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Author Topic: Funny punting stories  (Read 9050 times)

Offline akauya

I can't remember any funny punts... so can I break the rules and tell you a funny story but not exactly about a punt?

Yeah of course I can, here it goes...

I met this woman (married) from a dating site (can't remember if it was POF or the now defunct Udate) we met in Victoria (London) for lunch. It all went so well that we agreed to go for a quick one in one of the many hotels around there. We managed to get a day-rate room in a nice hotel. After the preliminaries were done, etc. and right when we were in the throes of passion the bloody chamber maid opens the door and barges in! Oh sorry she shouts and slams the door shut.

I'm all for a threesome but after seeing my ugly, hairy bum going up and down I doubt she was in the mood.

Moral of the story, first: if booking a day-rate make sure the bloody reception informs the maids we haven't left yet. Second: triple lock the bloody door!

 :D

Offline Warwick

I have lots but I will go with one:
When I first started escorting I only did outcalls.
I was naive and used to offer car meets (a lot)
A guy picked me up in a lush car but it had been raining- anyway he thought it would be good to drive into a rural field.

However we got stuck, i had to be picked up by a mate ( who didn't know I was an escort) and he had no cover so cost him a few hundred and took a few hours to get out of the mud :D

That reminds me of an occasion when I arranged a car meet. This girl wanted me to pick her up on a country lane, which turned out to very close to where she wanted to do the business. I dropped her back at the same place and I'd not left her there 5 mins when the phone rang again asking me to go back. She'd parked her car off the road and had got stuck and I had to drag her back on the road again.

Tony Montana

I had an outcall to my hotel from a regular girl who I knew quite well.  After she left I realised she had forgotten her little bag of toys containing 2 vibrators, lube, condoms etc.  I texted her to let her know, and as I knew where she lived offered to drop them in the next morning as I passed by.

In the morning, there was no answer when I knocked, so I tried to push the bag through the letterbox, but it got jammed and I inadvertently turned on the vibrators trying to push it through.  I couldn't pull it back out or push it any further so I just texted her to let her know and left. Luckily she got to the door before the postman did.

I was doing a threesome a few weeks ago and went to the girls house. She had two dogs. The punter text to say he was outside but lost, so I went out to find him and led him the way to the house. As I opened the back gate, one of the dogs clocked the guy and started to bark. The guy started to run so the dog chased. I told him to stop running and called the dog but this guy didn't stop legging it. Needless to say, when he got to the end of the path, he tripped over his feet and tumbled action man style doing a succession of rolly polys. He ended up flat on his face and the dog responded to my command to come back and I shut the dog indoors.
I attended the man and said it was okay to come in but he was shaking like a leaf and all his trousers were torn and knees bleeding. He looked at me like I was mad and ran to his car.
When I went back to the house, the girl I was doing the threesome with asked where the client was so explained what happened. She then confessed the dog didn't like foreign looking men.

I shouldn't have found the whole thing funny because had the roles of been reversed, I would have been terrified.......it was just the way he ran and tumbled...it looked like something from an action movie.

Offline Acer

Sandwell Valley

Took a bird out (Punjab) for a couple to a Smethwick pub. Got her tipsy and thought would stop over for some Acer love. Started the biz and she really got into it until some scallies realized what was going on and started to rock the car!! She was shit scared and never seen anyone sober up so quick. Needless to say that was the last time I saw her.
The sad thing is it was unfinished business.

Offline Turtle1

OMG!!!! this is my perfect thread. i can fill up like 10pages with my antics alone. I have an evil sense of humor :diablo: im loud and not shy especially if i spot another punter and embarrass him to death. the amount of times iv walked in on other people and vise versa.

