If you stand at the corner of East Twickenham Lane at 2pm of a Tuesday afternoon a man with a hangdog look and a three-legged whippet will walk past. Catch his eye and say the catchphrase "Tell them about the runny, Mummy!" and he'll beckon for you to follow him, assuming you're a guest of his Mafia boss in West Sardinia. He'll lead you to a disused warehouse where a "bevy of beautiful maidens" will await your intimate attentions - these are actually the four-and-twenty virgins that Muslim martyrs THINK they're going to get as a reward for blowing up buses etc, in fact they absconded to Inverness to avoid honour killings and have worked their passage back saarf to London on sailing ships. So be sure to have a good time with them, but don't tell too many folk as it's the East End's best-kept secret! And let us know how you get on!!