMARY:
Looks = 6/10 (ok looking - aw pics well shopped/misleading)
Comms = 4/10
Service = 4/10
Having had a lovely time with
External Link/Members Only (I've reviewed her separately) I once again had a Brazilian itch that needed scratching; so when JessyBrazilian turned up in god's country on one of her tours, I didn't waste time getting a booking in. Comms were via email on aw; she responded to emails in reasonable time, albeit with a noticeable inability to answer some questions asked of her.
Example: "Yes baby I don't smoke"
(Ok, good). "How long you want me baby"
(her idea of a response to being asked (twice) if her pics were recent enough - Sigh 
. I put it down to a bit of language barrier and soldiered on (in hindsight, one connects all these dots, and the heavily-shopped pics, and wonders if one ignored obvious red flags).
15-mins before our scheduled time (I'd had the usual green light before setting off), I text and announce that I'm parked up and ready to make my way up (hopefully to more than just her apartment!
). I've been given a postcode and am familiar with the location (for those who've seen CuteJenny - basically, same locale). I don't hear back for a good 5-mins, and so decide to ring. Thankfully she answers. I immediately work out that her English isn't brilliant (but we can communicate). I ask where she is and how I can find her. I'm told something which amounts to
"walk to glass door in front, and press number XXX and I'll open the door for you baby". I ask
which door I'm aiming for. She repeats what she's just told me. Ok, let's resort to
idiot-speak, me thinks.
Ok love, which building/view/landmark is opposite your door? I point out that blocks of buildings tend to have 4 sides to them (the sarcasm is lost on her) and that one side of her building has 2 doors both entries to apartments (I give obvious visual cues/buildings/signs which these doors face, that would be unmisssable to anybody who'd walked in through said doors with their eyes open), and on the 2 other sides on the same block are further doors with entrances to yet MORE apartments. Again, she says
"just walk to the door in front baby". FFS, what is it with some lasses and giving clear directions?
I tell her I'll try my luck, but warn that she should be prepared for me to take a while as I've got a pre-punt door-roulette situation on my hands (which, if my chances go exactly like every other lottery-ticket-scratching experience I've had my whole life, will no doubt turn out like an Iraqi muslim...Shiite!). She says that's ok. 3 doors later, with the flat combination punched into each one without any joy, and dashing between each door so I'm not too late (it's starting to piss it down also - brilliant!
), I reach the 4th door and punch in the same combo, to the same disappointing result as before. Fuck this! I decide to call her.
"When you went through your door", I ask nicely,
"did you walk under any scaffolding?" ...
"No, no baby, what scaffolding?", comes the reply. I look across from the door I'm stood at - there's now only
one other door left and that too is under scaffolding.
I explain. She doesn't quite seem to understand. I punch her number in again at
same door. Nothing. Then again. Nothing. I'm close to calling it quits but the thought of little penguin doing samba dances on a Brazilian rump is too inviting to ignore.
I ring her again as I punch the same key combo at the same door under scaffolding; and this time it clicks open just as she answers her phone.
"Have you just opened?" ...
"Yes baby I open for you". :dash:Ffs how about
(1) not saying your door is the one with scaffolding underneath it when I asked
(2) still not opening after those 3 first attempts of me punching your room number in.
Anyway, I'm pleased to be let in and make my way up, pleased that this episode of Doors is over (this malarkey has wasted 12-mins so far; so, not too bad).
Her door opens after a gentle knock and I take a good look at her as I walk in (she were hid behind it). Yes she's the girl in the pics, but my oh my
(1) those pics must be at least 5 or 8yrs old. She says she's 29. I say that's bollocks - try 35, plus
(2) she's put on a bit of padding since. Bit of a belly - not rolls of it to be honest, but remember I'm going off her profile pics and it's not quite what I've been expecting
(3) while she has a big ass on her, it's just that, BIG. Not the J-Lo smooth, bubble-butt which the shopped profile leads you to believe. Don't get me wrong, it's not quite school-dinner-lady, but it's not quite what I were hoping for. Now I realise that that might seem harsh to some, but these Brazilian lasses are on the wrong side of the Tontober rate by
over a mile, so I expect to get me shekels' worth. But the real clincher is there's no warm welcome - it's all straight to business -
"how long you want baby" asked in the manner your lass would ask how your day went (yeah, like she gives a sh*t!). It has all the hallmarks of a conveyor belt treatment. I reason that she looks podge-able, so I ponder how to carry on, and decide I'd best confirm services.
"Same as profile baby" (she's being responsive without being engaging, or for that matter helpful, if you get me
). I take my chances and ask for an hour (hoping the £££ signs in her eyes might somewhat perk her up a bit). She disappears to stash the cash, and returns to stand by the bed, shedding her gear in the process ... and then just sort of, well, stands there. Well, I'm here to fuck, so I initiate kissing. I get the sealed-trout-lips treatment (now I take my hygiene seriously, so this is rather offputting). Halfway through her perfunctory attempt at kissing, she asks what position I want as if she'll fetch it off a shelf. And that's the last straw. I tell her point blank I was hoping she'd be more "engaging", and I'm having doubts that I'll enjoy this, and therefore would now want to only stay 30-mins and not the promised 1-hour (I do this in a way that is clear I want/expect a refund). She says that's ok. So I aim to salvage what I can from what will clearly be a boiled-meat-and-veg P&D (pump and dump); as opposed to the 3-course Michelin star meal with trimmings I had anticipated.
She passes me a helmet and I tell her to go into mish - I pump while visualising my college flame (and the lass that lives down our street). Somehow I manage to get full wood. Then I get her into doggy. To be fair, doggy with that ass in the air is alright, and almost makes up for the pre-podge door relay alone, so I grip onto her fleshy sides and aim for Rio (while running through memories of the Brazilian girls I've had the joy of messing about with on one of my work travels). I pick up the pace before emptying angrily into the bag, almost surprising myself that I managed to reach climax.
Like a shot she's up and passing me the wipes at the speed of Florence Nightingale in a WW1 trauma centre. Then she disappears again. She reappears with my refund as I'm about finished getting dressed.
"Nice to meet you" is what meets me at the door where she's stood as I make my may out.
"See you later" (as if) is the best I can summon.
If this punt were a flight, it was Rynair: yes it took off, and landed, but it was an utterly forgetful experience! I've thought long and hard about how to score this. My initial feeling as I walked, after I'd got some money back, was that it was a neutral, but when I consider that
(1) she didn't match her pics too well
(2) some of advertised services were clearly not delivered
(3) the obvious conveyor belt operation; a negative I'm afraid is what I'm going with.
PROS:
+ None come to mindCONS:
- Heavy shopping in images
- Conveyor belt service attitude
- All this at a premium rateVERDICT:
Would I see her again? Not in this lifetime
Would I recommend? In a word: NO