Ill start with the day i scared a poor boy to death. I was staying near St albans Hertfordshire. I found a local house which had 2 or 3 girls working and the Madam. after like my 5th visit i was familiar with the Maddam and stayed for a chat and tea after punts. On a really cold day id forgotten my gloves in the room during the punt. after i finished me tea i went back upstairs to retrieve them, As i go inside i see this skinny kid dogging one of the girls and he freezes when he see's me. Now the girl knew me as iv fucked her brazilian ass a just a while ago. she says something like "whats up babe" the kid seems to acknowledge that we know one another and starts muttering " i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i done nuffin wrong" I am a biggish guy of 6.1ft with wide shoulders. he must of thought i was a pimp or security. Now me being the evil fucker i am i thought id play a trick on him. i said "what you doing to my girlfriend" i think he actually shat himself. as im saying this iv gone in to pick up the gloves. now this kid turns towards me and starts mumbling about being clean and takes OF HIS CONDOM AND STATS SHOWING ME HIS COCK. now im shitting my pants. i  just said nice cock and left. I told my story to the madam and we laughed.  :drinks:

St albans is a small place so about 2 weeks later at a cashpoint in the town center i see this kid again. As i walk past him i say "nice cock" he turns around like hes seen a ghost and just says "it wasnt me" i laughed all the way home.

If youre reading this and it was you, Dude im sorry. it was funny on my side but must of been scary/awkward on your part.

Offline Sparquin

This goes back a while but I went to see a WG and within 5 min she was giving me OWO when I felt a burning sensation on The Brigadier's head.  I wondered if I had some ghastly std I did not know about until I saw the pepperoni pizza she had been eating prior to my arrival.

Offline LL

You are a punter's worst nightmare, turtle! Funny story though. And you said you had more?! Please share.

I can recall two, one was more surreal than funny, almost as if I was in a parallel universe to the WG in question.

Summer 2013  East London

With a Polish WG who shared a two bedroom flat with another WG. We were getting very intimate (was performing cunnilingus on
her) when all of a sudden a huge shaven headed bloke barges into the room. Poor guy, his expression was one of being totally
dumbfounded, as if "I shouldn't be in this room". The girl I was with, leapt out of bed and ushered him out of the room. The other WG
had left this guy (fellow punter it transpired) stranded in no man's land where both of the rooms doors shut and he thought the room
he should go to was where I happened to be situated in.

Spring 2008  North Acton, London

This is the surreal account. It took place in a flat based in North Acton, where I met a Polish WG (via awork) who also shared the flat with at least two other Polish WGs, and one stern looking lady (presumably the madam). I knocked on the door which was opened by one of her flatmates, and was ushered into a room. I noticed quite a few items were packed up (as if someone was either leaving the flat or just moved in). There was a delay, then the girl I was visiting duly appeared to collect the fee.

She went out of the room with the money (passed the bundles to the stern looking lady presumably) and came back in. It was a 90minute booking, think I paid in the region of £170-00. The first bout lasted for about 30minutes, and actually wasn't too bad, some excellent OWO/RO and quite energetic protected sex. After climaxing she disappears (assumed she went to the bathroom).

I was lying on the bed for about ten minutes when the madam walks into the room. I said to her "Hi, what's up? Where's the girl gone to?". Madam responds, "she's gone". Startled I replied "Gone? Where has she gone to?". The madam said "she's gone, walked out of the flat and disappeared".  I was totally perplexed, and replied "Why has she walked out of the flat? Our appointment was for 90minutes, and barely half way through?". Madam responds, "she's just gone away, now you must leave". 

I was completely in a daze, thinking "Is this some kind of comedy of errors being played out here?". My initial response to Madam's demand for me to leave was "OK, I'll leave but perhaps you could be so kind in refunding me half the fee,  and allow me a few minutes to quickly shower and dress?"  Madam replies,  "Sorry hun, the girl took your money and has walked out of the flat. She's gone, now you must leave. No time for shower, just leave the flat as we are moving away to another London location. Please leave sir".
"Marvellous!" I thought. There was nothing I could really do but get dressed and leave, minus £85-00 I should have got refunded.

If the above wasn't surreal, bizarre, weird enough, then the next part totally blew me away. Later on I received an sms from the girl I was with (the one who mysteriously disappeared). Her message was "Where are you, why did you leave me?".  I replied, "What do you mean I left you?  you're the one who disappeared without a trace, even your flatmates didn't know where you went to?".

She then replied "I was ill, why did I make her ill" (accusatory sense), that she "went to the pharmacy" and when she returned her flatmates said "your client just disappeared". Then to cap it all off, she said "where's my money, I owe her money for at least 45minutes of the booking?" Now it was like "I'm in the Twilight Zone, truly another parallel universe". Point by point I rebutted her.

For instance, "What do you mean I made you ill?"  She responded that "You were too energetic during sex". I politely replied "Then for heaven's sake why didn't you say I was too energetic with my humping, I would have eased off!". I reminded her that I gave her the full £170-00 which she took from me at the beginning of the session. That was the last I ever saw of my wad. She replied "my friends told me you took all the money back, not leaving a penny for the first session we had". I countered this with replying that when she departed the flat, her madam had informed me that you had disappeared and took all the money with you, and I was told to leave the flat without any partial refund. She again replied "But you took all the money when you left? Why did you leave me?". 

Anyway this surreal sms exchange lasted for about 15minutes, when finally the penny dropped, she realised that I was telling the truth, but mystified as to why her friends would take all the money and leave her out of pocket. I simply replied, "Babe, I honestly don't know but believe you need to think very carefully how and with whom you choose as your friends for future reference. I repeat yet again, I'm out of pocket by £85-00, ALL the money (£170) I gave to you, and assuming you gave this sum to the madam, then it is with her you need to take this up regarding retrieving what you were meant to receive." That was the end of our sms exchange, never heard back from her again.

My head was in a spin for at least 24hours post session before finally realising that I'm still on planet earth, didn't actually go into some time warp or wormhole in space.  Truly bizarre episode.

Offline LL

My head was in a spin for at least 24hours post session before finally realising that I'm still on planet earth, didn't actually go into some time warp or wormhole in space.  Truly bizarre episode.
An interesting read thank you, not that unusual in the world of punting though.  We've all been fleeced at least once.  That "pharmacy" your booking disappeared to was probably her dealer who sorted her out with her next fix.  Also, she took your money - I'm sure of that.  She disappeared without warning, she took your cash with her.  Her accusational tone was either to save face or an attempt to fleece you for even more money.

Offline Ali Katt

An interesting read thank you, not that unusual in the world of punting though.  We've all been fleeced at least once.  That "pharmacy" your booking disappeared to was probably her dealer who sorted her out with her next fix.  Also, she took your money - I'm sure of that.  She disappeared without warning, she took your cash with her.  Her accusational tone was either to save face or an attempt to fleece you for even more money.
The thing I don't get is if it was a cash scam was the madam in on it and why did she let the girl leave the house when she was with a punter?

An interesting read thank you, not that unusual in the world of punting though.  We've all been fleeced at least once.  That "pharmacy" your booking disappeared to was probably her dealer who sorted her out with her next fix.  Also, she took your money - I'm sure of that.  She disappeared without warning, she took your cash with her.  Her accusational tone was either to save face or an attempt to fleece you for even more money.

It was probably the most mind boggling episode I've ever had in my life. She didn't appear to me as a drug addict as I recall (no visual marks on her body, seemed in possession of her senses). Certainly an experience I'll never forget.

Offline rockstar

I was having a quickie with a regular girl recently and we were in a different room to normal but because she had dressed up (boots, suspenders etc ) I was not exactly holding back and suddenly there was a noise and the bed promptly collapsed.
It was one of those cheap pine beds but not to be put off, as I was on the home stretch, we carried on until the end before having a good laugh about it. Seemed funny at the time :)

Offline Daffodil

It was probably the most mind boggling episode I've ever had in my life. She didn't appear to me as a drug addict as I recall (no visual marks on her body, seemed in possession of her senses). Certainly an experience I'll never forget.

I think it's naive to assume you can spot a drug addict. The majority do not look like they were "Trainspotting" extras.

Offline Turtle1

My turn again. As promised here is another of funny punts.

Im a fairly big chap, at 6.1 and i hit the gym alot. now naturally everyone assumes id have a massive cock. i do not. its about 5.5inches. which looks tiny on my big frame. iv never been shy and always joke about my small cock.

I was visiting a WG house north harrow or wembley. anyways as i go in i see 3 girls and the madam. none spoke English cept the madam. all 3 girls looked similar. Romanian and skinny. i had a lil grope and just picked one.

We did the deed, did some rough doggy whilst ticked her, good time and a lot of noise. Then after a nice long massage i was almost ready for round 2, im laying on the bed with a Hard on. In walks another girl....i think she wanted something from the room, she apologizes and doesn't look at me. i said it,s ok you can look at my small cock. she looks at me and says something in Romanian...both girls have a lil chat and giggle, i said are you talking about my huge cock again. they didnt understand what i said. took me 2 min of say "never mind" to get rid of her.

finally back a nice wet handjob and owo. I was really enjoying and or some reason the whole situation has turned really turned me on, in busts the maddam with the other girls (wtf ). Maddam says you want something, you want second girl, it will cost you extra. i said no i don't want nothing else. she says the other girls says i wanted 2 girls to suck me?

Now im trying to explain it was a language barrier. i just made a joke about my big cock. Madam replies "that no big cock" im like of course i know its no big cock, its called sarcasm. all this time im holding the girls head down so she dont stop owo or ill lose my bonner, if that happens thats the end of my punt.

now there's an awkward pause, only broken by the fact iv shot my load down the WG throat ( i dont know why but it was soo turned on by the situation )she jumps back and gets a second shot on her face,. there is laughter from the maddam and the second girl by the door. i still had a bit of jizz left so squeez the last few shots with my hand. Now the other 2 ladies are cheering and clapping rather loudly.  My WG ran off to the bathroom and locks her self in. the other 2 are in hysterics, the 3rd WG runs up the stairs to see what the commotion is, she is followed by Sergei and Vladimir.

FFS. im laying on a bed naked with jizz my own jizz all over me. iv got 2 WG and their maddam laughing in hysterics at the boor. then there is two EE blokes behind them. the all have a chat and they all bust out laughing. it was rather funny for a guy like me. anyways they leave. i clean my self and make my way down stairs, the original WG has still not come out of the bathroom. im about to show my self out when i can hear clear laughter coming from the living room or kitchen. i decide to knock and say hello. The maddam greets me, i say goodbye and ask what soo funny? is it me..... she replies yes, then Sergei starts to talk whilst wiping tears from eyes. he says, we all thought you had big cock and that why girl was screaming upstairs ( lol i was tickling her ). So we had a lil laugh coz im that type of guy and i leave.

I know a lot of guys would hate this, it would destroy their punt and put them off punting but not for me. it was funny. i went back a screwed the other 5 or 6 girls that worked their over the year. every time the maddam would bust out laughing when she open the door to me.




Offline Turtle1

I can recall two, one was more surreal than funny, almost as if I was in a parallel universe to the WG in question.

Summer 2013  East London

With a Polish WG who shared a two bedroom flat with another WG. We were getting very intimate (was performing cunnilingus on
her) when all of a sudden a huge shaven headed bloke barges into the room. Poor guy, his expression was one of being totally
dumbfounded, as if "I shouldn't be in this room". The girl I was with, leapt out of bed and ushered him out of the room. The other WG
had left this guy (fellow punter it transpired) stranded in no man's land where both of the rooms doors shut and he thought the room
he should go to was where I happened to be situated in.

Spring 2008  North Acton, London

This is the surreal account. It took place in a flat based in North Acton, where I met a Polish WG (via awork) who also shared the flat with at least two other Polish WGs, and one stern looking lady (presumably the madam). I knocked on the door which was opened by one of her flatmates, and was ushered into a room. I noticed quite a few items were packed up (as if someone was either leaving the flat or just moved in). There was a delay, then the girl I was visiting duly appeared to collect the fee.

She went out of the room with the money (passed the bundles to the stern looking lady presumably) and came back in. It was a 90minute booking, think I paid in the region of £170-00. The first bout lasted for about 30minutes, and actually wasn't too bad, some excellent OWO/RO and quite energetic protected sex. After climaxing she disappears (assumed she went to the bathroom).

I was lying on the bed for about ten minutes when the madam walks into the room. I said to her "Hi, what's up? Where's the girl gone to?". Madam responds, "she's gone". Startled I replied "Gone? Where has she gone to?". The madam said "she's gone, walked out of the flat and disappeared".  I was totally perplexed, and replied "Why has she walked out of the flat? Our appointment was for 90minutes, and barely half way through?". Madam responds, "she's just gone away, now you must leave". 

I was completely in a daze, thinking "Is this some kind of comedy of errors being played out here?". My initial response to Madam's demand for me to leave was "OK, I'll leave but perhaps you could be so kind in refunding me half the fee,  and allow me a few minutes to quickly shower and dress?"  Madam replies,  "Sorry hun, the girl took your money and has walked out of the flat. She's gone, now you must leave. No time for shower, just leave the flat as we are moving away to another London location. Please leave sir".
"Marvellous!" I thought. There was nothing I could really do but get dressed and leave, minus £85-00 I should have got refunded.

If the above wasn't surreal, bizarre, weird enough, then the next part totally blew me away. Later on I received an sms from the girl I was with (the one who mysteriously disappeared). Her message was "Where are you, why did you leave me?".  I replied, "What do you mean I left you?  you're the one who disappeared without a trace, even your flatmates didn't know where you went to?".

She then replied "I was ill, why did I make her ill" (accusatory sense), that she "went to the pharmacy" and when she returned her flatmates said "your client just disappeared". Then to cap it all off, she said "where's my money, I owe her money for at least 45minutes of the booking?" Now it was like "I'm in the Twilight Zone, truly another parallel universe". Point by point I rebutted her.

For instance, "What do you mean I made you ill?"  She responded that "You were too energetic during sex". I politely replied "Then for heaven's sake why didn't you say I was too energetic with my humping, I would have eased off!". I reminded her that I gave her the full £170-00 which she took from me at the beginning of the session. That was the last I ever saw of my wad. She replied "my friends told me you took all the money back, not leaving a penny for the first session we had". I countered this with replying that when she departed the flat, her madam had informed me that you had disappeared and took all the money with you, and I was told to leave the flat without any partial refund. She again replied "But you took all the money when you left? Why did you leave me?". 

Anyway this surreal sms exchange lasted for about 15minutes, when finally the penny dropped, she realised that I was telling the truth, but mystified as to why her friends would take all the money and leave her out of pocket. I simply replied, "Babe, I honestly don't know but believe you need to think very carefully how and with whom you choose as your friends for future reference. I repeat yet again, I'm out of pocket by £85-00, ALL the money (£170) I gave to you, and assuming you gave this sum to the madam, then it is with her you need to take this up regarding retrieving what you were meant to receive." That was the end of our sms exchange, never heard back from her again.

My head was in a spin for at least 24hours post session before finally realising that I'm still on planet earth, didn't actually go into some time warp or wormhole in space.  Truly bizarre episode.

Sorry to hear this dude, that second one would piss me the fuck off. id of probably made a scene out of it

Offline Kentpunt

this was more awkward than funny i think but i was in a hot tub with a WG and she was rather large, she was sucking me off while in the hot tub and i was playing with her tit under the water, after a while of rubbing her tit it struck me that i couldnt find the nipple i then realised i had been playing with a roll of fat, she must of knew i mistook it for a tit

Offline SamLP

Not had something funny happen. The only thing that was amusing was post pop, with 10 minutes left I was getting a massage from the WG. Her phone rang, and it had vibrated during the punt quite a few times, so I told her she can answer. It was an evening punt and nearing 9pm. So while she was sat on me giving my back a massage and talking on the phone to a potential punter, she was confirming her services and saying 10.30pm would be the last appointment as she finished at 11pm. Then the guy asks her if she can do an outcall at 6am in the morning. She casually answered she couldn't, and he asked her why? At that point I was inwardly laughing at the conversation as she started to get annoyed with him. She kept answering politely because I will be sleeping then and I start work at 11am, only incalls. Anyway the call ended and we burst out laughing. It was a good conversation ender to our punt.

Offline LL

Not had something funny happen. The only thing that was amusing was post pop, with 10 minutes left I was getting a massage from the WG. Her phone rang, and it had vibrated during the punt quite a few times, so I told her she can answer. It was an evening punt and nearing 9pm. So while she was sat on me giving my back a massage and talking on the phone to a potential punter, she was confirming her services and saying 10.30pm would be the last appointment as she finished at 11pm. Then the guy asks her if she can do an outcall at 6am in the morning. She casually answered she couldn't, and he asked her why? At that point I was inwardly laughing at the conversation as she started to get annoyed with him. She kept answering politely because I will be sleeping then and I start work at 11am, only incalls. Anyway the call ended and we burst out laughing. It was a good conversation ender to our punt.
I guess you had to be there?!  :D

Offline itk

Many a funny story mostly back when it was on the street corners of Norwich in the 90's. Used to punt with two mates and we'd take turns driving around looking for girls. One night I'd had a girl in his car, and the mate who was driving was mid punt but taking an age. Being mid winter, myself and other mate were freezing waiting outside the car, so we decided to run and jump in the car shouting, 'Fuck, the vice car is coming.'  WG gets out and legs it and runs towards the church yard while matey starts his car and drives off. He's still bollock naked and has a luminous condom on his cock as we speed out of the RLD.
We still laugh about it today, downside for him was a few months later he got busted for real. He even asked the copper who took his details if he could get his money back as he'd only just started the punt when they pulled up.  :lol:

Offline Simplysimon

About three years ago , I booked with a faceless profile lady in Huntington for an hours incall , arrived at the agreed time rang and was given address , arrived and was greeted at the door by a very very attractive workmate of my wife , my dilemma was , she knew I had booked an escort anyway so should I just go ahead or should I brave it out and hope she didn't recognise me .
Since she was gorgeous little head led me indoors , gave her the agreed cash (and the chockys I'd bought ) to which she said "shouldn't you save the chocs for XXXX" my wife , then she said "don't worry , if you don't say neither will I"
Well it was a bloody good punt , and yes I did revisit

I think it's naive to assume you can spot a drug addict. The majority do not look like they were "Trainspotting" extras.

Very true.

Offline SirFrank

About 15 years ago I was on a friends leaving do. We were all dressed up as superheroes (I hate fancy dress but my mate wanted it so hey what can you do?). Anyhow end of the night batman, robin, superman, the joker and captain America rock up at the ambassador suite in Cardiff. The bell was rang and promptly answered by one of the girls. She clapped eyes on us and said fuck me boys who's looking after Gotham City tonight? We all burst out laughing and my mate said - you should be on stage love. She said well it's funny you should mention that.... I had high expectations for that punt. It was shit though.
 
Another two spring to mind but I've posted about at least one of them before (the dwarf story) so I won't repeat myself
Banning reason: Shitstirring against admin on behalf of banned member

Offline Ali Katt

About 15 years ago I was on a friends leaving do. We were all dressed up as superheroes (I hate fancy dress but my mate wanted it so hey what can you do?). Anyhow end of the night batman, robin, superman, the joker and captain America rock up at the ambassador suite in Cardiff. The bell was rang and promptly answered by one of the girls. She clapped eyes on us and said fuck me boys who's looking after Gotham City tonight? We all burst out laughing and my mate said - you should be on stage love. She said well it's funny you should mention that.... I had high expectations for that punt. It was shit though.
 
Another two spring to mind but I've posted about at least one of them before (the dwarf story) so I won't repeat myself
That line is the funniest, no doubt the equation of most punts.

Offline Turtle1

About three years ago , I booked with a faceless profile lady in Huntington for an hours incall , arrived at the agreed time rang and was given address , arrived and was greeted at the door by a very very attractive workmate of my wife , my dilemma was , she knew I had booked an escort anyway so should I just go ahead or should I brave it out and hope she didn't recognise me .
Since she was gorgeous little head led me indoors , gave her the agreed cash (and the chockys I'd bought ) to which she said "shouldn't you save the chocs for XXXX" my wife , then she said "don't worry , if you don't say neither will I"
Well it was a bloody good punt , and yes I did revisit

Iv heard soo many stories like this over the years, its hilarious lol.


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